ironwill

Hi all,
I am a husband of a AW. My AW started her Journey with AA almost 90 days ago. She is going strong and is all in. She see's the peace that has brought other members and wants that bad. She has a great sponsor and has completed the first 3 steps and is starting to work on the 4th. At first I was very paranoid due to the fact that the person who told her she probably had a drinking problem (not me) is a very controlling type of guy. They had become BF after a church synod weekend event almost a year ago. I had no problem with him at first, but it seemed likes she was texting him and talking to him more then me as the months went by. We had a few arguments about it at the very beginning of her AA journey. Her saying there is nothing happening and me saying I know, but I feel like you go to him first with issues then I find out usually 4-6 hours latter when I get home from work. At the time i felt like she didn't think I would give any good advice and this guy is really good with words and manipulating things to his advantage. I have never been a person with a big vocabulary. He is also a recovering Alcoholic for many years. When my AW first started AA he would take her to meeting and I would sit at home with the kids my mind going crazy. I was also not happy with this, but I wanted her to get the support she needed. She has since found an all women's ground and is very happy with it. In the last month she has come to realize that he has not been good for her and the texting has died down allot and my paranoia about him has also died.

While I am grateful that it showed my wife that she needed help. It has also hurt our marriage from my paranoia. On a scale of 1 to 10 she ranks our relationship as a whole a 6.5 it was a 7.5 about a month ago when we had a talk about it. ( a few more fights over phone usage). I had given us a 8 - 8.5 a month ago. after talking last night I had given us a 7.5. I told her last night(we had a great conversation) that I understand that she was going to be busy allot with her sponsor and that I now know that this is helping her get to that place she wants to be. She has also said that I am her best friend and that she loves me. She is also my best friend and love of my life. I can't image spending the rest of my life with anyone else. She also said she doesn't know how coming to this peaceful state of mind, she is looking for will affect our marriage. I told her that I felt it would make it stronger, she saying she didn't know. She just knows that there is something missing. Sorry for the long rant I just felt I needed to give a bit of back story before I ask my questions.

Does your marriage get stronger as the person goes through more of the steps of AA? Do you feel AA come before or after the marriage vows? What is some advice you could give a newbe who loves his wife and supports her fully in this recovery. I'm sure i will have more question and am thinking about attending and AL-ANON meeting but that is enough for my first post.

Thank you for all that respond.

hopeful4

Hello and welcome!

I think your wife sounds like she is doing some good work. I also credit her for when she became uncomfortable that she sought out a women's group. You both may want to look into Celebrate Recovery which is similar to AA/Alanon, however, it's always women with women and men with men, and I think that's wise.

I don't think grading your marriage is a great thing to do. Recovery, and life, ebb and flow. What may be a 10 day today could be a 1 day tomorrow. There is a reason it's a moment, a day, at a time. This can be applied to all of life.

I would say that you should support her as a person and not get too involved in her recovery. I would focus on YOU, and getting yourself into the best frame of mind that you possibly can.

Recovery is selfish. It's a time to focus on yourself, and your own being well. It's a great time for you to do that for you as well.

If it's an issue, I know our Celebrate Recovery has free child care, many of them do. What I did like about CR for couples is that you start in a large group setting all together then split into small groups according to gender and issue. This may be a good fit for the both of you, and something you could do together. I encourage you to check it out. It helped me through some of my darkest days.

This is also a place of great support. Keep reading, keep sharing.

I am sorry for what brings you here, but really glad you are here!

LovePeaceSushi

Does your church offer any kind of counseling? That would be my first go-to if it does. I don't think AA has to come before or after the marriage. I think it can coincide. Your wife being so close with a member of the opposite sex is her playing with fire. I think, in a marriage, one needs to ask themselves "would I say/do this if my partner was right beside me?" If the answer is "no", then you've crossed a line. Emotional affairs are very real and can be every bit as destructive as physical affairs.

It sounds like she's cooled off of this person, and that is good. I think being in an all women's group is good as well, because there she can feel free to discuss things openly whereas in a mixed group there might be reason to hold back in some areas.

Unfortunately, my husband has never really gotten into any long-term recovery program. From what I've read, though, the dynamics can change in a marriage during recovery, offering challenges of their own. Going to Al-Anon could help you with that, and if you're religious, I think prayer can help with that, too.

trailmix

Hi ironwill and welcome. I think probably the most important thing you can do right now, for yourself and for her is to learn more about alcoholism.

We have a wealth of information here at SR, including many threads in the stickies section at the top, this is a good place to start if you are interested:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

You are focused on your marriage and whether AA comes before your marriage vows (not exactly sure what you mean by that) but your wife's recovery from alcoholism needs to be her first priority, always. That's kind of the way it works. She will never not be an alcoholic and needs to remain vigilant.

Regardless of how the marriage is going, I admire her for her dedication to getting out from under her addiction.

She said something is missing in your marriage, perhaps that is where you start. That is something you can actually focus on. Perhaps marriage counselling is in order? Perhaps you need to step up and see what's missing. Attention, care, interest, where do you fit in to this?

Hawkeye13

Was she drinking heavily since you've been together? Sometimes if the addiction is long term, the addict simply doesn't know "who they are" as a sober person, and indeed their personality may be very different which can shake up a relationship.

I agree that getting some joint counseling, not "grading" your marriage, and focusing on your own recovery would be a good start towards full healing.

She's doing hard work on recovery, and as said above, it is a time where the addict is self-centered to some degree because they have to put a lot of energy into getting out of the orbit of addiction.

ironwill

Thanks for the help. She was never a heavy drinker glass or 2 of wine or a vodka and soda with dinner. The main reasoning for doing AA and what made me change my mind t she needed help was that she was looking forward to the next time she would drink.
When I said which came first AA OR marriage vows. I guess I really meant does it make the marriage stronger or the things that are learned in the steps make you have to reevaluate the goals and aspirations you had before the journey.

I also didn't like putting a number on our relationship. It was something her therapist asked her and then she asked me. I also realized that it can change from day to day. From event to event in one's life. It's taken me up until a few days ago to realize that she needs a lot of time working through the steps and I shouldn't get upset that she is busy with her sponsor. It was the main reason we would argue in the past few weeks. We don't have lots of arguments. Maybe 5 to 8 in the last 6 month's. Mainly with having to do with the BF she had meet and my distrust of him. Only lattley about so much time with AA. I have come to realize she needs this time to understand the steps. I plan on givinging her that time without complaint or judgement.

I do care for her and am all behind her in this journey she has embarked on. I do give her attention and have asked her what she feels is missing in her heart. She said it might not be with our relationship just knows that something is missing. It can't be kids we have 5 of those. LOL. I just wanted help her figure it out, but know this is a jouney she has to take and will let me in on the parts she feels like. I don't plan to pry or ask just support her when she ask for it.

endofmyrope65

You have every reason to be concerned about the BF. Don't be surprised if they took their communications underground.

If I were you, I'd do some snooping around and see if this guy is really gone and they did not have a physical affair. Read up on the 13th step.

Go get a STD check just in case.

I find it fascinating that there are so few stories about AW vs AH.
I have an AW who was too "friendly" with both eth men and women at her AA group. She's no longer going as it began to be destructive to her.

She's still drinking but not at the level she was.

After all is said and done, if she got close to another man now, I'll divorce her, no questions asked. I've had enough of this A merry-go-round.