Feeling like all hope is gone
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by Healingbegins 
I am not trying to judge, but for me personally, I can't do this anymore. Maybe there is a better person out there who will be more patient, more tolerant, accept him for who he is and the decisions he makes. I'm just not that person.
You are doing your children a favour as well.
The part you posted above. It doesn't make a person "better" if they can put up with this. I hope that deep down you know this. This is a huge problem that affects the whole family and if you can accept that, learn some way to cope with the madness, well that is fine and good. But if can't, that's fine too, absolutely no reflection on you as a person.
My Father was an alcoholic. When you grow up in that environment the central focus of the household becomes the drinker. How could it not? The lack of any kind of consistency in their behaviour, alone, puts everyone on edge. What will his mood be tonight? Will he be happy drunk, mean drunk or angry drunk? Will he go to bed early or stay up until early in the morning ranting?
What a way to live! And that's just the tip of the iceberg of destruction. There can be longer term issues for children of alcoholics and perhaps your teens would benefit from Alateen:
https://al-anon.org/for-members/grou...urces/alateen/
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 62
So, I used the medium chill method when he started in on me about having to work this weekend, not caring about his feelings, etc......wow is he mad with my small response....but all is silent now....am I using it all wrong? Or is this just what happens...I do care about his feelings but the context he's using it in is way off base....when others use it do you get the same response? Sorry, just wondering..
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 73
When I used it, it upped the ante on his behavior for a bit and he’d follow me around and get into my personal space attempting to illicit a response, within an hour though he’d give up and just start yelling out randomly at random things
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
When I first started using it my AH (now RAH) noticed. When he would
ask questions about what was wrong with me, I would just say I was
feeling a little off, or that I was worried about some other family
situation, or a headache. Just something to distract him from my
new way of interacting. Slowly he stopped asking. I also explained
my boundaries about verbal attacks around the same time, that
I would no longer tolerate meaness - its not what healthy adults do.
I did not have concerns about physical abuse so everyone
must do what is right for them. They don't like to stew in their
own mess and not bring others to the insanity party.
ask questions about what was wrong with me, I would just say I was
feeling a little off, or that I was worried about some other family
situation, or a headache. Just something to distract him from my
new way of interacting. Slowly he stopped asking. I also explained
my boundaries about verbal attacks around the same time, that
I would no longer tolerate meaness - its not what healthy adults do.
I did not have concerns about physical abuse so everyone
must do what is right for them. They don't like to stew in their
own mess and not bring others to the insanity party.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
This med was supposed to help him feel better so he wouldn't be depressed, therefore wouldn't drink.
Sounds like you're trying to apply rational thinking to an alcoholic, which never works. You kicked him out because of his behavior and it might be a good idea to try Alanon, which can help you take the actions that benefit you.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hope and the Adult child of the alcoholicon. My mother grieved herself to death.
i am an adult child of an alcoholic. My brother was an alcoholic. My mother was a fearful co-dependent who was incapable of protecting us from the insanity of the bottle family.
My father died alone in his addiction. My brother died in his addiction. My mother grieved herself to death. I don’t know who I resented more... my cruel sadistic father or my weak mother who was incapable of protecting us.
all of us kids were screwed up... we all had broken pickers and ended up with alcoholics and addicts so we could go “home” subconsciously and fix our families and find the love than abandoning absent alcoholic parent left in shambles.
i got divorced and raised my kids alone. He.. dad... never changed. Never kept promises. Never stopped using and died in his addiction.
The odds of change? About the same as getting hit by lightning 7 times in a row on a sunny day.
sepsrate for a year. Let him find healing and sobriety... true recovery... or not.
peope treat us how we allow them to... sell the house if you must and move into a place where you can snuggle with those kids and enjoy the peace and serenity of alcohol free living... no drama! No angst! No anxiety.... you actually get used to it and seek it out.
hope for change but hedge your bets and create your own peaceful haven and start to enjoy every day with joy!
You can can do it... I did!
My father died alone in his addiction. My brother died in his addiction. My mother grieved herself to death. I don’t know who I resented more... my cruel sadistic father or my weak mother who was incapable of protecting us.
all of us kids were screwed up... we all had broken pickers and ended up with alcoholics and addicts so we could go “home” subconsciously and fix our families and find the love than abandoning absent alcoholic parent left in shambles.
i got divorced and raised my kids alone. He.. dad... never changed. Never kept promises. Never stopped using and died in his addiction.
The odds of change? About the same as getting hit by lightning 7 times in a row on a sunny day.
sepsrate for a year. Let him find healing and sobriety... true recovery... or not.
peope treat us how we allow them to... sell the house if you must and move into a place where you can snuggle with those kids and enjoy the peace and serenity of alcohol free living... no drama! No angst! No anxiety.... you actually get used to it and seek it out.
hope for change but hedge your bets and create your own peaceful haven and start to enjoy every day with joy!
You can can do it... I did!
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