Being the Second Priority, Regret, and Return
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 13
Being the Second Priority, Regret, and Return
I will try to keep the background of my story as brief as possible. I am a 30 year old ex-girlfriend of a 33 year old actively using alcoholic. I met him when I was 19. In the beginning I was afraid to date him because he was a drinker and talked about his hard partying college life and recreational drug use. At the time I was in a committed relationship. Moreover, I was not and never will be a drinker or drug user. But he was charming, smart, extremely good looking, and could sing and play the guitar. I had started a relationship with him without ending my first one. A mistake I will deeply regret for the rest of my life. Once he found out I was still seeing the other guy things changed drastically from hurt. All the while he was binge drinking. I would come to his house when he promised dinner and he would not be there when I got home. The next day he would be sick and hung over and apologize and say that he loved me. Then he would get angry and say you changed me by cheating and lying as if it were justification for his behavior. To summarize the last decade of us dating he recierec two DUIs where he totalled both of his cars and lost his license for two years. I drove him to work during that time so he could keep his job which he was eventually let go of. He lives in a farm house on his parents property, which they pay for. Despite repeated complaints and asking for bill money they pay everything his electric bill, phone bill, heating oil etc. I wanted a future and life with this person so badly I tried everything to "change" him to make him love me the way I needed him to. To care about marrying me and buying a house. All the while he would drink and say because I cheated years ago he drinks and changed him. I tried to leave him after he said to another girl that he felt many other girls would be a much better fit for him than me. But he came back a month later begging me to stay. Fast forward eight years into the relationship: his brother opened a winery on his parents property and thought it would be a wonderful idea to make his alcoholic brother the vitnor of the winery. His older brother who runs it lives two hours away. Of course my ex gladly accepted and over the course of those two years was consumed by addiction up all hours making wine and drinking it. Drinking with customers and staying past business hours with them. It did not matter if I cried, got angry, threatened to leave , bribery, ultimatums, nothing changed it. I spent hours at the gym feeling depressed and wondering why I wasn't good enough to change for. Another guy had approached me not knowing I was in a relationship and I started an affair for months .This guy grew suspicious of where I had lived and I finally told the truth and I sat my ex down and also told him the truth. As I expected, it was end of our relationship. He kicked me out and I had to find an apartment which I has never lived on my own. I was in the middle of an extremely competitive college program and working three part time jobs. I was consumed with heartbreak and regret. I wrote him a two page letter of how sorry I was and how all I wanted was a good relationship with him. He never wrote back he started dating someone new. His mother keep in touch with me to tell me everything which I wanted and didn't want at the same time. His drinking went to the next level three months after I left. He was drinking to function then. He would get the shakes and suffered severe insomnia of he did not drink. He was hospitalized for three days and a week later went into rehab for three weeks. His then girlfriend broke up with him. And out of the blue he messaged me saying he was still in love with me and that he wrote a letter of apology in rehab to me. I believed it all I went back with open arms. I loved this person so much and wanted to believe this could work. For three months it was me cleaning his house playing nurse maid as he used prescribed antianxiety medication and Librium to withdrawal and dry out. All the while still living rent and bills free on his parents property. He got up the nerve to tell his brother he was quitting the winery and I was more hopeful than ever things were going to change. I did my part on changing I blocked the person at had an affair with made my ex feel included in everything. My parents welcomed him back with loving and understanding arms. Then..twice after work he relapsed and would scream at me that he hated me for cheating and that he was still in contact with the person he was dating for three months and that he thought I was seeing someone else and without even talking to me about it he dumped me. Then I realized how much I enabled this person over the years. How dissatisfied I was with this relationship because I was competing with alcohol to be the number one priorty, which I never was. How much his parents, even though they meant well, have enabled him by taking his life responsibility away. I have reflected on the last decade of my life and understand my role in the heartbreak and pain and I have dealt with the false hope that things would be better by understanding it had nothing to do with me. It had to do with his addiction and dissatisfaction with his life and self loathing. Convieniently, he dumped me four days before I started an amazing career. Which it was all I could do to get through the first week without bawling at work. My question might be a selfish one. But is there a chance he may ever come back to me? We were together 11 years. I understand codependentcy and that he is a shell of a person he once was and that all is left is his addiction. He still lives on his parents property and has access to all the winery buildings on the property. I am focusing on myself and have blocked him on my phone and Facebook to feel some control of the situation. But I have no.closure. If you think he will return, what should I do?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by Trashpanda1989 
I will try to keep the background of my story as brief as possible. I am a 30 year old ex-girlfriend of a 33 year old actively using alcoholic. I met him when I was 19. In the beginning I was afraid to date him because he was a drinker and talked about his hard partying college life and recreational drug use. At the time I was in a committed relationship. Moreover, I was not and never will be a drinker or drug user. But he was charming, smart, extremely good looking, and could sing and play the guitar. I had started a relationship with him without ending my first one. A mistake I will deeply regret for the rest of my life. Once he found out I was still seeing the other guy things changed drastically from hurt. All the while he was binge drinking. I would come to his house when he promised dinner and he would not be there when I got home. The next day he would be sick and hung over and apologize and say that he loved me. Then he would get angry and say you changed me by cheating and lying as if it were justification for his behavior. To summarize the last decade of us dating he recierec two DUIs where he totalled both of his cars and lost his license for two years. I drove him to work during that time so he could keep his job which he was eventually let go of. He lives in a farm house on his parents property, which they pay for. Despite repeated complaints and asking for bill money they pay everything his electric bill, phone bill, heating oil etc. I wanted a future and life with this person so badly I tried everything to "change" him to make him love me the way I needed him to. To care about marrying me and buying a house. All the while he would drink and say because I cheated years ago he drinks and changed him. I tried to leave him after he said to another girl that he felt many other girls would be a much better fit for him than me. But he came back a month later begging me to stay. Fast forward eight years into the relationship: his brother opened a winery on his parents property and thought it would be a wonderful idea to make his alcoholic brother the vitnor of the winery. His older brother who runs it lives two hours away. Of course my ex gladly accepted and over the course of those two years was consumed by addiction up all hours making wine and drinking it. Drinking with customers and staying past business hours with them. It did not matter if I cried, got angry, threatened to leave , bribery, ultimatums, nothing changed it. I spent hours at the gym feeling depressed and wondering why I wasn't good enough to change for. Another guy had approached me not knowing I was in a relationship and I started an affair for months .This guy grew suspicious of where I had lived and I finally told the truth and I sat my ex down and also told him the truth. As I expected, it was end of our relationship. He kicked me out and I had to find an apartment which I has never lived on my own. I was in the middle of an extremely competitive college program and working three part time jobs. I was consumed with heartbreak and regret. I wrote him a two page letter of how sorry I was and how all I wanted was a good relationship with him. He never wrote back he started dating someone new. His mother keep in touch with me to tell me everything which I wanted and didn't want at the same time. His drinking went to the next level three months after I left. He was drinking to function then. He would get the shakes and suffered severe insomnia of he did not drink. He was hospitalized for three days and a week later went into rehab for three weeks. His then girlfriend broke up with him. And out of the blue he messaged me saying he was still in love with me and that he wrote a letter of apology in rehab to me. I believed it all I went back with open arms. I loved this person so much and wanted to believe this could work. For three months it was me cleaning his house playing nurse maid as he used prescribed antianxiety medication and Librium to withdrawal and dry out. All the while still living rent and bills free on his parents property. He got up the nerve to tell his brother he was quitting the winery and I was more hopeful than ever things were going to change. I did my part on changing I blocked the person at had an affair with made my ex feel included in everything. My parents welcomed him back with loving and understanding arms. Then..twice after work he relapsed and would scream at me that he hated me for cheating and that he was still in contact with the person he was dating for three months and that he thought I was seeing someone else and without even talking to me about it he dumped me. Then I realized how much I enabled this person over the years. How dissatisfied I was with this relationship because I was competing with alcohol to be the number one priorty, which I never was. How much his parents, even though they meant well, have enabled him by taking his life responsibility away. I have reflected on the last decade of my life and understand my role in the heartbreak and pain and I have dealt with the false hope that things would be better by understanding it had nothing to do with me. It had to do with his addiction and dissatisfaction with his life and self loathing. Convieniently, he dumped me four days before I started an amazing career. Which it was all I could do to get through the first week without bawling at work. My question might be a selfish one. But is there a chance he may ever come back to me? We were together 11 years. I understand codependentcy and that he is a shell of a person he once was and that all is left is his addiction. He still lives on his parents property and has access to all the winery buildings on the property. I am focusing on myself and have blocked him on my phone and Facebook to feel some control of the situation. But I have no.closure. If you think he will return, what should I do?
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
You know, even if he weren’t an alcoholic, I would tell you to RUN.
Clearly, you bring out the worst in each other and the alcoholism just makes that even more fraught. You were so young when this all began...and in many ways this sounds like high school, doesn’t it? The break ups, the drama, the reconciliation...is that what you really want?
Your cheating just gave him a get-out-of-jail free card to play to drink and not be called on it, because it was “your fault” and you accepted that blame. A very useful thing to have on someone for an active alcoholic, yes?
He conveniently comes back to you every time he loses an enabler elsewhere...you’re his Plan B, maybe even C.
You have a chance to have a brand new life with no baggage and an amazing new career. GRAB IT. Staying in this mess will ruin everything you’ve worked for.
RUN. Block him, now and forever. Find a therapist who can help you repair your own damage. Stay out of relationships for a while...you need to learn who you are when you’re not being sucked into drama all the time.
Seriously, RUN and don’t look back. You’ve lost a third of your life to this mess, don’t waste any more, yes?
Clearly, you bring out the worst in each other and the alcoholism just makes that even more fraught. You were so young when this all began...and in many ways this sounds like high school, doesn’t it? The break ups, the drama, the reconciliation...is that what you really want?
Your cheating just gave him a get-out-of-jail free card to play to drink and not be called on it, because it was “your fault” and you accepted that blame. A very useful thing to have on someone for an active alcoholic, yes?
He conveniently comes back to you every time he loses an enabler elsewhere...you’re his Plan B, maybe even C.
You have a chance to have a brand new life with no baggage and an amazing new career. GRAB IT. Staying in this mess will ruin everything you’ve worked for.
RUN. Block him, now and forever. Find a therapist who can help you repair your own damage. Stay out of relationships for a while...you need to learn who you are when you’re not being sucked into drama all the time.
Seriously, RUN and don’t look back. You’ve lost a third of your life to this mess, don’t waste any more, yes?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by Trashpanda1989
I will try to keep the background of my story as brief as possible. I am a 30 year old ex-girlfriend of a 33 year old actively using alcoholic. I met him when I was 19. In the beginning I was afraid to date him because he was a drinker and talked about his hard partying college life and recreational drug use. At the time I was in a committed relationship. Moreover, I was not and never will be a drinker or drug user. But he was charming, smart, extremely good looking, and could sing and play the guitar. I had started a relationship with him without ending my first one. A mistake I will deeply regret for the rest of my life. Once he found out I was still seeing the other guy things changed drastically from hurt. All the while he was binge drinking. I would come to his house when he promised dinner and he would not be there when I got home. The next day he would be sick and hung over and apologize and say that he loved me. Then he would get angry and say you changed me by cheating and lying as if it were justification for his behavior. To summarize the last decade of us dating he recierec two DUIs where he totalled both of his cars and lost his license for two years. I drove him to work during that time so he could keep his job which he was eventually let go of. He lives in a farm house on his parents property, which they pay for. Despite repeated complaints and asking for bill money they pay everything his electric bill, phone bill, heating oil etc. I wanted a future and life with this person so badly I tried everything to "change" him to make him love me the way I needed him to. To care about marrying me and buying a house. All the while he would drink and say because I cheated years ago he drinks and changed him. I tried to leave him after he said to another girl that he felt many other girls would be a much better fit for him than me. But he came back a month later begging me to stay. Fast forward eight years into the relationship: his brother opened a winery on his parents property and thought it would be a wonderful idea to make his alcoholic brother the vitnor of the winery. His older brother who runs it lives two hours away. Of course my ex gladly accepted and over the course of those two years was consumed by addiction up all hours making wine and drinking it. Drinking with customers and staying past business hours with them. It did not matter if I cried, got angry, threatened to leave , bribery, ultimatums, nothing changed it. I spent hours at the gym feeling depressed and wondering why I wasn't good enough to change for. Another guy had approached me not knowing I was in a relationship and I started an affair for months .This guy grew suspicious of where I had lived and I finally told the truth and I sat my ex down and also told him the truth. As I expected, it was end of our relationship. He kicked me out and I had to find an apartment which I has never lived on my own. I was in the middle of an extremely competitive college program and working three part time jobs. I was consumed with heartbreak and regret. I wrote him a two page letter of how sorry I was and how all I wanted was a good relationship with him. He never wrote back he started dating someone new. His mother keep in touch with me to tell me everything which I wanted and didn't want at the same time. His drinking went to the next level three months after I left. He was drinking to function then. He would get the shakes and suffered severe insomnia of he did not drink. He was hospitalized for three days and a week later went into rehab for three weeks. His then girlfriend broke up with him. And out of the blue he messaged me saying he was still in love with me and that he wrote a letter of apology in rehab to me. I believed it all I went back with open arms. I loved this person so much and wanted to believe this could work. For three months it was me cleaning his house playing nurse maid as he used prescribed antianxiety medication and Librium to withdrawal and dry out. All the while still living rent and bills free on his parents property. He got up the nerve to tell his brother he was quitting the winery and I was more hopeful than ever things were going to change. I did my part on changing I blocked the person at had an affair with made my ex feel included in everything. My parents welcomed him back with loving and understanding arms. Then..twice after work he relapsed and would scream at me that he hated me for cheating and that he was still in contact with the person he was dating for three months and that he thought I was seeing someone else and without even talking to me about it he dumped me. Then I realized how much I enabled this person over the years. How dissatisfied I was with this relationship because I was competing with alcohol to be the number one priorty, which I never was. How much his parents, even though they meant well, have enabled him by taking his life responsibility away. I have reflected on the last decade of my life and understand my role in the heartbreak and pain and I have dealt with the false hope that things would be better by understanding it had nothing to do with me. It had to do with his addiction and dissatisfaction with his life and self loathing. Convieniently, he dumped me four days before I started an amazing career. Which it was all I could do to get through the first week without bawling at work. My question might be a selfish one. But is there a chance he may ever come back to me? We were together 11 years. I understand codependentcy and that he is a shell of a person he once was and that all is left is his addiction. He still lives on his parents property and has access to all the winery buildings on the property. I am focusing on myself and have blocked him on my phone and Facebook to feel some control of the situation. But I have no.closure. If you think he will return, what should I do?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
You know, even if he weren’t an alcoholic, I would tell you to RUN.
Clearly, you bring out the worst in each other and the alcoholism just makes that even more fraught. You were so young when this all began...and in many ways this sounds like high school, doesn’t it? The break ups, the drama, the reconciliation...is that what you really want?
Your cheating just gave him a get-out-of-jail free card to play to drink and not be called on it, because it was “your fault” and you accepted that blame. A very useful thing to have on someone for an active alcoholic, yes?
He conveniently comes back to you every time he loses an enabler elsewhere...you’re his Plan B, maybe even C.
You have a chance to have a brand new life with no baggage and an amazing new career. GRAB IT. Staying in this mess will ruin everything you’ve worked for.
RUN. Block him, now and forever. Find a therapist who can help you repair your own damage. Stay out of relationships for a while...you need to learn who you are when you’re not being sucked into drama all the time.
Seriously, RUN and don’t look back. You’ve lost a third of your life to this mess, don’t waste any more, yes?
Clearly, you bring out the worst in each other and the alcoholism just makes that even more fraught. You were so young when this all began...and in many ways this sounds like high school, doesn’t it? The break ups, the drama, the reconciliation...is that what you really want?
Your cheating just gave him a get-out-of-jail free card to play to drink and not be called on it, because it was “your fault” and you accepted that blame. A very useful thing to have on someone for an active alcoholic, yes?
He conveniently comes back to you every time he loses an enabler elsewhere...you’re his Plan B, maybe even C.
You have a chance to have a brand new life with no baggage and an amazing new career. GRAB IT. Staying in this mess will ruin everything you’ve worked for.
RUN. Block him, now and forever. Find a therapist who can help you repair your own damage. Stay out of relationships for a while...you need to learn who you are when you’re not being sucked into drama all the time.
Seriously, RUN and don’t look back. You’ve lost a third of your life to this mess, don’t waste any more, yes?
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
When whoever is enabling him now has had enough he’ll start looking for the next soft place to land. If that’s you, it will come gift-wrapped in a lot of flowery words and appeals to your conscience and your past together. If you get sucked back in, it’ll be another ride on the same roller coaster and you’ll lose more of your one precious life to a problem you can never solve.
Block him. Wish him well in your head and get on with your life, yes?
P.S. Closure is something you give yourself. It’s coming to a core-depth acceptance that this part of your life is behind you. Your path to that is not found by more contact with him, right?
Block him. Wish him well in your head and get on with your life, yes?
P.S. Closure is something you give yourself. It’s coming to a core-depth acceptance that this part of your life is behind you. Your path to that is not found by more contact with him, right?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Panda......I get it, that you are in pain...and, you want that pain to be gone...yesterday! I believe you are grieving...which is natural....grieving the loss of the relationship that you wanted to be a certain way....a relationship that you put so much of yourself into.
This is the reality that you are facing, as I see it.....
1.The grieving will not be over in a flash...it will go on for weeks to months...in fits and starts....ups and downs....depending on how you manage it.
There is no choice, with grief...the only way is to go straight through it.
You will survive and you will get past it....
I call this period of time...."The short-term pain for the long-term gain"
2. You will need to do a lot of work and get a lot more support from the right places, if you want to navigate this life situation successfully.
Ariesagain suggested to get a therapist to help you....Do that...asap.
You will need therapy for about two years, at least....there is a lot of "digging " for you to do to reach the kind of insight that you will need.
You will need a support group, in addition to the therapist....allanon or ACOA to mention a few.....
You will need a new social group that is not connected to your ex or your past life....
***Liike agiesagain said...take a sabattical from romantic relationships, until your therapist thinks you are ready....
3. You need to educate yourself as to the true nature of addictions...alcoholism, and co-dependency....and about healthy relationships, etc.
Knowledge is power.
I suggest that you begin with "Co-dependent No More".....as it is the most recommended book, here on SR.
I suggest that you read t hrough the more than 100 articles that we have, here on this forum. I will give you a link...at the bottom of this post.....that will connect you to this SR "library". *It is also contained in the "stickies", at the top of the main page. Look for it!
There are enough articles for you to read and digest one every single day for over a hundred days.
Again....knowledge is power.
4. A very important point, I think, is this: During this, which you probably regard a a dark time, in your life---you are, actually, given a golden window of opportunity to change your life...and determine whether the next 30 years will be a happy, satisfying one or 30 years of more heartbreak and spinning your wheels.
Be willing to be in therapy and away from romantic relationships for as long as it takes...I would estimate about two years.
***this is especially important if you ever want to have children. You still have a window of time to heal and get healthy...before your fertility begins to slow down, fairly rapidly....at about age 35. You do NOT want to give your children an alcoholic or addict as a parent. That will mess up your and their lives like you can't even believe!
5. Now is the time to focus on your New Career....and your own health.
to answer your question.....yes, I will bet my children's milk money that he will come around again....maybe, after another enabler drops him....
Be ready for it....and make yourself strong enough to avoid getting sucked back into the belly of the beast....
Here is the link to our "stickies" library of articles....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
This is the reality that you are facing, as I see it.....
1.The grieving will not be over in a flash...it will go on for weeks to months...in fits and starts....ups and downs....depending on how you manage it.
There is no choice, with grief...the only way is to go straight through it.
You will survive and you will get past it....
I call this period of time...."The short-term pain for the long-term gain"
2. You will need to do a lot of work and get a lot more support from the right places, if you want to navigate this life situation successfully.
Ariesagain suggested to get a therapist to help you....Do that...asap.
You will need therapy for about two years, at least....there is a lot of "digging " for you to do to reach the kind of insight that you will need.
You will need a support group, in addition to the therapist....allanon or ACOA to mention a few.....
You will need a new social group that is not connected to your ex or your past life....
***Liike agiesagain said...take a sabattical from romantic relationships, until your therapist thinks you are ready....
3. You need to educate yourself as to the true nature of addictions...alcoholism, and co-dependency....and about healthy relationships, etc.
Knowledge is power.
I suggest that you begin with "Co-dependent No More".....as it is the most recommended book, here on SR.
I suggest that you read t hrough the more than 100 articles that we have, here on this forum. I will give you a link...at the bottom of this post.....that will connect you to this SR "library". *It is also contained in the "stickies", at the top of the main page. Look for it!
There are enough articles for you to read and digest one every single day for over a hundred days.
Again....knowledge is power.
4. A very important point, I think, is this: During this, which you probably regard a a dark time, in your life---you are, actually, given a golden window of opportunity to change your life...and determine whether the next 30 years will be a happy, satisfying one or 30 years of more heartbreak and spinning your wheels.
Be willing to be in therapy and away from romantic relationships for as long as it takes...I would estimate about two years.
***this is especially important if you ever want to have children. You still have a window of time to heal and get healthy...before your fertility begins to slow down, fairly rapidly....at about age 35. You do NOT want to give your children an alcoholic or addict as a parent. That will mess up your and their lives like you can't even believe!
5. Now is the time to focus on your New Career....and your own health.
to answer your question.....yes, I will bet my children's milk money that he will come around again....maybe, after another enabler drops him....
Be ready for it....and make yourself strong enough to avoid getting sucked back into the belly of the beast....
Here is the link to our "stickies" library of articles....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Trashpanda1989
I had started a relationship with him without ending my first one. A mistake I will deeply regret for the rest of my life.
The most we ever need do is take responsibility, learn, make amends and move forward. Life long self-recrimination about anything will not serve you, nor serve the people you love. I get it that you are owning up to your choice here and that's a good thing, but holding onto harsh self-judgement won't create a good relationship with anyone. You don't need to hold onto regret for the rest of your life - just take responsibility, make amends and then be the better person you've learned to be.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 17
Hi can't offer much advice just support. Agree with fallenangelina that you've done all you can and accepted responsibility. You can't go back in time, and if you hadn't made that mistake he'd use another as an excuse to drink. My AW wife is the same. She's left me with our 3 daughters to look after so I can't go No Contact but envy anyone who can. I would look for advice around NC. You deserve a clean break and a chance to move on
I wish you luck
I wish you luck
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it sounds like you still want him to "come back" - at least a part of you does.
closure is overrated and misunderstood. no one GIVES you closure. it's over when you say it's over. you are done when YOU are done. once you cross that threshold it will not matter what HE does. you will have the control, not him.
closure is overrated and misunderstood. no one GIVES you closure. it's over when you say it's over. you are done when YOU are done. once you cross that threshold it will not matter what HE does. you will have the control, not him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
it sounds like you still want him to "come back" - at least a part of you does.
closure is overrated and misunderstood. no one GIVES you closure. it's over when you say it's over. you are done when YOU are done. once you cross that threshold it will not matter what HE does. you will have the control, not him.
closure is overrated and misunderstood. no one GIVES you closure. it's over when you say it's over. you are done when YOU are done. once you cross that threshold it will not matter what HE does. you will have the control, not him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,611
Originally Posted by Trashpanda1989
Id be lying if I said I didn't. But I can't go back. Even if he did decide to come back. I just want to let go and not cry everyday and feel like my best wasn't good enough for this person ��
First of all - the obvious is he is an addict and he doesn't think like non-addicted people (that's a big subject in a nutshell). Even if he got sober tomorrow, you don't even know him truly sober and in recovery.
Secondly, what has it actually got to do with you and whether you are "good enough" or that your best wasn't? Maybe it is his addiction, maybe it is all the huge problems you have in your relationship, maybe it is the enabling parents, maybe it's all of those things. Maybe you are really not a good match at all.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Originally Posted by Trashpanda1989
Id be lying if I said I didn't. But I can't go back. Even if he did decide to come back. I just want to let go and not cry everyday and feel like my best wasn't good enough for this person 😪
The great news is that you have a new and fascinating distraction in your new career. Really, the timing couldn’t be better...new people, new challenges, new routines. Perfect, really.
As for your best not being good enough...if you mean for him to recover, you’re asking yourself to do the impossible. If loving an addict could cure them addiction would not exist. So stop that thought right there.
Turn that corner, go forth and kick ass, young woman. Your future awaits.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by trailmix
Why would you think that?
First of all - the obvious is he is an addict and he doesn't think like non-addicted people (that's a big subject in a nutshell). Even if he got sober tomorrow, you don't even know him truly sober and in recovery.
Secondly, what has it actually got to do with you and whether you are "good enough" or that your best wasn't? Maybe it is his addiction, maybe it is all the huge problems you have in your relationship, maybe it is the enabling parents, maybe it's all of those things. Maybe you are really not a good match at all.
First of all - the obvious is he is an addict and he doesn't think like non-addicted people (that's a big subject in a nutshell). Even if he got sober tomorrow, you don't even know him truly sober and in recovery.
Secondly, what has it actually got to do with you and whether you are "good enough" or that your best wasn't? Maybe it is his addiction, maybe it is all the huge problems you have in your relationship, maybe it is the enabling parents, maybe it's all of those things. Maybe you are really not a good match at all.
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Originally Posted by Trashpanda1989
When he sobers up I want him realize the permanent damage that has been done.
What if that never happens?
What if he sobers up and views the situation completely differently than you do?
Gently...as long as you’re staying fixated on him the more damage you’re doing to you.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
. I understand codependentcy and that he is a shell of a person he once was and that all is left is his addiction
doesnt seem like someone that understands codependency would be asking if a drunk will come back.
you can have closure when you stop putting terms/conditions on what closure is. its an internal thing. doesnt involve the other person.
When he sobers up I want him realize the permanent damage that has been done.
want in one and, **** in the other. see which fills up quicker.
hes free to do whatever he wants,feel how he wants, act how he wants.
if he doesnt realize it then thats his problem. you dont have control over him
doesnt seem like someone that understands codependency would be asking if a drunk will come back.
you can have closure when you stop putting terms/conditions on what closure is. its an internal thing. doesnt involve the other person.
When he sobers up I want him realize the permanent damage that has been done.
want in one and, **** in the other. see which fills up quicker.
hes free to do whatever he wants,feel how he wants, act how he wants.
if he doesnt realize it then thats his problem. you dont have control over him
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Trashpanda1989
. I just want to let go and not cry everyday and feel like my best wasn't good enough for this person 😪
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Panda......I think that is a pretty normal thing that lots of people feel, when they have just been really hurt by someone else....
The reason is, I believe, is, that, if someone can recognize that they have hurt us....it means that they have the ability to really "see" us as people with feelings and rights...and that they have capacity for some compassion for us....
In fact, it is not unusual for those who finally, diligently, work a program of Genuine recovery to be racked with feelings of guilt and shame. And, this can be very, very hard for them to face.
However, I am not talking about someone who just lets their alcohol blood level drop to zero for a little while...or who just "white knuckles" it, without any inner searching....as, that is not the kind of being "dry" that leads to changes in the alcoholic's thinking, attitude and behaviors.
The kind of genuine sobriety that leads to these kind of changes takes up to 1-2-3- or more years.
the way you have been treated...if you waited around for that to POSSIBLY happen....you could be just a shell of your own self.....
Anvill is right, I think...."closure" has been overblown in the popular culture...it doesn't often come about like we think or expect that it will. I think that the true closure comes about when we finally can accept that the thing did happen and that history doesn't reverse itself. As we go forward into our own future and experience the rewards of the new normal...the new life...those o ld thoughts fade from our minds.....we get new stuff, front in center....
The reason is, I believe, is, that, if someone can recognize that they have hurt us....it means that they have the ability to really "see" us as people with feelings and rights...and that they have capacity for some compassion for us....
In fact, it is not unusual for those who finally, diligently, work a program of Genuine recovery to be racked with feelings of guilt and shame. And, this can be very, very hard for them to face.
However, I am not talking about someone who just lets their alcohol blood level drop to zero for a little while...or who just "white knuckles" it, without any inner searching....as, that is not the kind of being "dry" that leads to changes in the alcoholic's thinking, attitude and behaviors.
The kind of genuine sobriety that leads to these kind of changes takes up to 1-2-3- or more years.
the way you have been treated...if you waited around for that to POSSIBLY happen....you could be just a shell of your own self.....
Anvill is right, I think...."closure" has been overblown in the popular culture...it doesn't often come about like we think or expect that it will. I think that the true closure comes about when we finally can accept that the thing did happen and that history doesn't reverse itself. As we go forward into our own future and experience the rewards of the new normal...the new life...those o ld thoughts fade from our minds.....we get new stuff, front in center....
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