ugh.

that sounds like quite the adventure. Thank you for the insights anvil.

got to get out somehow. Have some antique stores I enjoy browsing, take myself out to lunch and immerse in some good books and cooking some delish food. Ciao Bella! ❤️

So the saga continues. This morning after his mtg, AH says “let me take you to this awesome place. (My fav). I tell him he might not feel like that after today, final papers for signature will be here. He becomes rigid, says I have tried to demonstrate to you my commitment to sobriety. I say good, I hope you do it for the rest of your life. His response was “well....”. Kinda like unsure. I say if we have marriage problems we cannot address those until we are both in serious recovery. He says he cannot live with in between. That he has a place he can go to. Short term he says he might stick around, but he has no interest in staying here in this area without me. He doesn’t see how we can work in our problems with him 1200 miles away. He asks me what I think. I try to tell him that in my world I have given my life over to god and cannot write his script for him. What I wanted is him to say, ok, I will work on this separated with a view to reconcile. But he didn’t. I ask him if he understands why I have to do this. He says yes you’re afraid of liability. And I say yes, but also emotional pain I cannot go thru that anymore. He continues to try to explain I say you don’t need to explain I understand and leave the room. He leaves for treatment and I’m numb. My AH is a good man with a terrible problem and I feel terrible about all this. And then he texts me this:


I kno your ending script includes a statement from me to the effect that I will never give up on our marriage no matter what. As much as I would love to think that way my pea brain can’t reconcile that with your position of wanting out.

I wanted to hear your thoughts trail....for once I’m telling him what I need to be happy. This is his chance to demonstrate as he says that his professed love is true. My turn to be the difficult one. My turn to put emotional screws to him. That’s not my true intent, my true intent is for my recovery! This is the first step to that. How he responds, as you state, is his side. I get it.

yes recovery first for both of us. I may not be good at communicating my thoughts and feelings in the written word ( I can write other things just not my own), but I am NOT using this divorce as a manipulation. Yes I get upset when he says he’s gonna leave; he’s been pouring on the niceties and I still love this man; yes I get upset when he doesn’t leave because I see the manipulation. This is an emotional upheaval for me. NOTHING is emotionally stable for me right now, thus the need for me to be in serious recovery, That is what I told him in a separate text. I need to be in recovery. The statement I’m telling him what I need to be happy was a sentence I wrote after I texted him a response to his text about the ending script. It was a reference to a text I wrote privately to him. I’m muddling thru Anvil, and I do so appreciate the accountability and mental checks you consistently hold up for me to assess. Hugs...❤️

In addition I just want to say that the majority of our relationship was me focused on his needs. I stated a need and what I hoped for when he asked me ( in a separate text). To my mind, my needs and wants are important too. Commitment works both ways....I get it. His love and commitment for me only works if he is comfortable. If he has to go out of his comfort zone, then he takes his toys and goes away. His choice. I get it and it hurts... His way, all the way, or nothing at all. That doesn’t work for me anymore, as I explained to him earlier that this last fiasco changed me.

nows the time for him to have to do more than throw the word sobriety around. Anvil, you brought that to my attention when you said all they think they have to do is throw the word sobriety around and they are back in...not. This, time.

This is what has caused me so much unhappiness. Always looking outside myself for happiness. Expecting others to met those needs and thinking I could only get them if I gave of myself to the point of breaking. I have asked for my needs to be met to someone I gave too much to. He has said no. this is the lesson that finally sunk into my thick skull. You cannot give of yourself to the point of breaking hoping others will respond in kind. Lesson learned.

This is what has caused me so much unhappiness. Always looking outside myself for happiness. Expecting others to met those needs and thinking I could only get them if I gave of myself to the point of breaking. I have asked for my needs to be met to someone I gave too much to. He has said no. this is the lesson that finally sunk into my thick skull. You cannot give of yourself to the point of breaking hoping others will respond in kind. Lesson learned.

he took some boxes in the car this morning before he left for treatment. He said he has a place to go. He might very well be moving in there now. This could be him blowing his top. Thank you for being here with me this hurts so bad.

Not sure what’s hurting about this. I’m taking care of myself first that shouldn’t hurt.

sometimes when you win, you lose.

This is the text I sent him in response to his question. When he got back from treatment he’s mad. Won’t talk. Stomping around. Not answering his questions again.


This is what I need. This recovery of ourselves and our marriage is what I need. I respect and accept it if that does not align with your wants and needs.