Bobbieka

fortworthnative - My role in my marriage was your husbands role. My husband would get so angry with me if I had a drink or two (knowing it wouldn't end there) and I made him out to be the bad guy. All of my friends and family thought he was a controlling jerk, but the truth was, he was tired of being married to a drunk wife. He almost left a few times, but started working his own program and trying to understand my drinking. One day he said, "I know you are trying and I understand that there will be times you might slip up. I get it." It was like, right there, he let go. Once he did, I did too. I can't explain it and I don't know what the right answers are for you, but I am really glad he didn't give up on me. Over 3 years sober now and our kids are doing better than they ever have and our relationship is one for the books. Through our struggles he became my best friend.

I wish you luck and love and hope you guys can figure out a way to be the best that you can. I'm sorry for all you are dealing with. More than you know. It hurts my heart to know I did this to my family.

trailmix

Not only are you telling him what he should be doing (for better or worse - the telling, not the content), he is looking to you to do that.

That's not the role of someone who is part of and adult partnership, it is a kind-of-a child's role.

Children don't look at the family unit, they are not responsible for it, as it should be. By him taking on that role (willingly), he is only looking at how he can relate to this family rather than leading/taking care of the family (and I mean as an equal partner to you).

When you have that equal partner you will rely on them to some degree, nothing wrong with that. You might ask their opinion, you might ask them to take care of something for you but you aren't going to ask their permission and you aren't going to think of hiding something so your partner won't get "mad" at you.

I hope that makes sense.

dandylion

fwn…...this is a little off topic....something you said about your husband being "manly" in other aspects of his life, but, not at home....reminds me of a frequent observation ….
So many times, one will see a titan of industry or some large organization,where they are in command and wield loads of power and leadership....
While, at home, the wives will often report that they are l I ke little children who need to be "taken care of"...….
That always makes me smile.....