A good friend and coworker who had been sober for a very long time, years, just started drinking again about a month ago. She’s in crisis right now, going through a separation and working a high pressure job. I have been texting with her and talking and checking in almost every day. Yesterday I became the most worried about her because her energy was so dark and she has told me she doesn’t know what to do about her drinking right now. I woke up this morning and told her I’m worried. I told her I’m concerned that some of the friends she’s spending time with are toxic people I’ve had some bad experiences with. I know she is vulnerable right now and I don’t like to see their apathy about her drinking and that they have so much of her trust right now. I also told her I know it’s not my right to tell her who to get positive feedback from right now because I know she really needs people. But that I’m worried nonetheless.
she told me I scared her and that she was on her way to work. She is trying so hard right now to just keep it together. I’m so worried I might have triggered her badly today before work and that she will feel like I am judging her.
I have referred her to this site and to meetings, because I KNOW I’m not qualified to truly help. But watching someone just hand her a drink last night really upset me. And I’m not the kind of friend who just backs away instead of saying something. These people have been the source of so much toxicity for me and many others that I know and I hate watching her go into the fold. I know her choices are hers and not mine or theirs. I feel like I’ve done something horribly wrong.

I should have just come here first before I said anything to her. I should have gone to AlAnon. I should have more education on how to talk to someone in this place. I have been in this exact same situation in the past and am so grateful to those who were real with me. I know she might not want me around for a while after this. I do not want my selfishness in loving my friend to stop me from being real with her. I hope I didn’t do further damage.

Thank you dandylion. I certainly care about her more than looking like a jerk. I feel like she is spiraling and not listening to advice. But still feels she needs help. I guess I literally did all I could do in just telling her. :/

Thank you Mango. These are all good ideas.

i would totally go to the doctor with her. She’s lost a ton of weight and is not sleeping and is depressed. I feel like a huge rube (trying not to swear here) just watching her like this

Hi Anvil wow thanks for showing me that post.... it reminds me that I wasn’t crazy in ending that friendship years ago.

no it isn’t the same friend. It’s a very different situation. This friend has relapsed after about a decade of sobriety. I had never seen this side of her before. She’s a wonderful person and a really good friend. In no way does she spit venom or remain in denial to that extent. I think it’s easy to see patterns when there are just a couple similar sounding examples. Thank you for your heads up though

For the purposes of this situation I think it’s important to realize there’s a crisis and an actual cry for help.

She’s just texted me that her wife is staying somewhere else and she’s afraid to be alone. And I have to work all night. I wish there was another trusted friend who would be there and not just hand her martinis. I feel like it’s really important that she just get through the night though and she might have to call one of those toxic people

Unfortunately I’ve had a lot of close relationships with people in crisis. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t. We are often alone in this world (no family, past addictions, lots of trauma). We need a community that understands and can support

Anvil, I have redirected her. The ball is in her court. It’s upsetting nonetheless, as she is spiraling and also ping-ponging between needing people and “doing this herself.”

Frankly, I really appreciate your input. I’m grateful for your references. You don’t know me but if you did, rest assured you’d know that I am a sincere person. In the same breath of sincerity, I don’t need any more of your input. Take care.

Y’all. I got an update from my friend. I wish the feeling of relief was less complicated. My biggest fear was that she’d be alone tonight. While I am not a big supporter of her marriage, her wife did decide to stay tonight. It seems serendipitous. Only because I truly felt her life was at stake tonight. It was down to the point that if anyone at all was there, it would keep her alive. She will be leaving permanently in two weeks. I know my friend is looking forward to that time. But tonight was a matter of depression. I’m thankful she had a presence and a witness there tonight. Even if she wasn’t being comforted.

All I needed today was a place to vent my concerns for another person. I won’t get entwined in a discussion about whether I should care about other people this much or not. Because I do and that is not a choice. Thank you for reading me and understanding.

Thank you, Mango. I reiterated that I thought she should find a meeting tonight right after work. I told her that no one can tell her to God, no one can make her have a sponsor, but if she can get that 1 hour of empathy and even just one phone number....

Because, as I told my SO this afternoon, I’m not qualified and neither are any of our friends. I wish I was. But what do I do about someone who swats away every option presented to them. I’ve seen too many people die.