ironwill

We had a long 3 hour talk. Everything came out. I told her that i saw her online chats. She was not happy but figured that is how i knew about the vodka/pill story.

She denied getting rid of the vodka and pills. I guess she hid the vodka in a different container so my story fell apart. She said she wrote that in her chat to get sympathy from other member, that she didn't get rid of any pills or vodka. She just wanted there praise for doing it. I asked her why she would do that. she said she wanted the attention. In my heart I have a hard time believing it. But she was an alcoholic so she will lie. I just have to be ready to accept that as she goes through the steps the real honest person will come out.

Well the BF from the first message I wrote wasn't the person. It turns out it is her sponsor. Now her online sponsor lives in the UK and is very scary looking. I have seen the picture. But he has a brilliant mind and can explain things in such i way it's amazing. I have heard several of his analogies to explain things. I have even said before all this happened that I was jealous of his power of speech. He is very good for her. She fells comfortable with him from the start and will open up to him about her problems. I told her I was upset that she kept referring to him a her boyfriend. She says she is going to stop. I won't know cause I'm not going back in the chat room again. Too painful. I also said that she needs to be honest with him about everything. If she is going to obtain the peace in her mind that she is looking for she has to be honest. I don't think he has the same felling for her. Either way there is an ocean between the two.

She is still going to use him as a sponsor. I can't control her journey. I may not like the fact of what i saw. But I was not suppose to see it in the first place. I did apologizes for that. We came back to that she loves me, but doesn't know if she is in love with me. I asked her do you think we need to see a marriage consular. She says we each need to work on our self's then we can go back and work on us. I asked her if she was willing to go to a consular after we are both ready. She said yes.. She has to take it one day at a time and not focus on the future. She also said right now the deck is stacked in my favor. I guessing she is meaning that she wants to stay for the kids. youngest is in 5th grade. We finished hugging and went to bed together, holding hands and next to each other. I was still upset, but I know I have to get better this marriage is going to get better. I go to my first meeting on Monday.

August252015

I have found our intuition gets very honed about the lying and hiding - even when we want to believe other.

Having an opposite sex sponsor is a very bad idea, IMO, for MANY reasons.

Are you getting support for yourself already - what kind of meeting Monday?

Take care of you.

ironwill

I'm going to an al-anon meeting and getting a recommendation for a therapist. I get the notion of bad idea to have an opposite sex sponsor. If this was a person locally who she wanted to see, I would have concerns. I know she would also. He is in the UK and there is no face to face. That is why she started off this way. she felt she could be more open with an online person. She is the same with online vs in person meeting. She can open up online and speak up. in-person meeting she has not spoken up yet. And this is at an all women's meeting. Just cause she has feelings for his mind doesn't mean he has feeling for her. I can't control her journey. I could of said I don't want you talking to him anymore and she would of just thrown that back at my face. She has told me before any of this alcohol stuff happened that she felt lonely. I have to fix me and she has to fix herself. The we can work on us.

FallenAngelina

Online protects you from nothing.

It's not just a notion, it's just not done. There are few Rules in AA and AlAnon, mostly recommendations that experienced, beneficial members will model. The big ones are "no cross talk" and "no sponsors of whatever gender you're sexually attracted to." That this gentleman is willing to even consider sponsorship is a big red flag. That your wife is going whole hog for an online male sponsor while she has a room full of female mentors is a gigantic, flapping red flag. That she ever thought of and referred to him as her online boyfriend is a huge, screaming neon sign. Of course your relationship is not served by telling your wife to do anything, but you are served by knowing why program recommendations are in place and why they are followed.



I hate to say it, but this is just alcoholic BS. Typical alcoholic MO is to say whatever it takes to keep key people where key people are so that things remain status quo. We make this worse by poking them for reassurance and asking them about their intentions. We press and press so that hopefully we get good signs and then we get upset later on that they have "lied" to us.



It's really good that you're looking into AlAnon. In AlAnon, we don't fix ourselves, we find ourselves. If an alcoholic loved one still works for us as we find more of who we are, then that's lovely, but the point of AlAnon is not to fix anything so that we can keep relationships, it's to create a more authentic and fulfilling life.

dandylion

ironwill…...I think it is a good idea for her to work on her and you work on you....
This will take time and hard work on both of your parts....

Ariesagain

dandylion

I think ariesagain makes a very good point! That thought crossed my mind, also----so, I am glad that aries pointed it out...…...

ironwill

thanks for the insite FA. she knew about the rules from BF who didn't like the idea of her doing an online sponsor. I think he was hoping she would pick him. She told me last night that other people (women) have read what he has said to her and said that he was probably in love with her. She had no idea. She just like the part that he would bring her up and then shut he down. Over and over again. Every time she would apologies and the cycle would repeat. He probably has more apologizes then me. She had been in the online Chat room for about a week or so. And had it narrowed down to him and a lady. She felt the lady was to pushy when she talked to people. He was more helpful. I can't change anything now. I don't think I could of changed anything back then. I could of just shown my concern. She would of brushed it off and done what she wanted to . She is a much better debater then me. I can count on both hand the number of arguments I have convinced her that I'm right. Even then I get no apology. I also know that she might be using me just to keep a roof over her head and access to the kids. There is no way she could support herself on her own. I also know this. Besides the alcohol she also has other autoimmune disease. The place she works has no health care. I love her to much to see her in pain. Even on the meds she is on now she is in pain allot of the time.

ironwill

I also told her I want her to stop manipulating me. She says are you sure you want the truth. I told her yes. If i get that or not i don't know. But i had to put it out there. She then told me she manipulated me that first time we talked on the phone by lying that she was getting medicine for her little brother late at night. I was speechless afterwards.

endofmyrope65

2x4 alert!!!!!

Time to put your foot down and put it down HARD.
NO MALE SPONSORS.
NO MALE FRIENDS.
P E R I O D

The distance means nothing.
He wants to b---g your wife.
Get your head on straight and stop being a doormat.

This is nonsense.
She cheats, she get no pass.

Do this for your own sanity and self-esteem.

And do it now. No debates. No discussion. NO Male Sponsor or friends.

If she baulks, hand her D papers and mean it.

Ariesagain

It very much sounds like this UK guru guy is setting her up. The on again, off again attention is classic manipulation.

Again...WATCH YOUR MONEY. You can also google how to freeze your credit.

At this point, it sounds like she’s addicted to the attention and the drama. She’s got him online, she’s got you begging for attention at home...that’s good for her ego, but really destructive to everything else.

I’m glad you’re finding other ways to focus on you. Realizing that you’re not going to just be her backup plan may help snap her out of this, but mostly it will help you, and that’s important.

I hope you can find some comfort soon...

ironwill

the sponsor does not do the on again off again . That was the last BF. I hope I can find some comfort soon also. My emotions are a roller coaster. I have to take it one day at a time and be honest. I'm not ready to throw 20 years of marriage down the drain due to her condition. She didn't ask for this condition. It is something she was born with.

BlownOne

She didn't ask for this condition. It is something she was born with.
Which condition are you referring to? The autoimmune disease?

You may not be ready to throw 20 years of marriage down the drain, nor should you...just bear in mind that sometimes the choice isn't ours to make. How somebody treats you IS how they feel about you. Words mean very little in the end. Stay strong.
And just to add about the UK sponsor: He's not doing her or himself any favors. No AA with any amount of integrity is going to sponsor a member of the opposite sex. Period. Why? Because it can lead to exactly the kind of s**t you're having to deal with right now. If you ask me, sound like he's just another smooth talker.

DontRemember

I'd suggest focusing on your own recovery via Al-Anon and here,while implementing the '180' in your marriage. https//beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

Edit: sorry for the link. On my phone and I'm an idiot with technology 😂

AnvilheadII

She denied getting rid of the vodka and pills. I guess she hid the vodka in a different container so my story fell apart.

I was taking the trash out last Friday and open up the can and found an extra little bag in the can. I take out all the trash so I thought that was odd. She had thrown out a thing of pills and a vodka bottle unopened. not one i had bought.

wait. you said you found the vodka and the pills last Friday, with your own eyes, in the trash. but she says she didn't put them there? how can your "story" fall apart if you saw them???? how else did they get there?

here at SR we are seasoned veterans when it comes to addiction, lies, deceit and turmoil. many of us have been on both sides. i myself am a former addict, when in my previous marriage i was the cheater, and am now with another recovered addict. so i speak from my heart and from experience that your wife is spinning lies right and left, and you are buying it all hook, line and sinker. she has you so snowed that you are willing to believe what she SAYS over what you actually know and have seen.

she has been very involved with not one but two other men (at least) over the past year. she has a real life "BF" and an online "BF". if the online "sponsor" was worth his salt and even as an opposite sex sponsor, none of these shenanigans would be happening. my AA sponsor WAS a man - we talked at length before agreeing to have him sponsor me THROUGH THE STEPS about the possible pitfalls and made sure that i didn't just run to him for a shoulder to cry, no sharing of personal stuff that was not relevant to whatever step i was on. we did not "hang out" - the few times we met at his apartment was to have a safe quiet space for me to share my 5th step.

big huge red flag that she will not share in a F2F meeting with other women, but will tell all to some weird creepy guy online. and that in the space of less than 90 days she has decided she is IN LOVE with this online person. who may or may not reside in the UK.

i'm curious how you have "heard" this online person speak? how you know what he says? there is so much of this tale that is messed up.

ironwill

both conditions. alcohol and autoimmune. I also know the choice might not be mine. She might at the end realize i don't fill that spot in her heart. I just wont go down without a fight. I do wish she would treat me with more little things . Those are the things that mean most to me. I have a morning routine that brings me joy to do for her (omelet, coffee and bringing her her morning pills). Brought this up this morning and she said we have to find our own happiness. I know that but still i try and find at least one thing that will make her life easier. and might bring a smile to her face.

ironwill

taking out the trash was the story I was going to use so as to nought claim i had read her chats. I did see a small bag in the trash can that morning, but thought one of the girls had tossed the kitty litter in the big trashcan. So I just left it to see if the trashman would take it. Never looked close enough. I know it is all messed up.

BlownOne

both conditions. alcohol and autoimmune
Uh, no. No one is born alcoholic. There may be genetic predispositions that put a person at high risk but no one is born an alcoholic anymore than one is born obese. It's a disease that develops over time. For some us it progresses very rapidly. For others it takes years. I'm a recovered alcoholic, and even tho I didn't choose to be one, it was still nobody's fault but mine. No one ever once forced me to drink or put a line up my nose or take a pill or whatever. My point is, all addicts and alcoholics bear responsibility. Can't just blame it on the disease and say "it's not my fault, I was born with it"

ironwill

The pain for autoimmune diseases is what feed her addiction to alcohol.

Ariesagain

You rarely mention your kids...how are they handling this?