TheBob1 is Back with News on 'Falsely Accused'
 

Hi,

Anyone remember me? A couple or 3 years ago, I started a thread out of dismay and fear regarding a wife who made rumblings of threats to accuse me of physical abuse - and did so in the home and where our son could hear, but never went beyond that. I apparently triggered someone and things went downhill such that the moderator mercifully ended the thread.

Well, I am back with some hopeful news. I'm not divorced, our son is doing incredibly well in a challenging school (one year to go!), and things at home have improved - - and we just had a bit of a turnaround on the wife's drinking that I am hopeful will finally be a new start.

I'm hoping for encouragement now, as despite the hope I feel, I also feel resentment to the years spent under my spouse's addictive behaviors and "under the influence" judgment, thinking, etc.

Lastly, might anyone remember me - a moderator maybe? Hoping to get some advice on where this thread belongs (category?) and how to restart in a way I might reconnect with some folks I had spoken with before. Its been a long time and I'd like to get a clean start in the right category.

Thanks and hello again to anyone who may be here who reached out a helpful hand to me before.

hi bob, welcome back, glad to hear things are going better for you.

I haven't read your previous thread yet but you are posting in the same place where your original thread on being falsely accused was.

You can read your old threads/posts by clicking on your member name on the left there (by where your picture would be if you had one) and from the drop down menu that appears choose Find more posts or Find all threads.

Its really good to hear things can turn a corner and start to improve. What a resilient person you must be.

I've been married twice. Once divorced, once widowed. My ex-husband cheated on me and filed for divorce. We participated for a while in couples counseling. Although it did not work out for us, there is one thing the therapist said that has stuck with me all these years. If my husband did everything right (left the gf, plugged back into the marriage, etc.), could I ever trust him again? Knowing these answers for myself was key to my understanding whether my marriage could continue or not.

Let's say that your wife does everything right from this moment on. Completely embraces recovery, treats you with love and respect, gets all the professional support she needs...would you be able to let go of all your resentments from the past in time? Will you be able to live without throwing up her past behaviors if you two had an argument about something completely non-addiction related? Will you be able to trust her again?

Hello Bob!

This is a place of great support, I am glad you are here!

I am glad things have gotten better in your household. In my opinion, trust is earned over time. A very long time. There is no magic answer. If she is trustworthy and working her recovery, that will shine though. If not, that will show as well.

As far as resentments, I had counseling that helped me, as well as time. I am a big believer that time heals a lot of things, and those that hurt you should realize that you will require that. If not, then they are really not understanding how you were affected.

Keep sharing, you are not alone! Welcome back!

Thank you
 

To those who posted kind, encouraging, and/or helpful words, from the bottom of my heart - thank you.

Not sure if I'm posting this correctly - commenting in this forum never felt natural and I think I made plenty of user mistakes. Anyhow, if this is going out, I;d like to continue discussion.

Indeed, the resentment is festering and has already shown a little. Some tears for time lost, how our son might have developed in a more normal home (who knows, better or worse - as he seems quite good and well-adjusted, for being 18 - lol!)

That will take time and if she keeps clean (not the best odds), can we go forward without the past rotting me/us from the inside out, so to speak. :headbange

Resilient?
 

Or a doormat... or enabler... Well, I like the sound of resilient better. Actually yes, I am very resilient, but it remains to be seen how well I handle life going forward, as if the last decade never happened. As our son heads to college next year (hopefully/presumably), how will our home look without his presence and my sense of feeling a need to keep it together. Yes, I'll want him to have a "normal" home to come back to - one he has good, or if nothing else, comfortably familiar memories of. Wife talks about our future together, a nice little cottage where we both love to go... I don't see that unless she is clean. I can't and won't do that. Still some time, but first two weeks of her in a program - its a start and too long coming, AND she doesn't really want to be doing it, so God only knows, and as my Dad used to say, "... and he ain't talkin'"...

Thank you, thank you! trailmix, I found it! Still there is all its glory, and yet I thought it had all been deleted. Might be worth my looking over for some perspective from today's life. Oh my...

Glad to see you posting again Bob, welcome back! I'm especially happy to hear that your son is doing well.

2 weeks isn't much to hang your hopes on - especially if she's resistant in any way to the program.

How are YOU? Have you continued any therapy or meetings? What are you doing for self-care & support?

No matter what you do, self care is so important. Keep doing things that improve your psyche and give you strength. That way, no matter what happens, you are stable for yourself and your son! I hope you keep posting, you don't have to walk this alone!

so God only knows, and as my Dad used to say, "... and he ain't talkin'"...

true, not many of us getting a burning bush but i do believe there are SIGNS. we will see them if we stay open and seek the truth. which is different than what we want or hope........

Oh my goodness yes to this! I usto sit in prayer and pray for God to give me signs. Looking back, I should have been praying for God to open my eyes to see all the signs I was receiving.

I'm not the least bit religious... but this sure rings true!

That windy, rocky road was littered with signs, I kept walking smack into them and still did not any attention... :a043:

Good to see you back -
Is she sober? I'm not sure what you meant by turn-around.
Are you getting help, ie Al Anon or counseling or such, for you?

Resentments for the alcoholic and the fam as critical to address.

Me too, for years. When I realized it, it became crystal clear and I could not believe all the signs I had ignored, for years....

Well said!
 

Well said. It IS all there in front of us - pretty much every moment of every day. If you have or have had a dog or cat, its kinda like learning to communicate with them - on THEIR level. You start to see things you never did before and yet were right in front of you all along ;)

Hi and thanks :)

Q: Is she sober? A: I don't know - should I do BAC tests? Seriously tho, I can't tell - over time she has figured out how to maintain composure and not slur when speaking, so I truly can't say with 100 pct. certainty.

She has to help herself and I'm all-in if she does. I might even get her doc to admit her to a program if she can't because of the health risks with her liver*, but basically I'm just at a point we should have been at years ago (when I was in full-on panic mode and made the first posts) with a long road ahead. I'm not so naive as to say I see light at the end of the tunnel, but at least we're in the tunnel.

She's dealing with some other stuff, and alcohol is always her answer to feeling better, so she is doubly "at risk" to give in to temptation right now. And sadly, she probably thinks that because she isn't "critical" anymore, she can manage things with moderation -- everybody join me here and say " RIIIIIIIIIGHT!"

BTW, for the doubters and cynics (me being one of the biggest), any words of hope I may have used in my intro are just that, hope. I don't expect rainbows and bowls of cherries, but I do know she CAN do this is she tries. I also feel good knowing its becoming an open issue, so others (friends, family) will get on board... ugh.... but THAT is another issue entirely, because she has only told one friend who is not part of the rest of her social circle. She's claiming its "too hard" right now due to another issue she's dealing with - and I'm sure that's true to a degree - but yeah I know, until she comes out and tells friends and family openly that she was in bad health solely due to alcohol consumption and needs to make a good choice for personal health and stop drinking, she'll just kick the can down the road - probably just sneak drinks and all that. So that's the goal: Get her to say the iconic line of an AA meeting: Hi, my name is _____, and I am an alcoholic. I'm yet to hear her speak straight up like that yet. So for now, all this is speculation - we'll see what happens.

Meanwhile, yes, I do have a hobby that my son and I enjoy together which is wonderful when do it, tho he is what everyone tells me is a "typical teen" and doesn't open up to me anymore. A lot of that I have worried was the tension due to Mom's drinking (which she learned to cover up pretty darn well), but speaking to friends with teens, it sounds more "typical teen" than dysfunction in the home.
But he seems well-adapted academically and is an honor student. Has some friends that are all high achievers and wonderful influences, so thank God for that!

And no, I've not gone to counseling since I was told no one would see the two of us unless and until she was in a program - so I guess we can try someday soon. I have found talking to " a professional" had mixed results. Maybe I'll get to an al anon meeting while she is in this 2-month program. I just don't want to become a "professional meeting-goer" or regular source of income for a counseling firm.

* This all started with me getting the family doc involved. When she came in for annual tests, they looked at liver function. That night, the Dr. called and said "get her to the hospital" - - where the attending physician said she had poisoned herself but that the liver could heal with abstinence and good life/health choices.

Wowwwww, I just spent about 3 hours reading your entire thread, Bob. That was...interesting, to say the least.
I'm exhausted now but am happy to hear your son will be going off to college soon and it sounds like he's doing well.

Thank you!

And one nail you hit on the head was about how it has affected me (and all significant others or family members of an alcoholic/addict). Right now, its all about "her journey". I hope her program brings that up soon, as right now it seems to be all about her issues. I am behind her efforts, but guess what: "Yep, it's hard honey, but you're not gonna get a big patch of my shoulder to cry on; Too much anger and resentment on my end at the moment. And by the way, WHOSE SHOULDER DO I HAVE TO CRY ON? Okay, had to get that off my chest.
So anyway, hi again and thank you for the kind re-welcome :)

As for reading my entire, loooong, old thread...

OH MY GOD ! You really read it all? You MUST be exhausted - and maybe a little depressed. Must've been somewhat riveting for you to look at all that, but thank you for taking that much interest - wow.
So for you: Things did smooth out some, but not from the wife "getting better". I'm thinking it was a combination of menopause and alcohol. And she somehow managed to find a way (physical tolerance to alcohol?) to not stumble or slur, so it was not clear when she was intoxicated - - and I also think she got to a point she ALWAYS had alcohol in her system, so there was no sober vs. drunk contrast to see. But no big bang since that thread ended. Just trekking thru life doing my best... and she too - albeit with the monkey on her back all the while. Existing but not thriving. Believe our son started high school about the time that thread stopped, so his being gone almost 12 hours a day was probably good for his psyche and gave him something to focus on - a career you might say - such that home was more just a place to eat and sleep. His attention was on (and in) school , so that;s a biggie. And all those saying he surely knew there was a problem... well, he seems genuinely surprised that Mom is in a program. When she first told him she "had a problem", he said, "Okay, then just stop drinking". When I told him she was gone for 3 hours to be in a program, he said, "Really? Its that bad?". So I guess she did a good job of making him think that she was who she was. Which freaks me out (makes me cry, TBH) to think he doesn't really know his mother as her true, un-intoxicated self.