Being the Second Priority, Regret, and Return
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by tomsteve 
then let go.
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
Originally Posted by Trashpanda1989
Never anything to back it up just empty promises of what I wanted to hear so I would stay.
Which is to say that it may truly be what he wanted. I also have great intentions on a lot of things! I'd like to lose 10 lbs but sitting here typing is just not cutting it (no, it's not a good plan if anyone is considering it, there is just not the calorie burn you would hope there might be).
Which is all to say and I'm sure you have read the posts here in the forum, most people (including alcoholics) would like to have all those things. Nice place to live, good job, happy relationship. None of those things are achievable when in active addiction (as you have also read here and have experienced).
So no, it's not all "fake" I'm sure and it has nothing to do with you personally.
Intentions are great, dreams are great, losing 10 lbs is great! But I will not be able to do that sitting here typing (unless I starve myself) and he will not be able to have any kind of ongoing meaningful relationship until such time as he chooses recovery.
In no way do I mean that you should hop back on that particular wagon by the way. As mentioned, none of those things are part of his life right now as they cannot be and no amount of trying, by you, can fix that.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Until he decided he hated me too much and blamed me and he just threw me away.
when WE use terms like "he threw me away" WE are telling ourselves we are disposable and of little worth. we need to change our vocabulary - less drama, more realism.
relationships END. period. one person or both decides it is no longer working for them. they might not do it with grace or tact. but they have simply ceased their engagement IN the relationship.
we are not dumped.
we are not thrown away.
often in dysfunctional relationships, there has been a lot of chaos and drama along the way. the "final" break up really is not a surprise or something one didn't see coming. it was actually over long long ago, we've just been trying to hang on to vapor trails.
when WE use terms like "he threw me away" WE are telling ourselves we are disposable and of little worth. we need to change our vocabulary - less drama, more realism.
relationships END. period. one person or both decides it is no longer working for them. they might not do it with grace or tact. but they have simply ceased their engagement IN the relationship.
we are not dumped.
we are not thrown away.
often in dysfunctional relationships, there has been a lot of chaos and drama along the way. the "final" break up really is not a surprise or something one didn't see coming. it was actually over long long ago, we've just been trying to hang on to vapor trails.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
Until he decided he hated me too much and blamed me and he just threw me away.
when WE use terms like "he threw me away" WE are telling ourselves we are disposable and of little worth. we need to change our vocabulary - less drama, more realism.
relationships END. period. one person or both decides it is no longer working for them. they might not do it with grace or tact. but they have simply ceased their engagement IN the relationship.
we are not dumped.
we are not thrown away.
often in dysfunctional relationships, there has been a lot of chaos and drama along the way. the "final" break up really is not a surprise or something one didn't see coming. it was actually over long long ago, we've just been trying to hang on to vapor trails.
when WE use terms like "he threw me away" WE are telling ourselves we are disposable and of little worth. we need to change our vocabulary - less drama, more realism.
relationships END. period. one person or both decides it is no longer working for them. they might not do it with grace or tact. but they have simply ceased their engagement IN the relationship.
we are not dumped.
we are not thrown away.
often in dysfunctional relationships, there has been a lot of chaos and drama along the way. the "final" break up really is not a surprise or something one didn't see coming. it was actually over long long ago, we've just been trying to hang on to vapor trails.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
Originally Posted by Trashpanda1989
I don't want it to be over. �� But it has to be at least for now. Is there any hope?
Some day, maybe, he will seek recovery.
First there is detox, which is actually quitting drinking, period, no more ever.
Second and this is the hard part. Recovery. This can take months or years, one, two, three years, it varies for people. There is a reason people drink to the point that they become alcoholics (generally) and generally it is used as a coping mechanism.
Depression, OCD, bi-polar, anxiety - to name a few, but it could be many things.
Once the person stops drinking they need to work on all those things. That's an inside job - with help from other addicts and professionals.
Do you want to wait around to see if someday maybe he chooses to get sober? You don't even know him as a sober person.
You stepped outside of your first relationship, you stepped outside this one. You seem to be looking outside yourself for validation. That's never a good move. Maybe it's time to spend some time by yourself, for yourself. Learn to like yourself and realize you are good just as you are, you don't need other people to approve of you to be good enough.
If nothing else, giving him time to make a choice to be in recovery, if he chooses to, would be doing him a favour. What he doesn't need right now is someone propping him up perhaps.
Is it going to hurt. Yes. dandylion calls it the short term pain for the long term gain, because it is. You won't always feel this bad, you can detach from him.
Give it time, be with yourself, your friends, your family. Be out in the world. Research self esteem and self worth. Read about loving yourself and really sit with that information. Seek therapy if you can. Read Codependent no more, work on you. You deserve a happy life.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
Go back and read your story. Now, what would you tell a friend if it was her story, not yours? You probably wouldn't tell her that he sounds like a catch.
Sometimes it is so hard to look at our lives objectively, but this is especially true when we are blinded by toxic love and the manipulations of an addict.
You deserve better. You do. You just need to believe it.
Sometimes it is so hard to look at our lives objectively, but this is especially true when we are blinded by toxic love and the manipulations of an addict.
You deserve better. You do. You just need to believe it.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,547
Originally Posted by Trashpanda1989
When he sobers up I want him realize the permanent damage that has been done.
Addict or not, whether it's deserved or not, waiting for apology, amends, contrition, may be a long wait. My first long term boyfriend never admitted nor apologized for dating other women, even while we lived together.
My alcoholic husband died without ever acknowledging the hurt he caused.
I was looking for a full time job after my husband died. I needed a full time job. My supervisor was telling customers at our business, and everyone else she came in contact with, that her staff was incompetent to do their jobs. I quit before my reputation was ruined. I didn't want to take the chance potential employers heard that. She never apologized. I'd bet if she was asked today, she would still rationalize her actions. She is a piece of work.
None of us go through life unscathed. The failings of friends, the betrayal of lovers, the passing of loved ones, reversals of fortune, employers or teachers who were unfair: we all experience those things.
I don't consider myself permanently damaged. I do consider myself permanently changed.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Trashpanda1989
When he sobers up I want him realize the permanent damage that has been done.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 319
Just a comment about closure. The concept came from Gestalt therapy, in which the philosophy was, to help put an end to “unfinished business”. For example, you’d have an empty chair, and maybe have a “conversation” with your parent, or whoever hurt you in the past, and that was supposed to symbolically help you put an end to past hurts.
It’s really gotten inflated and overused in pop psychology, like you can somehow cap off the grieving process, and put an end to certain undesirable feelings prematurely or something (you can’t). I’ve heard before what the concept of closure really does, is help you differentiate between “baggage” and “experience”. As in, if you’re still looking for “closure”, then you have baggage. :/
I think what you do during those times when you have space away from a person becomes very important. Hopefully do what you need to do for yourself, so if the person does come around again, you have enough self preservation, dignity and self respect to not go for another round (sometimes it takes getting burned more than once to really have it sink in).
The real “closure”, I think, is when you don’t really care anymore, and what the person is doing or not doing isn’t relevant to your own life anymore. It’s a process to get to that point, but it can be done.
It’s really gotten inflated and overused in pop psychology, like you can somehow cap off the grieving process, and put an end to certain undesirable feelings prematurely or something (you can’t). I’ve heard before what the concept of closure really does, is help you differentiate between “baggage” and “experience”. As in, if you’re still looking for “closure”, then you have baggage. :/
I think what you do during those times when you have space away from a person becomes very important. Hopefully do what you need to do for yourself, so if the person does come around again, you have enough self preservation, dignity and self respect to not go for another round (sometimes it takes getting burned more than once to really have it sink in).
The real “closure”, I think, is when you don’t really care anymore, and what the person is doing or not doing isn’t relevant to your own life anymore. It’s a process to get to that point, but it can be done.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
I don't want it to be over. 😭 But it has to be at least for now. Is there any hope?
so you WANT more pain,more chaos, more lies, abuse, distrust, jealousy, frustration, sadness??
so you WANT more pain,more chaos, more lies, abuse, distrust, jealousy, frustration, sadness??
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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TrashPanda…...please go back to my first post to you...and reread it carefully and try to take it to heart. At least, read the book that was recommended ("Co-deoendent No More")…..and, read an article, each day from the extensive library from the link that I gave you ……
When I said that grieving doesn't end in a flash...I wasn't kidding! It takes as long as it takes...ususally weeks to months...in various stages.
At first, just getting through one day can be a victory....then, one day, you realize that you haven't thought about him for a few hours....and, then, you will come to a point where you will not think about h im for one whole day....and, on and on....
You are gong through the short-term pain for the long term gain.....
You gave your "gifts" to someone who is not able to give the same, back, in return.....
He is not like you. He cannot give what he does not have...he cannot do what he is unable to do. Just because you think that he "should" doesn't mean that it is possible.
Alcoholism and the underlying psychological makeup can render a person incredibly selfish and insensitive to the needs and rights of another person.
If you were with another kind of person....your efforts might have been appreciated and returned in kind....
His treatment of you is not about YOU!
When I said that grieving doesn't end in a flash...I wasn't kidding! It takes as long as it takes...ususally weeks to months...in various stages.
At first, just getting through one day can be a victory....then, one day, you realize that you haven't thought about him for a few hours....and, then, you will come to a point where you will not think about h im for one whole day....and, on and on....
You are gong through the short-term pain for the long term gain.....
You gave your "gifts" to someone who is not able to give the same, back, in return.....
He is not like you. He cannot give what he does not have...he cannot do what he is unable to do. Just because you think that he "should" doesn't mean that it is possible.
Alcoholism and the underlying psychological makeup can render a person incredibly selfish and insensitive to the needs and rights of another person.
If you were with another kind of person....your efforts might have been appreciated and returned in kind....
His treatment of you is not about YOU!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
But as soon as I'm driving home my thoughts go to him and trying to understand why he treated me so badly when I tried to everything to make it work.
You want the person who hurt you the most to also be the one to fix your hurt and that’s just not how it’s going to go with an alcoholic.
Everyone heals from a loss of an important relationship but nobody heals from remaining in a toxic one.
Give yourself time to heal and keep up with the no contact.
No contact = no new hurts.
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TrashPanda….tood that you have your work to keep you detached...for at least part of the day. At onw time, when I went through a horrible...horrible...breakup....I became a workaholic, for a while....staying in my office until late at night, on most days....That was one of the things that got me through those early painful days.....
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Originally Posted by Trashpanda1989
No, I want it to be better. I haven't talked to him for two weeks. I have him blocked so I won't be tempted to contact him. It feels like eternity. I have been trying to focus on my new job and I started picking up more shifts at my third job. I feel like working temporarily eases the pain. But as soon as I'm driving home my thoughts go to him and trying to understand why he treated me so badly when I tried to everything to make it work.
It’s not nearly that simple for a thousand reasons, but the one that might help right now is that he literally has brain damage. Do a search on “brain scans alcoholics” and you will see there are actual areas of his brain that are just...gone.
Much of the behaviors you’d want in a partner...responsibility, kindness, generosity, love...are learned behaviors. They don’t really come with the operating system. It seems like much of the brain that is destroyed by severe alcoholism is where those learned behaviors were stored; all that’s left is survival skills...greed, deceit, addiction.
So it really doesn’t have anything to do with who YOU are. It isn’t that he doesn’t love YOU, it’s that he doesn’t LOVE...because he can’t anymore.
It isn’t you. It never has been.
It’s addiction.
Sending you a hug.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Let me try to give you a different thought, yes? I think you’re assuming that the math goes like this: great guy + alcoholism = nightmare, so therefore all he’d have to is subtract the alcohol, and voila!
It’s not nearly that simple for a thousand reasons, but the one that might help right now is that he literally has brain damage. Do a search on “brain scans alcoholics” and you will see there are actual areas of his brain that are just...gone.
Much of the behaviors you’d want in a partner...responsibility, kindness, generosity, love...are learned behaviors. They don’t really come with the operating system. It seems like much of the brain that is destroyed by severe alcoholism is where those learned behaviors were stored; all that’s left is survival skills...greed, deceit, addiction.
So it really doesn’t have anything to do with who YOU are. It isn’t that he doesn’t love YOU, it’s that he doesn’t LOVE...because he can’t anymore.
It isn’t you. It never has been.
It’s addiction.
Sending you a hug.
It’s not nearly that simple for a thousand reasons, but the one that might help right now is that he literally has brain damage. Do a search on “brain scans alcoholics” and you will see there are actual areas of his brain that are just...gone.
Much of the behaviors you’d want in a partner...responsibility, kindness, generosity, love...are learned behaviors. They don’t really come with the operating system. It seems like much of the brain that is destroyed by severe alcoholism is where those learned behaviors were stored; all that’s left is survival skills...greed, deceit, addiction.
So it really doesn’t have anything to do with who YOU are. It isn’t that he doesn’t love YOU, it’s that he doesn’t LOVE...because he can’t anymore.
It isn’t you. It never has been.
It’s addiction.
Sending you a hug.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
Originally Posted by Trashpanda1989
Thats a comforting way to put it. My mother told me not to cry because it's not like some other girl is going to get a better version of him. They won't get anymore than I got.
Despite whatever he said or screamed at you, no matter what he blamed on you, YOU are not and never were what his problem is.
He is an alcoholic and he probably has other underlying issues, that has exactly zero to do with you and zero to do with whomever he decides to blame next.
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I suggest reading your post out loud in order to really hear where you are focused. I was similarly mired in a very dysfunctional relationship with a sober alcoholic. It wasn't until I was confronted about what I was doing in Alanon that I was finally able to let go for good. Big hug!
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
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You are doing the right thing by not reaching out to him and focusing on you. You may never get your answers but thats ok, life doesn’t always go our way. I know you can’t see it now but you have a gift here, keep moving forward and don’t look back and it is ok to go through the breakup. Cry, get mad and in time you will be healed from it.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
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Update
His mother contacted me to tell me they gave him until the end of September to "get his act together" or he's kicked out of the house. I hope they follow through and stop enabling him so he can get better. I still haven't unblocked him and I haven't been staying at my apartment in the town where everything reminds me of him. I have been having dreams about him and I never dream. But they have been of hurtful things and betrayal. I constantly remind myself that there was nothing good left he made me feel bad about myself and that a relationship should be mutually supportive and fun. Not make you sad and insecure.pray for me. I still miss him like hell but HE broke up with ME .he did me a favor..there are lots of other guys out there that will treat me like a good person and recognize what a good partner I am.
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