Update on (x)ABF- entangled again
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 93
Those last two paragraphs - no truer words
Originally Posted by trailmix 
It is sad, it really is. You see this person who perhaps deep down has all the attributes to be a good person, but that can't be because of this.
I hope what I said about arrogance and disrespect wasn't too harsh, I certainly don't intend to be mean.
You know, if I believed you could help this guy, I would absolutely be encouraging you. I'd give you any information I have and this board would also rally around! We aren't a bunch of grumps that have just lost all hope for alcoholics. So many here want to help, try different approaches etc etc and the times that has had any effect are so rare I can't even say - maybe twice? That I have seen. But I believe, that in all cases, it's still the addict that has to make that choice.
I have also read the half-assed attempts at sobriety that alcoholics make to try to save their relationships. Never lasts long and just keeps the roller coaster ride going a bit longer, until the "helper" is burnt out.
It's not just the hopelessness of trying to intervene on the addiction, it's really about what it does to you.
Where is your concern for yourself in worry about him?
I hope what I said about arrogance and disrespect wasn't too harsh, I certainly don't intend to be mean.
You know, if I believed you could help this guy, I would absolutely be encouraging you. I'd give you any information I have and this board would also rally around! We aren't a bunch of grumps that have just lost all hope for alcoholics. So many here want to help, try different approaches etc etc and the times that has had any effect are so rare I can't even say - maybe twice? That I have seen. But I believe, that in all cases, it's still the addict that has to make that choice.
I have also read the half-assed attempts at sobriety that alcoholics make to try to save their relationships. Never lasts long and just keeps the roller coaster ride going a bit longer, until the "helper" is burnt out.
It's not just the hopelessness of trying to intervene on the addiction, it's really about what it does to you.
Where is your concern for yourself in worry about him?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by dandylion
bluelist…...on of the most useful things during this time, that we frequently recommend on here, is to make a list of the very worst things he said or did to you....and, how it made you FEEL. at the time....
Keep it o n paper...not on a tablet. Carry it at all times---and, read it over and over, every time you get weak in the knees. Even if it is a dozen times a day.
That will cut through you selective recall...
Right now, anger is a good motivator for you.....use it. It is hard to be angry and sad at the same exact time....
No one is doubting that his situation is a sad one....and, no one is trying to wipe out your compassion....just keep it in check so that it doesnt' undermine yourself.....
***by the way..."paper" are thin sheets, made from wood products, that people used to write on....with an instrument, called a "pencil"...again, a wood product with lead in the tip of it.....
This was all before computers and tablets....back when people talked with their voices, and not their fingers...LOL!
Keep it o n paper...not on a tablet. Carry it at all times---and, read it over and over, every time you get weak in the knees. Even if it is a dozen times a day.
That will cut through you selective recall...
Right now, anger is a good motivator for you.....use it. It is hard to be angry and sad at the same exact time....
No one is doubting that his situation is a sad one....and, no one is trying to wipe out your compassion....just keep it in check so that it doesnt' undermine yourself.....
***by the way..."paper" are thin sheets, made from wood products, that people used to write on....with an instrument, called a "pencil"...again, a wood product with lead in the tip of it.....
This was all before computers and tablets....back when people talked with their voices, and not their fingers...LOL!
a list of the abusive lies (and for several days I would remember another and another... and pinned it on my fridge... it was helpful. And for some reason I took it down the other day. I need to put it back up. And that's a good idea to carry it with me. I had a glimpse of that anger last week-- It's just this cycle of now he is heart broken and saying nice things that has me all twisted again. geezeI guess I wish I could tell him I am breaking up with your addiction, (which feels like a true possession really). I guess I sort of said that, but I want to make it clear. But what is really clear in his mind anyways? I am just grieving.
Thank you all for listening and sharing your wisdom.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Originally Posted by bluelight44
I had a glimpse of that anger last week-- It's just this cycle of now he is heart broken and saying nice things that has me all twisted again. geeze
I guess I wish I could tell him I am breaking up with your addiction, (which feels like a true possession really). I guess I sort of said that, but I want to make it clear. But what is really clear in his mind anyways? I am just grieving.
I get the rethinking what you said. I am absolutely sure you could have said whatever you said better . . . or worse but it wouldn't make ANY difference to him and his drinking. It is normal to rethink how you handled this. As much as possible let the regrets come and let them go.
Big hug to you Blue.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 103
In my opinion...he is now manipulating you by telling you what he knows you want to hear in order to keep you in his life to the extent it suits his purposes. That extent can vary by the day or minute. I know it because I’ve done it and it isn’t cool. I encourage you to move on and find someone who respects you and the relationship. Good luck in your journey!
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