Occasionally, There Are Happy Stories
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Occasionally, There Are Happy Stories
Hi all,
I was a very active member years ago. My life was such a hot mess for various reasons, but primarily because my RAH was a raging alcoholic, out of control mess and sweet Jesus, I could not control it. Though I tried my damndest to control the hell out of everything. There were so many times we screamed at each other on the phone. So many lies about whether he had been drinking or not, which, in the end, I *knew* whether he had been drinking because the proof was on the other end of the phone or directly in front of me. The worst was the smell.
RAH has been sober for three and a half years. He goes to meetings daily, even on when we're on vacation. Even in other countries. Our friends don't think its a big deal that he doesn't drink (I thought this was going to be such a huge issue, but that really spoke volumes to the quality of "friends" that we had at the time) and he never discloses why, which again, no one seems to care. Anonymity in tact for our family.
It's not all rainbows and unicorns. Sometimes things start to spiral and the edges begin to fray, I see and feel red flags and I put on my big girl panties and tell him that not only is his side of the street filthy but it's starting to spill over to my side of the street. We usually hear each other, then we talk and we both commit to making changes in program. It's a two way street. My best shot at influencing anything is to live it myself. I can't be a crazy controlling wife and expect my husband to just deal with it and be healthy. Program and relationship health is a two way street.
To those with alcoholic spouses, my best advice is to create space and create distance (emotionally and physically). It is nearly impossible to be a healthy person with an active alcoholic in your space, physically, emotionally and/or mentally. Luckily for us (us normies), we get to control how much we allow any given person is to impact our sanity. Also, as difficult as it felt at the time, I had to learn hard and fast how to put myself first, (which is challenging as a mom, doubly challenging as a mom of young kids and further complicated by the chaos caused by alcoholic spouses, enabling families and friends, etc.) therapy/counseling, new healthy friends and al-anon mtgs really can help tremendously in doing so. They helped me a lot.
I'm not by any means saying that RAH won't relapse or is out of the dark of relapse again (hell, he could relapse tomorrow for all I know, or in 10 years or never) but I did want to share that occasionally, there is real and meaningful happiness that can follow what feels like the absolute darkest of times.
Be strong, be kind to yourself and have faith that you'll come out on the other side better for all of this.
I was a very active member years ago. My life was such a hot mess for various reasons, but primarily because my RAH was a raging alcoholic, out of control mess and sweet Jesus, I could not control it. Though I tried my damndest to control the hell out of everything. There were so many times we screamed at each other on the phone. So many lies about whether he had been drinking or not, which, in the end, I *knew* whether he had been drinking because the proof was on the other end of the phone or directly in front of me. The worst was the smell.
RAH has been sober for three and a half years. He goes to meetings daily, even on when we're on vacation. Even in other countries. Our friends don't think its a big deal that he doesn't drink (I thought this was going to be such a huge issue, but that really spoke volumes to the quality of "friends" that we had at the time) and he never discloses why, which again, no one seems to care. Anonymity in tact for our family.
It's not all rainbows and unicorns. Sometimes things start to spiral and the edges begin to fray, I see and feel red flags and I put on my big girl panties and tell him that not only is his side of the street filthy but it's starting to spill over to my side of the street. We usually hear each other, then we talk and we both commit to making changes in program. It's a two way street. My best shot at influencing anything is to live it myself. I can't be a crazy controlling wife and expect my husband to just deal with it and be healthy. Program and relationship health is a two way street.
To those with alcoholic spouses, my best advice is to create space and create distance (emotionally and physically). It is nearly impossible to be a healthy person with an active alcoholic in your space, physically, emotionally and/or mentally. Luckily for us (us normies), we get to control how much we allow any given person is to impact our sanity. Also, as difficult as it felt at the time, I had to learn hard and fast how to put myself first, (which is challenging as a mom, doubly challenging as a mom of young kids and further complicated by the chaos caused by alcoholic spouses, enabling families and friends, etc.) therapy/counseling, new healthy friends and al-anon mtgs really can help tremendously in doing so. They helped me a lot.
I'm not by any means saying that RAH won't relapse or is out of the dark of relapse again (hell, he could relapse tomorrow for all I know, or in 10 years or never) but I did want to share that occasionally, there is real and meaningful happiness that can follow what feels like the absolute darkest of times.
Be strong, be kind to yourself and have faith that you'll come out on the other side better for all of this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
hi stung, I wasn't familiar with your story so I went and read some of your older threads.
You have really been through a lot. I'm glad it worked out for you finally. Hope everything continues to go well and thanks for the update!
You have really been through a lot. I'm glad it worked out for you finally. Hope everything continues to go well and thanks for the update!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 94
Stung, I dont know all of the background but I can imagine. Thank you for coming back to share this:
"Luckily for us (us normies), we get to control how much we allow any given person is to impact our sanity. Also, as difficult as it felt at the time, I had to learn hard and fast how to put myself first"
I needed to hear this truth! Now to put it into practice... Thank you! You sound healthy and that gives me hope I will be healthier one day, too.
"Luckily for us (us normies), we get to control how much we allow any given person is to impact our sanity. Also, as difficult as it felt at the time, I had to learn hard and fast how to put myself first"
I needed to hear this truth! Now to put it into practice... Thank you! You sound healthy and that gives me hope I will be healthier one day, too.
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