Should I reach out?
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I don't know how to use the "quote" thinys, so am going to cut and paste here.
Woodland, you have asked for our advice. Please excuse my bluntness. If you were my brother, I would speak to you exactly this way. Here goes:
"This is the sadness about alcoholism. It has destroyed my family and somehow I have to accept it....."
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. SPOT ON. You have just articulated the whole point of our recovery program.
"and not only that be okay with endless ambiguity....... So it's either accept it and live in limbo...."
ABSOLUTELY WRONG. THIS IS B*LLSH#T. This is a false burden that you are not required to bear.
"leave it and accept the huge changes and costs that it would entail."
Right again!!! Nobody has ever claimed that recovery is easy. It is very hard. In this case, you MUST put your daughter first. She is the only innocent victim in this entire story. You must face the fact that something in your makeup drove you to marry an alcoholic.
" I had someone tell me about how co-dependent I was and it made me furious. Dealing with this in your personal life is hard enough...pretty sure NOBODY in this situation would not act in this fashion. So the prize for the spouse...being called co-dependent, losing so much. But the alcoholic who get's well is the hero. Sorry to be such a jerk tonight."
I have read many accounts at how pissed off an alcoholic gets when someone points out that they are an alcoholic. In fact, I believe this is universally true until they accept that they ARE and they are ready to RECOVER.
There are many ways to live and choices to make, Woodland. You have many options ahead of you. One option is to move in with your ex and her current "squeeze," and send your daughter to live with relatives. This has been done before all over the world.
I know I am being brutal here. I have heard that there is no better accountability partner for a newly recovering alcoholic than an "old drunk" who's been in AA for many years. The main reason why, is they can weed through the BS rather quickly,
You are among a group of "old codies" here, and we see you going through similar patterns that we have all been through.
If I had you in front of me right now, I would probably start our conversation with a swat on your backside, followed by a hug.
Woodland, you have asked for our advice. Please excuse my bluntness. If you were my brother, I would speak to you exactly this way. Here goes:
"This is the sadness about alcoholism. It has destroyed my family and somehow I have to accept it....."
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. SPOT ON. You have just articulated the whole point of our recovery program.
"and not only that be okay with endless ambiguity....... So it's either accept it and live in limbo...."
ABSOLUTELY WRONG. THIS IS B*LLSH#T. This is a false burden that you are not required to bear.
"leave it and accept the huge changes and costs that it would entail."
Right again!!! Nobody has ever claimed that recovery is easy. It is very hard. In this case, you MUST put your daughter first. She is the only innocent victim in this entire story. You must face the fact that something in your makeup drove you to marry an alcoholic.
" I had someone tell me about how co-dependent I was and it made me furious. Dealing with this in your personal life is hard enough...pretty sure NOBODY in this situation would not act in this fashion. So the prize for the spouse...being called co-dependent, losing so much. But the alcoholic who get's well is the hero. Sorry to be such a jerk tonight."
I have read many accounts at how pissed off an alcoholic gets when someone points out that they are an alcoholic. In fact, I believe this is universally true until they accept that they ARE and they are ready to RECOVER.
There are many ways to live and choices to make, Woodland. You have many options ahead of you. One option is to move in with your ex and her current "squeeze," and send your daughter to live with relatives. This has been done before all over the world.
I know I am being brutal here. I have heard that there is no better accountability partner for a newly recovering alcoholic than an "old drunk" who's been in AA for many years. The main reason why, is they can weed through the BS rather quickly,
You are among a group of "old codies" here, and we see you going through similar patterns that we have all been through.
If I had you in front of me right now, I would probably start our conversation with a swat on your backside, followed by a hug.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Originally Posted by woodlandlost 
And on top of it all, the spouse, must examine themselves and take on the burden of blame. Aren't all relationships work, don't we all struggle, don't we all have to trim the branches and encourage new growth...isn't that natural?
I understand you do like the term codependent. I didn't either. I wasn't the one with the drinking problem, why the hell should I shoulder any of the blame? He was the one that drank, he was the one that lied, he was the one making bad decisions about EVERYTHING... and I was the one holding our family together. Why the hell should I be labelled!!!
After having a full blown anxiety/panic attack in a grocery store one day, I managed to walk myself into the medical clinic that was in the store. (An amazing feat considering the tunnel vision, racing heart and inability to breathe...)The doctor took one look at me and started asking what was going on in my life. The list was extensive, but I managed to choke most of it out through the tears... alcoholic husband (and all that entails), he just got a dui, 2 teenagers each acting up in different ways, off work myself with a major injury dealing with WCB, both my parents not well, dad in hospital, dad also alcoholic, my husband and I were embattled in a scathing war with his parents... we lived in a rural area and I was the only one in the household with a drivers license... and that's not even everything. I was soooo overwhelmed. The doctor actually gave me a hug and said, "You have to let me help you, you have way too much on your plate, you can't do this alone".... he wrote me an Rx for meds and another Rx to a local counselling facility. He sent me straight there.
They did an intake "interview" with me to see which counselor would be the best fit. I told this man everything I had told the doctor at the walk-in clinic and he just listened wide eyed as I explained all I had going on. When I got done crying and retelling it all over again twice in the same day, after having never told anyone, he said I have one more question.
"If you could describe yourself in just one word what would that word be?"
I didn't even think about it, I just said, "Loyal"
I realize now that the word should have been "Codependent".
Not because I deserved to be labeled as some kind of culprit, but because it is just one tidy word that encompasses all the ways my behaviors were contributing to the break down of my own health. It's not that I wasn't loyal, I absolutely was, to a fault. My "loyalty" to him hadn't helped him and it had hurt me, a lot... AND it hurt my kids because I was not being my best ME, so I wasn't being the best mother I could be. I did have to own my part in the dysfunction. It was the only way forward.
I hope something in my story can be of value to you.
Hang in there... this is really tough stuff. If you haven't read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie I highly recommend it. You don't have to identify as codependent to get a whole lot of knowledge and wisdom from that book. It changed my life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Smallbutmighty:
Thank you very much for your story and yes, I do identify with quite a bit of it. Scary to be feeling so out out of control...I am JUST keeping it together on the home front, always keeping my game face on for my kid...not putting her in the cross hairs. But yes to all. I have to solve these issues on my own. I am responsible for how I am feeling and acting.
Thank you very much for your story and yes, I do identify with quite a bit of it. Scary to be feeling so out out of control...I am JUST keeping it together on the home front, always keeping my game face on for my kid...not putting her in the cross hairs. But yes to all. I have to solve these issues on my own. I am responsible for how I am feeling and acting.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: England U.K.
Posts: 62
When my ExAH used to ask me about US and our relationship...often..My natural answer was, our relationship at this point is zero, you need to fix your Alcoholism (ie detox, recovery) 1st before there’s any kind of discussion about our relationship. I felt yr AW was saying exactly that to You. She realises she’s so ill in detox, that has to come first or there will def be no future relationship. She Carnt focus on that now. I’m afraid you don’t come into it right now at all.
That was my experience.
That was my experience.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
It just hurts so much. We understand.
Our expectations of our future have been changed and our loved one has changed.
This week I have ranted, cried, been strong, defiant and assertive. All within the same hour sometimes!
It's all normal. At least we are trying to sort out our feelings and thoughts.
Our expectations of our future have been changed and our loved one has changed.
This week I have ranted, cried, been strong, defiant and assertive. All within the same hour sometimes!
It's all normal. At least we are trying to sort out our feelings and thoughts.
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Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 216
I suggest you see your X wife as a seriously ill person, and then sex will be out of the picture! As im sure you dont wish to engage in those things with someone who needs serious (professional) HELP and not any sexual activities whatsoever instead...hope this helps! Blessings!!!!!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Woodland ,so sorry for your pain but please understand your daughter is far more aware than you may realize of the tension and your focus on the addict no matter how good your "game face" may be.
What is best for her?
What is best for her?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Originally Posted by woodlandlost
Scary to be feeling so out out of control...I am JUST keeping it together on the home front, always keeping my game face on for my kid...not putting her in the cross hairs. But yes to all. I have to solve these issues on my own. I am responsible for how I am feeling and acting.
It wont always feel like this WLL. I promise. Keep breathing, keep educating yourself and just keep putting one foot in front of the other...you will come out the other side of this. When we know better we do better and you are making progress. Keep talking to us, it really helps to be able to vent... and you may not realize it, but many, many people read here and never post. Hearing your story is probably helping so many other people going though the same torment. *hugs*
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Smallbutmighty:
I have been up since 4am at least. I am struggling to keep it together right now. I am so hurt and angry....how did I let this happen to me. I am so sad that she will move on from me after being there and standing by her for all these years. I need to talk to someone...hunting down a counsellor right now...this is insane.
I have been up since 4am at least. I am struggling to keep it together right now. I am so hurt and angry....how did I let this happen to me. I am so sad that she will move on from me after being there and standing by her for all these years. I need to talk to someone...hunting down a counsellor right now...this is insane.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
It is a real struggle and I know how you feel, I've been there. Luckily at the time I had no one to look after except myself, which in a way is perhaps not even a good thing, I don't know.
What I do know. First, try not to panic. Panic is the enemy right now, trust me on this. It can be hard to calm yourself but there is help, you will feel better and soon, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Try to get some normalcy. While everything in your world seems unmanageable and upside down. Spend time with anyone you trust, be that on the phone or in person if possible.
And remember, this is not "the end", she is not dying, she is doing whatever she is doing right now but the bottom line is, save yourself. You are going to be ok, really.
As for sleeping, eating etc - it is imperative, in fact it should be at the very top of your list. Do what you have to do to get some sleep, even if that means some otc stuff. Eat even if you don't want to, yes, that's not easy but it can be done and it is so important - at the very least even milkshakes or smoothies at mcdonalds, anything will do except not eating.
What I do know. First, try not to panic. Panic is the enemy right now, trust me on this. It can be hard to calm yourself but there is help, you will feel better and soon, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Try to get some normalcy. While everything in your world seems unmanageable and upside down. Spend time with anyone you trust, be that on the phone or in person if possible.
And remember, this is not "the end", she is not dying, she is doing whatever she is doing right now but the bottom line is, save yourself. You are going to be ok, really.
As for sleeping, eating etc - it is imperative, in fact it should be at the very top of your list. Do what you have to do to get some sleep, even if that means some otc stuff. Eat even if you don't want to, yes, that's not easy but it can be done and it is so important - at the very least even milkshakes or smoothies at mcdonalds, anything will do except not eating.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Hey Woodland,
This isn’t something new, not the alcoholism, not her abandoning your daughter, not the boyfriend, not her sleeping in a van down by the river.
What may be new is your unwillingness to be in denial. What has happened, is happening is incredibly painful, but it’s been painful, from what I’ve read, for a decade.
Thats a hell of a pain tolerance that has not benefited you, except for the occasional booty call, at all. You’re allowing someone that doesn’t care about themselves, their child, or you right now control your entire life.
Time is ticking and each day you let you XAW in your head like a brain slug you miss the opportunities to repair your relationship with your daughter.
Good luck man, you can do it.
This isn’t something new, not the alcoholism, not her abandoning your daughter, not the boyfriend, not her sleeping in a van down by the river.
What may be new is your unwillingness to be in denial. What has happened, is happening is incredibly painful, but it’s been painful, from what I’ve read, for a decade.
Thats a hell of a pain tolerance that has not benefited you, except for the occasional booty call, at all. You’re allowing someone that doesn’t care about themselves, their child, or you right now control your entire life.
Time is ticking and each day you let you XAW in your head like a brain slug you miss the opportunities to repair your relationship with your daughter.
Good luck man, you can do it.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Beachn's point about you no longer willing to stay in denial about behavior that has gone on for years is a really good one.
It's hard to face, but you are strong and have already had the courage to take the first step. You are the parent your daughter can rely on.
It's hard to face, but you are strong and have already had the courage to take the first step. You are the parent your daughter can rely on.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
I have had quite a day. Love the BRAIN SLUG reference. I actually feel one burrowing from one temple to the other.
Long story short: I have thought a lot about the disrespect and BS (cheating etc), that alone is cause to run for the hills. I can still be a kind person to her but I don't have to place my life on hold for her. I can start to re-build but it is gonna take time to block her out and the power she has over me and my mind. I am still in the prime of my life, I have to rescue myself. Thank you to ALL who have chimed in and who have PM'd me. It is so nice to get comfort from someone I have needed this today. High five to you all
Long story short: I have thought a lot about the disrespect and BS (cheating etc), that alone is cause to run for the hills. I can still be a kind person to her but I don't have to place my life on hold for her. I can start to re-build but it is gonna take time to block her out and the power she has over me and my mind. I am still in the prime of my life, I have to rescue myself. Thank you to ALL who have chimed in and who have PM'd me. It is so nice to get comfort from someone I have needed this today. High five to you all
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
You have turned a corner. This doesn't mean that you are free and clear of this mess just yet, which you acknowledge but hold on to this new clarity you have.
It will take a little time (probably less than you think, but either way, it's the right path for you).
It's that moment when you say, hang on, I am putting up with this for exactly what reason? Don't kick yourself (if you are inclined to do that), none of this is easy, it takes time.
You are thinking, you are getting some distance, you are detaching a bit, you are on the right path. Small steps at first, you are going to be fine.
It will take a little time (probably less than you think, but either way, it's the right path for you).
It's that moment when you say, hang on, I am putting up with this for exactly what reason? Don't kick yourself (if you are inclined to do that), none of this is easy, it takes time.
You are thinking, you are getting some distance, you are detaching a bit, you are on the right path. Small steps at first, you are going to be fine.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
WL, you will slowly start to find clarity... one tiny step leads to another. It’s possible to find that inner peace through detachment. I can’t fully explain but it does happen. The shift does kick in. You know my story. I’m on 4 months of NC... & I’m finally feeling better. My thoughts and focus on my ex is down to only 5% of my day. Instead of 99.9%! I think of her for a second here & there but I’m no longer focused on her or her addiction ...worried... angry... overwhelmingly sad... that’s the difference. Curing the obsession & constant worry is possible. One day you just wake up and feel different, lighter, happier. It’s possible... a better life is right around the corner. So hard to see clearly or dream right now for you I’m sure but just know, inner peace is there if you want it badly enough.
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