Trivial or Understanable...
 

I’m trying to reach out & create a new life.
An old friend who I was estranged from for a few yrs, has re entered and I was pleased we cld heal old wounds from what was a mis understanding & lack of communication causing our fall out.

However enter ExAH who thought it was ok to ring her the following day when he discovers this? Friend didnt like this & rings Me to tell me she’s blocked him. Ok....so then I ask him why did he ring & she d prefer him not too.
ExAH doesn’t like this and is put out?

However Friend then divulged that years ago they were working near each other and he goes in asks if she fancied a drink at lunchtime, they did, then they colluded not to tell me as I may not like it?

My question is I have to ask my ExAH if an affair happened, Friend says not, but it will def determine if our friendship continues as I’m mindful now about trust in future relationships, I haven’t got time now for friendships that aren’t genuine.

For bkground info this Friend has had numerous affairs (that’s why I’m sceptical).

Would u ask ExAH?

:a043::

Many Thanks.

It doesn’t really matter what happened in his past...he’s your ex. The end.

It’s a little odd that your friend came at you about him calling her. You’re not responsible for his behavior. She blocked him. Again, the end. You didn’t need to contact him to tell him not to call her...again, he’s not your responsibility.

If it were me, I would be less concerned about the past deception (in which she participated) and more concerned about how this revived friendship seems all tangled up with the ex. And FWIW, he’s awfully jumpy about what was supposedly just a friendly lunch.

If it were me, I wouldn’t want the drama. Some friendships end for a reason, yes?

I wouldn't ask him. He'd probably lie anyway. It does explain, though, why he's against you rekindling a friendship with her. He's probably afraid she'd tell you. And she did.

DazeandConfuse.

‘Nope’ I get.
‘Who Cares’ .....is Me, not about an affair or Him....but about Me once again repeating past behaviour & picking the wrong friendships/relationship.

This post was about Me not Him. Self Care for once.

:tyou

Ariesagain.... thank u for that, I was on those lines, I seriously don’t care about the past now... my concern was more about trusting this friend & already starting to feel deceived, feelings that are very familiar & unhealthy and I want to do the right thing for Me for once. Totally with U on the drama thing..my 1st red flag..that’s not what I’m looking for is it. Jeez I’d rather read a book!!

:tyou

As a friend used to say, a bologna sandwich is never too busy to spend time with you and never interrupts while you’re talking. 😁

Trust your instincts, yes? You’re smarter than you know.

:grouphug:

Suki....Exactly, Yes She did!

Another frame for this Noodler is that she told you he contacted her to not deceive you and to be open and honest.

Maybe she learned something from what happened before and she is trying to do right and rebuild the friendship because she values it and you.

how did you ex "discover" you had a phone conversation with anyone??

A good point Anvil..I had to thk bk. ExAH rang Me the night she visited, I told him I had a guest, couldn’t talk, said who it was, he wld of been surprised. He sent her his best over phone.😳
Then rang her personally next day. This is what got me, what the hell for?
Is it control. I told him to leave it alone, he had enough friends to fill a commune 😂 he didn’t need to interfere.

I would stay so far away from her.

She hasn't been back in your life for 5 minutes and she confessed to colluding with your ex. She has also had several affairs.

Now, that's no one's business, the affairs that is, but it speaks strongly to her integrity. Trustworthy people aren't all about lying.

so he just happened to call WHILE she was there? i mean what are the odds. my spidey senses scream SET UP! interesting that he still has her phone # in his phone from "years" ago..............

noodle.....you are trying to create a new life for yourself...and good for you!
I think that it would be a good idea to cultivate a whole new social circle....with new acquaintences and friends who have no connection to your past relationships. No old baggage...lol....

This situation sounds like too much triangling….and, it seems that a lot of trust has been broken.....and, on top of it all,,,,they seem to be dragging the past into the present.....uuugh…..

Maybe, a new boundary for yourself regarding the ex husband? He doesn't need any information, what so ever about who you are spending your time with......and, vice versa....It just works better that way, I think.....

Anvil...about phone no in phone ...my Sister picked that up imme. And wow U cld be so right and now you ve given Me a fresh thread of bloody thought! That is so feasible.

Trail mix...that’s why I posted, it started to feel wrong as soon as ExAH got involved and it started to lead a Merry dance, our first meeting was great, fun & laughter. Now I feel I’m in a web again and I knew that was wrong. Having to make decisions again on trust and as u say integrity isn’t a healthy, relaxing friendship.

Thank U All for yr time.

Dandelion...The Path I’m working towards is the one U outline...I have to take Baby Steps or Jobs too big...thk U for keeping on reminding Me.

Today I felt diff..for the 1st time in a while. I am actually grateful for the Incident now. U don’t get much validation for yr negative thoughts from an A... it’s all lies. THIS has confirmed something I Carnt explain..that it’s real & happened & shouldn’t of had, I know this must sound naive, but it was obvs how clever he was at deception, how far in was I. It was years ago and this was happening Then.

So...I feel much more confident in Myself today and looking at them both with fresh eyes.
I will deal with this, not with drama, hate & confrontation, but with the sweet taste that they ‘were ‘the people I thought they were, and She will know, I will faze it out again.
He’s gone...he’s Mentally off now anyways, I don’t want to be dealing with that. And I take your advice about everything re connections with him still (we have Grandchildren etc) so I’m working at what I need to do.

I know this decision has only been able to come thru quickly because of You. You bothered to Answer and I Carnt tell U the difference it’s made.
I would of ruminated over this for weeks & made Myself ill and then made no decision. I made it in 24 hrs which is a 1st for Me.

Each comment was totally valid as if in group therapy, which is gold too Me in the absence of an Al non.

:You_Rock_

🙏🙏🙏🙏 🎉🎉🎉🎉

Hmmm. A drink isn't an affair. "Colluding" is kind of strong language for keeping quiet about something that may innocent but might upset you. I subscribe to the Snake Discovery channel. Are we 'colluding' when I don't mention it to my partner because snakes frighten the bejesus out of him?

If your ex says they did have an affair, you'll be angry. If he says no, you may not believe him, and you'll be angry about that, anyway. Either way, since it's in the past, it's irrelevant.

Does your friend still have affairs? I'd give her wide berth, in that case. And it's not *just* that she has them. I'd be puzzled, (okay, put off) by the fact that she sees it as so innocuous that she TELLS people about them. It's one thing to do it once, feel guilty enough to keep it a secret and stop. It's another thing if it's some kind of lifestyle choice.

I think minimal anxiety and stress is the ticket here--you don't owe them anything, most especially if you have a feeling in your gut something isn't quite right.

Well done on your quick decision!