Needing advise and support
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 319
I think this is good to keep in mind when interacting with anyone (because really, who likes to be on the receiving end of any of this), but there are also the “4 Ms” of dealing with someone with addictions, and those are:
Don’t 1) Mother 2) Martyr 3) Manage or 4 Manipulate
Good to step back sometimes and examine if any of that is going on..
Don’t 1) Mother 2) Martyr 3) Manage or 4 Manipulate
Good to step back sometimes and examine if any of that is going on..
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
if i decided today to train for a marathon race, there is not a lot that my partner can DO for me. nor would i expect a lot. i'm the one that would have to lace up the shoes and go hit the pavement. i'm the one that would likely have to clean up my diet, develop a workout routine, follow a schedule of distances to run, timing, and whatever else is involved. i would not expect my partner to get up with me, run with me, any of that. it would be nice if they didn't INTERFERE.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
and what exactly do you know about the recovery process?
i think you said once that he claimed to have five YEARS?
i think we often confuse "support" for "wanting to be more important to them" and have more of their time and attention, become their counselors and advisors.
they don't NEED us for their ongoing recovery. that is what support groups, therapists and counselors are for.
if i decided today to train for a marathon race, there is not a lot that my partner can DO for me. nor would i expect a lot. i'm the one that would have to lace up the shoes and go hit the pavement. i'm the one that would likely have to clean up my diet, develop a workout routine, follow a schedule of distances to run, timing, and whatever else is involved. i would not expect my partner to get up with me, run with me, any of that. it would be nice if they didn't INTERFERE.
i think you said once that he claimed to have five YEARS?
i think we often confuse "support" for "wanting to be more important to them" and have more of their time and attention, become their counselors and advisors.
they don't NEED us for their ongoing recovery. that is what support groups, therapists and counselors are for.
if i decided today to train for a marathon race, there is not a lot that my partner can DO for me. nor would i expect a lot. i'm the one that would have to lace up the shoes and go hit the pavement. i'm the one that would likely have to clean up my diet, develop a workout routine, follow a schedule of distances to run, timing, and whatever else is involved. i would not expect my partner to get up with me, run with me, any of that. it would be nice if they didn't INTERFERE.
Yes, 2010 he went into recovery and stopped drinking.
I didn’t meet him until 2017. He admitted when we met he stopped using prescription medication. His past relationship before me if 5 years, I found out he was using pills. So April 2017 he told me he stopped. So over the two years I can assume from his behaviors that he might have relapsed back to pills.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by pdm22
I think this is good to keep in mind when interacting with anyone (because really, who likes to be on the receiving end of any of this), but there are also the “4 Ms” of dealing with someone with addictions, and those are:
Don’t 1) Mother 2) Martyr 3) Manage or 4 Manipulate
Good to step back sometimes and examine if any of that is going on..
Don’t 1) Mother 2) Martyr 3) Manage or 4 Manipulate
Good to step back sometimes and examine if any of that is going on..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by trailmix
Anvil makes a really great point.
Her partner might help her carry her marathon items bag back from the car.
ALL of the other things she is accomplishing in the example above take:
Self Discipline
Hard Work
Commitment
Willingness
Determination
Time
Willingness to ask for and accept help from others with experience and training
etc etc etc
Recovery is no different, it's HARD. That is why there are professionals. You can listen to him all day long, but until he does the hard work, nothing changes.
This isn't the type of thing a partner can really help with. This isn't a problem at work where you might have been in the same situation and have suggestions that he might take on board. This is a mental challenge and unless you are a psychiatrist or a trained mental health professional or at the very least an addict in successful recovery - your help is surface at best.
Please understand I say this kindly. It's just the reality of it that is harsh because it is harsh. No two ways about it.
Her partner might help her carry her marathon items bag back from the car.
ALL of the other things she is accomplishing in the example above take:
Self Discipline
Hard Work
Commitment
Willingness
Determination
Time
Willingness to ask for and accept help from others with experience and training
etc etc etc
Recovery is no different, it's HARD. That is why there are professionals. You can listen to him all day long, but until he does the hard work, nothing changes.
This isn't the type of thing a partner can really help with. This isn't a problem at work where you might have been in the same situation and have suggestions that he might take on board. This is a mental challenge and unless you are a psychiatrist or a trained mental health professional or at the very least an addict in successful recovery - your help is surface at best.
Please understand I say this kindly. It's just the reality of it that is harsh because it is harsh. No two ways about it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by AIMH
I do understand that he has to do all the work, no matter how hard it is. I do believe he has not put in all the work as hard as it is. I do know that he has to want to do it and only he can change things. I certainly don’t want to be his therapist. I know that I just have to step back and see if he is willing to really put in the work.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
He broke up and blocked you....that is his truth. It is like when I tell people no is no, respect it.
I know that I just have to step back and see if he is willing to really put in the work.
If you want him to truly reflect on why he's so committed to a life of addiction, you got to stop looking in the mirror for him and get out of the way.
I'm sure you've told him a thousand times over what a wonderful man he is, how great he could be if only he could kick the alcoholism to the curb. I could tell you a thousand times over that you are a good person and that you deserve better. People already HAVE told you that you are a person of value- not only on this thread, but on your previous one almost two years ago. However, that hasn't stopped you from wanting to stay attached to your boyfriend. You're just as addicted to him as he is to the alcohol. Just what do you think a letter will achieve? I just fear that it will serve nothing more than a distraction and an ego kibble for him.
I also know you want to show your gratitude towards the posters of this site, but you're spending so much time thanking people I can't help but think it's a deflection of some sort. I ask you this, what are you going to do to help yourself heal and commit to a life of respecting and loving yourself?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Puzzled, “ego kibble” made my day! New favorite phrase...
Last edited by PuzzledHeart; 08-25-2019 at 04:11 PM. Reason: clarity
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
I ask this question gently, why do you have to _see_ if he's willing to put in the work? Especially when he no longer wants you to look at him?
If you want him to truly reflect on why he's so committed to a life of addiction, you got to stop looking in the mirror for him and get out of the way.
I'm sure you've told him a thousand times over what a wonderful man he is, how great he could be if only he could kick the alcoholism to the curb. I could tell you a thousand times over that you are a good person and that you deserve better. People already HAVE told you that you are a person of value- not only on this thread, but on your previous one almost two years ago. However, that hasn't stopped you from wanting to stay attached to your boyfriend. You're just as addicted to him as he is to the alcohol. Just what do you think a letter will achieve? I just fear that it will serve nothing more than a distraction and an ego kibble for him.
I also know you want to show your gratitude towards the posters of this site, but you're spending so much time thanking people I can't help but think it's a deflection of some sort. I ask you this, what are you going to do to help yourself heal and commit to a life of respecting and loving yourself?
If you want him to truly reflect on why he's so committed to a life of addiction, you got to stop looking in the mirror for him and get out of the way.
I'm sure you've told him a thousand times over what a wonderful man he is, how great he could be if only he could kick the alcoholism to the curb. I could tell you a thousand times over that you are a good person and that you deserve better. People already HAVE told you that you are a person of value- not only on this thread, but on your previous one almost two years ago. However, that hasn't stopped you from wanting to stay attached to your boyfriend. You're just as addicted to him as he is to the alcohol. Just what do you think a letter will achieve? I just fear that it will serve nothing more than a distraction and an ego kibble for him.
I also know you want to show your gratitude towards the posters of this site, but you're spending so much time thanking people I can't help but think it's a deflection of some sort. I ask you this, what are you going to do to help yourself heal and commit to a life of respecting and loving yourself?
Thanking people for their advise, not sure how that is a deflection? But okay, I wonder how your name PuzzledHeart came about? Maybe you can understand how my heart feels, maybe not. I am working on me and was just looking for support which is what I thought this site was for. So in regards to thanking people for their comments I don’t feel it is a deflection. Yes, maybe I am addicted to a man I fell in love with, don’t see a fault in that. I am not the type of person to give up on someone. Yes, backing away so that he can see himself in the mirror is a great idea.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by trailmix
Ok so maybe we are on the wrong track here.
What exactly do you want support for/with?
In case that sounds snarky in print, it's not intended that way at all.
What exactly do you want support for/with?
In case that sounds snarky in print, it's not intended that way at all.
I guess I was looking for answers to questions that might never be answered.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Originally Posted by AIMH
He than unblocked me!!
And how did you know that he had unblocked you? Were you trying to reach out to him?
But okay, I wonder how your name PuzzledHeart came about?
Maybe you can understand how my heart feels, maybe not.
My friends and family cried when he broke up with me; they were so relieved that I wasn't going to marry him. I really deluded myself into thinking that the future we were going to have was actually going to be happy. Now I kick myself for not acknowledging the truth that was right in front of my face. I shudder to think what my life could have been like if he and I had continued on our miserable course. All the love from my now husband and son wouldn't have existed at all. The friendships that blossomed after my ex left me would have just withered and died.
You have no idea of the happiness you could have if you just let go of the misery you think is sustaining you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 61
Joining the sentiment, I say run free and stay away from him as anything other than at best a casual friend. You do not want to end up married to an alcoholic; as many on this site can attest to. Unless he takes the steps to change nothing will change and you will spend your marital life alone. His addiction doesn’t make him a bad person but that doesn’t mean just because you dated for two years you have to stay and put up with it for the rest of your life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
hey AIMH, I hope you will come back and post some more.
We are here to support you and help you figure this out.
I am just confused as I wonder if you want help with helping him and that's not really possible. He needs professional help, if he wants it and that has to come from him. He needs to make a decision.
Meantime, I can see you being hurt by him over and over. I'm really sorry to see that.
That's where the concern comes from.
We are here to support you and help you figure this out.
I am just confused as I wonder if you want help with helping him and that's not really possible. He needs professional help, if he wants it and that has to come from him. He needs to make a decision.
Meantime, I can see you being hurt by him over and over. I'm really sorry to see that.
That's where the concern comes from.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
