Alcoholic husband left
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Ezra
Wish i could send you some virtual pill to take that pain away. Wishing you sone direction and focus to navigate this mess. Like all who messaged you i have discovered all the crazy stuff he is spouting is nothing but theatrics...nothing of value can be extracted from it. Someone on this site once told me, with an alcoholic, more will be revealed. And it is true, just wait...it comes. And in the meantime if you wait for it, get caught up in it, believe it, you hurt yourself. People on here say it all the time, look after you, ir focus ob YOU, believe that...eventually it kicks in...took me a long time to understand the power of doing just that...and i have a long way to go. Good luck ezra, hugs
Wish i could send you some virtual pill to take that pain away. Wishing you sone direction and focus to navigate this mess. Like all who messaged you i have discovered all the crazy stuff he is spouting is nothing but theatrics...nothing of value can be extracted from it. Someone on this site once told me, with an alcoholic, more will be revealed. And it is true, just wait...it comes. And in the meantime if you wait for it, get caught up in it, believe it, you hurt yourself. People on here say it all the time, look after you, ir focus ob YOU, believe that...eventually it kicks in...took me a long time to understand the power of doing just that...and i have a long way to go. Good luck ezra, hugs
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Erza…...I agree with ariesagain….cut him off as much as possible while have a child together. Even though you know that those cruel comments are coming from a distorted mind.....it still hurts to actually listen to them. There is no way that it wouldn't hurt! Remove his audience.
give him all the "rope" that he is asking for.....as he will tangle himself in his own rope, eventually.
focus on making yourself strong...developing your own strong boundaries....because, sometimes, they come crawling back, brimming with apology and undying love.....So--you must be strong enough to resist being sucked back into the belly of the beast (the alcoholism)…...
give him all the "rope" that he is asking for.....as he will tangle himself in his own rope, eventually.
focus on making yourself strong...developing your own strong boundaries....because, sometimes, they come crawling back, brimming with apology and undying love.....So--you must be strong enough to resist being sucked back into the belly of the beast (the alcoholism)…...
Sober since 10th April 2012
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Location: Perth, Western Australia
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Originally Posted by Erza 
I have been nothing but supportive of his wild antics and loved him and has always been there for him when he was going through the worst things. I'm the only one who has. I have been walked all over. And that's exactly what I feel he wants me to do regarding the separation. So he can be in control. But I have to protect me and my daughter. It was his decision to leave. And he doesn't want the consequences of his actions.
Expect him to be nasty because it's not going his way any more. I know it hurts, but it won't forever. I love your answer that he would pay what the court orders, no more, no less. That was probably the first time it dawned on him that he'd have no choice about support.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Erza, Dandy is correct... it’s about planning your next step to protect yourself. Alcoholics that leave usually re-surface again, making the emotional toll even more exhausting... and toxic. It’s about standing strong with any boundaries you have now set for yourself. What if he returns? Begs for forgiveness? Comes back drunk? Etc etc. I’m not saying any of these things will happen... it’s just very important you make a specific game plan. We all had/have to make them since most of us have crumbled endless times with accepting our alcoholics back when their actions were intolerable. Remember, the past is the past... you don’t have to live in that chaos ever again! Keep posting!
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Erza,
Listen to all the people here that are given you advice. It is great advice. Your AH like everyone says is going to be nasty and mean. Be strong for your self and your child.
It is going to be hard at first to deal with the pain he has caused you . With time it will get a little easier. You need to be the best mom you can to your child. You can't do that if he is in your life.
Try and attend an AL-Anon meeting and get read up about alcoholism as mush as possible. It will help you understand the disease and get you through these rough times.
My thoughts and prayers are with you as you start this journey.
Listen to all the people here that are given you advice. It is great advice. Your AH like everyone says is going to be nasty and mean. Be strong for your self and your child.
It is going to be hard at first to deal with the pain he has caused you . With time it will get a little easier. You need to be the best mom you can to your child. You can't do that if he is in your life.
Try and attend an AL-Anon meeting and get read up about alcoholism as mush as possible. It will help you understand the disease and get you through these rough times.
My thoughts and prayers are with you as you start this journey.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Dear Erza,
I am so glad you found this wonderful site. So much support and so much wisdom and experience. You are doing great...I am impressed...this is really hard. Staying strong and holding tight to your boundaries around this will benefit all of you. It's not always easy to see, but have faith. Don't cave.
My husband is an alcoholic with almost 10 years in recovery. He isn't the same man that he was when I found this site; he's wonderful! I know I am lucky. I left him back then and I stayed away a long time. I took care of me, and it was a good decision and it was hard and heartbreaking. He said he drank because I didn't trust him not to drink. Such is the insanity of this disease. Trying to make sense of that almost made me crazy.
Now I am here because my adult son from a previous marriage drinks too much, shows up drunk, hungover, not always nice to be around. Since I have pointed this out to him, and requested that he not show up this way, and that he be nice and respectful at all times, he has broken off all contact with me. I know he loves me without question, but I am a threat to his addiction to alcohol, and I had to be removed from his life so that he could carry on believing that he doesn't have a problem. I am the problem, just like I was before with my husband. Beyond heartbreaking, but I set some boundaries and I am not backing down. Boundaries saved my sanity once, and they are saving it now. And if they save my son in the process, that would be really wonderful.
My best to you as you navigate all this. I am really glad you are here.
I am so glad you found this wonderful site. So much support and so much wisdom and experience. You are doing great...I am impressed...this is really hard. Staying strong and holding tight to your boundaries around this will benefit all of you. It's not always easy to see, but have faith. Don't cave.
My husband is an alcoholic with almost 10 years in recovery. He isn't the same man that he was when I found this site; he's wonderful! I know I am lucky. I left him back then and I stayed away a long time. I took care of me, and it was a good decision and it was hard and heartbreaking. He said he drank because I didn't trust him not to drink. Such is the insanity of this disease. Trying to make sense of that almost made me crazy.
Now I am here because my adult son from a previous marriage drinks too much, shows up drunk, hungover, not always nice to be around. Since I have pointed this out to him, and requested that he not show up this way, and that he be nice and respectful at all times, he has broken off all contact with me. I know he loves me without question, but I am a threat to his addiction to alcohol, and I had to be removed from his life so that he could carry on believing that he doesn't have a problem. I am the problem, just like I was before with my husband. Beyond heartbreaking, but I set some boundaries and I am not backing down. Boundaries saved my sanity once, and they are saving it now. And if they save my son in the process, that would be really wonderful.
My best to you as you navigate all this. I am really glad you are here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 28
This sight and everyone on it has been helping me so much. I am so thankful.
It is day five and I dan't feel strong. I met him today to discuss things and he was blank. And when he did show emotion it was anger at how me going to a lawyer and filing child support etc will bankrupt him. He is currently staying in a motel and paying for the rent of the apartment I am in so I'm guessing he is worrying g about money. But nothing about my feeling.
How can he be so cold? Continue to say, even though he is in a crappy motel he is so happy...? I feel I am secretly waiting for him to call me after drinking and beg to come home. I am not strong today. Right now anyway. Some times I feel strong. But not right now.
How can he suddenly not love me anymore? He acts like HE is the one fleeing a bad situation.
I would have felt so much stricher had I made the decision to leave.
It is day five and I dan't feel strong. I met him today to discuss things and he was blank. And when he did show emotion it was anger at how me going to a lawyer and filing child support etc will bankrupt him. He is currently staying in a motel and paying for the rent of the apartment I am in so I'm guessing he is worrying g about money. But nothing about my feeling.
How can he be so cold? Continue to say, even though he is in a crappy motel he is so happy...? I feel I am secretly waiting for him to call me after drinking and beg to come home. I am not strong today. Right now anyway. Some times I feel strong. But not right now.
How can he suddenly not love me anymore? He acts like HE is the one fleeing a bad situation.
I would have felt so much stricher had I made the decision to leave.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Originally Posted by Erza
This sight and everyone on it has been helping me so much. I am so thankful.
It is day five and I dan't feel strong. I met him today to discuss things and he was blank. And when he did show emotion it was anger at how me going to a lawyer and filing child support etc will bankrupt him. He is currently staying in a motel and paying for the rent of the apartment I am in so I'm guessing he is worrying g about money. But nothing about my feeling.
How can he be so cold? Continue to say, even though he is in a crappy motel he is so happy...? I feel I am secretly waiting for him to call me after drinking and beg to come home. I am not strong today. Right now anyway. Some times I feel strong. But not right now.
How can he suddenly not love me anymore? He acts like HE is the one fleeing a bad situation.
I would have felt so much stricher had I made the decision to leave.
It is day five and I dan't feel strong. I met him today to discuss things and he was blank. And when he did show emotion it was anger at how me going to a lawyer and filing child support etc will bankrupt him. He is currently staying in a motel and paying for the rent of the apartment I am in so I'm guessing he is worrying g about money. But nothing about my feeling.
How can he be so cold? Continue to say, even though he is in a crappy motel he is so happy...? I feel I am secretly waiting for him to call me after drinking and beg to come home. I am not strong today. Right now anyway. Some times I feel strong. But not right now.
How can he suddenly not love me anymore? He acts like HE is the one fleeing a bad situation.
I would have felt so much stricher had I made the decision to leave.
You are stronger then you know. He only loves alcholol right now. In his mind it is the only thing that keeps him safe. Anything that comes between him and that is toxic.
You are doing the right thing in looking after yourself and your child. Until he wants to change he is the toxic one. He has lied and made your life miserable. That is not the life you need.
Look after yourself and lean on us at SR for help. We are here for you.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
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Can you ask yourself, what did you hope would happen when you agreed to meet with him to “discuss things”?
Nothing constructive is going to come from letting him mess with your head and heart anymore, right?
I knew how hard it can be to accept who and what he has become. But the more you fool yourself the more he can manipulate you.
He is not going to suddenly become fair or responsible. Protect your child and yourself, yes?
Nothing constructive is going to come from letting him mess with your head and heart anymore, right?
I knew how hard it can be to accept who and what he has become. But the more you fool yourself the more he can manipulate you.
He is not going to suddenly become fair or responsible. Protect your child and yourself, yes?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Always remember that alcoholism is progressive.
The alcoholic, should they continue to drink, is not going to be the same person a year from now or five years from now. The longer they drink the more alcohol they need to chase that original high (which is generally a huge amount after several years). I'm sure you have seen this in the time you have been with him.
Aside from the other physical effects, alcohol affects the brain and the way it reacts and functions.
So the guy you knew two years ago, behaviours he may have exhibited, feelings he may have been able to FEEL may well be completely taken over by this drug and what it does.
Again, alcoholism is progressive. There is no such thing as a "high functioning" alcoholic. This is just a phase of alcoholism, not a type. They are functioning ok, until they are not.
Don't take it personally, he wants to drink, he needs to drink and yes, he is happy sitting in his motel room with his drinks.
It is addiction.
The alcoholic, should they continue to drink, is not going to be the same person a year from now or five years from now. The longer they drink the more alcohol they need to chase that original high (which is generally a huge amount after several years). I'm sure you have seen this in the time you have been with him.
Aside from the other physical effects, alcohol affects the brain and the way it reacts and functions.
So the guy you knew two years ago, behaviours he may have exhibited, feelings he may have been able to FEEL may well be completely taken over by this drug and what it does.
Again, alcoholism is progressive. There is no such thing as a "high functioning" alcoholic. This is just a phase of alcoholism, not a type. They are functioning ok, until they are not.
Don't take it personally, he wants to drink, he needs to drink and yes, he is happy sitting in his motel room with his drinks.
It is addiction.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Can you ask yourself, what did you hope would happen when you agreed to meet with him to “discuss things”?
Nothing constructive is going to come from letting him mess with your head and heart anymore, right?
I knew how hard it can be to accept who and what he has become. But the more you fool yourself the more he can manipulate you.
He is not going to suddenly become fair or responsible. Protect your child and yourself, yes?
Nothing constructive is going to come from letting him mess with your head and heart anymore, right?
I knew how hard it can be to accept who and what he has become. But the more you fool yourself the more he can manipulate you.
He is not going to suddenly become fair or responsible. Protect your child and yourself, yes?
Then proceeds to tell me that it is normal. He is just having fun on the weekend, and that I am not allowing him to enjoy anything. And I believed it. Sometimes it still crosses my mind that it is me being controlling.
But as you said. He is manipulative.
Thank you for your words.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you mentioned being financially dependent on him. which is tricky because he IS your husband, but also a complete flake. this doesn't usually work out well. relying on the UNreliable is not a sound fiscal plan. but sometimes that is where we end up.
and then like it or not, we need to formulate a plan to change our circumstances. it will probably behoove you to plan on not seeing much further $$ from the AH. which means you need a plan B. sure you can sue him for child support,etc, but if he is running his finances into the dirt, he won't HAVE anything to offer.
you mention your mom can "help". can you leave the apt and go live WITH her? is that an option?
what about your work skills? it's advisable to aim for self sufficiency. that may take time, but it's a worthy goal.
now is the time to take the reins. become empowered, not beholden to anyone.
and then like it or not, we need to formulate a plan to change our circumstances. it will probably behoove you to plan on not seeing much further $$ from the AH. which means you need a plan B. sure you can sue him for child support,etc, but if he is running his finances into the dirt, he won't HAVE anything to offer.
you mention your mom can "help". can you leave the apt and go live WITH her? is that an option?
what about your work skills? it's advisable to aim for self sufficiency. that may take time, but it's a worthy goal.
now is the time to take the reins. become empowered, not beholden to anyone.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Erza…….When alcoholism becomes a part of the relationship...ass the usual "rules" that work in a normal healthy relationship are turned topsy-turvy......all turned on it's head. Trying to apply the old rules can make you feel confused...…
It would help for you to really study and learn all you can about the nature of alcoholism and what to expect.....
There is sooo much to know.
Knowledge is power.
for starters....I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of over 100 excellent articles. (They are contained in the "stickies"---at the top of main page--above the threads)….
These articles are about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.
I am giving you a quick link, for your convenience....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
***If you have not read the most recommended book, on this site....I suggest that you might read "Co-dependent No More"......it is an easy read and I think you will find a lot that will resonate with you, right now.....
You can get it ...or a used copy....on amazon.com.....or, the local library....
It would help for you to really study and learn all you can about the nature of alcoholism and what to expect.....
There is sooo much to know.
Knowledge is power.
for starters....I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of over 100 excellent articles. (They are contained in the "stickies"---at the top of main page--above the threads)….
These articles are about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.
I am giving you a quick link, for your convenience....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
***If you have not read the most recommended book, on this site....I suggest that you might read "Co-dependent No More"......it is an easy read and I think you will find a lot that will resonate with you, right now.....
You can get it ...or a used copy....on amazon.com.....or, the local library....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
I think, at this point... it’s about brainstorming where you and your daughter could potentially live temporarily... either family, friends or other resources. Don’t want to presume that’s the next step but I’m worried you really won’t be able to move forward... living in the house, under his financial control. I don’t have a child but had many tough medical challenges... I was once financially dependent on my abusive XAGF. It was tough beyond words. The feeling of hopelessness is pretty strong because the environment is so toxic and unpredictable.
Many women (who have gone through exactly what you’re feeling/going through) on this forum will provide more concrete support suggestions for you, if/when you’re ready. And maybe you’re not ready, yet. That’s OK, we are all here for you.
Sending you peace and courage tonight.
Many women (who have gone through exactly what you’re feeling/going through) on this forum will provide more concrete support suggestions for you, if/when you’re ready. And maybe you’re not ready, yet. That’s OK, we are all here for you.
Sending you peace and courage tonight.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by Erza
This sight and everyone on it has been helping me so much. I am so thankful.
It is day five and I dan't feel strong. I met him today to discuss things and he was blank. And when he did show emotion it was anger at how me going to a lawyer and filing child support etc will bankrupt him. He is currently staying in a motel and paying for the rent of the apartment I am in so I'm guessing he is worrying g about money. But nothing about my feeling.
How can he be so cold? Continue to say, even though he is in a crappy motel he is so happy...? I feel I am secretly waiting for him to call me after drinking and beg to come home. I am not strong today. Right now anyway. Some times I feel strong. But not right now.
How can he suddenly not love me anymore? He acts like HE is the one fleeing a bad situation.
I would have felt so much stricher had I made the decision to leave.
It is day five and I dan't feel strong. I met him today to discuss things and he was blank. And when he did show emotion it was anger at how me going to a lawyer and filing child support etc will bankrupt him. He is currently staying in a motel and paying for the rent of the apartment I am in so I'm guessing he is worrying g about money. But nothing about my feeling.
How can he be so cold? Continue to say, even though he is in a crappy motel he is so happy...? I feel I am secretly waiting for him to call me after drinking and beg to come home. I am not strong today. Right now anyway. Some times I feel strong. But not right now.
How can he suddenly not love me anymore? He acts like HE is the one fleeing a bad situation.
I would have felt so much stricher had I made the decision to leave.
My strength waxes and wanes. I don't want to see or talk to him right now because he can seem so normal but cold and it makes me sad. I doubt he'll ask to come back when I do file the divorce papers b/c I plan to call him out on his substance use and general b*llsh*t but, if he does try to reconcile, my plan is to require rehab for him, a year clean time, and deep into family therapy before we would move that too far...if even then. I may be done.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 7
I was with my husband 29 yrs. He drank through most of it. When he did quit he turned to Oxycontin. I had told him I'd divorce him if he didn't quit. He was on his 3rd DUI. The oxy was worse. He ended up doing prison time for the oxy addiction. I stayed by him 5 yrs while he was in prison. As soon as he walked out the doors he said he was going to drink again. His drugs and drinking effected our son and now our son in the same spot. My husband left with some women he picked up with and returned to his drinking and drug use. I divorced him in 2012. He cut contact with both our children. He has one love and alcohol is it. I haven't seen or talked to him in 7-8 yrs now. Since he left my life has greatly improved. I bought a small Hobby Farm and have a boyfriend who doesn't drink a drop. Life is good. For my now X-husband, life not so good. I think back on the yrs and know that I could of bought many houses from the money he spent on alcohol, drugs, wreaked cars and legal fees. Stress gone from my life and I'm healthier. My husband gave me the same speech also. He then found a women who would accept the drinking. Go talk to an attorney and start the divorce process. Get your child support and spousal support going. Focus on yourself and improving your life. I went to college on grants and excelled in criminal justice/psy. I just retired from being a Sup in a prison for 29 yrs. I have a good retirement going. My X-husband has nothing going. The drinking will effect your children's lives. I'm dealing with that with my son now. I did 29 yrs of "hard time" with my alcoholic/drug addicted husband. I look back on those wasted yrs of my life with sadness. I should of walked so much sooner.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by Thlayli
It boggles my mind that mine was the one to leave too. He slept on the floor of the front porch for a week when he "left" and then has been sleeping out in our detached garage (no AC) for several weeks since - first on the floor and then he finally moved a bed out there. No reason for him to do that as there was no fighting and we hardly saw each other...but he knew I WOULD have something to say if he were drinking and smoking pot in the house...so dirty, humid garage trumps comfortable bed.
My strength waxes and wanes. I don't want to see or talk to him right now because he can seem so normal but cold and it makes me sad. I doubt he'll ask to come back when I do file the divorce papers b/c I plan to call him out on his substance use and general b*llsh*t but, if he does try to reconcile, my plan is to require rehab for him, a year clean time, and deep into family therapy before we would move that too far...if even then. I may be done.
My strength waxes and wanes. I don't want to see or talk to him right now because he can seem so normal but cold and it makes me sad. I doubt he'll ask to come back when I do file the divorce papers b/c I plan to call him out on his substance use and general b*llsh*t but, if he does try to reconcile, my plan is to require rehab for him, a year clean time, and deep into family therapy before we would move that too far...if even then. I may be done.
I also feel like I understand the pressure my AH must be going through. He kept trying in vain. That must be hard. He wants to burn bridges and start a new life because he thinks it's easier than working on the one he has now. And he can do that by telling himself it's me. It's this relationship and everything else but him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by yooper01
I was with my husband 29 yrs. He drank through most of it. When he did quit he turned to Oxycontin. I had told him I'd divorce him if he didn't quit. He was on his 3rd DUI. The oxy was worse. He ended up doing prison time for the oxy addiction. I stayed by him 5 yrs while he was in prison. As soon as he walked out the doors he said he was going to drink again. His drugs and drinking effected our son and now our son in the same spot. My husband left with some women he picked up with and returned to his drinking and drug use. I divorced him in 2012. He cut contact with both our children. He has one love and alcohol is it. I haven't seen or talked to him in 7-8 yrs now. Since he left my life has greatly improved. I bought a small Hobby Farm and have a boyfriend who doesn't drink a drop. Life is good. For my now X-husband, life not so good. I think back on the yrs and know that I could of bought many houses from the money he spent on alcohol, drugs, wreaked cars and legal fees. Stress gone from my life and I'm healthier. My husband gave me the same speech also. He then found a women who would accept the drinking. Go talk to an attorney and start the divorce process. Get your child support and spousal support going. Focus on yourself and improving your life. I went to college on grants and excelled in criminal justice/psy. I just retired from being a Sup in a prison for 29 yrs. I have a good retirement going. My X-husband has nothing going. The drinking will effect your children's lives. I'm dealing with that with my son now. I did 29 yrs of "hard time" with my alcoholic/drug addicted husband. I look back on those wasted yrs of my life with sadness. I should of walked so much sooner.
I have seen a lawyer and have gone through with filing for support.
My AH keeps telling me I made him think he was an alcoholic. That what he is doing is normal. He used to drink daily, last year, at work and weekends. Since January, from what I know, it has been just weekends. Binge drinking all night. And he says it's just him enjoying time with his friends... but I know he cant go more than a week or two without drinking or having the urge to drink.
So sometimes it crosses my mind that it is me just not wanting him to have fun or trying to control him. How do I break those thoughts?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
ERZA......to answer your above question.....doing the studying and reading as I just suggested....as well as face to face support in alanon and through your counselor, will help you to strengthen your self esteem and personal insight.....this will help you to sort out what is or isn't your fault/responsibility...
…...It is NOT your fault that he is an alcoholic.
…...It is NOT your fault that he is an alcoholic.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Erza
So sometimes it crosses my mind that it is me just not wanting him to have fun or trying to control him. How do I break those thoughts?
You mention the drinking has "just" been on weekends since January but you also mentioned he lost his job for the 3rd time in April. Was that not drinking related?
In effect, if he wants to drink and you say - no you can't or no you shouldn't, well that is controlling. He is saying I want to do this and you are saying no you can't.
The truth is, yes he can and he just did. You have a problem with his drinking, he doesn't.
Does that make logical sense? To leave your family and child to go off to a motel to drink? Well no, not to someone who isn't an alcoholic. But he is and it does make sense to him.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and cannot Cure it.
This relationship has a HUGE impasse. You two could stay together and war it out for years, but why would you do that to yourself (and your child)?
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