Can't have it both ways
 

AH didn't come to 2 kid's concerts during the week. Beautiful music concerts. Not squeaky violins and descant recorders.
In fact we didn't see him for 3 days as we left early for our day, and got home late several days in a row.
He then expects them to hang out with him on the weekend.
It's just not how life works. You can't just pull people in when it suits you.
It's taken me a long time to figure out what has been happening, and now its impossible to ignore. I'm so sad for my children though. And me, if I'm honest with myself.

This is incredibly selfish and no surprise, since addiction is so selfish.

Totally. I told them they did a fabulous job, that they were beautiful and I was proud of them. And I was sooooo proud of them.
He can't do that, yet is going interstate to watch a basketball game and maybe take a friend's son.
I think he is trying to impress his (female) friend.
Oh dear...I'm just putting this together now.
I've met her once - she's a self-opinionated person who basically ignored me when we first met. But she went to the right school, knows the right people...blah blah. Stuff that will impress the pants of him - maybe literally.
That stuff doesn't impress me. I don't care if, or where you did or didn't go to university.
My children don't care either.
My focus will be on being a good parent today.

Oh my ....
He's planning to take someone else's son to basketball game.
That has just sunk in.
I'm angry to the point of tears.

❤

Yes he is. Nothing to do with you and your kiddies, of course, because it is all about him, from sunrise to sunset.

If he manages to sneak in something thoughtful or nice, that's to his ends, also nothing to do with any of you. Just like it suits him to spend time with the kids this weekend.

Ugh. It annoys me just writing it!!

(sorry, that's not very helpful)

Trailmix, it is helpful.
It's reassuring me that i am being strong for the right reasons.

My sister claimed that she didn't have enough money to find a place big enough for her children to live with her. And then she got plastic surgery. All I'll say is that it sure as hell wasn't just a bunch of Botox injections.

It's such a tight spot, because we all want her kids to know so badly that they are valued, despite their mom's actions, WITHOUT disparaging their mom's actions. I think they've learned to accept her for who she is, without having any expectations that she'll let go of the many delusions that she uses to define herself. I frankly could learn a lesson from them.

My dad had very little to do with me even though he had visitation opportunities.

We were distant and polite, but really had no meaningful relationship to speak of.

That was the choice he made. Kids know when adults aren't really mentally / emotionally present.

Older child has been whispering to me tonight "he's just so angry". He's getting quite defiant and telling AH he needs to chill out and meditate!! He's nearly 15 and there's no hiding anything from him. And he is adult sized so there's no pushing him around.

There does come a point in a relationship with an alcoholic parent that the child looks at him and thinks, you should really shut up. You have been abusing this group for years.

I remember when I was a teen, probably your Son's age or a bit older. My Father was ranting one night. My siblings and my Mom were sitting on the sofa while I decided to tell him exactly what I thought, so I let him have it.

I was yelling at him..

He stood up and hit me across the face, hard. It's actually the only time he ever hit me, so I was a bit surprised.

My siblings and my Mom and I all walked out. We went across the street to our neighbour's house (she was also our friend).

I don't remember what happened after that but there is no going back from this once that anger is there and once a child knows they can stick up for themselves. I'm no psychologist so I have no idea if it's a good or a bad thing, what I do know is that if you have a 15 year old telling their Dad to "meditate" and "chill" (unless it's a joke) you have a role reversal going on.

This is all so negative for the children.

Alcoholism is a disease that affects the whole family.

Education, open minds and changed actions can create huge changes. Alateen is important. So is Al-Anon, Celebrate Recovery, addiction specialists, etc.

The problem isn't if the music is beautiful or squeaky. It's not how the schedules are between you, kids and the alcoholic.

I'm sorry you're going through this. :grouphug:

trailmix, I'm sorry that happened.

This is a completely counterintuitive disease to deal with. Healing, recovery and better days are possible. One day at a time.

When I was around twelve, my abuser was ranting and railing about my behavior. She asked me "How did you learn to be so mean?"

I responded, "I learned it from you."

I got a slap across the face so hard that my tooth caught my lip and it started bleeding. I went to the bathroom, saw my face with my swollen, bleeding lip, and started hysterically laughing because I looked like hell.

I then wandered into the backyard, and even though it was raining, circled it for hours.

Nobody said anything. My sister saw the slap and was scared into submission. My father was in another room and was completely clueless. Everything went quiet, and I felt crazy and wrong and confused.

However, now that I'm blessed with the gift of hindsight, I can say that if I was given the choice, I would say those same words again.

I can remember as a very young kid being puzzled why my A dad seemed so childish and weak.

It puzzled me why this adult was so immature. Even as a young kid I was able to identify his behaviour issues.

Alkies seem to think kids don't notice their behaviours. They do. Most certainly,

When I was 12, A dad left home and left myself and my sibs with a physically violent, verbally abusive, raging, untreated Al-anon mum. He played the victim telling us kids how dreadful mum was to him. Conveniently overlooking he was leaving us there with her.

Reality being that he was clearing off to shack up with one of his many affair ladies.

I was thinking the same thing puzzled.

I was also just thinking, in relationship to this dynamic, I then went on to an abusive marriage that involved violence.

At first I didn't really stick up for myself much (which, if you knew me at that time you would have thought huh?), but I guess it was kind of ingrained to fly under the radar.

Eventually, I started to fight back (verbally, not physically, I was way outmatched physically, although I did hit him once years later).

So true. I see this constantly. More worried about fashion and appearances wether it's portraying himself as someone in charge in the know or the victim so it wasn't something he did wrong or mess up. He goes out of his way to avoid a negative light being cast on him.

When you drop off at some place like the gym he frequently has you drop off the far side of the lot so members don't see a half century old adult being dropped off like a child at soccer practice.

But so true it is always about them.

Thanks everyone. I realise just how serious this situation is and I am keeping a very close eye on it.
Kids are very vulnerable, no matter how old or how big.

It's terrible how their behavior affects you, but tragic to see how it affects kids. Continue to build them up and let them know you are always there for them, that's all you can do.