What more will it take? Where is Rock Bottom??
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Anyone who can run a farm can do anything.
A couple of ideas:
1) Talk to your parents and get their support. Sounds like they’d be thrilled to help you get your life back.
2) Call a domestic abuse hotline and see what resources they have to help you evaluate your rights and options.
3) Talk to an attorney about how to evict him legally.
Given what you’ve told us and I suspect what you haven’t, IMHO you should NOT be involved in helping him find detox assistance or anything else. Has he given you any indication that he is even considering stopping? Even if he has, it’s not your responsibility to educate him. His doctors have tried.
This is only my thought, but given that the goal here is to get him gone, maybe don’t even bring up the alcoholism with him. It’s just going to trigger a huge defensive and nasty response. “Our relationship has run it course and we’re not good together anymore, so you need to leave.” Then if you can afford it and with your lawyer’s okay, sign over that car if he’ll leave.
Offering him the chance to drink without interruption and not lift a finger to do anything else just might work, yes?
Be safe, above all.
A couple of ideas:
1) Talk to your parents and get their support. Sounds like they’d be thrilled to help you get your life back.
2) Call a domestic abuse hotline and see what resources they have to help you evaluate your rights and options.
3) Talk to an attorney about how to evict him legally.
Given what you’ve told us and I suspect what you haven’t, IMHO you should NOT be involved in helping him find detox assistance or anything else. Has he given you any indication that he is even considering stopping? Even if he has, it’s not your responsibility to educate him. His doctors have tried.
This is only my thought, but given that the goal here is to get him gone, maybe don’t even bring up the alcoholism with him. It’s just going to trigger a huge defensive and nasty response. “Our relationship has run it course and we’re not good together anymore, so you need to leave.” Then if you can afford it and with your lawyer’s okay, sign over that car if he’ll leave.
Offering him the chance to drink without interruption and not lift a finger to do anything else just might work, yes?
Be safe, above all.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Originally Posted by Lost4Now 
I think sharing everything I’ve shared has really helped show me how pathetic it truly is. No one knows the extent I’ve shared. I don’t share it. I think I might maybe try seeking a counselor as well, bc I am not happy. I don’t think I have been for sometime now.
.....
Any tips on how to deal/manage in the meantime? [/left]
.....
Any tips on how to deal/manage in the meantime? [/left]
If in just one day of sharing with us, you feel this much better... just imagine how much better it can be if you reach out to everyone who wants to support you.
Stay safe. And keep talking with us! *hugs*
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by dawnrising
I left at 46, I get it. Since you are the sole provider imagine the people you could hire on an 18-24 cans/day budget to do the things you cannot physically do. BTW I lost 35 lbs not even trying after leaving, you cannot discount the stress your body is under right now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Ohio
Posts: 46
No he has no goal or plan to stop. I’d say yes, if I believed him, bc he will say things like ... I’ll “cut back” on or after this date. That date has been being said since he was diagnosed with heart failure back in March. It keeps getting pushed back, now he’s saying October. He refuses any help from detox centers. I’ve tried to offer covering this cost. Every time he makes an excuse typically blaming me somehow for either not quitting or drinking the amount he does. It’s always my fault, usually he bases it on my eating - says if I stop eating, he will stop drinking. I don’t even eat that much, usually 1-2 meals a day and they aren’t big meals, average size. Coke was my issue, I drank a lot of Coke, but I gave those up a couple weeks ago.
I’m not even trying to get him to stop drinking. I quit trying months ago. When I saw him continue down this path, and continued having heart problems after being told what he needed to do, his doctor and nurse told me “it’s up to him now, nothing we/you can say will help him stop, it has to be him” That was the day I stopped trying. I told him a month or so ago, if he quits he can’t stay here while he does - that I’m not trained and that I don’t have the mindset anymore to help with it. He now blames me for that, but I can’t be responsible for the dangers of detox. Their is very little I would know how to do to save his life, and we are in a very rural area and it could take 911 a while to get here.
I was able to get my papers back, that’s good. I was out there when he was getting something from his car, the door was left open, I hit the latch for the trunk and got them out. He’s currently passed out in his car now, sitting in my driveway. I’m going to call my son and tell him I’m not home and that I’ll see him tomorrow, so he doesn’t come here after school. I haven’t stopped crying most of the day today. It’s all hitting me.
I’m not even trying to get him to stop drinking. I quit trying months ago. When I saw him continue down this path, and continued having heart problems after being told what he needed to do, his doctor and nurse told me “it’s up to him now, nothing we/you can say will help him stop, it has to be him” That was the day I stopped trying. I told him a month or so ago, if he quits he can’t stay here while he does - that I’m not trained and that I don’t have the mindset anymore to help with it. He now blames me for that, but I can’t be responsible for the dangers of detox. Their is very little I would know how to do to save his life, and we are in a very rural area and it could take 911 a while to get here.
I was able to get my papers back, that’s good. I was out there when he was getting something from his car, the door was left open, I hit the latch for the trunk and got them out. He’s currently passed out in his car now, sitting in my driveway. I’m going to call my son and tell him I’m not home and that I’ll see him tomorrow, so he doesn’t come here after school. I haven’t stopped crying most of the day today. It’s all hitting me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Yes, I'm sorry, I know this is all overwhelming.
Once you cry it out, once you are calmer, I think you will find your resolve. You have told him your boundary, he hasn't quit drinking (he has no intention to, as you have seen), it is time for him to leave, to have respect for you and your boundary don't you think? I think both of you know it?
What is there in this pseudo relationship for you anyway? You seem to be more of a caretaker than in any kind of romantic relationship.
You seem like a very compassionate person, I'm sorry you got hurt in all of this.
At this point it's really just enabling him. He has a place to sit around and drink all the time, that's not good for you or for him. What motivation does he have to quit, none. That is not your problem anyway - that's his thing, but propping him up is not helping him.
Realistically, aside from questionable, small help with the farm. What do you get from this relationship?
Once you cry it out, once you are calmer, I think you will find your resolve. You have told him your boundary, he hasn't quit drinking (he has no intention to, as you have seen), it is time for him to leave, to have respect for you and your boundary don't you think? I think both of you know it?
What is there in this pseudo relationship for you anyway? You seem to be more of a caretaker than in any kind of romantic relationship.
You seem like a very compassionate person, I'm sorry you got hurt in all of this.
At this point it's really just enabling him. He has a place to sit around and drink all the time, that's not good for you or for him. What motivation does he have to quit, none. That is not your problem anyway - that's his thing, but propping him up is not helping him.
Realistically, aside from questionable, small help with the farm. What do you get from this relationship?
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
He’s passed out during work hours? Outside YOUR house in YOUR car?
What help is he, really?
The day is coming soon when either he will have a medical event that prevents him from even pretending to work or he’s just going to quit even trying and drink even more. Then you will have a farm to run AND a petulant drunk invalid to care for. Not to mention your son, who still needs his mom.
Usually I can dredge up some compassion for the other side but he lost me completely at giving you grief about what you eat. You realize it’s just a way to keep you on the defensive, right? And a cruel, nasty way at that.
Cry it out, best you can. Then get mad...it can be a great energizer.
Sending you a big hug.
What help is he, really?
The day is coming soon when either he will have a medical event that prevents him from even pretending to work or he’s just going to quit even trying and drink even more. Then you will have a farm to run AND a petulant drunk invalid to care for. Not to mention your son, who still needs his mom.
Usually I can dredge up some compassion for the other side but he lost me completely at giving you grief about what you eat. You realize it’s just a way to keep you on the defensive, right? And a cruel, nasty way at that.
Cry it out, best you can. Then get mad...it can be a great energizer.
Sending you a big hug.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Lost4Now
I haven’t stopped crying most of the day today. It’s all hitting me.
it reads like the drunk sees that the gig is just about up,too.
make that happen for you and your son.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Ohio
Posts: 46
What does that mean, he keeps me on the defensive? Why do they do that?
Is that a way to explain why I feel my patience is growing short, and always feeling on edge like any day I might have a nervous breakdown of sorts?
I’ve been trying to answer that question since I saw it asked yesterday. What reason is their to stay?
Is that a way to explain why I feel my patience is growing short, and always feeling on edge like any day I might have a nervous breakdown of sorts?
I’ve been trying to answer that question since I saw it asked yesterday. What reason is their to stay?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Lost4Now
What reason is their to stay?
because hes a feeloader with nowhere to go. hes been allowed to do what he wants and act how he wants with no consequences.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
Lost, alcoholics keep you on the defensive because as long as you're arguing or anguishing over something else - anything else - , the focus is off of their alcoholism. They like to keep their alcoholism nice and safe.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Originally Posted by Lost4Now
What does that mean, he keeps me on the defensive? Why do they do that?
They don't want us strong and rational and assertive.... that screws with what THEY want. They want us weak so they can continue to manipulate us into maintaining the status quo. When you speak up or show any strength they push even harder to protect their disease.
My AXH kept me scared for a long time, because he knew my fears kept me from leaving. He did that by means of emotional manipulations, not the least of which was threatening suicide.
It's an insidious disease.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Have family that developed cardiovascular issues around the same age of 45 after decades of drinking. Although different issues he's had numerous bouts of fluid retention and swelling on various joints over the years. He was binge drinking by his early 20s which eventually turned into daily drinking. He then expanded into other drugs including steroids and sport supplements. It took 3 medications to get his bp under control and he works out.
Did he start drinking in his teens. Father time will catch up to you fast.
Until the alcoholic or addict actually wants to stop drinking they won't. They'll consider their issues 'just a scare' or accept it as the price of their drinking/desired lifestyle. There's denial as well. If he's a decades long alcoholic it's hard to physically and mentally alter 20 plus years of drinking and the associated lifestyle. That's why they really have to want to change. Rehab would be nothing but a timeout if they don't want to quit.
Worry about yourself, oneway or another the consequences of excessive drinking or drugging will catch up to a person.
Hang in there!
Did he start drinking in his teens. Father time will catch up to you fast.
Until the alcoholic or addict actually wants to stop drinking they won't. They'll consider their issues 'just a scare' or accept it as the price of their drinking/desired lifestyle. There's denial as well. If he's a decades long alcoholic it's hard to physically and mentally alter 20 plus years of drinking and the associated lifestyle. That's why they really have to want to change. Rehab would be nothing but a timeout if they don't want to quit.
Worry about yourself, oneway or another the consequences of excessive drinking or drugging will catch up to a person.
Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Lost4Now
What does that mean, he keeps me on the defensive? Why do they do that?
Is that a way to explain why I feel my patience is growing short, and always feeling on edge like any day I might have a nervous breakdown of sorts?
I’ve been trying to answer that question since I saw it asked yesterday. What reason is their to stay?
Is that a way to explain why I feel my patience is growing short, and always feeling on edge like any day I might have a nervous breakdown of sorts?
I’ve been trying to answer that question since I saw it asked yesterday. What reason is their to stay?
First of all, it's kicks you off your high horse. It's an insult that whacks your self-esteem, that keeps you compliant. Who else would want you when you are so awful (you kind of said that yourself and it's so untrue!)
Secondly, the whole drinking vs eating. That's just another cheap shot trying to make himself not seem so bad.
It's all rather lame.
Why does he stay? He's basically been freeloading for years aside for some money he gave you once and which he now seems to think is a never ending mountain of money. How much did he spend in the years before he decided to make 1 contribution. He knows that money will run out and you will keep paying.
He pays no rent, doesn't contribute to the bills - free place to stay. Who would put up with his behaviour? He knows he has a good thing. Free car, free-ish place to stay and all the drinking he wants to do. He can tell himself he contributes by his 15 minutes of work on the farm every day.
Plus he is abusive. That venom, he directs it at you because if he didn't have you to do that to, where would that go - to him. You are his punching bag, you are his vent.
So yeah, I certainly see the draw.
Addiction is selfish. Whatever he does is for him. Whatever he says is probably about him. He's not worried about you or the farm or your Son or anything else.
With an addict the drug is always first.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
since he does not have a job, thus no income, where is the money coming from to pay for his booze?
also really bad idea to have a drunk driver using a car that is in your name. it is in fact yours legally. thus you can prevent him from driving it. not too hard to disable a car.
did i understand that he has access to your bank accounts? i sure hope not. i'd shut THAT down in less than three seconds.
also really bad idea to have a drunk driver using a car that is in your name. it is in fact yours legally. thus you can prevent him from driving it. not too hard to disable a car.
did i understand that he has access to your bank accounts? i sure hope not. i'd shut THAT down in less than three seconds.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
I would just like to point out how ridiculous the idea that he will stop drinking when you stop eating is.
First of all, you would die. (That this is the best excuse he can come up with is really unimpressive. Most alcoholics at least become good manipulators ha ha.)
Secondly, you mentioned your weight in your first post as to why you think you are stuck with this pile of human garbage. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he picked something you are deeply self-conscious about to throw in your face. He knows you think you don’t deserve any better because you’re overweight, and he’s basically telling you that every time he tries this line. He’s cutting you down at your point vulnerability on purpose.
I have a rule about the way I speak to myself. If I wouldn’t put up with someone saying it to a friend about her body, I will not say it to myself about mine. Would you tell a friend she should stay with someone draining because she is in her 40s and chubby? Heck no. You’d want her to see her worth. Try to be at least as kind to yourself as he would to any other person you respect.
regarding the fear, I will echo what others have said. My ex and I made about the same amount of money so I was sure I was going to lose my house when I left him. With a little bit of creativity, that hasn’t happened. The costs you aren’t seeing associated with having an alcoholic in your house are probably much greater than you could imagine. I bet you money it would work out if you subtract him from the equation.
First of all, you would die. (That this is the best excuse he can come up with is really unimpressive. Most alcoholics at least become good manipulators ha ha.)
Secondly, you mentioned your weight in your first post as to why you think you are stuck with this pile of human garbage. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he picked something you are deeply self-conscious about to throw in your face. He knows you think you don’t deserve any better because you’re overweight, and he’s basically telling you that every time he tries this line. He’s cutting you down at your point vulnerability on purpose.
I have a rule about the way I speak to myself. If I wouldn’t put up with someone saying it to a friend about her body, I will not say it to myself about mine. Would you tell a friend she should stay with someone draining because she is in her 40s and chubby? Heck no. You’d want her to see her worth. Try to be at least as kind to yourself as he would to any other person you respect.
regarding the fear, I will echo what others have said. My ex and I made about the same amount of money so I was sure I was going to lose my house when I left him. With a little bit of creativity, that hasn’t happened. The costs you aren’t seeing associated with having an alcoholic in your house are probably much greater than you could imagine. I bet you money it would work out if you subtract him from the equation.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
You might want to google stress hormones and weight gain. Stress also makes asthma worse.
With what you’re going through it’s no wonder and he can just shut it because he’s your biggest stressor. He’s wrecking your health as well as his own.
With what you’re going through it’s no wonder and he can just shut it because he’s your biggest stressor. He’s wrecking your health as well as his own.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
FWIW I left an alcoholic after 25 years together. I was overweight, depressed and in my mid-40s (yes, we got together way too young). Nobody but me had any idea how bad it was.
It was hard, but I did it. I too lost 40 pounds in the process without even trying. Now I run 10K road races. I have so much more financial freedom because I'm not subsidizing all the local liquor stores. I have self-respect, which is priceless. I have never, not once, regretted leaving.
You can do it too! You're so close to taking the decisive step to leave this leech. You ARE doing the right thing.
Also FWIW, diagnosed with heart failure in his 40s?? There are good odds he'll die soon if he keeps going like he is, and you really don't want to be around as he gets worse. My ex was given the same medical prognosis two years ago (he was a bit older - early 50s), and sure enough he died. His rock bottom was being found dead lying on the sidewalk with no wallet and no ID. You CAN get off the train before it gets to that station.
It was hard, but I did it. I too lost 40 pounds in the process without even trying. Now I run 10K road races. I have so much more financial freedom because I'm not subsidizing all the local liquor stores. I have self-respect, which is priceless. I have never, not once, regretted leaving.
You can do it too! You're so close to taking the decisive step to leave this leech. You ARE doing the right thing.
Also FWIW, diagnosed with heart failure in his 40s?? There are good odds he'll die soon if he keeps going like he is, and you really don't want to be around as he gets worse. My ex was given the same medical prognosis two years ago (he was a bit older - early 50s), and sure enough he died. His rock bottom was being found dead lying on the sidewalk with no wallet and no ID. You CAN get off the train before it gets to that station.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 62
My heart breaks for you. A counselor once told me that no matter what hatefulness comes from someone's mouth, only you know the truth about yourself. When you feel yourself in disbelief about something someone has said, stop, ask yourself, is that the truth.....it does help. He has your self esteem at an all time low. I thought I had problems...wow....id come work on your farm myself if it meant you getting away from that awfulness.
Sending you lots of love hugs and prayers. You know what you need to do but nothing happens over night. Be strong, you are a valuable person.
Sending you lots of love hugs and prayers. You know what you need to do but nothing happens over night. Be strong, you are a valuable person.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Ohio
Posts: 46
Hey everyone!
Sorry for the long delay in a post. It’s been really busy here preparing for my event in October. The more I stand firm or up, the less he does to help, so it’s really starting to show me maybe I can do this without him and hire someone far more valuable. I know in my heart I can. It’s my mind that doubts.
He left for 2 nights for something his family out of town asked of him, and it was PEACEFUL. I actually calmed down and relaxed. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all. Maybe I prefer being alone over being with this man. I can’t imagine it’s any worse!!
His son left today, and when he left - the boyfriend said, your driving my son away from me. Then said, you should see the texts he texts his mom about how crazy you are. I don’t know whether to believe it or not, but I do a little - only bc his son has mouthed off to me before when he was doing something dumb that could’ve caused him and my animals getting hurt. I put a stop to it, and he made comments as he walked away. This was about 2-3 weeks ago. So maybe then is when he went to his mom on texts. So, what did I do? I marched into the house, called Verizon and turned his sons phone off. It’s not my responsibility anyway to provide his son with a phone. I was doing it to be nice. Let his mom or grandparents pay for his cell phone!
Anyway, after I did that - it’s just added fuel to the fire and the boyfriend has been a real gem. I don’t care though. I probably DO CARE, but I don’t. I feel sorry for his son, I do. He deals with far worse, but I’m not paying for his phone so he can text his mom and tell her I’m this nasty person. No thanks!
Currently he’s sitting in his car, again... music blaring. I think I’m going to lock my doors when I go in for the night. He can sleep in his car. I told him to leave 4 hours ago, but he won’t.
Frustrating!!
Sorry for the long delay in a post. It’s been really busy here preparing for my event in October. The more I stand firm or up, the less he does to help, so it’s really starting to show me maybe I can do this without him and hire someone far more valuable. I know in my heart I can. It’s my mind that doubts.
He left for 2 nights for something his family out of town asked of him, and it was PEACEFUL. I actually calmed down and relaxed. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all. Maybe I prefer being alone over being with this man. I can’t imagine it’s any worse!!
His son left today, and when he left - the boyfriend said, your driving my son away from me. Then said, you should see the texts he texts his mom about how crazy you are. I don’t know whether to believe it or not, but I do a little - only bc his son has mouthed off to me before when he was doing something dumb that could’ve caused him and my animals getting hurt. I put a stop to it, and he made comments as he walked away. This was about 2-3 weeks ago. So maybe then is when he went to his mom on texts. So, what did I do? I marched into the house, called Verizon and turned his sons phone off. It’s not my responsibility anyway to provide his son with a phone. I was doing it to be nice. Let his mom or grandparents pay for his cell phone!
Anyway, after I did that - it’s just added fuel to the fire and the boyfriend has been a real gem. I don’t care though. I probably DO CARE, but I don’t. I feel sorry for his son, I do. He deals with far worse, but I’m not paying for his phone so he can text his mom and tell her I’m this nasty person. No thanks!
Currently he’s sitting in his car, again... music blaring. I think I’m going to lock my doors when I go in for the night. He can sleep in his car. I told him to leave 4 hours ago, but he won’t.
Frustrating!!
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