My father passed after a lot of suffering
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 194
My father passed after a lot of suffering
After a long 2 1/2 years following a massive stroke, my father passed away last week. He never really had motivation to participate in therapy due to poor results initially. He was at his home with my stepmother the last 2 years, with 2 week respites at rehabs so my stepmother had a rest from caregiving. He was in bed the whole time, his left side completely paralyzed. She did a great job caring for him, and he was cognitively intact until the last 6 months. He was put on hospice at that time.
I've gone to visit usually every 2 weeks on average for those two years. They lived 2 hours from my home, so I did what I could since I was finishing an academic program then working, and dealing with AH being in rehab the last year, and the parenting solo with one son. Before AH's alcoholism came to light, I would go more like every week to see them. I helped where I could, ordering supplies, a certain wheelchair, certain rehab tools for keeping his R side strong. They were independent though, esp. stepmom, and they had put my brothers and I out of their lives the last 6 years or so. We always initiated any contact; my father had a grudge with one brother over something to do with scheduling Christmas. My father always felt unloved or something by his kids after he divorced my mother in the 80's. Stepmom had an alcoholic mother and was partially raised in foster care. They both fed off each other's issues.
My dad died last Tue. night, and stepmom had a caregiver notify us the next morning. I had last visited 13 days before that, and the week before that, and it seemed like he might hold on for quite some time. I could see the decline, and yet he would rally and eat again. He was down to maybe 120 lbs, skin and bone, but we still joked. My stepmom always said she would send a text of "911" if she could tell he was near the end. I feel a lot of guilt that i didn't return in the last 13 days before he died. He was not able to talk well on the phone, so I sent my stepmom a text to please tell him we were thinking of him and loved him one day before he died. I hope she told him. He had not eaten nor drank for several days, and I wish she'd have told us. Her own bio daughter was there, so it seems they knew something was up, but maybe not. She and her bio daughter did go to the funeral home together and make all arrangements before we got there Wednesday. She also said "you wouldn't have wanted to see him like that; it made me sick", which tells me again that she knew the end was near. Couldn't she have kept his body a few hours at home so that we could say goodbye is what I wonder. My brothers and I spoke at the funeral. The funeral director (also his caregiver, we had no idea who she was, only that my brother found her on Care.com)--well, we were told two days before the funeral when we all were at stepmom's that caregiver would start off the graveside service. There was nothing other than a graveside service. We were like "okay, who is this caregiver lady and why would she start this off?". We didn't say it like that, but we asked how she would start, what she'd say, so that we could plan what we'd say. Stepmom came back in the room angrily saying "caregiver is smart, she's a chaplain, she works for the funeral home"...all a surprise to us. We catered lunch at their home after the service. This caregiver's boss said at the end of the service "we pray for stepmom, stepmom's bio daughter (I guess since she was there when her mom paid for the casket), and deceased's children. Kind of insensitive not to mention our names, but whatever.
I'm sorry this is so long. The weekend before my dad died, I didn't go see him because I'd just discovered AH was tampering with Soberlink and had no help with DS while needing to work Sat.. I was depressed and overwhelmed by it. Thanks for listening. I am glad my dad is no longer suffering, it was awful.
I've gone to visit usually every 2 weeks on average for those two years. They lived 2 hours from my home, so I did what I could since I was finishing an academic program then working, and dealing with AH being in rehab the last year, and the parenting solo with one son. Before AH's alcoholism came to light, I would go more like every week to see them. I helped where I could, ordering supplies, a certain wheelchair, certain rehab tools for keeping his R side strong. They were independent though, esp. stepmom, and they had put my brothers and I out of their lives the last 6 years or so. We always initiated any contact; my father had a grudge with one brother over something to do with scheduling Christmas. My father always felt unloved or something by his kids after he divorced my mother in the 80's. Stepmom had an alcoholic mother and was partially raised in foster care. They both fed off each other's issues.
My dad died last Tue. night, and stepmom had a caregiver notify us the next morning. I had last visited 13 days before that, and the week before that, and it seemed like he might hold on for quite some time. I could see the decline, and yet he would rally and eat again. He was down to maybe 120 lbs, skin and bone, but we still joked. My stepmom always said she would send a text of "911" if she could tell he was near the end. I feel a lot of guilt that i didn't return in the last 13 days before he died. He was not able to talk well on the phone, so I sent my stepmom a text to please tell him we were thinking of him and loved him one day before he died. I hope she told him. He had not eaten nor drank for several days, and I wish she'd have told us. Her own bio daughter was there, so it seems they knew something was up, but maybe not. She and her bio daughter did go to the funeral home together and make all arrangements before we got there Wednesday. She also said "you wouldn't have wanted to see him like that; it made me sick", which tells me again that she knew the end was near. Couldn't she have kept his body a few hours at home so that we could say goodbye is what I wonder. My brothers and I spoke at the funeral. The funeral director (also his caregiver, we had no idea who she was, only that my brother found her on Care.com)--well, we were told two days before the funeral when we all were at stepmom's that caregiver would start off the graveside service. There was nothing other than a graveside service. We were like "okay, who is this caregiver lady and why would she start this off?". We didn't say it like that, but we asked how she would start, what she'd say, so that we could plan what we'd say. Stepmom came back in the room angrily saying "caregiver is smart, she's a chaplain, she works for the funeral home"...all a surprise to us. We catered lunch at their home after the service. This caregiver's boss said at the end of the service "we pray for stepmom, stepmom's bio daughter (I guess since she was there when her mom paid for the casket), and deceased's children. Kind of insensitive not to mention our names, but whatever.
I'm sorry this is so long. The weekend before my dad died, I didn't go see him because I'd just discovered AH was tampering with Soberlink and had no help with DS while needing to work Sat.. I was depressed and overwhelmed by it. Thanks for listening. I am glad my dad is no longer suffering, it was awful.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
I'm sorry clarity, none of that is easy.
Step families, I'm glad I never had to deal with that personally. I know it all goes well sometimes and I don't know if that is the exception but in many cases I'm sure it doesn't go well. Possessiveness, jealousies etc.
Regardless, you are his Daughter, that is a bond that has nothing to do with her, nothing to do with her Daughter or any of the other people, that's just the truth. Nothing and no one can change that.
He obviously knew you cared, like you said, even in the state he was in he would joke with you etc, he knew.
Always remember (and I know people can overlook this especially initially), your parents love and loved you, they may not have expressed it sometimes. The stepmother was important to him I'm sure, as was her Daughter on some level. This (despite their behaviour) has nothing to do with the relationship you had with your Father.
Anyway, you have had so much on your plate. I hope you will take extra good care of yourself right now.
Step families, I'm glad I never had to deal with that personally. I know it all goes well sometimes and I don't know if that is the exception but in many cases I'm sure it doesn't go well. Possessiveness, jealousies etc.
Regardless, you are his Daughter, that is a bond that has nothing to do with her, nothing to do with her Daughter or any of the other people, that's just the truth. Nothing and no one can change that.
He obviously knew you cared, like you said, even in the state he was in he would joke with you etc, he knew.
Always remember (and I know people can overlook this especially initially), your parents love and loved you, they may not have expressed it sometimes. The stepmother was important to him I'm sure, as was her Daughter on some level. This (despite their behaviour) has nothing to do with the relationship you had with your Father.
Anyway, you have had so much on your plate. I hope you will take extra good care of yourself right now.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I’m sorry for your loss and that you are troubled by the circumstances.
You know, your stepmother may have thought she was doing you a favor by not having to see the end stages or his body. I saw my father four weeks before he died (I live 2500 miles away) and honestly, I don’t mind at all that I didn’t see him dying or dead. He was barely coherent when I did see him. All he wanted then and to the end was to be with my mom, and that’s okay.
If what you’re struggling with most is guilt, I hope you’ll be kind to yourself. You did what you could. As for your stepmother, she was probably completely worn out after two and a half years and not thinking very clearly. She may be struggling with her own emotions and feeling guilty because she is no doubt feeling some relief. It would be only human.
Your father is at peace now. I hope you can find your own peace in that.
Sending you a hug.
You know, your stepmother may have thought she was doing you a favor by not having to see the end stages or his body. I saw my father four weeks before he died (I live 2500 miles away) and honestly, I don’t mind at all that I didn’t see him dying or dead. He was barely coherent when I did see him. All he wanted then and to the end was to be with my mom, and that’s okay.
If what you’re struggling with most is guilt, I hope you’ll be kind to yourself. You did what you could. As for your stepmother, she was probably completely worn out after two and a half years and not thinking very clearly. She may be struggling with her own emotions and feeling guilty because she is no doubt feeling some relief. It would be only human.
Your father is at peace now. I hope you can find your own peace in that.
Sending you a hug.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
So sorry for your loss and the circumstances around it. If you can take any solace at least he was being genuinely cared for and knew you were there for him. My dad died on his own and wasn't found for days. Your dad is finally at peace and whether you believe in science or religion both prove that our loved ones go back to the essence, spirit, atoms of who they used to be. Take care of yourself sweetheart. Surround yourself around the smiling, laughing people. The ones who will give hugs without needing to be asked.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 194
Thank you all for your words. You are right; I take solace that he was truly cared for, and that he was with my stepmom, as he wanted to be. Aries, you're definitely spot on that stepmom was not able to think clearly when this all happened. I can't blame her for not calling us sooner. I've thanked her many times for all she has done, and will continue to do so--I will look out for her. She's lost so much weight and knows she has to focus on getting her health back. I hope she can, because this has worn her down and broken her heart. I'm sorry for the circumstances surrounding your own father's death, Milano. That is really hard. I guess we are never really ready for a parent's death, although in my case, I know that I grieved the loss of my dad mostly before his actual death. This is because he lost everything that gave him any quality of life long before that. Again, thank you all, friends. I am glad to have this safe place to talk and such supportive people as yourselves in my life.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Clarity, I am so very sorry for your loss. I am betting that he knew he was loved by you, and that is what counts. I have definitely learned that death in families brings out some very different behaviors and some very different opinions. I was at my moms house over the weekend and she has this lovely little area with a bench, windchimes, nice plants and a memory pathway stone and she calls this her memory area for her sister she lost. She told me she goes there and sits and thinks about her sister and their good times, and honors her memory. I thought that was lovely. Maybe that is something that would help bring you peace as well? Just a thought.
Sending you huge hugs friend.
Sending you huge hugs friend.
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