Unbelievable
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Join Date: Jul 2019
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
Your post today is really touching Dazed. I completely get what you mean. It's not a want to it's a need to and that makes it so hard.
If they were completely horrible you could just flip them off and storm out the door (slamming it!). I guess we can be grateful that's not the case really. That has it's own set of anguish.
Your story reminded me of my first Husband. Fairly recently divorced I too got a flat tire, while out. Who did I call? Him, who else would I call lol - I didn't know anyone else who would help. He showed up quickly, fixed it up and I was good to go. I won't mention the time I let the radiator run dry and the car over-heated in rush hour traffic, or the time I let the radiator freeze.
My ex isn't a bad man, he is an angry man at his core and I had enough of being on the receiving end of that anger. I was scared and I married him at 19 so this was really jumping off a cliff.
We haven't talked for years, however to this day I would still call him if needed and he would still help (as I would help him if he needed me to) and yes I still have love for him and always will.
It's sad! But we work through it, things get brighter, you will feel better you will feel freer and safe you will get through this, so will he.
I too hope he seeks recovery eventually.
Your painting is beautiful!
If they were completely horrible you could just flip them off and storm out the door (slamming it!). I guess we can be grateful that's not the case really. That has it's own set of anguish.
Your story reminded me of my first Husband. Fairly recently divorced I too got a flat tire, while out. Who did I call? Him, who else would I call lol - I didn't know anyone else who would help. He showed up quickly, fixed it up and I was good to go. I won't mention the time I let the radiator run dry and the car over-heated in rush hour traffic, or the time I let the radiator freeze.
My ex isn't a bad man, he is an angry man at his core and I had enough of being on the receiving end of that anger. I was scared and I married him at 19 so this was really jumping off a cliff.
We haven't talked for years, however to this day I would still call him if needed and he would still help (as I would help him if he needed me to) and yes I still have love for him and always will.
It's sad! But we work through it, things get brighter, you will feel better you will feel freer and safe you will get through this, so will he.
I too hope he seeks recovery eventually.
Your painting is beautiful!
Sorry but it's the opposite. Your the one Who stayed, tried and bettered him. You deserve a million times more effort then he ever gave. You have so many more adventures and joy ahead of you now
so so there’s the love and loyalty for me from my kid. but its good to know trail, that perhaps my stbx and I can part with love. Thank you again.
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I mean he broke the windows! Police, ambulances, hospitals...what was I supposed to do??!!!?? Drunken tirades, naked walks, verbal abuse, emotional abandonment good god, how could I stay after that? I mean really?
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I had hope for so long, I gave chances....it escalated this time. It scared me. He just signed. Walked out. I had to pay the notary. Now he’s silent and I’m numb. I mean come on stay married and put everything at risk?? God help me.
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DC, of course this hurts. But look at what you wrote above--he did some really dangerous and unpredictable things in this last binge. Alcoholism is progressive.
You had to protect yourself, and you stood to lose a whole lot if he hit someone drunk, set your house on fire, got out of control and did something beyond verbal abuse to you. It happens, even when people "would never do that".
Keeping yourself safe is not being mean to someone else. Not keeping yourself safe is a great unkindness to you and your soul.
He had many chances to get sober with you and didn't take them seriously enough to follow through.
Now, by no longer being his unconditional safety net, you have given him the opportunity to get serious about recovery and stand on his own two feet and become the man he is capable of being.
I think you did the right thing for both of you.
He may finally really get it. And maybe down the road, when he has at least a year or maybe more, you can see if there is anything left to rebuild. But not now. Now you have to heal yourself, and he has to make the choice to pick up the recovery tools he's being offered, and to use them. Or not.
He is far more than his addiction, just as I am, or my mother was. But we have to do the work to get off the substances, quit using / hurting our loved ones, and step up to become our best selves.
I guess what I'm saying is you have acted with honor and respect. You treated him more than fairly in the settlement from what you've told us, and before that he had so many chances to stop before he destroyed the trust of the relationship.
This whole thing isn't out of the blue. He's simply stunned that his tactics didn't work this time. I suspect that is why he signed and left so quietly. And in the long run, it is as good for him as for you that your held your boundary and didn't give in. Things were getting more and more dysfunctional for both of you.
I hope you can take some comfort in that, though I know nothing can take that sharp dagger of loss your heart is contracting around right now. But time will work its slow magic, and like your beautiful avatar, you have deep roots and are reaching for the sky while the stars smile down unflinchingly on all our human joys and sorrows. You can always count on them.
Go outside tonight and visit the stars. Tell them your troubles. I do that all the time.
You had to protect yourself, and you stood to lose a whole lot if he hit someone drunk, set your house on fire, got out of control and did something beyond verbal abuse to you. It happens, even when people "would never do that".
Keeping yourself safe is not being mean to someone else. Not keeping yourself safe is a great unkindness to you and your soul.
He had many chances to get sober with you and didn't take them seriously enough to follow through.
Now, by no longer being his unconditional safety net, you have given him the opportunity to get serious about recovery and stand on his own two feet and become the man he is capable of being.
I think you did the right thing for both of you.
He may finally really get it. And maybe down the road, when he has at least a year or maybe more, you can see if there is anything left to rebuild. But not now. Now you have to heal yourself, and he has to make the choice to pick up the recovery tools he's being offered, and to use them. Or not.
He is far more than his addiction, just as I am, or my mother was. But we have to do the work to get off the substances, quit using / hurting our loved ones, and step up to become our best selves.
I guess what I'm saying is you have acted with honor and respect. You treated him more than fairly in the settlement from what you've told us, and before that he had so many chances to stop before he destroyed the trust of the relationship.
This whole thing isn't out of the blue. He's simply stunned that his tactics didn't work this time. I suspect that is why he signed and left so quietly. And in the long run, it is as good for him as for you that your held your boundary and didn't give in. Things were getting more and more dysfunctional for both of you.
I hope you can take some comfort in that, though I know nothing can take that sharp dagger of loss your heart is contracting around right now. But time will work its slow magic, and like your beautiful avatar, you have deep roots and are reaching for the sky while the stars smile down unflinchingly on all our human joys and sorrows. You can always count on them.
Go outside tonight and visit the stars. Tell them your troubles. I do that all the time.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
DC, of course this hurts. But look at what you wrote above--he did some really dangerous and unpredictable things in this last binge. Alcoholism is progressive.
You had to protect yourself, and you stood to lose a whole lot if he hit someone drunk, set your house on fire, got out of control and did something beyond verbal abuse to you. It happens, even when people "would never do that".
Keeping yourself safe is not being mean to someone else. Not keeping yourself safe is a great unkindness to you and your soul.
He had many chances to get sober with you and didn't take them seriously enough to follow through.
Now, by no longer being his unconditional safety net, you have given him the opportunity to get serious about recovery and stand on his own two feet and become the man he is capable of being.
I think you did the right thing for both of you.
He may finally really get it. And maybe down the road, when he has at least a year or maybe more, you can see if there is anything left to rebuild. But not now. Now you have to heal yourself, and he has to make the choice to pick up the recovery tools he's being offered, and to use them. Or not.
He is far more than his addiction, just as I am, or my mother was. But we have to do the work to get off the substances, quit using / hurting our loved ones, and step up to become our best selves.
I guess what I'm saying is you have acted with honor and respect. You treated him more than fairly in the settlement from what you've told us, and before that he had so many chances to stop before he destroyed the trust of the relationship.
This whole thing isn't out of the blue. He's simply stunned that his tactics didn't work this time. I suspect that is why he signed and left so quietly. And in the long run, it is as good for him as for you that your held your boundary and didn't give in. Things were getting more and more dysfunctional for both of you.
I hope you can take some comfort in that, though I know nothing can take that sharp dagger of loss your heart is contracting around right now. But time will work its slow magic, and like your beautiful avatar, you have deep roots and are reaching for the sky while the stars smile down unflinchingly on all our human joys and sorrows. You can always count on them.
Go outside tonight and visit the stars. Tell them your troubles. I do that all the time.
You had to protect yourself, and you stood to lose a whole lot if he hit someone drunk, set your house on fire, got out of control and did something beyond verbal abuse to you. It happens, even when people "would never do that".
Keeping yourself safe is not being mean to someone else. Not keeping yourself safe is a great unkindness to you and your soul.
He had many chances to get sober with you and didn't take them seriously enough to follow through.
Now, by no longer being his unconditional safety net, you have given him the opportunity to get serious about recovery and stand on his own two feet and become the man he is capable of being.
I think you did the right thing for both of you.
He may finally really get it. And maybe down the road, when he has at least a year or maybe more, you can see if there is anything left to rebuild. But not now. Now you have to heal yourself, and he has to make the choice to pick up the recovery tools he's being offered, and to use them. Or not.
He is far more than his addiction, just as I am, or my mother was. But we have to do the work to get off the substances, quit using / hurting our loved ones, and step up to become our best selves.
I guess what I'm saying is you have acted with honor and respect. You treated him more than fairly in the settlement from what you've told us, and before that he had so many chances to stop before he destroyed the trust of the relationship.
This whole thing isn't out of the blue. He's simply stunned that his tactics didn't work this time. I suspect that is why he signed and left so quietly. And in the long run, it is as good for him as for you that your held your boundary and didn't give in. Things were getting more and more dysfunctional for both of you.
I hope you can take some comfort in that, though I know nothing can take that sharp dagger of loss your heart is contracting around right now. But time will work its slow magic, and like your beautiful avatar, you have deep roots and are reaching for the sky while the stars smile down unflinchingly on all our human joys and sorrows. You can always count on them.
Go outside tonight and visit the stars. Tell them your troubles. I do that all the time.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Well, at least that is done. You are moving forward, small steps and I'm sure it seems like years since you started all this, but it's moving along.
Shortly he will move out and that will be hurtful, prepare for it, perhaps make plans to be somewhere else. If that can't happen, then just stay in your own room for the day perhaps. Get magazines and your laptop or phone and watch movies and talk on the phone, go out for meals.
You might want to keep this in mind:
"Addiction is often said to be a disease of denial but it is also a disease of regret. When the addictive process has lasted long enough and penetrated deeply enough into the life and mind of the addict, the empty space left by the losses caused by progressive, destructive addiction is filled up with regrets, if-onlys and could-have-beens. In early addiction the addict tends to live in the future; in middle and late addiction he begins to dwell more and more in the past. And it is usually an unhappy, bitterly regretted past".
Don't let him drag you back down memory lane. He has regrets, he has anger he is dwelling on "if only" and "could have beens".
Unfortunately they are probably something like - if only she could have accepted my drinking if only she could have been nicer about it.
Never forget what you are dealing with here. Yes, a human being but one fully integrated in to addiction, not the man you once knew. You are moving forward, you don't want to be part of his "if only"?
Shortly he will move out and that will be hurtful, prepare for it, perhaps make plans to be somewhere else. If that can't happen, then just stay in your own room for the day perhaps. Get magazines and your laptop or phone and watch movies and talk on the phone, go out for meals.
You might want to keep this in mind:
"Addiction is often said to be a disease of denial but it is also a disease of regret. When the addictive process has lasted long enough and penetrated deeply enough into the life and mind of the addict, the empty space left by the losses caused by progressive, destructive addiction is filled up with regrets, if-onlys and could-have-beens. In early addiction the addict tends to live in the future; in middle and late addiction he begins to dwell more and more in the past. And it is usually an unhappy, bitterly regretted past".
Don't let him drag you back down memory lane. He has regrets, he has anger he is dwelling on "if only" and "could have beens".
Unfortunately they are probably something like - if only she could have accepted my drinking if only she could have been nicer about it.
Never forget what you are dealing with here. Yes, a human being but one fully integrated in to addiction, not the man you once knew. You are moving forward, you don't want to be part of his "if only"?
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by trailmix
Well, at least that is done. You are moving forward, small steps and I'm sure it seems like years since you started all this, but it's moving along.
Shortly he will move out and that will be hurtful, prepare for it, perhaps make plans to be somewhere else. If that can't happen, then just stay in your own room for the day perhaps. Get magazines and your laptop or phone and watch movies and talk on the phone, go out for meals.
You might want to keep this in mind:
"Addiction is often said to be a disease of denial but it is also a disease of regret. When the addictive process has lasted long enough and penetrated deeply enough into the life and mind of the addict, the empty space left by the losses caused by progressive, destructive addiction is filled up with regrets, if-onlys and could-have-beens. In early addiction the addict tends to live in the future; in middle and late addiction he begins to dwell more and more in the past. And it is usually an unhappy, bitterly regretted past".
Don't let him drag you back down memory lane. He has regrets, he has anger he is dwelling on "if only" and "could have beens".
Unfortunately they are probably something like - if only she could have accepted my drinking if only she could have been nicer about it.
Never forget what you are dealing with here. Yes, a human being but one fully integrated in to addiction, not the man you once knew. You are moving forward, you don't want to be part of his "if only"?
Shortly he will move out and that will be hurtful, prepare for it, perhaps make plans to be somewhere else. If that can't happen, then just stay in your own room for the day perhaps. Get magazines and your laptop or phone and watch movies and talk on the phone, go out for meals.
You might want to keep this in mind:
"Addiction is often said to be a disease of denial but it is also a disease of regret. When the addictive process has lasted long enough and penetrated deeply enough into the life and mind of the addict, the empty space left by the losses caused by progressive, destructive addiction is filled up with regrets, if-onlys and could-have-beens. In early addiction the addict tends to live in the future; in middle and late addiction he begins to dwell more and more in the past. And it is usually an unhappy, bitterly regretted past".
Don't let him drag you back down memory lane. He has regrets, he has anger he is dwelling on "if only" and "could have beens".
Unfortunately they are probably something like - if only she could have accepted my drinking if only she could have been nicer about it.
Never forget what you are dealing with here. Yes, a human being but one fully integrated in to addiction, not the man you once knew. You are moving forward, you don't want to be part of his "if only"?
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His go to just yesterday or the day before was to threaten to drink again. I cannot imagin a worse threat after all you have been through. It seem he is having a very hard time understanding all his actions have put you through. I had a hard time with this with my XAH. He would not remember things the next day, so it's like he expected me not to remember or react either. It's insane.
Time to get him out of the house and focus on YOU. You will grieve your marriage, but you will come out the other side a stronger person focus on taking good care of yourself.
Big hugs.
Time to get him out of the house and focus on YOU. You will grieve your marriage, but you will come out the other side a stronger person focus on taking good care of yourself.
Big hugs.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
His go to just yesterday or the day before was to threaten to drink again. I cannot imagin a worse threat after all you have been through. It seem he is having a very hard time understanding all his actions have put you through. I had a hard time with this with my XAH. He would not remember things the next day, so it's like he expected me not to remember or react either. It's insane.
Time to get him out of the house and focus on YOU. You will grieve your marriage, but you will come out the other side a stronger person focus on taking good care of yourself.
Big hugs.
Time to get him out of the house and focus on YOU. You will grieve your marriage, but you will come out the other side a stronger person focus on taking good care of yourself.
Big hugs.
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Location: Western US
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Signing those papers seems so huge. I wish there was a correct thing to say something between condolences and congratulations. Even "sorry for you loss" seems to apply . . . .sort of.
Embrace the grieving as best you can. Not fun. Whatever you feel is exactly what you should be feeling.
Big hug to you Dazed.
Embrace the grieving as best you can. Not fun. Whatever you feel is exactly what you should be feeling.
Big hug to you Dazed.
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Signing those papers seems so huge. I wish there was a correct thing to say something between condolences and congratulations. Even "sorry for you loss" seems to apply . . . .sort of.
Embrace the grieving as best you can. Not fun. Whatever you feel is exactly what you should be feeling.
Big hug to you Dazed.
Embrace the grieving as best you can. Not fun. Whatever you feel is exactly what you should be feeling.
Big hug to you Dazed.
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Hi DC
Just checking in. I drove down to lake lake house today and have been offline.
Hope things are peaceful.
Just checking in. I drove down to lake lake house today and have been offline.
Hope things are peaceful.
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