Recovery is selfish

Old 08-22-2019, 02:58 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Tell an addict no and see what happens.

I still see him betraying his real interests and intentions linguistically.

He said “I have tried to demonstrate to you my commitment to sobriety.”

That isn’t “I am committed to my sobriety no matter what you do or don’t do.”

The first statement is about a show where your response—taking him back— is the purpose.

In the second statement, seeking recovery no matter what you do or don’t is the purpose. He isn’t saying that. His implicit threat of leaving the area, not staying in recovery all put the burden of his staying sober squarely on your shoulders.

That’s unfair and it simply won’t work.

His angry actions now confirm what he was really after and you said no.

You are making the right call for you most of all, but also this gives him the responsibility and opportunity to get out of his comfort zone and truly embrace recovery.

He may, or may not. Up to now it has been a demonstration, and his actions inconsistent and inauthentic. That’s my take. What’s your gut tell you about his motives based on his actions?
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Old 08-22-2019, 03:10 PM
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Same Hawkeye. The "ive been trying to demonstrate to you" line was a huge red flag to me this morning. That is why I simply said I understand and left the room. Him moving 1200 miles away, might be true, his FOO would be the ones he would be going to, although hes not real keen on that as he says " Ill have to return with my tail between my legs...". And again, after responding to his question and comment about not wanting to say his commitment to our marriage is something he wont give up on....it once again proves to me that only his needs, his concerns, and his "vows" matter when he is comfortable. Pressure from me now to get MY needs addressed is causing a temper tantrum. So im in my art room, reading SR, writing, and browsing codependent recovery links on pinterest. So glad you showed up. Hope your well and happy.
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Old 08-22-2019, 08:39 PM
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Dandylion used to say (and some thought it was too harsh - not me!) that people that are new to recovery, like your Husband, should be sent off to Peru (I think it was Peru) can't remember if there were Monks involved.

Anyway, I always thought this was a brilliant idea because of just what you are going through.

You have expectations here. Just like having expectations of an alcoholic are folly, expectations of a newly-maybe-might-reach some kind of recovery person is folly too.

Sending them off the the monastery would be kindness.

In most/many cases, alcohol for an alcoholic is an escape. Sad, how about a drink? Wife mad at you for not mowing the lawn - again, how about a drink? Mom has alzheimers, a drink. Stress at work, long hours, a drink will numb that pain in the ***.

Newly recovering alcoholics are as difficult to deal with as full blown alcoholics in many cases.

If they would just quit drinking, I could have my Husband/Wife back.

Well no, it doesn't work that way. While they may not have had a complete personality change, they have now been alcoholics for X number of years. That changes a person. You can't have person A be an alcoholic for 15 years and expect them to be the same because they put the bottle down, doesn't work like that. While you have been going through whatever you have been going through, they have been going through something else on their side as well. It changes people.

To top all that off, what about coping skills. Pretend someone took away all of yours today, all that you have learned about coping and replaced it with alcohol. How would you cope? Probably not well, it would be like being in a foreign land not speaking the language. I imagine it's like that quitting alcohol that you have used for years to cope, just in reverse.

Yes, they can learn the tools but it takes time. It all takes time and your Husband is not there.

Send him to the mountains!

Short of that, have realistic expectations perhaps. He has a long way to go and right now he is using the few tools he has. Pity, threats, manipulation etc

I'm going to guess he doesn't know if he is coming or going right now. You said it, recovery IS selfish. He isn't past that.

This is not a plea for you to pity him, not at all, that is all his side of the street. I hate to see you keep getting hurt, perhaps your expectations need to be incredibly low right now, realistically?
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Old 08-22-2019, 09:37 PM
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^^^^^It is Nepal....monestary in the mountains of Nepal, for one year....to work exclusively on sobriety....
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Old 08-22-2019, 09:39 PM
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Right, Nepal - ty dandylion!
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Old 08-23-2019, 02:06 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Dandylion used to say (and some thought it was too harsh - not me!) that people that are new to recovery, like your Husband, should be sent off to Peru (I think it was Peru) can't remember if there were Monks involved.

Anyway, I always thought this was a brilliant idea because of just what you are going through.

You have expectations here. Just like having expectations of an alcoholic are folly, expectations of a newly-maybe-might-reach some kind of recovery person is folly too.

Sending them off the the monastery would be kindness.

In most/many cases, alcohol for an alcoholic is an escape. Sad, how about a drink? Wife mad at you for not mowing the lawn - again, how about a drink? Mom has alzheimers, a drink. Stress at work, long hours, a drink will numb that pain in the ***.

Newly recovering alcoholics are as difficult to deal with as full blown alcoholics in many cases.

If they would just quit drinking, I could have my Husband/Wife back.

Well no, it doesn't work that way. While they may not have had a complete personality change, they have now been alcoholics for X number of years. That changes a person. You can't have person A be an alcoholic for 15 years and expect them to be the same because they put the bottle down, doesn't work like that. While you have been going through whatever you have been going through, they have been going through something else on their side as well. It changes people.

To top all that off, what about coping skills. Pretend someone took away all of yours today, all that you have learned about coping and replaced it with alcohol. How would you cope? Probably not well, it would be like being in a foreign land not speaking the language. I imagine it's like that quitting alcohol that you have used for years to cope, just in reverse.

Yes, they can learn the tools but it takes time. It all takes time and your Husband is not there.

Send him to the mountains!

Short of that, have realistic expectations perhaps. He has a long way to go and right now he is using the few tools he has. Pity, threats, manipulation etc

I'm going to guess he doesn't know if he is coming or going right now. You said it, recovery IS selfish. He isn't past that.

This is not a plea for you to pity him, not at all, that is all his side of the street. I hate to see you keep getting hurt, perhaps your expectations need to be incredibly low right now, realistically?
thank you for the reality check. Yes, no expectations is prolly best.
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Old 08-23-2019, 07:34 AM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post


Send him to the mountains!
HEY!!! I live in the mountains and I really don't want them here either!

Although I guess you did say Nepal. I don't live there although I'm guessing the Nepalese wouldn't be very happy to have them either.
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Old 08-23-2019, 10:41 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways View Post
HEY!!! I live in the mountains and I really don't want them here either!

Although I guess you did say Nepal. I don't live there although I'm guessing the Nepalese wouldn't be very happy to have them either.
they are not fit for beast nor man...
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