What more will it take? Where is Rock Bottom??
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,898
Lost4now...if you had a daughter in this situation, what would you say to her? Would you offer to help her in any way you could? Well, that is what your parents are trying to do for you. They can't force you to do anything, but they are offering what help they can. Please do whatever it takes to get him out, then let them help you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Ohio
Posts: 46
He is not physically abusive - not sure if he could be. Tonight was the first time he did something stupid and that was me putting my fingers through the crack in his car window to get my keys and left them there for a second while I was addressing my papers, he wound the window up tight on my fingers where I couldn’t get them out. Literally he had to wind it down a bit more for me to get them out. I don’t care, it didn’t hurt really.
He handed me the keys through the car window, he’s been sitting in his (my) car for a couple hours now, pouting. That’s what he does. He won’t unlock the trunk which is where the papers are.
Yes the car is insured with my name, wouldn’t that be best if it’s in my name, as opposed to in my name and not insured??
Hmmm... I need to figure this out fast
He handed me the keys through the car window, he’s been sitting in his (my) car for a couple hours now, pouting. That’s what he does. He won’t unlock the trunk which is where the papers are.
Yes the car is insured with my name, wouldn’t that be best if it’s in my name, as opposed to in my name and not insured??
Hmmm... I need to figure this out fast
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,898
If nothing else, I hope posting here and reading all these responses shows you that you do have options. You are not stuck in this nightmare. You can get him out and you will survive.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,898
tonight was the first time he did something stupid and that was me putting my fingers through the crack in his car window to get my keys and left them there for a second while i was addressing my papers, he wound the window up tight on my fingers where i couldn’t get them out. Literally he had to wind it down a bit more for me to get them out. I don’t care, it didn’t hurt really.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
The car situation is a huge exposure..,you could lose everything if he hurts someone driving drunk.
But it’s still just a symptom..,he’s the damned cancer.
Please...let your family help you. Kick this creep to the curb.
But it’s still just a symptom..,he’s the damned cancer.
Please...let your family help you. Kick this creep to the curb.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
he screws up drunk driving your car,you will be help accountable for allowing him to drive it. he knows this. hes been playin ya.
change the game youre playing. he opens the trunk or ya call the cops. have your phone in your hand,911 punched in, and all ya have to hit is send.
change the game youre playing. he opens the trunk or ya call the cops. have your phone in your hand,911 punched in, and all ya have to hit is send.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
You will have to check your jurisdiction about the insurance.
If he has an accident it will be your insurance rates going up (at the very least).
Where I live, not only can you not drink and drive, you can't sit in a car with the keys within reach if you are drunk.
But, that would just be vindictive.
Now that you have the keys you can wait until he passes out to get the papers I guess? I do like tomsteves idea.
If he has an accident it will be your insurance rates going up (at the very least).
Where I live, not only can you not drink and drive, you can't sit in a car with the keys within reach if you are drunk.
But, that would just be vindictive.
Now that you have the keys you can wait until he passes out to get the papers I guess? I do like tomsteves idea.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he wound the window up tight on my fingers where I couldn’t get them out. Literally he had to wind it down a bit more for me to get them out. I don’t care, it didn’t hurt really.
this isn't cute or funny or him just being him...this is deliberate physical assault on your person. what if he did this to your six year old niece? or your mother. or any other human.
this isn't cute or funny or him just being him...this is deliberate physical assault on your person. what if he did this to your six year old niece? or your mother. or any other human.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
My abuser used to poke needles into me. It was "only" for a second.
I was deathly afraid of insects. She would find dead ones and would back me into a wall by just thrusting her arm towards my face as if she was going to smush them into me.
In my head, she wasn't abusing me because she wasn't actually hitting me. Then one day, I realized that the reason why she employed those methods was because it wouldn't leave any marks that could be seen by my parents.
Your boyfriend is doing "just enough" to threaten you without leaving any evidence - so he won't get caught. He's banking on the fact that you are afraid of his reaction so you don't claim what's rightfully yours.
I was deathly afraid of insects. She would find dead ones and would back me into a wall by just thrusting her arm towards my face as if she was going to smush them into me.
In my head, she wasn't abusing me because she wasn't actually hitting me. Then one day, I realized that the reason why she employed those methods was because it wouldn't leave any marks that could be seen by my parents.
Your boyfriend is doing "just enough" to threaten you without leaving any evidence - so he won't get caught. He's banking on the fact that you are afraid of his reaction so you don't claim what's rightfully yours.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 453
I was reading your thread and had to start skimming; reading it in detail was too painful.
This is a nightmare. I think you've been conditioned to accept all of this as normal, but, my friend, this is not normal or healthy.
No one should be in a situation like this.
Don't sell yourself short. And, for the love of all that's good in this world, don't ever, ever think that you don't deserve respect and kindness because of your age or weight or any other factor. We all deserve good things in life.
But this man--and I use the term loosely--needs to start behaving like a decent human being. You are not obligated to put up with his abuse. I suspect when he's gone, you will go through some shock, but then I hope you'll feel a HUGE weight lifted.
I don't usually post on this side of the forum, but your story caught my eye and I'm really sorry for the situation you're in.
Please, please take care of yourself. Lots of good advice here. I'll just add my good wishes to you.
This is a nightmare. I think you've been conditioned to accept all of this as normal, but, my friend, this is not normal or healthy.
No one should be in a situation like this.
Don't sell yourself short. And, for the love of all that's good in this world, don't ever, ever think that you don't deserve respect and kindness because of your age or weight or any other factor. We all deserve good things in life.
But this man--and I use the term loosely--needs to start behaving like a decent human being. You are not obligated to put up with his abuse. I suspect when he's gone, you will go through some shock, but then I hope you'll feel a HUGE weight lifted.
I don't usually post on this side of the forum, but your story caught my eye and I'm really sorry for the situation you're in.
Please, please take care of yourself. Lots of good advice here. I'll just add my good wishes to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 83
I am 47. I couldn’t begin to tell you the level of abuse I’ve out up with waiting for him to hit the rock bottom that never came.
I hit hit mine though and finally got him out. I stopped making excuses not to and locked the door. Permanently this time.
im coping perfectly well. In fact I’m even starting to feel like a human again.
if I spend the rest of my life alone it will be preferable to being with a drunk.
I hit hit mine though and finally got him out. I stopped making excuses not to and locked the door. Permanently this time.
im coping perfectly well. In fact I’m even starting to feel like a human again.
if I spend the rest of my life alone it will be preferable to being with a drunk.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Lost,
Welcome.
You've been given a lot of great advice here. I can only add that there has never been any amount of begging, pleading, tears, threats, or conversations that have made on whit of difference in the drinking of my alcoholic loved ones. The sad, truth is that although we can let them know how their drinking affects us, an active alcoholic will only stop if and when they decide they have had enough.
The same holds true for us. We will only let go of the pain and chaos of life with an active alcoholic when we have had enough.
Welcome.
Originally Posted by Lost4Now
...
Thank you for reaching out to me. I’m so scared I think is the word. Nothing I do helps. I have done everything from begging/pleading, to stopping my own addiction to soda pop (and still not having any), to telling him it’s me or the beer - he says beer and yet, here we still are.
...
Thank you for reaching out to me. I’m so scared I think is the word. Nothing I do helps. I have done everything from begging/pleading, to stopping my own addiction to soda pop (and still not having any), to telling him it’s me or the beer - he says beer and yet, here we still are.
...
The same holds true for us. We will only let go of the pain and chaos of life with an active alcoholic when we have had enough.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lost...…
I feel that you should be mindful, that, considering the very large amount of alcohol intake, each day, and his severe health problem,,,,that he should always be under medical supervision when attempting to quit drinking. If he were to do so, it would, most likely, end up in an ER strip, like the last one.
If he were to try stopping, he would be best off in a hospital detoxifying unit.
You can call the local hospitals and ask if they have a detox unit.....
If he should get sick, in the meantime...the thing to do is to go to the closest hospital E.R. via the emergency service...911.
Quitting, all at once--"cold turkey"....can be very dangerous...resulting in DTs (delirium tremens)….withdawl seizures, and various circulatory emergencies.
He can discuss all of this with his private doctor or a doctor at a clinic.....
I am a medical person and I have detoxed man alcoholics...and, as such, I would be very concerned with a person who has his level of intake and heart condition.....It is always better to be safe than sorry....
I suggest that it is not the best idea to unduly "pressure" him to "just stop" at this time.
I believe that you would be much better off to not have him l iving on your property , any longer....and that he would be better off with the help of people who really know how to help him and provide medical supervision, as he needs it.....
I feel that you should be mindful, that, considering the very large amount of alcohol intake, each day, and his severe health problem,,,,that he should always be under medical supervision when attempting to quit drinking. If he were to do so, it would, most likely, end up in an ER strip, like the last one.
If he were to try stopping, he would be best off in a hospital detoxifying unit.
You can call the local hospitals and ask if they have a detox unit.....
If he should get sick, in the meantime...the thing to do is to go to the closest hospital E.R. via the emergency service...911.
Quitting, all at once--"cold turkey"....can be very dangerous...resulting in DTs (delirium tremens)….withdawl seizures, and various circulatory emergencies.
He can discuss all of this with his private doctor or a doctor at a clinic.....
I am a medical person and I have detoxed man alcoholics...and, as such, I would be very concerned with a person who has his level of intake and heart condition.....It is always better to be safe than sorry....
I suggest that it is not the best idea to unduly "pressure" him to "just stop" at this time.
I believe that you would be much better off to not have him l iving on your property , any longer....and that he would be better off with the help of people who really know how to help him and provide medical supervision, as he needs it.....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lost.....
I want to encourage you that you are not permanently "stuck".....
And, YES, you can end this relationship....and, you will survive.
And, YES, you can "do better".....
I do get it, that you feel overwhelmed, right now...by the various challenges that you have.
Candidly, I will say, from what you have shared, with us...that your most pressing issue is that you fear the pain of grieving the ending of this romantic relationship---the fear of feeling alone. the fear of abandonment.
This can be a pretty common fear.....you are not all that unusual, in this respect.
You, al least, do not need him to be living on your property...in your immediate space. After all, he wasn't always living there...and, you were surviving and functioning......You really CAN do that again...
The irony is, if you have been strong enough to live with an out of control alcoholic....you have more than enough strength to live without them tearing your life apart.....
the thing that I would like to say to you is this: You are in over your head, right now, as it looks to me.....when you have more than you can handle....you have to get support and help...you HAVE to. You (and nobody else, either) can do the impossible!
By "help"....I mean support from family and friends, and professional help and help from various places....as you need it.
there is more help and people willing to help than you probably realize...and, you may not be a person who has asked for much help...and, don't know how to go about it.....
If you don't have the money...there are sources of support and practical help that won't cost you money....
Thankfully, your parents have indicated that they will help you....that is a lot more than some people have....I suggest that you might need to swallow your pride and allow them to actually help....
I hope that you keep posting here, because we can help support you, as we k now more particulars....
don't give up....as long as you don't give up on yourself, you will be o.k.
I want to encourage you that you are not permanently "stuck".....
And, YES, you can end this relationship....and, you will survive.
And, YES, you can "do better".....
I do get it, that you feel overwhelmed, right now...by the various challenges that you have.
Candidly, I will say, from what you have shared, with us...that your most pressing issue is that you fear the pain of grieving the ending of this romantic relationship---the fear of feeling alone. the fear of abandonment.
This can be a pretty common fear.....you are not all that unusual, in this respect.
You, al least, do not need him to be living on your property...in your immediate space. After all, he wasn't always living there...and, you were surviving and functioning......You really CAN do that again...
The irony is, if you have been strong enough to live with an out of control alcoholic....you have more than enough strength to live without them tearing your life apart.....
the thing that I would like to say to you is this: You are in over your head, right now, as it looks to me.....when you have more than you can handle....you have to get support and help...you HAVE to. You (and nobody else, either) can do the impossible!
By "help"....I mean support from family and friends, and professional help and help from various places....as you need it.
there is more help and people willing to help than you probably realize...and, you may not be a person who has asked for much help...and, don't know how to go about it.....
If you don't have the money...there are sources of support and practical help that won't cost you money....
Thankfully, your parents have indicated that they will help you....that is a lot more than some people have....I suggest that you might need to swallow your pride and allow them to actually help....
I hope that you keep posting here, because we can help support you, as we k now more particulars....
don't give up....as long as you don't give up on yourself, you will be o.k.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Onefortheditch 
if I spend the rest of my life alone it will be preferable to being with a drunk.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
Originally Posted by Lost4Now
I don’t think I can take this anymore, but I also don’t think I can take on our lifestyle alone. I’m the soul provider. He doesn’t work, or pay bills. But physically demanding stuff I will struggle with. Yet, he has my anxiety and depression is so through the roof I feel I am becoming a nasty person. Does this make sense? I used to be fun and loving. Now I’m bitter and angry.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Originally Posted by dandylion
The irony is, if you have been strong enough to live with an out of control alcoholic....you have more than enough strength to live without them tearing your life apart....
I was one of the women who was terrified to leave my AXH for financial reasons. I didn't know how I was ever going to survive on my income when with our combined incomes(his being much higher than mine) we sometimes barely scraped by. I lived so very frugally the first few months I was on my own because I was so sure disaster was going to strike and I'd never have enough money to support myself, so I was trying to slow down the process of being completely and utterly broke.... then the weirdest thing happened, I realized I was saving money, indeed more money than I had ever had saved before, and in a very short time! As the months moved a long I got very comfortable in my new normal of actually not living paycheck to paycheck because there was not some drunk jerk draining all our money on booze, cigarettes, and STUPID purchases made on credit cards.I lived in Canada where alcohol and tobacco are VERY expensive due to the "sin" tax that gets applied to those things, his problems were costing us a minimum of $1,200 a month...usually more...sometimes much more.
My point is that you will be surprised how much money you wont be spending when you aren't supporting an alcoholic. Money you can use to hire someone to do whatever work it is he actually does around your farm.
I also used to live in dread of my AXH's drunk driving. All the things that could have gone so horribly wrong...to innocent people, to him, to our family, our finances, our home, our lives.... it makes me sick just thinking back to it. I wish I had been more proactive. I am glad that I no longer have to live with those kinds of fears. It was very a very heavy thing for me to carry around day in and day out. I'm sorry you are having this experience.
I have to wonder what else he may be hiding in the trunk of that car. I don't know the man, but I don't trust him!
I know you are struggling, I hope you stick around and keep talking to us, no matter what you choose to do in regards to your relationship with this guy.
*hugs*
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Ohio
Posts: 46
Hello!
My apologies for not getting back here last night. One of the goats had her babies and that was time consuming but fun - twins!. I needed that, at that time. I came in and crashed after a small supper.
I want to sincerely Thank you ALL so much for the incredible support and wisdom you showed me yesterday. I am not a strong person mentally speaking and this is and will be hard for me. I have to say, after the outpouring of support yesterday, you give me hope that I will have a place to come and talk while going through my own kind of “detox”.
I am deeply saddened I allowed myself to get this caught up and this deep into such a dead end relationship. I regret it not only for myself, but for my son as well - he’s an adult now but still. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself for this one. I find myself apologizing to my son often.
I think sharing everything I’ve shared has really helped show me how pathetic it truly is. No one knows the extent I’ve shared. I don’t share it. I think I might maybe try seeking a counselor as well, bc I am not happy. I don’t think I have been for sometime now.
I cant say this is going to happen overnight, I have a lot of legalities sorted out and be sure nothing I do can come back to haunt me.
Any tips on how to deal/manage in the meantime?
My apologies for not getting back here last night. One of the goats had her babies and that was time consuming but fun - twins!. I needed that, at that time. I came in and crashed after a small supper.
I want to sincerely Thank you ALL so much for the incredible support and wisdom you showed me yesterday. I am not a strong person mentally speaking and this is and will be hard for me. I have to say, after the outpouring of support yesterday, you give me hope that I will have a place to come and talk while going through my own kind of “detox”.
I am deeply saddened I allowed myself to get this caught up and this deep into such a dead end relationship. I regret it not only for myself, but for my son as well - he’s an adult now but still. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself for this one. I find myself apologizing to my son often.
I think sharing everything I’ve shared has really helped show me how pathetic it truly is. No one knows the extent I’ve shared. I don’t share it. I think I might maybe try seeking a counselor as well, bc I am not happy. I don’t think I have been for sometime now.
I cant say this is going to happen overnight, I have a lot of legalities sorted out and be sure nothing I do can come back to haunt me.
Any tips on how to deal/manage in the meantime?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Get yourself some real life, face to face support! Whether that be Al-Anon, a spiritual counselor, a therapist, or a trusted friend or family member, you will need a lot of reinforcement against the tide of ill will he will be sending your way as you work through this. This site is invaluable, but the more tools and support at your back, the better!
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