Nd819

Hello,

This is my first post but I have been reading this forum for quite awhile. I am not sure what type of feedback that I am looking for other than perhaps someone to tell me I'm not crazy to feel the way I do. Some background, my husband and I have been married for 17 years and have 2 teens. In the beginning my husband was a binge drinker, on the weekend he would drink a lot if we had some social occasion but during the week usually very little or nothing. I was concerned in the beginning that there was no off switch but I chalked it up to life stage, I figured once we were married with kids and responsibilities life would settle, big mistake. Over the years his pattern of drinking has changed to nightly, putting away anywhere from 8-10 drinks (usually beer). It is hard for me to accurately gauge because he has definitely gotten sneaky and hides it. I will find beer cans hidden in the trash, in pockets of his jackets, most recently under the seat of his car, etc. As you can imagine we have had many, many conversations about how much it bothers me. I hate sleeping next to someone where all I can smell is the cloud of alcohol coming out of them, I hate the change in his voice, how his speech slows down and so on. I decided long ago I just didn't want to be around his drinking so once he starts in the evening we pretty much lead separate lives. I guess the upside is he seems to be functioning very well, has a great job, is a good provider, certainly doesn't seem overly drunk to others. I don't believe he is drinking during the day, starts around 6 each night. If I were to guess I doubt he has gone 1 night without drinking in 5 years and no more then 3 nights without drinking in 10. I read so many stories here and think that maybe it shouldn't bother me so much? My husband is certainly not falling down drunk, getting into trouble, etc. The other side of me wishes that he would get worse so I would have an excuse to finally take action. I read another recent post about wishing her husband would have an affair or hit her and I completely understood the feeling! The other thing that is strange is that the last couple of years he's actually changed for the better in a lot of ways, much less critical, more easy going and less likely to pick fights, it makes me feel even more guilty for feeling the way I do.

Sorry for the long post, I really have no one to talk to about this so maybe I just needed to get it all out there.

Wombaticus

Nd819. You could have written that about me. In fact, the affair/hit thing may have been me! This forum has saved my life, or at least my future. Sounds like the concept of alcoholism crept up on you, as it did me.
You are not crazy, although I can understand how you might feel that way. Our relationships change with alcohol.
I refuse to share a bed with AH on drinking nights because like you, i cant stand the smell, the snoring, the radiant heat. He hasnow moved to the spare room without any discussion.
Parallel lives are gut-wrenching after a while when you realise your imagined/hoped future has been lost, and you are fully in charge from 6pm until whenever the next day.
Im glad you are here. We understand the crazy days. X

Newlife2019

I'm sorry for what brought you here! Dealing with an alcoholic, especially when you have children in the house, is a frustrating and painful experience.

I'm sorry to say but hiding beer, marital problems, and having an ever-escalating number of drinks each day are all signs of alcoholism. Drinking 8-10 beers a night is a sure sign of a problem.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. While it seems not-so-bad now because he's not falling down drunk, violent, or unemployed, that is your future if he doesn't get help. If he is hiding beer in the car, does that mean he is drinking and driving? If so, he is putting your financial future at risk as well as depriving you of your peace of mind.

Have you tried Ala-non? I have read from others here how helpful that can be. Coming to this forum is a great first step. I was terribly uneducated about alcoholism, despite being married to one for 36 years. It was not until he became a raging, frightening alcoholic that I finally took action. For your sake, and the sake of your children, don't wait that long. Please insist he seek treatment. What you describe is serious. Will his family help?

Also...I too remember wishing he would have an affair or do something "really bad" so I could leave. Once I saw a truck that looked like his outside an apartment complex, and I was filled with elation thinking I had caught him with another woman. Alas, wrong truck. What you need to realize is that he's already doing something "really bad" by walking around half-stoned every evening.

trailmix

Hi Nd819!

Well, you certainly don't seem crazy at all? Is it because he downplays his drinking while you know it's very much out of control?

He would appear to be an alcoholic, based on your description.

Yes, right now he is high functioning, in terms of work (from what you know) but that's just a stage, an alcoholic can change stages quickly. They are functioning ok until they are not. There is, unfortunately, no guarantee he will be this high functioning for long, but it might go on for a while, no way to tell and I'm sure that is very unnerving for you.

How are you coping with all of this? Is this a relationship you want to stay in?

dandylion

Nd......To me, it sounds like you have gotten so used to living so long with an active alcoholic, that it has, to a large degree become your "normal".
Why in the word would you NOT be upset with what you describe that you have been living with....

Like the frog in the pot of boiling water....
If one put the frog in the boiling water, right away...it would either die or jump out immediately.....BUT---if the frog is put in a pot of cool water and the temperature is raised very, very slightly, over a long period of time....the frog just sits there.....while the water reaches the boiling point......

Bekindalways

Welcome Nd and so sorry for what brings you here.

As someone already said, you might give alanon a try. It isn't for everyone but it can be a life saver for others.

Also like others have said, alcoholism tends to progress. You have already seen some of this progression. You can insist he gets treatment or quit but this is entirely up to him. It is his right to live his life as he wishes no matter how destructive it seems to you. You also have the right to live how you want. Some people do stay with alcoholics and learn detachment techniques. It is entirely up to each individual.

Courage to you and let us know how you are getting along.

ironwill

ND,

I'm sorry for your pain. Your AH sound at the same level my AW was at. I had no clue she was drinking so much. It scared me when I found out how much. Get to some support and look after yourself band your kids. You guys need to come first.be strong and have a good night

ironwill

Dandylion,
I just that frog story at my Al-Anon meeting this past Monday. I thought it was. A great story.

Nd819

I think another thing that really scares me is that alcoholism runs in his family, his aunt died of alcoholism years ago and his father and uncle have been very heavy drinkers their whole lives. His father recently passed away but his drinking never seemed to bother his mom. They had a rule that they wouldn't start until 5 but once 5:00 rolled around they drank until they went bed, every. single. night. I think I see my future and it makes me feel literally sick to my stomach. Plus, as was brought up, after 6:00 all parenting responsibility falls on me, I always have to be mindful that I'm the only one capable of doing any sort of drop off and pickup for the kids, sometimes I would just like a night off.

FarmhouseGal

trailmix

Please take Farmhousegal's words to heart.

There doesn't need to be a reason other than you are unhappy.

Sometimes the heart can hold you back when your mind is kicking you to make a move. Sometimes we just need to steel ourselves and make that move.

It's not pleasant, it hurts! That hurt will fade when you find relief from the madness. Yes, alcoholism is progressive.

A plan helps. The house isn't on fire, no need to run out the door, baby steps.

First, perhaps a consultation with a lawyer, to see where you stand legally. Then what other resources will you need. One by one, make a list and make your inquiries.

Knowledge is power and the more you plan the better you will feel.

Bekindalways

This Nd. You have the right to pursue the life you want. If the situation isn't working for you then do what will make it better.

Just take that next right step whatever it is. Lots of times the next right step is seek more education on alcoholism and codependency.

Nd819

Thank you all again for your thoughtful feedback. I love the idea of just taking the next step. The guilt I feel is overwhelming, I feel like my own happiness shouldn't matter, like I just need to put up with this situation and learn to suck it up. I look around and see heavy drinkers everywhere, I know intellectually that very few drink to my husbands level, but I often feel like the Debbie Downer stick-in-the-mud not just letting my husband have a good time. Does anyone else think this way??

FarmhouseGal

trailmix

That guilt is a problem and it's said many times over on this forum. I totally get it. Many here tend to be kind and caring people. Looking after others becomes a way of life.

Now, there is nothing wrong with being kind and caring, what is wrong is when you don't do that for yourself.

Not letting him have a good time?? If he was bowling on Thursdays and that was a night you liked to go out to dinner with him and complained - ok maybe you are being a DD - but not wanting to live with an alcoholic - that is a different kettle of fish. Maybe there are thousands out at the bar getting drunk, that doesn't mean they are drinking at home all the time, it doesn't mean they are alcoholics and they are not living in your house so it's irrelevant.

This affects YOUR life, your well-being and you need to look out for yourself. You need to get over the guilt and you can do that by starting to look after yourself, who is looking after you anyway, anyone? No, I didn't think so, so how come you get no attention? Are you not worthy of your own caring?

That's not selfish, that's self-care and you deserve that.

First of all I would recommend you read Codependent no more by Melody Beattie, if you haven't already. In particular you want to focus on boundaries perhaps. Your life is not up for sacrifice for anyone else.

You might find this thread from the stickies section (at the top of the forum) helpful:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-go-guilt.html (2/27 Letting Go of Guilt)

In fact you might find a lot of these stickies helpful:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

ironwill

Your happiness should come first YOU MATTER. Your AH will not change and as you have said the only thing he noticed when you stopped everything was the mess.

You are not a Debbie Downer stick in the mud. He drinks because he wants to. Nothing you say would change that. You cared for him that why you feel that way. He has to want to change. The way it sounds he doesn't. I hope you have a good night and treat you self to something tasty. I had pumpkin pie ice cream the other night and it did the trick for me.

Bekindalways

I suppose alcoholics have a point when they call people who get in the way of their drinking Goody-goodies. It is indeed their right to drink and maybe exactly how they want to live their lives.

It took me years to realize my qualifier needed to go down the addiction path. The best thing I could do was get out of his way. My realization came about slowly and clumsily with many missteps on my part.

I realized a bit quicker that I just couldn't be there as he followed this path. I started looking at my own life and at some dreams that had been put aside. I had always wanted to learn a second language so planned a trip to South America.

I realize my situation was different as we weren't married and didn't have kids so leaving was relatively simple for me.

Actually he didn't call me a Debbie Downer but he did call me selfish. When he said this to me, I responded, "I'm being as absolutely selfish as I possibly can be." I was raised Catholic but with time I realized that Jesus Christ himself took off with his disciples or just alone to pray. Self care is a moral action and if we are thinking right we should feel guilty if we are NOT taking care of ourselves. We codependents tend to fall short in this area.

dandylion

Nd.....you say that you have been reading around this forum for some time...then, perhaps you have read "Co-dependent No More".....as it is the most recommended book on this forum. It is an easy read and I think a lot of it will resonate with you...…
You can get it from the library or used, on amazon.com...…
I think it would be time very well spent, for you...

***When you are reading other peoples threads....if you want to go back to their very beginnings.....just click on their Name...on the left hand side of their posts...…..and, you can read every thread they have made since they came to SR......

BlownOne

it doesn't really matter if an alcoholic or addict is high functioning. Nobody wants to be in a relationship where the other person isn't fully emotionally or mentally "present". I was a high functioning alcoholic for many, many years. My consequences were pretty mild compared to a lot of folks. But my thinking revolved around me. Specifically, my desire to drink when, where and how I wanted to. It's incredibly selfish, self destructive and stupid. But that's where the disease takes you. Right down the rabbit hole. You have every right to want to be with someone who is "all in" and is willing to put your relationship first. Alcoholics have a hard time understanding that. In my mind, the fact that I held a job, paid the bills, didn't get in trouble with the law, and drank at home as opposed to the bars made me AOK. Why would anyone complain, right? That's how idiotic I was. I paid for it by losing my marriage. But it woke me up and set me straight. Hugs to you. I know it must be hard. Do what you need to do for YOU!

dawnrising

^ALL OF THIS!!! I totally get it. It is a progressive disease and functioning is just a stage. IME there is nothing more painful than feeling completely alone with your spouse in the room. When the pain becomes too much you will act. Will be praying for you.