TheBob1 is Back with News on 'Falsely Accused'
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,980
Originally Posted by TheBob1 
With all that in mind, how does one adult hold another "accountable"?
I am so so sorry for how sucky this reality is.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 122
Hi bob1
I vaguely remember you from a while back. Forgive me I am not feeling well but I wanted to chime in with the whole accountability thing. I wondered that myself for awhile with my partner. The thing which really struck me was why should I be his keeper/mother. That's not an adult relationship, that's more like a parent-child one. Any boundaries therefore you put in really should be about you and not about punishing the other. You have to be super honest with yourself about your actions and why you are doing it. I found when I was telling him off I was doing it as relief for myself, not really for them.
My 10 cents but it was a good lesson in life for me.
I vaguely remember you from a while back. Forgive me I am not feeling well but I wanted to chime in with the whole accountability thing. I wondered that myself for awhile with my partner. The thing which really struck me was why should I be his keeper/mother. That's not an adult relationship, that's more like a parent-child one. Any boundaries therefore you put in really should be about you and not about punishing the other. You have to be super honest with yourself about your actions and why you are doing it. I found when I was telling him off I was doing it as relief for myself, not really for them.
My 10 cents but it was a good lesson in life for me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by TheBob1
Sorry for multiple posts, but I have one more question:
What does responsibility and accountability for alcoholism look like... aside from what life does to an alcoholic (poor health, loss of a job, DUI, etc.). In my case, she drinks, I give her sh--, she shrugs it off, life goes on. How does one adult hold another accountable other than doing what people seem to say is "wrong", like leaving or imposing other "penalties"? Im confused, especially in an environment where everyone is saying "You can't make her stop - only she can". Be supportive but do not "enable". With all that in mind, how does one adult hold another "accountable"? Let's be blunt, the answer must be to punish them like a child, only with adult consequences - correct? Divorce, leave them, kick them out, etc. What else could be considered letting someone be accountable/responsible?
What does responsibility and accountability for alcoholism look like... aside from what life does to an alcoholic (poor health, loss of a job, DUI, etc.). In my case, she drinks, I give her sh--, she shrugs it off, life goes on. How does one adult hold another accountable other than doing what people seem to say is "wrong", like leaving or imposing other "penalties"? Im confused, especially in an environment where everyone is saying "You can't make her stop - only she can". Be supportive but do not "enable". With all that in mind, how does one adult hold another "accountable"? Let's be blunt, the answer must be to punish them like a child, only with adult consequences - correct? Divorce, leave them, kick them out, etc. What else could be considered letting someone be accountable/responsible?
Your home is not rehab or the military or a prison camp, why you believe you should have control over your wife, I just can't figure that out? All couples have adjustments to make, you never replace the paper towel, she might suggest you do (more than once). Now even those types of things might be considered "controlling" but we all have to make allowances for the other person in order to get along under the same roof.
You yell at her, you outed her, then you yelled some more. She doesn't want to quit (and she doesn't actually have to). This is something only she has control over. Imagine how her life feels? She tries to quit, or tries to give the illusion that she is going to, but she doesn't. Then she has you to answer to - to "give her ****". What a horrible life to be leading - for you, yes, but also for her.
The leaving (and who says that is wrong??) is completely up to you. You must make your children and yourself a priority.
What does responsibility and accountability for alcoholism look like
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: virginia
Posts: 237
Hi Seren,
Wondering if you are still here. I've been off quite a while, but still having issues - as many who have read my posts from years back would have predicted. Anyhow, I am back reading some responses and yours was then and is now one that resonates here. Was a concern then, and even more of one now, having had a number of additional breaches or trust - all involving lying about alcohol, and the worst yet: A recent DUI that she is incredibly lucky to be getting a plea deal for since she was not driving when nabbed (parking 'ding' at a grocery store). We are cordial, and sometimes might even enjoy one another's company here and there (like watching a movie or talking about current events...). So it was a concern then when you commented, and is more so now. And you were right, it probably wouldn't have changed much, even if she had made a stronger effort and not added more reasons to mistrust.
Wondering if you are still here. I've been off quite a while, but still having issues - as many who have read my posts from years back would have predicted. Anyhow, I am back reading some responses and yours was then and is now one that resonates here. Was a concern then, and even more of one now, having had a number of additional breaches or trust - all involving lying about alcohol, and the worst yet: A recent DUI that she is incredibly lucky to be getting a plea deal for since she was not driving when nabbed (parking 'ding' at a grocery store). We are cordial, and sometimes might even enjoy one another's company here and there (like watching a movie or talking about current events...). So it was a concern then when you commented, and is more so now. And you were right, it probably wouldn't have changed much, even if she had made a stronger effort and not added more reasons to mistrust.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Bob,
Yes, I'm still here. I'm sorry to read that not much has changed. Your son must be college aged at this point? I hope that he and you have received some much needed support in real life. Growing up in a home in which one or both parents are active alcoholics is not conducive to healthy, happy, fully-functioning adulthood.
Your first post here was seven years ago. For all of the effort you have put into saving your marriage and family, it doesn't sound as though much has changed. I'm sorry that you had to learn first-hand (like so many of us) that we have absolutely no control over whether an alcoholic drinks or not. I will never tell someone that they should leave their spouse with the exception of physical abuse. It is possible for you to remain married and be personally happy. You would need to work a very strong program or have a very good counselor of your own, and you would have to come to accept that you cannot control her behavior. Your happiness has to come from within you. It cannot be based on your relationship with her.
Is that enough?
Yes, I'm still here. I'm sorry to read that not much has changed. Your son must be college aged at this point? I hope that he and you have received some much needed support in real life. Growing up in a home in which one or both parents are active alcoholics is not conducive to healthy, happy, fully-functioning adulthood.
Your first post here was seven years ago. For all of the effort you have put into saving your marriage and family, it doesn't sound as though much has changed. I'm sorry that you had to learn first-hand (like so many of us) that we have absolutely no control over whether an alcoholic drinks or not. I will never tell someone that they should leave their spouse with the exception of physical abuse. It is possible for you to remain married and be personally happy. You would need to work a very strong program or have a very good counselor of your own, and you would have to come to accept that you cannot control her behavior. Your happiness has to come from within you. It cannot be based on your relationship with her.
Is that enough?
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,330
Good replies.
Big hugs, it’s hard.
Save yourself.
We only get a one time go around in this wonderful gift of life.
You aren’t meant to be miserable
You ARE worth saving. I believe…….. Do you?
♥️🤓
Big hugs, it’s hard.
Save yourself.
We only get a one time go around in this wonderful gift of life.
You aren’t meant to be miserable
You ARE worth saving. I believe…….. Do you?
♥️🤓
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 136
We spend a lot of time explaining how we want to help/save our addicted partners and always be there for them. It just struck me how odd it is that we’ll fight so hard for them but not ourselves… don’t we deserve the same life we want for them?
Hopefully you’ll be able to make a choice that honours what you deserve in life this time, as another poster said, you only get one life.
Hopefully you’ll be able to make a choice that honours what you deserve in life this time, as another poster said, you only get one life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,980
Bob, good to hear from you. Lots has happened in the last few years. I hope you have support for yourself and are doing whatever you can to carve out a decent life for yourself no matter what is going on with your wife. This is always way easier said than done.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Sueby
We spend a lot of time explaining how we want to help/save our addicted partners and always be there for them. It just struck me how odd it is that we’ll fight so hard for them but not ourselves… don’t we deserve the same life we want for them?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: virginia
Posts: 237
Here I am again, with more of the same, but maybe a different perspective. So yeah, I'm done hoping she will stop drinking, and its so sad that my son still has hope that his actions (now refusing to speak a word to her) will somehow help her stop. Looking at the dates here, its clear she probably never will. At long last, I am realizing I need help for myself. Too many years angry and depressed. I'd probably have reached this sooner, but I as not going to do the whole online thing, and the covid debacle stretched it out. I just need help at this point - I suppose I have all along, and the couple times We tried for some marital counseling it was horrible. I think all this time I just needed it for myself, and I want it for my son spo he can get some peace about this too. He hates seeing his mother "hurting herself" as her calls it. Anyhow, some specific advice of what type of counselor - fields of specialty... I don't know. Just need to get on a competent counselor's couch and start making some progress.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
