I cant get over him!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by FionnaPerSe 
@trailmix true, It WAS indeed real for me in that sense. And I believe somehow for him too even (now that i think of it) as he was (at least occasionally-the way i see it now) fully surrendering to our life and what We could be or become together or whatever. I do believe he was trying too in his own way in different ways, and also professing his love to me etc. However, i suppose addiction made sure after all, to keep on reminding him to use the breaks in relation to that, so he sadly did remain with one foot out the door, at the end of the day. Which made the real “unit” pretty much impossible to sustain, as you mentioned.
I keep wondering tho, as I am reading few success stories here too (one of them today even)- what makes someone quit over not quitting when they are faced with the choice or even “threatened” in a way by anyone important in their life!? Does that mean they are further down the line of realizing about their condition!? Or more mature!? Or more ready to compromise? Or more loving or less out the door with their SO!? As few DID “choose” their partners and families alright!? Thats a fact too! So how come!? I wonder...
And yes, i was very naive when it comes to alcohol addiction. now i am more informed but still puzzled with individual differences that obviously do exist at the end of the day. Statistics still doesnt bring hope overall unfortunately, tho.��*♀️
I keep wondering tho, as I am reading few success stories here too (one of them today even)- what makes someone quit over not quitting when they are faced with the choice or even “threatened” in a way by anyone important in their life!? Does that mean they are further down the line of realizing about their condition!? Or more mature!? Or more ready to compromise? Or more loving or less out the door with their SO!? As few DID “choose” their partners and families alright!? Thats a fact too! So how come!? I wonder...
And yes, i was very naive when it comes to alcohol addiction. now i am more informed but still puzzled with individual differences that obviously do exist at the end of the day. Statistics still doesnt bring hope overall unfortunately, tho.��*♀️
If you go back and read the previous threads over YEARS - the abuse of both her and their little children, the rages etc. The separation over at least 2 years (that I read of) the impending divorce and even after all that - he's only been sober 3.5 years.
So yes, right now that is a successful story for them and I don't mean to take away from it at all. BUT you could have written the same story a year ago? He has been clean now for over a year and we are very happy together and planning our future.
It's a powerful and baffling thing is addiction as dandylion refers to.
There is a reason the first Step at Al-Anon and AA is:
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol."
You might find this article interesting/helpful:
https://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/ar...nside-step-one
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Fionna…..another idea...lol....in addition to asking your relatives...your uncle, brother and cousin....you could, also go to Open AA meetings. You are allowed to attend AA meetings that are marked as "open", and just observe. these meetings will, frequently, have speakers who speak very openly and eloquently on this matter, about themselves.
Again, they will not be your boyfriend...but, you will get the kinds of individual answers that you are wondering, so much, about.....
On a flip side, once can ask the same kind of questions about those who are in toxic relationships...."Why do some people stay...and, some people leave? "For those who do leave...what is the deciding factor? etc.....
Again, they will not be your boyfriend...but, you will get the kinds of individual answers that you are wondering, so much, about.....
On a flip side, once can ask the same kind of questions about those who are in toxic relationships...."Why do some people stay...and, some people leave? "For those who do leave...what is the deciding factor? etc.....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Fionna…...Please forgive me!. I got your relatives mixed up with another poster on another SR forum, who asked almost the same question that you ask.
so, please ignore what I said about asking them....
My poor little mind----sometimes, gets details of different people's stories mixed up....!
so, please ignore what I said about asking them....
My poor little mind----sometimes, gets details of different people's stories mixed up....!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I don't know why some addicts/alcoholics can successfully quit when others can't. I do know that it is *not* because their partners are not worth it. Not at all.
Your ex continuing on in his addiction is all about *him* and nothing about you.
Your ex continuing on in his addiction is all about *him* and nothing about you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 216
I know, and thanks a lot for reminding me @seren! As I sometimes do feel like i possibly wasn't ‘worth’ being chosen in this situation, indeed! But then, i remind myself he is not even choosing here to begin with (like i said), which makes it even worse!?
I guess I am left to keep on praying he will find his health and wellbeing one day! Sincerely! This is all I can do! In the spaces between my own anger and a heartbreak.....
And indeed, it would be better perhaps if I was only half invested in this relationship and with one foot out the door too in a way!? But I was fully present instead. And I wore my heart on a sleeve.
So now, after it all crumbled down with a shocking bang (at least in my own head), I need to get used to the silence of my sole company again. And slowly start picking up the pieces of a lost dream, and in order to have something, anything, left to build on- for myself, in this vast, pretty much lonely Universe, AND for the future too-whichever new definition it might hold for me- that is, once i manage to get the grasp of it in the first place. 😪
I guess I am left to keep on praying he will find his health and wellbeing one day! Sincerely! This is all I can do! In the spaces between my own anger and a heartbreak.....
And indeed, it would be better perhaps if I was only half invested in this relationship and with one foot out the door too in a way!? But I was fully present instead. And I wore my heart on a sleeve.
So now, after it all crumbled down with a shocking bang (at least in my own head), I need to get used to the silence of my sole company again. And slowly start picking up the pieces of a lost dream, and in order to have something, anything, left to build on- for myself, in this vast, pretty much lonely Universe, AND for the future too-whichever new definition it might hold for me- that is, once i manage to get the grasp of it in the first place. 😪
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
