milltwngrl

Well - I am new to this forum - I found it while browsing the web this weekend. After 8 years of being married to an A I finally had enough when I came home from work last Friday and he was drunk. I told him he had to leave, this was the hardest thing I have EVER had to do in my life. Watching him walk out just about killed me - I am over run with guilt (even though I know I did nothing) - but can't get it out of my head. I know as time goes on that the guilt should lessen ( and I certainly hope it does). My A has been though a lot of things to try and quit the drink but nothing ever seemed to work. He lost his drivers license 7 years ago, went to prison for 10 months on felony DUI (had to many of them) 7 years ago also. In the past 4 years it has been battle after battle between us stories that I could just go on and on about but I won't. This past year since January has been the worst, I left him for three days - then came back, he drank - then checked himself into the detox center, then a rehab for 30 days. While he was gone to the detox and rehab it was probably the best I felt in a long time, no worries about if he's drinking, not having to hide everything in the house, it was like living a normal life. Then came the day that he was to be released and yes I took him back. I heard all the promises I have heard before but I thought this might be different this time - he seemed so sincere. He came home in March, lost his job, and has not been working, has not been going to meetings, has not gotten any sort of counseling. This is now July 1 - in that time period he drank 3 times. I let the first time go (thinking well, it was a slip) now I know better. I had called his sister on Friday night and told her to come and get him - he had to leave the house. He didn't really fight it - he knew I was serious, but I don't think he actually realizes exactly what has happened here. He called me last night and when I asked him why he didn't take hardly any clothes with him - his reposnse was "well, I have to come back anyway" and I said to this house and he said yes - until I find somewhere to live. I told him he can not caome back here. He asked if he could ever come baxk and I told him I can't see the future and aI can't answer that right now. Even if he gets the help he desperately needs - I don't know if I could take him back. I can't go though this all over again. Don't know if I could ever trust him. Well I think I've rambled on enough for now. Just wanted to vent a little - I feel terrible about what I did, I hope it gets better - I'm confused and very sad that my marraige may be over. Thanks for listening.

smoke gets in my eyes

Hello Marianne!

Welcome to the recovery forum! Always feel free to come here and vent. We've all been there and we DO want to hear it.

Intellectually you know you have nothing to feel guilty about. We are inundated in this culture with romantic tales about how love and patience can work miracles in another person. It just ain't necessarily so. Sometimes we feel guilty because we think if we had loved hard enough, or understood well enough, that we could have made them change. The only person you can change is yourself. Still, it's hard to let go of these notions of responsibility. We'll help. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. We'll say that as many times as you need to hear it.

Hugs,
Smoke

JT

Welcome to our forum!

It sounds like you did what you had to do to take care of yourself and that is not something to feel guilty about. It is those feelings of guilt that keep us tied to a dysfunctional relationship far too long.

Now is the time to get busy...partly to keep from thinking too much...and partly because you need to get your house in order.

There is lot of wonderful reading out there...Melody Beattie is a fave around here...and on this board there are some wonderful posts..keep reading and keep yourself fortified with your increased knowledge. You didn't mention treatment for yourself, but Al Anon is a gift for us. It is a group of people from all walks of life who come togther to support each other with their own experience, srength and hope.

And never forget that you in no way caused this situation to happen...so set aside the guilt and go forward...

milltwngrl

Thank you so much for your words. I am so happy that I found somewhere where I can talk to people that are like me. I understand all that you said and I'm sure in time I will feel good about myself again. I am very sad about all of this but I know it had to be done. I have gone to Al-anon meetings but in my area the times just don't match what I need, I do have an appointment with a counselor - so I'm hoping that will help. It's a terrible thing this disease has on people, i hope he gets well. Gotta go now. Thanks.

Action Girl

Hi Milltown Girl,

I am new here and just discovered your post. I wanted to follow up with you and ask you how you are doing.

I am one step away from doing what you have just done. It kind of feels like waiting for the penny to drop....

Of course I hope and believe that he can.

There is always the distinct possibility that he won't. He actually made me promise to leave him if he drinks again :cube:


Thinking of you,
Action Girl

Ann

Milltwngrl and Action Girl

I want to add an extra welcome, because I want to encourage you both to feel free to post here as often as you want. We share our experience strength and hope here, as well as some healthy venting, thinking and humour too.

As you read posts by others, you will see that the addict/alcoholic will make many promises, but rareky keep them. My philosophy with my son (addict) is "don't tell me...show me". We just get tired of too many lies, cons, manipulation by anger and sweet words, and in the end our recovery comes from within ourselves, not from anyone else.

For years, I "was" how my son "was". If he was clean and happy, I was happy. If he was using and depressed, I was depressed...and so on. The peace and serenity in my life today has come because I have been able to "detach" from how he is (still love him but I will not live in HIS disease). I set healthy boundaries for myself and do nice things for myself and have fun. Oh I still have bad days, but they are fewer and not as bad as they used to be. And I now have the tools to turn them into "good
days".

Keep coming back and grab some strength here.

Good Luck and God Bless

marie

What a very moving post, and hugs to you in this difficult time. I have also recently (this past week) taken action. Engaged a lawyer, and she had a great suggestion for my situation. She is drawing up a "post-nuptial agreement" which delineates whose property belongs to whom. Not easy, after 22 years, but that way, if he gets in trouble and gets sued or whatever, my daughter and I will be protected somewhat.

I just told him this morning and it was so hard. He's furious.

One thing that has helped is a book called "Under the Influence" which explains the disease in detail so that I can talk about it intelligently and with understanding.

Hang in there, I"m trying to
marie