I'm back
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
I'm back
I think I first came to this forum around 2011. My husband had relapsed and was moving out. I was worried and sad - partly because of him but partly because I was worried about losing my step-son. He came back and I remember having mixed feelings about it because I was learning to live my own life again after his 6 weeks away.
About 3 years later it happened again. He ended up not actually leaving that time but made his son switch schools to his ex's school district which set us up for 4 years of driving him to school since AH is the primary parent.
About a year ago AH gained sole custody b/c the mother's oldest son turned her into CPS for drug use. She never came to court and lost custody quickly. Shortly afterwards AH started his longest relapse since I've known him. He's been drinking and hitting "bottoms" for almost a year now.
I thought we were making some progress. About 6 weeks ago I started the process to legally adopt our now 11-year-old. AH was starting AA meetings and had gotten a new therapist. I was hopeful but worried when DS and I were going on a week-long vacation without AH but AH had what seemed like a solid plan in place so I was hopeful.
Today - he has packed up most of his stuff and is in the process of moving out. He relapsed (continued his relapse) while we were on vacation and now says he needs out so he can focus on his drinking and smoking. He has moved into the detached garage (?) so he can smoke as much as he likes and continue to drink long into the night. He says he plans to be completely out of the house within the next month.
The adoption will be finalized next week and I'm so grateful for that. He's allowing me to keep DS, acknowledging that I'm the only stable parent he's had. I'm soooo sad though. Overall we do well. I'll be okay financially. I have support from lots of friends. I go out and do things with people more often because I'm not trying to juggle my life around the idea that MAYBE AH will want to do something with us. It's hard to let go of the vision I had of us as a family though.
Not sure why I'm posting but thought I'd fill people in if they remember me at all. Doing lots of reading now and reminding myself when I ask "Why is this happening" is that the answer is simply "addiction." It sucks.
About 3 years later it happened again. He ended up not actually leaving that time but made his son switch schools to his ex's school district which set us up for 4 years of driving him to school since AH is the primary parent.
About a year ago AH gained sole custody b/c the mother's oldest son turned her into CPS for drug use. She never came to court and lost custody quickly. Shortly afterwards AH started his longest relapse since I've known him. He's been drinking and hitting "bottoms" for almost a year now.
I thought we were making some progress. About 6 weeks ago I started the process to legally adopt our now 11-year-old. AH was starting AA meetings and had gotten a new therapist. I was hopeful but worried when DS and I were going on a week-long vacation without AH but AH had what seemed like a solid plan in place so I was hopeful.
Today - he has packed up most of his stuff and is in the process of moving out. He relapsed (continued his relapse) while we were on vacation and now says he needs out so he can focus on his drinking and smoking. He has moved into the detached garage (?) so he can smoke as much as he likes and continue to drink long into the night. He says he plans to be completely out of the house within the next month.
The adoption will be finalized next week and I'm so grateful for that. He's allowing me to keep DS, acknowledging that I'm the only stable parent he's had. I'm soooo sad though. Overall we do well. I'll be okay financially. I have support from lots of friends. I go out and do things with people more often because I'm not trying to juggle my life around the idea that MAYBE AH will want to do something with us. It's hard to let go of the vision I had of us as a family though.
Not sure why I'm posting but thought I'd fill people in if they remember me at all. Doing lots of reading now and reminding myself when I ask "Why is this happening" is that the answer is simply "addiction." It sucks.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
My heart goes out to you, Thlayli! Your last sentence says it all. My mantra for this year has been "F**** Alcohol".
God bless you for stepping in to protect and care for your stepson. He's so lucky to have you (and vice versa, I'm sure!). I hate that his father is bowing out so he can attend to his addiction, but that's how it goes, isn't it. Crazy.
God bless you for stepping in to protect and care for your stepson. He's so lucky to have you (and vice versa, I'm sure!). I hate that his father is bowing out so he can attend to his addiction, but that's how it goes, isn't it. Crazy.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by Thlayli 
and now says he needs out so he can focus on his drinking and smoking. He has moved into the detached garage (?) so he can smoke as much as he likes and continue to drink long into the night. He says he plans to be completely out of the house within the next month.
Any chance he can move out sooner than in one month?
I'm so glad you have your Son with you.
I know this is so painful for you. You're right, addiction sucks.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
odd - i wasn't aware that being a parent was OPTIONAL. that poor kid, thank the stars in heavens and all powers of the universe that he has YOU, Thlayli!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
Quick update: DH did not show up for court on the day of the adoption so it couldn't go through. When I came home after court (around 10am) I went to the garage to see if he was there. He was and was passed out. He said we could reschedule court and that he didn't realize he had to be there.
I'm reasonably confident he'll still allow the adoption to go through. He's lying that he didn't know he had to be there b/c he rearranged his work schedule so he could be there. He just used too much and was up too late the night before. ..can't admit that, of course, so he has to tell himself he didn't know.
One positive thing is that now the judge knows about his drinking and his history. My lawyer suggested looking into filing a mental hygiene warrant. His family has wanted me to do this for some time but I am reluctant due to my not having rights to DSS.
I'm reasonably confident he'll still allow the adoption to go through. He's lying that he didn't know he had to be there b/c he rearranged his work schedule so he could be there. He just used too much and was up too late the night before. ..can't admit that, of course, so he has to tell himself he didn't know.
One positive thing is that now the judge knows about his drinking and his history. My lawyer suggested looking into filing a mental hygiene warrant. His family has wanted me to do this for some time but I am reluctant due to my not having rights to DSS.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Wouldn't having him in custody for mental illness work against you if you need to have him in court for the adoption?
When your lawyer suggested this was it in regard to the adoption?
Might a judge look at that and think you are just trying to serve your interests (conflict of interest).
I'm no lawyer but it just seems like an odd move at this point. How soon can you get the court rescheduled? Next time I would make sure he can make it, organize his clothes and transport etc, it's in your best interests. Maybe even plan to have a meal beforehand?
When your lawyer suggested this was it in regard to the adoption?
Might a judge look at that and think you are just trying to serve your interests (conflict of interest).
I'm no lawyer but it just seems like an odd move at this point. How soon can you get the court rescheduled? Next time I would make sure he can make it, organize his clothes and transport etc, it's in your best interests. Maybe even plan to have a meal beforehand?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
I worded this inaccurately...she asked if I'd considered filing it in the past. That opened the door to my telling the reasons I'd thought about it recently including being hospitalized for alcohol poisoning when police found him passed out on the sidewalk.
She says rescheduling the court should be quick. I don't know how much longer I'll have access to him though as he's supposed to be moving out as soon as this weekend. Even if he tells me where he's going I won't be able to go to his place to wake him. If he does happen to still be in the garage I will certainly go get him before the next hearing.
My lawyer seems to think I may have some options if he continues to know show since he is also not involved with his child at this point. I guess we'll have to discuss this more when the time comes.
She says rescheduling the court should be quick. I don't know how much longer I'll have access to him though as he's supposed to be moving out as soon as this weekend. Even if he tells me where he's going I won't be able to go to his place to wake him. If he does happen to still be in the garage I will certainly go get him before the next hearing.
My lawyer seems to think I may have some options if he continues to know show since he is also not involved with his child at this point. I guess we'll have to discuss this more when the time comes.
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