There are millions of available men/women....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
There are millions of available men/women....
.. But I keep seeing this god awful trend on here where we (I include my self too), think our ex alcoholics or alkie spouses/partners are our one true flame.
STOP IT. Yes, it's heart breaking to let go of years spent with somebody you hoped was your soulflamewotsit. It sucks!
But could the universe/God/kermit give you a bigger clue that there's better out there... Than turning /revealing/exposing your soulflamewotsit to be an addict of a substance where there brain is actually re-wired so it CANT Love you. They CAN'T love you.
I had soooo many clues, massive no no's.. Back away, from the universe when I started dating my EXAH. But I ignored them all.. The universe must have face palmed its self back into the big bang!
Do you know why I chose my EXAH? Fear.. Fear I was getting too old. I hated... Despised the dating scene.
Let go of fear.. Take a chill pill (spiritual one of course). Back off and watch who can fill that space.
I'm not afraid of anything. I kicked my EXAH to the kerb. It broke my heart. Grief is a pain that hits the body and mind as one. Much like love. But goddammit I deserve better. I deserve my mirror self.
Who's next?
STOP IT. Yes, it's heart breaking to let go of years spent with somebody you hoped was your soulflamewotsit. It sucks!
But could the universe/God/kermit give you a bigger clue that there's better out there... Than turning /revealing/exposing your soulflamewotsit to be an addict of a substance where there brain is actually re-wired so it CANT Love you. They CAN'T love you.
I had soooo many clues, massive no no's.. Back away, from the universe when I started dating my EXAH. But I ignored them all.. The universe must have face palmed its self back into the big bang!
Do you know why I chose my EXAH? Fear.. Fear I was getting too old. I hated... Despised the dating scene.
Let go of fear.. Take a chill pill (spiritual one of course). Back off and watch who can fill that space.
I'm not afraid of anything. I kicked my EXAH to the kerb. It broke my heart. Grief is a pain that hits the body and mind as one. Much like love. But goddammit I deserve better. I deserve my mirror self.
Who's next?
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 93
Milano58 thank you! Exactly what i needed to read today. It’s so true. I am about ready to leave my AH. I am heartbroken but you are dead on - their brains are wired so that they CANT love you back. And as hard as it is to believe - someone out there can. And if not i can always love myself, enjoy my friends and family, and finally live in peace!
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Absolutely!
We need to work on ourselves. Why do we keep picking alcoholics/addicts.
I am on my third!! ** eye roll **
It is about us not them. I am working my program to change me. Change what I am attracted to in life.
It is actually very handy to have a dramatic rollercoaster in your life to distract from other things like um, growing up!
We are so big into banging on about "them" but what about us and our codie traits? Just as unhealthy and sick.
Great topic, Milano.
We need to work on ourselves. Why do we keep picking alcoholics/addicts.
I am on my third!! ** eye roll **
It is about us not them. I am working my program to change me. Change what I am attracted to in life.
It is actually very handy to have a dramatic rollercoaster in your life to distract from other things like um, growing up!
We are so big into banging on about "them" but what about us and our codie traits? Just as unhealthy and sick.
Great topic, Milano.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
While I wholly support people choosing partners that are happy and healthy and well balanced, let's not be too hard on ourselves here.
Codie - Codependent, many times those are things that come about for people AFTER meeting an alcoholic or addict.
Many times people are not aware of what that really means. There is no Alcoholism 101 taught in schools (there should be).
Also people don't always show the darker side until later on in a relationship. Maybe snippets but there is generally no "Hi, I'm >>>> and I'm an addict" on the first date.
Not saying that everyone shouldn't protect themselves (you should!) - just don't be too hard on yourselves.
Codie - Codependent, many times those are things that come about for people AFTER meeting an alcoholic or addict.
Many times people are not aware of what that really means. There is no Alcoholism 101 taught in schools (there should be).
Also people don't always show the darker side until later on in a relationship. Maybe snippets but there is generally no "Hi, I'm >>>> and I'm an addict" on the first date.
Not saying that everyone shouldn't protect themselves (you should!) - just don't be too hard on yourselves.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
"Back off and watch who can fill that space".
Nobody apparently in my case. 🙄.
I'm in a space of not looking externally and feeling a bit 'meh' about everything. I know the reasons I went for the addict now, hugely codependent. Been working on myself, yet can feel the confidence slipping a bit, as much as I do the work, do I still believe to my core that I am enough, probably not.
Nobody apparently in my case. 🙄.
I'm in a space of not looking externally and feeling a bit 'meh' about everything. I know the reasons I went for the addict now, hugely codependent. Been working on myself, yet can feel the confidence slipping a bit, as much as I do the work, do I still believe to my core that I am enough, probably not.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Yep...used to hold on because I thought my ex was the only man who would ever care about me--dysfunctional and dishonest as he was. Took a while, and it's something I still work on a little bit every day, but I know my own worth. And, I know what I'm looking for in a partner if it ever happens for me again 
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 143
I think I hung on for a long time just in the name of staying married and not getting divorced. I can only think of one adult person in my family that hasn't been divorced - everyone else is. Divorce was such as terrible concept to me for so long, I think, because the pain of my parents' divorce when I was so young. I just didn't want that for my kids or for myself. I wanted to be that couple that had been married 50 years some day. And I think we might have if not for his heavy alcohol use. Alcohol poisons everything in a relationship as I see it.
I have no interest in any new romantic relationships but if I ever do I hope I am able to avoid another substance abuser. And, I hope I would only allow someone into my life that is emotionally well- like someone who has taken and who regularly takes a deep and honest look at themselves, their habits, and their relationships, and who values personal growth.
I have no interest in any new romantic relationships but if I ever do I hope I am able to avoid another substance abuser. And, I hope I would only allow someone into my life that is emotionally well- like someone who has taken and who regularly takes a deep and honest look at themselves, their habits, and their relationships, and who values personal growth.
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.....and I wasn't ready for any of them.
Until I was.
This recovery piece takes time. I agree with not being to hard on oneself, but I also think that I needed time.
I needed time to trust me, my boundaries and to make sure that I was not going to get pulled into something that was not right for me.
I needed time to come out of fantasy and into reality.
I also needed time to like, love and respect me.
I have my first crush since I have been divorced. It has been really fun to have this energy.....even if nothing comes from it. It really is less about my crush and more about opening myself up to the great unknown and trusting myself to take care of me.
Until I was.
This recovery piece takes time. I agree with not being to hard on oneself, but I also think that I needed time.
I needed time to trust me, my boundaries and to make sure that I was not going to get pulled into something that was not right for me.
I needed time to come out of fantasy and into reality.
I also needed time to like, love and respect me.
I have my first crush since I have been divorced. It has been really fun to have this energy.....even if nothing comes from it. It really is less about my crush and more about opening myself up to the great unknown and trusting myself to take care of me.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery 
.....and I wasn't ready for any of them.
Until I was.
This recovery piece takes time. I agree with not being to hard on oneself, but I also think that I needed time.
I needed time to trust me, my boundaries and to make sure that I was not going to get pulled into something that was not right for me.
I needed time to come out of fantasy and into reality.
I also needed time to like, love and respect me.
I have my first crush since I have been divorced. It has been really fun to have this energy.....even if nothing comes from it. It really is less about my crush and more about opening myself up to the great unknown and trusting myself to take care of me.
Until I was.
This recovery piece takes time. I agree with not being to hard on oneself, but I also think that I needed time.
I needed time to trust me, my boundaries and to make sure that I was not going to get pulled into something that was not right for me.
I needed time to come out of fantasy and into reality.
I also needed time to like, love and respect me.
I have my first crush since I have been divorced. It has been really fun to have this energy.....even if nothing comes from it. It really is less about my crush and more about opening myself up to the great unknown and trusting myself to take care of me.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
I nodded so hard while reading your post I almost gave myself whiplash, Milano. 
I was the QUEEN of ignoring red flags long before I met AXBF. I just had this sort of naive trust in everyone and everything.
No more rose-colored glasses for me! I've been dating for about two years now, and I've happened upon all frogs, no princes.
Know what I've learned? I am fine all by myself, and finally knowing that, truly believing and understanding it, is better than any relationship could ever be.
I was the QUEEN of ignoring red flags long before I met AXBF. I just had this sort of naive trust in everyone and everything.
No more rose-colored glasses for me! I've been dating for about two years now, and I've happened upon all frogs, no princes.
Know what I've learned? I am fine all by myself, and finally knowing that, truly believing and understanding it, is better than any relationship could ever be.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
Originally Posted by SaveHer
I nodded so hard while reading your post I almost gave myself whiplash, Milano.
I was the QUEEN of ignoring red flags long before I met AXBF. I just had this sort of naive trust in everyone and everything.
No more rose-colored glasses for me! I've been dating for about two years now, and I've happened upon all frogs, no princes.
Know what I've learned? I am fine all by myself, and finally knowing that, truly believing and understanding it, is better than any relationship could ever be.
I was the QUEEN of ignoring red flags long before I met AXBF. I just had this sort of naive trust in everyone and everything.
No more rose-colored glasses for me! I've been dating for about two years now, and I've happened upon all frogs, no princes.
Know what I've learned? I am fine all by myself, and finally knowing that, truly believing and understanding it, is better than any relationship could ever be.
And you know what? I'm not settling for anything else. I'm in no hurry, I don't need it.. Not lonely.. Don't need his money, house etc. Have my kids and don't want anymore. I know precisely what I want and how it's going to make me feel and I honestly don't know how I could attract anything else at this point.
I've been doing reiki, inner child work and letting go of past limiting beliefs and I feel like somebody who's finally gotten their learner plates off.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I don't think my XAH was my one true flame. However, there is one bond that won't ever be broken. We had children together. That ties you to someone, forever. For the good and for the bad.
I too have raised my bar to a level that is both unfair and unattainable in my opinion. However, that is something I have to work on myself. It's constant work on myself, that does not stop. Right now, my focus is on raising these kids. If the right person would come along, great. If not, I am totally fine with that too.
If there is one thing I have learned, it's that you will NEVER be happy in any relationship unless you are happy with yourself.
I too have raised my bar to a level that is both unfair and unattainable in my opinion. However, that is something I have to work on myself. It's constant work on myself, that does not stop. Right now, my focus is on raising these kids. If the right person would come along, great. If not, I am totally fine with that too.
If there is one thing I have learned, it's that you will NEVER be happy in any relationship unless you are happy with yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
My AH is in the process of leaving me. I sway between fear and gratitude. This is the 3rd time he's threatened to leave but the first he's actually gotten his own place. Even though he's not out yet my life, and my soon-to-be-adopted son's, life have gotten so much better because we're not putting everything on hold waiting for him to include himself. I'm trying to keep a list of the parts of myself I sacrificed for him over the years. He got more than he gave but it's hard for me to remember that when I'm in the midst of fear of what my life will look like without two paychecks.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by trailmix
While I wholly support people choosing partners that are happy and healthy and well balanced, let's not be too hard on ourselves here.
Codie - Codependent, many times those are things that come about for people AFTER meeting an alcoholic or addict.
Many times people are not aware of what that really means. There is no Alcoholism 101 taught in schools (there should be).
Also people don't always show the darker side until later on in a relationship. Maybe snippets but there is generally no "Hi, I'm >>>> and I'm an addict" on the first date.
Not saying that everyone shouldn't protect themselves (you should!) - just don't be too hard on yourselves.
Codie - Codependent, many times those are things that come about for people AFTER meeting an alcoholic or addict.
Many times people are not aware of what that really means. There is no Alcoholism 101 taught in schools (there should be).
Also people don't always show the darker side until later on in a relationship. Maybe snippets but there is generally no "Hi, I'm >>>> and I'm an addict" on the first date.
Not saying that everyone shouldn't protect themselves (you should!) - just don't be too hard on yourselves.
Again, I'm not sure if this is good or bad... but it is quite lonely.
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