My Mother Likes to See Me Unhappy
 

I just can't stand it!!! I just need to vent somewhere! My AH is not getting on my nerves now (he is in recovery and has his ups and downs and I'm hoping he keeps at recovery), but it is my mother (was and still is addicted and abuses prescription meds)! It seems like after I visit her or hang the phone up after talking to her I start to feel like an evil person and not a very good mother and that I was unworthy to be breathing everyone else's air. I just feel like a worthless piece of crap. She always has had the power over me to make me feel bad about myself, but I'm starting to really realize that I am giving her that power! Good grief, I'm 41 and I am still trying to please my mother like a little dancing poodle.

You know, maybe I'm not so mad at her, but I'm mad at myself. I always fall for the bait. Whenever I go over to her house I always tell myself not to mention my husband or to start complaining about anything. But she starts to dig as soon as I arrive and she seems to know what buttons make me react. She never lets up until she gets a reaction. Soon I am complaining about my life, alcoholic husband, house, etc, etc, etc. She then gets a weird attitude about her and starts in with her "I told you so" routine and the "your learning" speech like she is superior and knows more and is better then I am. She was extremely verbally, physically and emotionally abusive when I was growing up and has a selective memory about everything. In her mind she was perfect, me and my sister were worthless brats.

I need a kick in the pants before I go over to her house or call her to remind me not to get into the old complaining routine, but it's hard to pretend everything in my life is great. My kids love her a lot, but I have no feelings for her and she doesn't have feelings for me. She resented us (her actions spoke loud and so did her words) when we were growing up because she blames us for her having to stay with my dad until we grew up and then she felt she could leave. I believe she is still resentful and likes to hear that I am unhappy because she feels I need to be suffer for making her go through what she went through. When I do appear happy, she has to bring out the "big guns" and make me feel like I'm worthless and a waste of space. This all seems so sick to me, but she is sick and has been so for years.

I learned quite a long time ago that I dont like my parents actions or words very much........i didnt even know what detaching was at the time.......but I did that..not knowing......I think that the reason I was able to do it maybe a little easier........is that there is two hours between us........so their expectations of me were not as high as my other siblings.......It has enabled me to stay out of alot of family garb, because to the distance. I have a relationship with my parents.....but it will never be close........it is incapable of being close.......i tell them general things

I always thought that my mom... liked to see us fighting........that gave her something to talk about......This is something that i have learned about myself.........I dont like people who pretend to be concerned for someone else to get personal information for their own self gratification and to give them something to focus on and gossip about for the next week, or till something else better comes along......

I have learned not to tell my mother anything, or my siblings because they cant keep nothing to themselves......but if thats what they want to do, to tell and spread gossip I figure they are trying to give themselves self esteem boosts.......and that is why they are still gossiping, because they have learned unhealthy ways to make themselves feel better..

Next time try telling her how good you are doing on this program and maybe she should check it out. Or that you are learning but making progress. Or if you really want to shake her up just stop and say thank you mom for all the good things and leave it at that. (hint: make sure you can have a picture of a good thing she did in your mind before doing the last one). Answers like these will not solve the problem but they may start putting a positive spin on your conversation, and if you go prepared with answers that will give you some peace that may help.

My daughter gets me sometimes when I guess I'm harping on her. She just out of the blue says. Yes Mam. And just takes the wind out of my sail.

Then again maybe if you just slug her? Heeeee Heeee, sorry that was a bad joke.

B