Broke up with my girlfriend... AGAIN.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Reading your story... & so many of your thoughts... resembled what WAS my existence. Oh did my ex girlfriend drink... and drink. But finally after so many years... leaving & returning, I started to see the entire situation with more clarity. I started to see things very differently. I then started to resent everything. It’s such a toxic rollercoaster... both the relationship & how you view yourself. I, too was angry for accepting my ex’s manipulation and disgusting traits. Looking back now I can’t believe I survived all that I did. For me, it was trauma.
Be kind to yourself. Forgive... and take baby steps (when you’re ready) forward. “Normal” life and relationships do feel very boring at first... ha! But boring quickly becomes comforting! Trust me! A life without chaos is such a beautiful existence! You’ll get there, if you want to.
Glad you posted again! We’re here for you. We’ve all been there.
Be kind to yourself. Forgive... and take baby steps (when you’re ready) forward. “Normal” life and relationships do feel very boring at first... ha! But boring quickly becomes comforting! Trust me! A life without chaos is such a beautiful existence! You’ll get there, if you want to.
Glad you posted again! We’re here for you. We’ve all been there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
Yes, I will be here to stay this time! I actually felt like I was betraying her in a way by posting here so the guilt would keep me away.
I haven't actually talked much about myself but I'm a pretty introverted guy. I get exhausted being "on" all the time. That was part of the nightmare of this relationship. I was always struggling to find moments of peace and quiet where I could recharge. You could pretty much forget about ever having had the space to write music or be creative. It feels eerie because I haven't experienced this sort of space in almost 2 years. I wake up, and it's just quiet...
She, on the other hand, was bored by any lack of activity. She didn't have a limit. We live separately and she was completely incapable of occupying her time alone. She would always complain that she was having to sit around as if it was my responsibility to keep her stimulated even when we were apart. She would try to stay on the phone indefinitely even if we had nothing to talk about. She needed me to be invested in absolutely every minutia in her life. It became impossible for me to care about things in her life I would normally want to care about.
Trailmix, it's funny you mention doing all those activities because I've been fantasizing about that kind of stuff lately. I had a pretty scary realization not too long that I completely stopped living my own life and doing basic things that used to bring me joy. Those memories seemed like a past life.
I couldn't describe this experience better than a toxic rollercoaster. In my case, this thing went round and round on a daily basis - with a full blown crash every month. I don't think we ever went more than a couple of days without arguing about something. She doesn't have any kind of measured response to a problem and would lose her temper over anything.
In the meantime, I've been working and trying to take care of basic responsibilities. I work from home mostly so I haven't had to get out. I'm going to make an effort to do that soon though.
I haven't actually talked much about myself but I'm a pretty introverted guy. I get exhausted being "on" all the time. That was part of the nightmare of this relationship. I was always struggling to find moments of peace and quiet where I could recharge. You could pretty much forget about ever having had the space to write music or be creative. It feels eerie because I haven't experienced this sort of space in almost 2 years. I wake up, and it's just quiet...
She, on the other hand, was bored by any lack of activity. She didn't have a limit. We live separately and she was completely incapable of occupying her time alone. She would always complain that she was having to sit around as if it was my responsibility to keep her stimulated even when we were apart. She would try to stay on the phone indefinitely even if we had nothing to talk about. She needed me to be invested in absolutely every minutia in her life. It became impossible for me to care about things in her life I would normally want to care about.
Trailmix, it's funny you mention doing all those activities because I've been fantasizing about that kind of stuff lately. I had a pretty scary realization not too long that I completely stopped living my own life and doing basic things that used to bring me joy. Those memories seemed like a past life.
I couldn't describe this experience better than a toxic rollercoaster. In my case, this thing went round and round on a daily basis - with a full blown crash every month. I don't think we ever went more than a couple of days without arguing about something. She doesn't have any kind of measured response to a problem and would lose her temper over anything.
In the meantime, I've been working and trying to take care of basic responsibilities. I work from home mostly so I haven't had to get out. I'm going to make an effort to do that soon though.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
I completely understand - been there.
I'm basically an introvert too - well maybe 50/50 but I also find socializing draining, I like it in the moment but then I have to be quiet. I don't think of it as a bad thing, it's just me and that's ok.
If I don't allow for that though I get drained and I'm not a happy camper, I'm sure you can relate.
I understand about the betrayal thing too, I've felt that about sharing things with others, even someone I'm really close to. I have learned that keeping everything mostly within isn't really good for me though. If I'm doing that I'm only getting my perspective. Don't get me wrong, I like my perspective lol - but sometimes sharing can give different perspectives and I like that more. I like input.
I don't see it as a betrayal anymore.
As an example, I never even discussed deciding to divorce my first Husband with anyone. I told him then I called my couple of closest confidantes and just told them.
Ok so if you are an introvert, all those small things you used to enjoy will become enjoyable again, yes, when you are ready get back to doing that, it will lift you up, absolutely.
I find, for me, if I'm feeling down, even getting in my car after work and going and buying an ice cream or grabbing dinner makes me happier. Now that could be the food lol - but really just being out in the world.
Ok I'm typing too much here but if you live in an urban center or near one you might want to check out Meetup - every kind of meetup you can think of. When I was looking to make social connections a few years ago I did just that. I had a blast with the people I met - because we all enjoyed the meetup theme (live music) and they were nice people. But they have everything from board game night to hiking etc etc.
Yes, it's hard to walk in the first time, after that it's not so much at all.
I'm basically an introvert too - well maybe 50/50 but I also find socializing draining, I like it in the moment but then I have to be quiet. I don't think of it as a bad thing, it's just me and that's ok.
If I don't allow for that though I get drained and I'm not a happy camper, I'm sure you can relate.
I understand about the betrayal thing too, I've felt that about sharing things with others, even someone I'm really close to. I have learned that keeping everything mostly within isn't really good for me though. If I'm doing that I'm only getting my perspective. Don't get me wrong, I like my perspective lol - but sometimes sharing can give different perspectives and I like that more. I like input.
I don't see it as a betrayal anymore.
As an example, I never even discussed deciding to divorce my first Husband with anyone. I told him then I called my couple of closest confidantes and just told them.
Ok so if you are an introvert, all those small things you used to enjoy will become enjoyable again, yes, when you are ready get back to doing that, it will lift you up, absolutely.
I find, for me, if I'm feeling down, even getting in my car after work and going and buying an ice cream or grabbing dinner makes me happier. Now that could be the food lol - but really just being out in the world.
Ok I'm typing too much here but if you live in an urban center or near one you might want to check out Meetup - every kind of meetup you can think of. When I was looking to make social connections a few years ago I did just that. I had a blast with the people I met - because we all enjoyed the meetup theme (live music) and they were nice people. But they have everything from board game night to hiking etc etc.
Yes, it's hard to walk in the first time, after that it's not so much at all.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
haven't actually talked much about myself but I'm a pretty introverted guy. I get exhausted being "on" all the time. That was part of the nightmare of this relationship. I was always struggling to find moments of peace and quiet where I could recharge. You could pretty much forget about ever having had the space to write music or be creative. It feels eerie because I haven't experienced this sort of space in almost 2 years. I wake up, and it's just quiet...
She, on the other hand, was bored by any lack of activity. She didn't have a limit. We live separately and she was completely incapable of occupying her time alone. She would always complain that she was having to sit around as if it was my responsibility to keep her stimulated even when we were apart. She would try to stay on the phone indefinitely even if we had nothing to talk about. She needed me to be invested in absolutely every minutia in her life. It became impossible for me to care about things in her life I would normally want to care about.
She, on the other hand, was bored by any lack of activity. She didn't have a limit. We live separately and she was completely incapable of occupying her time alone. She would always complain that she was having to sit around as if it was my responsibility to keep her stimulated even when we were apart. She would try to stay on the phone indefinitely even if we had nothing to talk about. She needed me to be invested in absolutely every minutia in her life. It became impossible for me to care about things in her life I would normally want to care about.
It was a revelation when I met my now-husband. I realized he was the one when we stayed in one night and cooked dinner. There was no fear of missing out. We listened to music on the radio, talked, and played a board game. It was heaven.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by jjwinters 
I've never quite felt under a spell like this. I actually find myself questioning if someone that has to drink every day, at every occasion, often in excess, gets angry when alcohol isn't available, disappears when they drink out of town, is verbally abusive when they drink, can't stop drinking, purposely doesn't eat so they get more drunk, has to buy liquor on the way home from already drinking, drinks by themselves, tries to force me to drink, if we have time in a random location will get a drink, has driven drunk, the list goes on and on ---- is an alcoholic.
I also felt a little guilt posting about him here, thinking if he every read all of my posts, he would figure out it was us- great, it doesn't matter. If he every found SR, I think that would be the dawn of a new day for him, but I am no longer expecting/ hoping that dawn will ever happen.
I guess all I want to share is that I am realizing it will get better an easier with each day. 2 weeks ago I was so devastated and couldn't stop crying. And today I am starting to feel liberated and realize how much of my life and attention to my work I have put on hold due to the chaotic roller coaster and narcissistic behavior I was dealing with. That is not ok. I am experiencing more anger and shock (from such toxic and abusive behavior) coming in.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
I think the problem with people who are extremely controlling, is they genuinely believe they are not controlling. Your xABF indeed sounds just like my x. They don't realize their anger is control. It becomes so traumatizing to deal with that you give up doing anything that might set them off.
I don't hang out with any of my closest friends any more. I used to get annoyed with how many friends would reach out to me. Now, I hear from no one because they've given up.
My x wants me to take her side on imaginary conflicts with my friends. She thinks they're all treating her badly when they've been nothing but polite and try to engage with her. It's a level of insecurity I have never witnessed. How someone could be so threatened by a 100% loyal partner's friends? I don't party. I've never put her in a situation that would ever make her worry about what I'm doing. And none of my girl-friends act inappropriately towards me.
It's all a way to isolate and control. She needs ALL of me. God forbid I actually say something nice about one of my friends or congratulate them on an accomplishment. All of these things were triggers with her.
PuzzledHeart, I am very happy to hear you found the right person! That truly sounds like a dream date.
Bluelight44, I am right there with you and wish you the strength to continue healing from this. That's terrifying to find an empty bottle inside the car. That kind of thing doesn't happen once...
I don't hang out with any of my closest friends any more. I used to get annoyed with how many friends would reach out to me. Now, I hear from no one because they've given up.
My x wants me to take her side on imaginary conflicts with my friends. She thinks they're all treating her badly when they've been nothing but polite and try to engage with her. It's a level of insecurity I have never witnessed. How someone could be so threatened by a 100% loyal partner's friends? I don't party. I've never put her in a situation that would ever make her worry about what I'm doing. And none of my girl-friends act inappropriately towards me.
It's all a way to isolate and control. She needs ALL of me. God forbid I actually say something nice about one of my friends or congratulate them on an accomplishment. All of these things were triggers with her.
PuzzledHeart, I am very happy to hear you found the right person! That truly sounds like a dream date.
Bluelight44, I am right there with you and wish you the strength to continue healing from this. That's terrifying to find an empty bottle inside the car. That kind of thing doesn't happen once...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
We actually sound very similar Trailmix! Stepping out to pick up some good food never hurts.
I like being social but I also get to a point where I have to retreat. I love having that quiet time at home with my dog and not having to engage with someone. I generally like to have a healthy balance of everything.
I also tend to make decisions mostly on my own. I am trying to have a healthier approach to that and seeking some perspective from others.
I like being social but I also get to a point where I have to retreat. I love having that quiet time at home with my dog and not having to engage with someone. I generally like to have a healthy balance of everything.
I also tend to make decisions mostly on my own. I am trying to have a healthier approach to that and seeking some perspective from others.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Another introvert here. I also found the constant need for attention and to be doing things way too much for me.
For years I was the Entertainments Manager for my marriage with AH.
I then resigned from the role, at first AH bucked against it but in time he came to love not having to race around constantly doing, doing, doing!
I love that I am an introvert. A fabulous lifestyle.
For years I was the Entertainments Manager for my marriage with AH.
I then resigned from the role, at first AH bucked against it but in time he came to love not having to race around constantly doing, doing, doing!
I love that I am an introvert. A fabulous lifestyle.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by trailmix
Don't pile things up. I broke up with my g/f, my job isn't progressing as I want it to, it's been raining all week, my car is leaking oil.
Going to check the forecast now for rain!
Trying to have a sense of humor about this but I'm truly getting my arse kicked this year.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,981
Originally Posted by jjwinters
My oil pump exploded and completely destroyed the engine. The whole thing has to be rebuilt or replaced. This just put me in a massive financial hole.
.
.
Just get through each day the best you can.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
I really appreciate the support everyone.
Unfortunately, I really have no choice but to fix it. It's a 68' camaro that I've been working on for years. It has a very custom engine and would be severely devalued if I replaced it with something else. It's a really unimaginable thing to have happened. It feels like I'm living in a bad indie drama lately! I cannot begin to describe how crazy this year has been.
Just to add insult to injury, I just took the car in to the shop to have some repairs done. After only 2 drives, this happens...
I think this is just one of those moments in life where everything just falls apart and you have to see what you're really made of. What's done is done and you can only pick yourself up and push forward.
Unfortunately, I really have no choice but to fix it. It's a 68' camaro that I've been working on for years. It has a very custom engine and would be severely devalued if I replaced it with something else. It's a really unimaginable thing to have happened. It feels like I'm living in a bad indie drama lately! I cannot begin to describe how crazy this year has been.
Just to add insult to injury, I just took the car in to the shop to have some repairs done. After only 2 drives, this happens...
I think this is just one of those moments in life where everything just falls apart and you have to see what you're really made of. What's done is done and you can only pick yourself up and push forward.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,981
Yeah, scorching hot here too . . .ugh.
I'm not a big follower of astrology but there is some concept that when Mercury is in retrograde, everything falls apart . . . thinking this can make me feel better as I feel it will all improve with time if I just keep my head down.
I'm not a big follower of astrology but there is some concept that when Mercury is in retrograde, everything falls apart . . . thinking this can make me feel better as I feel it will all improve with time if I just keep my head down.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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jj…..you are making me think about the footage from Cuba....where people hae all of those wonderful looking cars from the 60's....that are shiny as a new penny...and, they keep them repaired, themselves, and, drive them all of the time....(they have no other choice, there)……
As they say..."Necessity is the Mother of...…………"
As they say..."Necessity is the Mother of...…………"
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
Looks like Mercury isn't missing any stops on this retrograde!
I do think there's a better life for all of us. It's so easy to give in to fear though. I've been having such a hard time not reaching for the same reasons people post on here a million times. Our good nature makes us feel like we're abandoning someone or giving up on some one that "could be the one." It is a blessing in many ways to be loved by someone and that's just plain hard to push away.
I met up with a couple of friends last night as they asked me to MC their wedding this weekend. It was the firs time I had socialized with anyone since this happened and I just felt like I could cry at any moment. I just feel raw and broken.
I know I have to stay the course though. I hope everyone else has the strength to do the same. .
I do think there's a better life for all of us. It's so easy to give in to fear though. I've been having such a hard time not reaching for the same reasons people post on here a million times. Our good nature makes us feel like we're abandoning someone or giving up on some one that "could be the one." It is a blessing in many ways to be loved by someone and that's just plain hard to push away.
I met up with a couple of friends last night as they asked me to MC their wedding this weekend. It was the firs time I had socialized with anyone since this happened and I just felt like I could cry at any moment. I just feel raw and broken.
I know I have to stay the course though. I hope everyone else has the strength to do the same. .
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