Why do I feel so guilty?

Old 08-05-2019, 08:58 AM
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Why do I feel so guilty?

After a three year relationship, the last of which was spent in chaos as a result of my XBFs alcoholic demise, I finally had the courage to part ways with him, leaving him now with absolutely nothing to cling to. He is sad and angry, and very deeply depressed. He can’t seem to comprehend that it’s not my responsibility to provide him with a normal life. While we were together he enjoyed spending time at my house, (he has bounced around from room rental to living in car so hasn’t had a home for years) with my dog, going out to dinner or on mink vacations-all at my expense. Now that has all been taken away from him, and he can’t understand why I would do such a thing. He can’t relate his behavior over the past year (which has involved verbal/mental abuse, police, jail, hospital) to my decision at all. In his eyes he was happy with our relationship, and now I’ve destroyed him. I know I’ve done the right thing, but why do I feel sooooo terrible about it??
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Old 08-05-2019, 09:07 AM
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It's easy to forget in a relationship with an alcoholic that we deserve to be happy and peaceful even if it means letting the alcoholic go to find their own way.

Your guilt is misplaced. He is not a child you have abandoned, he is a grown man and responsible for the consequences of his actions. You don't have to convince him of that fact in order for it to be true.

Have you considered going no contact with him until you can move past this place where you are susceptible to his manipulation?
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Old 08-05-2019, 09:07 AM
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I have a theory that many of us, particularly women, are hardwired to nurture. An addict in many ways becomes infantilized as their willingness to do anything related to adult responsibilities or behavior erodes.

So what’s left is basically a child in an adult’s body. They cry and tantrum when their toys are taken away, and because we are hardwired to respond to a child in distress, it’s extremely hard not to jump in and give them what they want.

He is an adult. He can make choices to get his own life and his own toys.

Wishing you peace of mind.
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Old 08-05-2019, 10:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Angel65 View Post
I know I’ve done the right thing, but why do I feel sooooo terrible about it??
Who wouldn't. You would have to be pretty hard-hearted not to. No one likes to see someone hurting.

That said, you did do the right thing!

He is sad and angry, and very deeply depressed.
Well yes, however don't forget he is an adult and can make his own choices, just like you have. You aren't his Mom, you did not "abandon" your child. He could stop drinking and <gasp> go and get a job! Heck lots of people drink every day and still have jobs. How about that, how about working to pay your own way? He could be at an AA meeting right now. But that is entirely up to him.

Enabling him to carry on at your expense is not a worthwhile endeavor, it doesn't help you and honestly it doesn't help him.

So feel free to put aside that guilt and really, a period of no contact with him would be to your benefit. Leaving the relationship behind but having him tell you how awful it is for him every day is completely counter-productive (for you and for him). A simple - we can't talk for a while, would suffice.

Keep posting.
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Old 08-05-2019, 10:52 AM
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what we have here is the classic addict reaction to being told NO.
he's pitching a fit and trying to MAKE YOU feel bad for him, so you will open your wallet and sprinkle money all over him again. THAT is what he is upset about. room and board, food, soap, hell even a dog to play with. meanwhile he had ZERO responsibility for anything.

he's perfectly capable to taking care of himself. he found you didn't he?
he will not starve. he will not end up frozen to a park bench. he'll use his "skills" to get something else lined up - either thru taking personal autonomy for himself and his life, or finding someone else to feel sorry for him.
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Old 08-05-2019, 11:39 AM
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Boy howdy do I recognize the guilt trip. What kind of person AM I? How can I do this and make him feel so depressed? I loved this person! I must be a monster! First, you did NOT make him feel anyway. He is in charge of his own self. Hasn’t his behavior shown you that his attitude is “you’re not the boss of me”. Secondly, you are a good person, you gave and gave. He took and took, why would that dynamic in your relationship change during a breakup? He is still taking by acting like a baby, and your still giving out kindness by feeling guilty. You do not deserve to feel guilt. You showed him what life could be, he chooses to live in its underbelly. As the saying goes: you can lead a horse to water. It will be exciting to see the glory of your rewards that you will reap from all the love and giving that you sowed. ❤️
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