Milano58

I'm struggling with this selective patenting...looking good from the outside. Recently I had to take KID1 to hospital for a procedure. EXAH was trying to settle KID1 unsuccessfully. His phone rang, he dumped KID1 on the ground and walked off to take the call. He was checking emails the entire time too. I'm sure EXAH thought he was ticking all the parenting boxes. He arrived (late), stayed for 30mins. But went to his all so important work course. See.. He was there for his child AND for work. No problems here. Kids were at mine instead of school so he left his course late (quick round?) .. Ran into traffic on way home and decided kids should just stay at mine. Didn't want to disrupt them. Popped in on way home and.. Disrupted them. I was doing wind down for bed. But in his mind:
-I was there for KID at hospital
-I was still able to work from hospital
-I did my course
-I even asked ex wifey about KID
-I said good night to KIDS

All the other kids had their mums AND dad's, all day. Some even brought a friend to for support. The nurses even wanted to know why he'd gone. Maybe it's just me.. But my brother's, uncles would have postponed course, meetings, work. They woukd have been there and they would have been PRESENT!

Sasha1972

"Selective parenting" - ugh, that is a good description. And it really sucks for those of us who don't get to "select" when we act like a parent.

Milano58

Ye.. I really hope other people don't buy into it. My son has gone to his dad's crying for the 5th time in a row.. Its devastating.

Wombaticus

oh Milano, this is heartbreaking. You can only do the best you can.

hopeful4

Last year my oldest child was in the hospital. Her father came in for 30 mins and left to go to band practice LOL. He knows who he is, and she does too.

My children see him as a grown size child who has zero self control, no compassion or empathy for others, and just a general mess. It is what it is. Eventually kids see what they are dealing with and form opinions. We as parents have to own that, and you receive whatever opinion you earned.

Just my two cents after a five year bout of post divorce "coparenting" if that is what you want to call it.

Milano58

Thanks.. Sorry for hogging your thread wombaticus. I always considered my EXAH my 3rd child. Funny cos he complained that I treated him like a teenager when he drank (I only agreed to date if he quit and he did for years). My kids are both gifted.. They're leagues ahead in speech, reading, writing so ye. I think KID1 is deeply troubled. When EXAH lived with us he was always on the phone. Rarely engaged. Literally 30mins horseplay which he'd abruptly stop and I'd have to bring the kids back down from the rafters. He treated them like puppies! I've chucked out any toy phones. Mine is kept in the kitchen. I apologise to the kids when I do need to use it. If I do call family.. Its All of us on the call.
It's amazing how all our alcohics have become the same person.

Wombaticus

you are most welcome, Milano. You are not hogging it - im finding this discussion really interesting.
I agree - sometimes dealing with the A is like dealing with a teenager. They are stuck emotionally at the age they started drinking.
AH is constantly on his phone - and tries to hide it behind his crossed leg. Puh-leeeeseeee! Then lectures the kids about being on theirs. The only form of 'leadership' he demonstrates is to threaten to take phones away if they don't do as they are asked. That's not parenting. It's bullying.

Wombaticus

I have come to the realisation that my great fear of leaving my AH is that my kids will hate me for it.
Crazy.
AH couldn't name any of their friends or know any of their heartbreaks.

trailmix

That's a tough one and another thing you can't control, which is a shame!

Although, how you handle it will make a world of difference.

My Mother didn't leave my Father until I was 17, I never blamed her for not doing that (she stayed for financial reasons).

However, in our house it was him - and the rest of us, we were a team. Had she left him, I wouldn't have cared one bit as long as we felt safe in all ways.

I think that is a huge thing. Safety. Kids like to know they will get to eat and there will be a roof over their heads and warmth etc etc. Once all that is in place, they can deal with the rest.

You never know, you can have two children and one will say it was the best thing you have ever done and the other will say how could you!

I don't think you can base your decision on what they might think later on? It's your decision really.

Wombaticus

yes its a risk. No matter what happens, i will be there for them. And with rapidly growing boys, they will definitely be fed well, with good food and lots of love.