Worried about my friend
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 319
Was the friend sober, staying abstinent from alcohol on her own, or was she doing it with the help of some kind of support system (AA, a therapist)?
I think in situations like this (and I’ve been in them too), you can offer the person help to find help if they need that. But I’m guessing if she had 10 years sobriety under her belt, she probably knows what she needs to do. Frustrating as it is to see a person relapsing, people are going to do what they are going to do.
With this is mind, a rule of thumb that I use that works for me, is I might have a conversation with someone once about my concerns, but if I get roadblocked, glossed over, “yes but-ed” (yes that’s a great idea, but I can’t do that because x,y, z), then I don’t keep going back with more suggestions, because all that does is frustrate me, and the person is going to do what they are going to do regardless. And I don’t know your friend’s pattern when she relapses, but I’d also keep an eye out for putting more worry and effort into her relapse than she is putting effort into getting back on the wagon. That’s a sure way to make yourself crazy (and doesn’t help the friend anyways).
Best wishes to you and your friend, hope she finds her way out soon.
I think in situations like this (and I’ve been in them too), you can offer the person help to find help if they need that. But I’m guessing if she had 10 years sobriety under her belt, she probably knows what she needs to do. Frustrating as it is to see a person relapsing, people are going to do what they are going to do.
With this is mind, a rule of thumb that I use that works for me, is I might have a conversation with someone once about my concerns, but if I get roadblocked, glossed over, “yes but-ed” (yes that’s a great idea, but I can’t do that because x,y, z), then I don’t keep going back with more suggestions, because all that does is frustrate me, and the person is going to do what they are going to do regardless. And I don’t know your friend’s pattern when she relapses, but I’d also keep an eye out for putting more worry and effort into her relapse than she is putting effort into getting back on the wagon. That’s a sure way to make yourself crazy (and doesn’t help the friend anyways).
Best wishes to you and your friend, hope she finds her way out soon.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Viewpoints can change. As I pause and step back from learned response dynamics it's almost like learning new cooking techniques with unfamiliar ingredients. They can be fun and taste amazing, it's simply something new.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I hope your friend has decided she is worth the effort at sobriety again, plenny. Perhaps she will join the Newcomers community here and get some much-needed support--especially since, as you say, she has a stressful, hectic job.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,733
Dropsie and Sortof, thank you. It’s ok to care about other people! Sheesh.
pdm, she started on AA in the beginning, but really doesn’t like it and did the rest of her sober decade mainly ensconced in a very codependent marriage. The wife is sober too, same amount of time. I AM frustrated and after I told her some of her new friends are toxic she said “I’m going to do this on my own!” I told her we both know that’s a recipe for disaster. She needs SOMETHING. Because she is acting like she doesn’t know what to do like there are NO options in the world. Swatting away everything she knows and everything people tell her. I mean if she wants to be a train wreck I can’t do anything about that!
Since I’ve only known her for 4 years, I only know her sober. The things alcohol has already done to her brain are really strange to watch. She is chemically very different now. She’s not thinking clearly at all
It sucks! I might need to back away
pdm, she started on AA in the beginning, but really doesn’t like it and did the rest of her sober decade mainly ensconced in a very codependent marriage. The wife is sober too, same amount of time. I AM frustrated and after I told her some of her new friends are toxic she said “I’m going to do this on my own!” I told her we both know that’s a recipe for disaster. She needs SOMETHING. Because she is acting like she doesn’t know what to do like there are NO options in the world. Swatting away everything she knows and everything people tell her. I mean if she wants to be a train wreck I can’t do anything about that!
Since I’ve only known her for 4 years, I only know her sober. The things alcohol has already done to her brain are really strange to watch. She is chemically very different now. She’s not thinking clearly at all
It sucks! I might need to back away
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
