lonelyhusband

If so, it's a real shame that instead of bringing up the issues that were bothering her in the marriage, she chose to drink and mask them. I figured in sobriety we'd at least be able to try and work through them. And yes it would appear I need to start preparing for single life but I'm honestly having trouble even getting out of bed every day. The emotional roller-coaster this woman has put me through leaves me feeling like I have PTSD.

lonelyhusband

I actually thought it might be something like a mid-life crisis as well. Either that or simply not a solid recovery. Thank you for the support. Feeling gutted, but the responses here help a bit.

trailmix

You need support, here, therapy, Al-Anon, family, friends, wherever you can. It helps to talk it out.

There is an acronym - HALT - Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, if you keep these in mind and attend to them, it will help.

It takes time. You can give yourself a break. Focusing back on yourself is key. Good self care is important. Sleep when you can, eat well, try to get in a walk or anything else you find relaxing.

FeelingGreat

Hi LH, it's agonising now, but you will start to feel better eventually. Really. You don't say what the situation is with the children. Do you have them on a regular basis? However you're feeling don't step back and let her have the running on deciding arrangements about the children. When you do have them, make it as good as you can, and I'm not talking about spending money. You're going to be a fantastic presence in their life for years and years.

My thought was there might be another person in her life. Sorry, I know that's a hard thought for you, but just so you're not blindsided.

I've been though this type of trauma and I found that I had to work hard at getting out, making friends, seeing therapists. At first it will be like you're going though the motions but I promise it will pay off in the end.

lonelyhusband

God I hope not but in a way, (as gut wrenching as it would be) it would actually give me some sort of concrete reason for her behavior. I'd be able to get angry, place blame, and move on eventually. As it stands though, I actually don't believe there is someone else which just leaves me blaming myself.

As a side note thank you for the PM. I'll look into that resource. Apparently I'm not allowed to PM you back until I have 15 posts or something.

AutumnMama

Yeah, I am glad someone else mentioned this. My ex husband suddenly changed into someone unrecognizable in his recovery, and it turned out he had gotten into prescription drugs/sex addiction/who knows. He went through a lot of effort to hide it, so I was a burden to have around at that point.

dandylion

lonelyhusband…..I know that you are I n therapy...and, I think it is to be expected that, over the course of time, you will gain more insight as to the critical dynamics of the relationship.....
You won't be able to completely "get into her head"....but, you will get to observe her actions, since you have kids, together....and, you will gain more insight into your own self and understand how you fit into the dynamic of the marriage....
That can help you on the road to acceptance of the fact that it did happen....
Reaching an acceptance that history did happen can free you up to continue with life....as you have a lot of life to live.....
While you are still doing the necessary grieving...just getting through the next hour--day--week--month, can be viewed as a "victory".....

lonelyhusband

Hey biminiblue, it's an interesting point that both you and AutumnMama bring up. In recovery I have seen her using some surrogate addictions. First it was work, then a bit of over-eating, then the house needed some remodeling. What makes me hopeful that it might not have transitioned to prescription drugs is that she pretty religiously continues to attend AA and the majority of her social circle are folks in recovery. Also, I'm not sure where she would get them. Her family doctor is aware of her alcoholism and would be hesitant to prescribe her cold medicine at this point. That being said, I'm not naive, and realize that with an alcoholic where there's a will there's a way. Is it completely sick that I'm actually rooting for this prescription drug scenario? One by which at least I'd be able to pin some kind of concrete explanation on her behavior towards me?

dandylion

lonelyhusband…...during the ti me that you and your wife went to marital counseling, I believe that I recall you saying that your wife gave reasons to the counselor of why she wanted a divorce....?
Would those reasons that she gave be a clue as to why she wanted to separate?

totfit

People change. Whether recovering or not people change. The "why" has nothing to do however with your current situation. Continuing to question why or dwelling on the issue will not change the current situation and may in fact make your situation worse. For better or worse, accepting things for what they are and finding new interests and ways to nurture relationships with your children as the situation allows is where energy would best be focused. When all is said and done, unfortunately it takes time to heal wounds. The process is quicker when you focus today and forward, rather than looking in hindsight. Likely, there is nothing you could have done better or worse to change what occurred.

lonelyhusband

Well at the beginning of counseling the clues were pretty vague. "I feel like we've grown apart." "I feel like we're roommates." Things like that. Then as counseling progressed she began to bring up things that in my opinion were easily correctable behaviors. I've always been a night owl and admittedly my sleep schedule has been late to bed late to rise. Also things like not attending all of her family gatherings out of state and also the issue of not carrying my weight with housework. All valid points, but things I immediately corrected to no avail. Just having a hard time understanding the lack of will to allow us to work on the issues. Her mind was clearly already made up.

lonelyhusband

Thanks totfit, and I know you're right on all of this. I guess I'm just having a hard time moving past this because I wonder how much of this is the result of alcohol. The change in personality, attitude, and quick reversal in her feelings about me. I don't know, something just feels off. I wonder about the effects of alcohol on brain chemistry over time and also the behavior of those in relatively early recovery. I know that sometimes it takes a long time for the brain to heal and I worry that decisions that affect our whole family are being made by a person that is not whole yet.

SparkleKitty

Alcohol is more likely a symptom of issues, rather than the cause. While alcohol addiction does come with an overwhelming amount of consequences, it mostly masks root issues that cannot be addressed until the alcohol is removed from the equation. Though I understand your concerns about a person who is not healed making decisions that affect your family, she still retains her autonomy as a human to make those decisions whether anyone else agrees with them or not. This is why those in recovery through AA are often counseled not to instigate any major life changes within the first year, but not everyone heeds this, unfortunately.

Since you cannot control her or think her way through this for her, the best thing for you is to focus on taking care of yourself and make sure you are the healthiest parent you can be for your kids.

dandylion

lonelyhusband...wow....I know that all this comes really hard...and,the pain cuts deep....
That phrase...**" feel like we have grown apart---like we are roomates"....has the ring of emotional disconnect---loss of intimacy in a relationship.
There is lots of evidence that this is a common thing that can happen in a marriage....
Intimacy is a complex "dance" between two people...and, people do change in their needs, over time, also. As I recall, you two met in college years.....about 20 yrs., I believe.....That is a lot of time for both people to evolve and change and a lot of water can go under the bridge in 20 years....
I know that I am certainly not the same person, in many ways, that I was in my early 20s...lol.....
I am still not clear on how long your wife has been in AA and sober.....?
And, it is true that it takes a long time, in recovery---even genuine recovery---for a person to make the kind of changes that they need to....

Still, as others have said, the reality that you have no control over her free will, still stands.....
I am just trying to give you some framework with which to process all of this.....
You do have to go on living your life....and squeeze all of the joy you can out of living....you deserve that....
I am not trying to disregard how much pain you are in and how hard these early days are.....because they are surreal....
Right now, every day that you get through is a victory.....