Teehee

Things still haven't been back to normal. He went to AA last night. He needed to. It also gave me time in the evening to myself. We did the same old nightly routine and lights out. No issues. This morning he made coffee -- he makes great coffee. I pour a cup and join him in the living room. I noticed in the dining room he has an antique clock taken apart and I say something like wow -- no response. I sit back down in the living room and say I didn't know he knew how to fix an old clock. More silence.

This happens often. It's as if I'm not in the room and no words were ever spoken. He doesn't even look up at me to acknowledge I did indeed indeedmething. At least when we fight there is acknowledgment of me and that I've spoken. This may be the thing I hate most as he does it when things are good or bad.

LovePeaceSushi

Ah yes, another fun game!!!

The second you realize he's playing the silent game, I would put some headphones on and listen to a podcast or music. Don't make some theatrical thing out of it...just do it and carry on with your coffee or whatever you're doing. Don't engage!

Teehee

It's like he wants me to engage, or maybe im over analyzing. I'm in "my living room" now while he still sits in "his living room" and all I hear is him clearing his throat off and on.

Honestly, I would LOVE to engage! I'm tired of the bullsh*t! I'm so tired of being treated like I'm insignificant and my feelings are insignificant. I didn't do a darn thing to deserve this treatment! I want to yell, scream, jump up and down and make him hurt as bad as he has made me hurt over the last several days! I know thats ugly. I don't even have the capability to inflict the emotional harm he has on me. He would first have to CARE!

LovePeaceSushi

I know...I get it.....but that's part of the game, and the end result of the "game" is him yelling and losing his s*** on you. Now, for you, that's NOT fun.

It got to a point with my ex that I started yelling back. Then it started to get physical....him thumping me on the forehead (no marks left, not TOO violent), and escalating to grabbing my hair, blocking my path when I would try to exit the room, getting in my face, etc. When he grabbed my hair, I spit on him and threw out some choice expletives. That gave him permission to throw me down on the bed....see where I'm going here? When we lose OUR s***, it gives them permission to escalate theirs. You can't win this "game" unless you don't even play it.

Teehee

No worries...I'm fuming silently, but it p*sses me off.

mylifeismine

I got this treatment. I had a conversation with now RAH about
respect and disrespect and maturity. I did give him the same
treatment a few times before the conversation. Not saying it
will help for you, but it is what I did. I spoke about communication,
respect when I say something, and how healthy, mature couples
interact. And shared a little about how it made me feel, and if
he really didn't feel like conversing he should politely share that
need. The silent treatment is an act of hostile disrespect,
and very immature.

Dazedandconfus

The ultimate power play of devaluing and discard. Negating you as a person. Take the silence as a gift.

pdm22

“The Four Horseman” (of the apocalypse) is a metaphor used to predict the end of a relationship, stonewalling/ the silent treatment is one of them. There’s this video I watched a while back, and I agree with her, when someone behaves this way, the best thing to do is stop giving them attention:


https://youtu.be/xfHxFCLxllU

If you google stonewalling & the Four Horsemen, you’ll get a bunch of articles that come up as well, maybe the info will help..

mylifeismine

I brought it up to recognize the elephant in the room.
No more playing games, no more fuming in silence.
Saying what is and striving for change for what I want.
Speaking up for myself was very healthy for me, but
not easy. Gets easier though.

Awal

Just going back to the throat clearing thing...my AH does a lot of that especially at night.
is it a coincidence or is it connected with drinking?
l also get the silent treatment sometimes...its like he wants to block me out. I have no problem with that and l just go about my business 😁

Teehee

I gave him what he wanted, my silence. If he were to talk to me, I'd respond cheerfully, but he hasn't made an attempt to speak to me. Instead, he is now moping. There is no understanding that can be had to make sense of this behavior except control.

I noticed that when he came home yesterday from work he parked behind my car. This is unusual. We have an old home with parking in the rear, which is where he usually parks his car instead of in the front driveway and behind me. I see this as another power play. I can't go anywhere without first asking him to move his car. I had to ask him to move his car an hour ago, or tell me where he would like for me to move it, so I could go to the post office and buy stamps. After he moved his car I rolled down the window and said thank you -- no response. I said, "did you hear me"? That time he responded as if he couldn't hear me, but anyone who knows me would never call me soft spoken. I'm naturally loud and am often told I'm talking to loudly, even by my husband.
It's all crap. It's all a power trip, one that no one wins.

Why can't he recognize he has a good thing? Why can't he be happy with a normal relationship where there are few fights, great communication, and a lot of love?

dandylion

Teehee.....I remember, from my childhood, that my parents would sometimes use the "silent treatment" when at an impasse on something....sometimes, only one would go mute....or, other times, Both would go silent at the same time!
What I remember is how miserable we kids would be....even with the silence, the atmosphere was so tense, that, one could cut it with a knife....It felt so oppressive.....I hated that so much...and I will never forget it....it felt like a blck cloud over us kids, too.

I think that why it is so anger inducing in a partner, is , because, it is, basically such a Hostile act. A passive-aggressive Hostile act. Yes, it is considered one of the "Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse" (google Gottman)….and a form of stonewalling.
No wonder you hate it so, Teehee.

Please...please, keep telling your dv advocate every thing that you are telling us....she is in the position to offer you tangible help.....

You might try getting yourself one of those "adult" coloring books, along with some colored pencils...….as a way of keeping your mind detached.... it might help, some.....
And, while coloring the beautiful Mandelian patterns....you might listen to nature sounds, in your headphones....like "rain on a tin roof",,,,or sounds from a summer meadow", etc. You can find some great ones on youtube.
If he asks...you can always make up a cover story....Like,"I am going to frame these patterns and give as Christmas, and birthday gifts...."

TropicalWinter

Yes, totally another power play. This all makes me feel very uneasy for you.

Teehee

I don't feel good about it either. He parked there yesterday evening, took his hot rod out of the garage and used it to go to AA. He didn't need to have his car parked in front behind my car in order to get his hot rod out for use.

But, it effectively made sure I didn't go anywhere while he was gone, or today without his permission by moving his car.

LovePeaceSushi

I like the idea of the adult coloring books, dandylion!
Teehee, don't know if you're religious or not, but I have a journaling bible that has pages and things to color. I love it, and it also is one of those things that can't be picked apart and belittled. "There you go, coloring your Bible again!" - - haha, can you imagine that?

Ariesagain

Teehee

Last night he had taken the keys with him, but this morning he had placed them back on the key rack.

Ariesagain

Teehee

No, they didn't call me, so I called them around 3:30 giving plenty of time before my husband came home. I told them not to call after 4pm and not over the weekend but try on Monday.

Ariesagain