ISO help for son/punk/rocker/musician
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 4
ISO help for son/punk/rocker/musician
I have a 27 yr old son who has alcoholism in his family history on both sides. He is a true punk/rocknroller, if you know what that really means. His drinking, anxiety, pain from the past and now cocaine use is taking him under. He's not wanting a spiritual treatment and ONLY admits he has a problem when he's in deep **** with me as he lives with me. We don't have insurance. I am looking for likeminded for him to connect with and heal. HELP!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Hi and welcome Tracette 
you posted in our Forum Troubleshooting Forum so I moved your post here.
I know you'd do anythign to get your son free of addiction but its very difficult to get someone help when they don't think they have a problem most of the time.
I wasn't a punk but I was a young rock musician and I bought into all the partying and debauchery I thought went hand in hand with that career.
Eventually getting wasted became more important to me than the music and I lost what career I had.
Fortunately I found a moment of clarity and turned my life around.
I hope your son is smarter than I was and finds his moment of clarity sooner than I did.
You deserve support & understanding too in all of this, and you'll find a lot of hat here. I'm glad you've found us
D
you posted in our Forum Troubleshooting Forum so I moved your post here.
I know you'd do anythign to get your son free of addiction but its very difficult to get someone help when they don't think they have a problem most of the time.
I wasn't a punk but I was a young rock musician and I bought into all the partying and debauchery I thought went hand in hand with that career.
Eventually getting wasted became more important to me than the music and I lost what career I had.
Fortunately I found a moment of clarity and turned my life around.
I hope your son is smarter than I was and finds his moment of clarity sooner than I did.
You deserve support & understanding too in all of this, and you'll find a lot of hat here. I'm glad you've found us
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,631
Hi tracette and welcome, glad you found SR but sorry for what brings you here, of course.
First things first - you didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Sadly there is no one size fits all solution to addiction and sadly, generally, you have very little input as when someone is in the throes of addiction it is really their fight.
Probably the best thing to do for yourself right now is get as much knowledge as you can, and support of course. Right here at SR and perhaps check out Al-Anon meetings (support for you, not for the alcoholic/addict) in your area as well, face to face support can be really helpful.
Lots of good information in the "stickies" section at the top of the forum here too, this is a good place to start if you are interested:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
First things first - you didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Sadly there is no one size fits all solution to addiction and sadly, generally, you have very little input as when someone is in the throes of addiction it is really their fight.
Probably the best thing to do for yourself right now is get as much knowledge as you can, and support of course. Right here at SR and perhaps check out Al-Anon meetings (support for you, not for the alcoholic/addict) in your area as well, face to face support can be really helpful.
Lots of good information in the "stickies" section at the top of the forum here too, this is a good place to start if you are interested:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
If resources are limited, you son may have to get help somewhere like AA or NA, which believes in a "Higher Power".....or he doesn't. It just depends on if he wants help or not. Where there is a will, there is a way.
For you, start reading up on codependency. There is a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie....that is a good place to start. Read the stickies on here, and read past posts. There is a wealth of information and support here on Friends and Family. Lastly, HUGS. I know it's heartbreaking to see someone you love destroying their life with drugs and alcohol.
For you, start reading up on codependency. There is a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie....that is a good place to start. Read the stickies on here, and read past posts. There is a wealth of information and support here on Friends and Family. Lastly, HUGS. I know it's heartbreaking to see someone you love destroying their life with drugs and alcohol.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Tracette…...as a mother who has had an adult son with a drinking problem...who "lived" in our family home, at one time, while he was still drinking.....this is where I am coming from when I make my comments....
At 27yrs., I am assuming that he is breaking house rules and is there, primarily, to make his life more comfortable and "doable', than contributing to the family as his main motivation.
I suggest that the main change in your relationship, with him, will have to come from you. And, you will have to get guidance from those who are experienced and know what they are doing. You are going to need a lot of support for yourself....and, I mean face to face....because this is going to be harder on you than it will be on him! It will be a marathon...not a sprint...and, you are going to have some powerful boundaries...consistent boundaries...or, you will suffer mightily.....
I once knew a psychologist who worked in a social services agency that dealt with families that had teens and young adults...he, himself, was a recovering alcoholic, of many years. He told me that no child, of any age, gets sober or clean, living in their parents home.....
from all that I have experienced and seen...I must say..that I have never seen his statement be untrue...…
I know very little information, from just your post...and,there are a lot of questions...so, I can make no specific comments or suggestions....
However, I can make some general comments....
1. There are atheist AA and NA meetings. He can, also find some meetings, online. SR also has a sections for those with drug abuse and secular methods for addiction (non 12 step).
For the record...AA and NA are not religious organizations....although there is reference to a "higher power"...whatever that means for an individual.
2. If he has any co-occurring conditions...which is very common among all addicts....he will need to be evaluated and treated by a professional, in addition to a program for abstainence. Conditions like undiagnosed Adult ADHD (very common)...and various anxiety disorders and depression.....stc. there is a long list.
3. If he has grown up in a family where alcoholism, addiction....or DYSFUNCTION due to any reason...then, I suggest that you get the literature on "Adult Children of Alcoholics--and dysfunctional families". You will find a lot of books on this organization and subject. ACOA is a group that he might relate to and not be resistant to. The literature--the books...I propose, would be enormously helpful for both you and him to read. You can get them on amazon.com.
4. It would be a good idea for you to go to a few "open" AA or NA meetings, yourself, as an observer. You are allowed to go as a visitor to any meetings that are marker as "open meetings". It can be an eyeopener, if you have never gone....
5. Alanon would be one source of face to face support for you....as well as ACOA meetings, if you, yourself grew up in a home with alcoholism or any kind of dysfunction....
6. I suggest that, since you have no insurance, that you contact your local County Government....you can find them on the internet...and, make an appointment with a social worker, there. It wont cost you. Your county will have some programs for those suffering from addictions as well as their families. The social worker will know all of the details of what is available for you and your son.....
7. You will have to be strong, and willing to learn and willing to make changes....some of which, may be hard for you to do...
Knowledge is power.
At 27yrs., I am assuming that he is breaking house rules and is there, primarily, to make his life more comfortable and "doable', than contributing to the family as his main motivation.
I suggest that the main change in your relationship, with him, will have to come from you. And, you will have to get guidance from those who are experienced and know what they are doing. You are going to need a lot of support for yourself....and, I mean face to face....because this is going to be harder on you than it will be on him! It will be a marathon...not a sprint...and, you are going to have some powerful boundaries...consistent boundaries...or, you will suffer mightily.....
I once knew a psychologist who worked in a social services agency that dealt with families that had teens and young adults...he, himself, was a recovering alcoholic, of many years. He told me that no child, of any age, gets sober or clean, living in their parents home.....
from all that I have experienced and seen...I must say..that I have never seen his statement be untrue...…
I know very little information, from just your post...and,there are a lot of questions...so, I can make no specific comments or suggestions....
However, I can make some general comments....
1. There are atheist AA and NA meetings. He can, also find some meetings, online. SR also has a sections for those with drug abuse and secular methods for addiction (non 12 step).
For the record...AA and NA are not religious organizations....although there is reference to a "higher power"...whatever that means for an individual.
2. If he has any co-occurring conditions...which is very common among all addicts....he will need to be evaluated and treated by a professional, in addition to a program for abstainence. Conditions like undiagnosed Adult ADHD (very common)...and various anxiety disorders and depression.....stc. there is a long list.
3. If he has grown up in a family where alcoholism, addiction....or DYSFUNCTION due to any reason...then, I suggest that you get the literature on "Adult Children of Alcoholics--and dysfunctional families". You will find a lot of books on this organization and subject. ACOA is a group that he might relate to and not be resistant to. The literature--the books...I propose, would be enormously helpful for both you and him to read. You can get them on amazon.com.
4. It would be a good idea for you to go to a few "open" AA or NA meetings, yourself, as an observer. You are allowed to go as a visitor to any meetings that are marker as "open meetings". It can be an eyeopener, if you have never gone....
5. Alanon would be one source of face to face support for you....as well as ACOA meetings, if you, yourself grew up in a home with alcoholism or any kind of dysfunction....
6. I suggest that, since you have no insurance, that you contact your local County Government....you can find them on the internet...and, make an appointment with a social worker, there. It wont cost you. Your county will have some programs for those suffering from addictions as well as their families. The social worker will know all of the details of what is available for you and your son.....
7. You will have to be strong, and willing to learn and willing to make changes....some of which, may be hard for you to do...
Knowledge is power.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I’m wondering if your son is familiar with the “straight-edge” movement/community in rock/punk/alternative circles? This was something started in the 1970s by the original punks who had gotten tired of the drugs & violence scene at contents. Being straight-edge means you don’t drink or use drugs or engage in violence/fighting - but you’re still into the music and the scene and still punk as eff. I”m sure you can find plenty of straight-edge groups and info online if you live anywhere near a big city, and it might be more “relatable” for your son than AA.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Sasha1972 
I’m wondering if your son is familiar with the “straight-edge” movement/community in rock/punk/alternative circles? This was something started in the 1970s by the original punks who had gotten tired of the drugs & violence scene at contents. Being straight-edge means you don’t drink or use drugs or engage in violence/fighting - but you’re still into the music and the scene and still punk as eff. I”m sure you can find plenty of straight-edge groups and info online if you live anywhere near a big city, and it might be more “relatable” for your son than AA.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Sasha1972
I’m wondering if your son is familiar with the “straight-edge” movement/community in rock/punk/alternative circles? This was something started in the 1970s by the original punks who had gotten tired of the drugs & violence scene at contents. Being straight-edge means you don’t drink or use drugs or engage in violence/fighting - but you’re still into the music and the scene and still punk as eff. I”m sure you can find plenty of straight-edge groups and info online if you live anywhere near a big city, and it might be more “relatable” for your son than AA.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Tracette…..I wonder if it is possible that your son could have aspbergers or severe social anxiety disorder....or, some such condition......these conditions can have a genetic predisposition.....I am not saying this is necessarily true, but I think it is worth exploring....because people will often self medicate …..
this is why I suggested that he be seen by a professional who can explore or diagnose if a co-occurring condition exists.....
It is common to become an enabler without realizing it.....and, "protection" by enabling can sure hobble a person.....
I expect that this is going to take a lot of work by yourself and your son...as well as the help of the proper professionals and support groups....
Lots of changes....and, you will have to be the Captain of the Ship...and take the wheel.....at, least, in the beginning.....
If you dn't...this can go on for decades, or for a lifetime...and, it just seems wrong for you to live like that.....
this is why I suggested that he be seen by a professional who can explore or diagnose if a co-occurring condition exists.....
It is common to become an enabler without realizing it.....and, "protection" by enabling can sure hobble a person.....
I expect that this is going to take a lot of work by yourself and your son...as well as the help of the proper professionals and support groups....
Lots of changes....and, you will have to be the Captain of the Ship...and take the wheel.....at, least, in the beginning.....
If you dn't...this can go on for decades, or for a lifetime...and, it just seems wrong for you to live like that.....
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
The problem with financially supporting your kids after a certain point is that it can reinforces the idea in their heads that they can't live on their own, and it can inadvertently drive them deeper into the funk. Speaking from my own experience, my mother actually once offered to buy me a larger engagement ring so I wouldn't be "so embarrassed" by the one my husband bought me. I can assure you I shut that idea down very quickly. That offer of help could have really screwed around with my head if I let it.
My parents actually took out a loan to pay a portion of my sister's down payment which they are still paying off today. They take care of her children during the days she has custody. I'm sure she continues to take drugs just to deal with the shame of having to turn to my parents constantly, even though she barely speaks to them.
On a side note, there was an article about musicians kicking addiction not too long ago...
5 sober Minnesota musicians on kicking addiction and rediscovering creativity | City Pages
My parents actually took out a loan to pay a portion of my sister's down payment which they are still paying off today. They take care of her children during the days she has custody. I'm sure she continues to take drugs just to deal with the shame of having to turn to my parents constantly, even though she barely speaks to them.
On a side note, there was an article about musicians kicking addiction not too long ago...
5 sober Minnesota musicians on kicking addiction and rediscovering creativity | City Pages
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