reflection. What is it about me that draws all this chaos into my life? I see myself as a simple woman who just wants a simple content life. Here I reflect on my part in this madness.
1. Being a teacher, my whole career was in guiding and showing our youth a better direction and offering choices. It can get pretty heady having that kind of authority. My part: I translated that into my personal life. If you just do it my way all will be well! Wrong #1.

2. Mattering. My perception of being someone who matters to others is skewed. I’ve been thru enough therapy to know it’s daddy issues. I have a good dad, but, I always felt second to him...second to my mom, second to his friends, second, just plain second. I e spent a good portion of my life trying to do and please and show him I was worth it. I never understood that I was worth it all along and that others mattered to him too and that he might be having his own identity issues he’s dealing with. I translated that to my dealings with other men; I had to come first always in all things or the love wasn’t right. Selfish. Wrong #2

3. Hero worship. Who doesn’t love a hero? The good guy in the story? Picturing myself as the protagonist in my own story placing myself as the hero. My fatal flaw was I was being the hero to everyone but MYSELF. Manipulation wrong #3

4. My mother told me when I was young to always remember that I am not better than anyone else and others are not better than me. At some pint in my journey I started to evaluate people and situations as I saw fit to determine if I wanted to be part of that or not. Healthy choices, right? Perhaps, but when those evaluations turn to judgements I began to skate on thin and lonely ice. Judgements wrong #4

5. I lost my brother and sister when they were very young so I grew up alone and the focus of my parents. I was the beloved child that lived. That focus, that intense love skewed my perceptions of community and family. It’s been hard for me to let go of my own adult children. It’s been hard for me to feel like I fit into a family structure to share. It’s been hard for me to share friendships because after all, the focus should be all in me...right? Enmeshment wring #5

6. Freedom means a lot to me. I resent being fenced in. I want the freedom to be who I am, and do as I please. That makes control a huge issue in my life. I fancy myself as a string independent woman. Yay. But when that independence does not take into account the feelings of others in the manner in which I speak or the things I do, I become a myopic individual who lacks empathy. Narrow minded wrong # 6

7. Honesty. Huge issue for me. Trying to be perfect has led me to live and paint a picture to others that isn’t true. I believe being here on SR is the most honest I’ve been with others in a long time. I lie to be loved and fit in. I lie about my strength and abilities. Mostly I lie to myself to create a make believe life that feels right for me. Life has a way tho, of holding ones feet to reality’s fire. I lied to myself thinking I could mold AH into the man I wanted, not who he is. How cruel that was. And now that he is being authentic, I don’t like what it takes to be real because it doesn’t fit into my white picket fence Disneyland world. Deception wrong #7.

im working on me now. I love the AH and what he used to be. I love how he tried for me and gave it his all. He doesn’t have to take the fall for my failings. You guys are the best. Thanks for reading. ❤️

Anndddd..... AH just got a text this morning; his second cousin around 29 years old? Died in a car crash last night. His cousin was under the influence. Alcohol related. And the hits keep on coming....

I’m still divorcing him tho....

and indeed it is. My children make more sense to me now. Wow. SR has brilliant people on it. Thank you!

working on it...🤗