My wife is going to kill herself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 2
My wife is going to kill herself.
My wife is an alcoholic, and I guess I was just wondering if anyone had any general advice on what to do or where to find any information on what to do.
She has always been a drinker, but has started drinking much more the last couple years.
The last several months she has been making some efforts to stop or slow down, but her drinking has started to have more consequences. She stopped drinking for a few days and had some fairly significant withdrawal symptoms, including hallucinations. After her symptoms started to improve she started drinking again. A few weeks later we were snowed in, and she decided to use the opportunity to quit drinking. After a few days she had a seizure and hit her head on the tile floor and cracked her head open. I got her to a hospital, but she was discharged quickly, and started drinking again later that same day. A few days later she was admitted to another hospital for a week because of seizures and withdrawal symptoms. A few days after she was discharged, we got her into an inpatient rehab facility for a month. She started drinking again a couple days after she came home. After a few weeks she got herself into another inpatient facility just for detox. She was supposed to be there for just a few days, but after a day or so they called me to say that she had been transferred to the ICU at the local hospital, and she ended up there for almost three weeks. When she came home she was sober for a couple days and started drinking again.
Since then, she has been able to function more or less, but I don’t know how much she has been drinking. I keep stumbling across her hidden alcohol caches. I found a bunch of cans of seltzers in a compartment in the car yesterday, and I didn’t even bother to do anything with it. It seems to have disappeared today, and I asked her about it. She said that she didn’t drink it all, she just moved it to a different hiding place. So I guess she is now planning on continuing to drink behind my back, and just hide it from me.
I don’t know what to do. Should I be finding and destroying her alcohol? That seems pointless. If I do, she will just buy more (and with my money.) I have no idea what to do to help her, or if it is even possible to help her. Is there a way I can encourage her to be sober? I have no idea what to do.
She has always been a drinker, but has started drinking much more the last couple years.
The last several months she has been making some efforts to stop or slow down, but her drinking has started to have more consequences. She stopped drinking for a few days and had some fairly significant withdrawal symptoms, including hallucinations. After her symptoms started to improve she started drinking again. A few weeks later we were snowed in, and she decided to use the opportunity to quit drinking. After a few days she had a seizure and hit her head on the tile floor and cracked her head open. I got her to a hospital, but she was discharged quickly, and started drinking again later that same day. A few days later she was admitted to another hospital for a week because of seizures and withdrawal symptoms. A few days after she was discharged, we got her into an inpatient rehab facility for a month. She started drinking again a couple days after she came home. After a few weeks she got herself into another inpatient facility just for detox. She was supposed to be there for just a few days, but after a day or so they called me to say that she had been transferred to the ICU at the local hospital, and she ended up there for almost three weeks. When she came home she was sober for a couple days and started drinking again.
Since then, she has been able to function more or less, but I don’t know how much she has been drinking. I keep stumbling across her hidden alcohol caches. I found a bunch of cans of seltzers in a compartment in the car yesterday, and I didn’t even bother to do anything with it. It seems to have disappeared today, and I asked her about it. She said that she didn’t drink it all, she just moved it to a different hiding place. So I guess she is now planning on continuing to drink behind my back, and just hide it from me.
I don’t know what to do. Should I be finding and destroying her alcohol? That seems pointless. If I do, she will just buy more (and with my money.) I have no idea what to do to help her, or if it is even possible to help her. Is there a way I can encourage her to be sober? I have no idea what to do.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Location: northeast, United States
Posts: 12
Cappy,
Our stories are very similar. My heart aches for you, her alcoholism will drain you both. Talking to my AW never worked for me.
What is working at the moment is me taking care of myself. My inner strength is having a greater impact on my AW then any words could say. Without me as a safety net my AW is realizing she needs to make this decision to change on her own.
I will pray that the moment comes for her and she elects to seeks treatment.
Our stories are very similar. My heart aches for you, her alcoholism will drain you both. Talking to my AW never worked for me.
What is working at the moment is me taking care of myself. My inner strength is having a greater impact on my AW then any words could say. Without me as a safety net my AW is realizing she needs to make this decision to change on her own.
I will pray that the moment comes for her and she elects to seeks treatment.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Hello and so sorry for what you are going through.
this sounds like a crisis situation. On the aeroplane, when the oxygen masks come down, you are told to fit your own mask before you attempt to help anyone else.
It is vitally important that you look after yourself now. Do you have family or friends that you can reach out to?
Have you been to Al anon?
There is very little you can do to help your wife until she is ready to help herself.
But you can deal with the situation from a place of strength if you look after yourself.
Reading around this forum you will find many stories not too different from your own and you will find wisdom, strength and hope from the people that wrote them.
Keep posting, keep reading and hang on in there
this sounds like a crisis situation. On the aeroplane, when the oxygen masks come down, you are told to fit your own mask before you attempt to help anyone else.
It is vitally important that you look after yourself now. Do you have family or friends that you can reach out to?
Have you been to Al anon?
There is very little you can do to help your wife until she is ready to help herself.
But you can deal with the situation from a place of strength if you look after yourself.
Reading around this forum you will find many stories not too different from your own and you will find wisdom, strength and hope from the people that wrote them.
Keep posting, keep reading and hang on in there
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Cappyjack 
I have no idea what to do.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,695
You need to find help for yourself. Have you looked into Al-Anon? What you need is to understand what her drinking is doing to you. You are the one who is going to change. You cannot control anyone but yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Cappyjack, ...deeply sorry to hear about your wife’s alcoholism. It’s such an extremely overwhelming and heartbreaking experience to watch someone you love destroy their life (& relationship). I can very much relate to your story.
For many years I watched my ex girlfriend battle seizures and heavy drinking... it’s a painful cycle.
First - you’ve come to a very helpful forum... one that honestly saved me (& still does). It’s a huge resource. So many people will provide support & suggestions for YOU. And see, that’s the thing you learn... you sadly can’t control your wife’s addiction... her decisions or actions.
From experience, when you’re dealing with seizures it’s torturous to watch. It was eventually, for me... my breaking point. My ex nearly died in my arms from a massive seizure a few nights before I left the relationship and went completely no contact.
When an addict gets this bad - I don’t suggest throwing out their booze or limiting anything (from your end). Drinking heavily is heart breaking to witness, but 100% her choice. It’s HER addiction. If you try to dump out... limit.... throw away — it could just create another possible seizure. Plus it’s just creating more heartache for you... trying to control an addicts booze is a wasted effort honestly.
Right now, all you can do... and have been doing... is to provide a safe pillow & calling 911 if needed. Or, deciding you personally can’t live like that anymore. That’s where I was. Exactly where you are. I was always seeking for some golden advice... what more could I do for them!!? There’s only one thing: get support & help for yourself! Her disease will (& probably already has) been eating you alive emotionally & physically. It will break you down. You need support: therapy (really helps!), Al Anon, friends/family, this forum. Support... not to talk about her... but to discuss your needs, life, dreams, well-being.
Why? Because you can only control yourself. Your wife is an addict. She’ll keep drinking... as she’s been doing... up until she decides... if she ever does... to live a sober life. This may come, or never. That’s what you learn here. Alcoholism is a nightmare and extremely difficult to understand for non addicts. Change doesn’t happen because WE want them to. Ugh, how I wish...
It’s a process and I so badly wish there was some magic answer for you besides calling 911 when needed for your wife.
A lot of folks will give you solid advice here... we all share so many common experiences.
We are here for you. We feel your pain.
For many years I watched my ex girlfriend battle seizures and heavy drinking... it’s a painful cycle.
First - you’ve come to a very helpful forum... one that honestly saved me (& still does). It’s a huge resource. So many people will provide support & suggestions for YOU. And see, that’s the thing you learn... you sadly can’t control your wife’s addiction... her decisions or actions.
From experience, when you’re dealing with seizures it’s torturous to watch. It was eventually, for me... my breaking point. My ex nearly died in my arms from a massive seizure a few nights before I left the relationship and went completely no contact.
When an addict gets this bad - I don’t suggest throwing out their booze or limiting anything (from your end). Drinking heavily is heart breaking to witness, but 100% her choice. It’s HER addiction. If you try to dump out... limit.... throw away — it could just create another possible seizure. Plus it’s just creating more heartache for you... trying to control an addicts booze is a wasted effort honestly.
Right now, all you can do... and have been doing... is to provide a safe pillow & calling 911 if needed. Or, deciding you personally can’t live like that anymore. That’s where I was. Exactly where you are. I was always seeking for some golden advice... what more could I do for them!!? There’s only one thing: get support & help for yourself! Her disease will (& probably already has) been eating you alive emotionally & physically. It will break you down. You need support: therapy (really helps!), Al Anon, friends/family, this forum. Support... not to talk about her... but to discuss your needs, life, dreams, well-being.
Why? Because you can only control yourself. Your wife is an addict. She’ll keep drinking... as she’s been doing... up until she decides... if she ever does... to live a sober life. This may come, or never. That’s what you learn here. Alcoholism is a nightmare and extremely difficult to understand for non addicts. Change doesn’t happen because WE want them to. Ugh, how I wish...
It’s a process and I so badly wish there was some magic answer for you besides calling 911 when needed for your wife.
A lot of folks will give you solid advice here... we all share so many common experiences.
We are here for you. We feel your pain.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Welcome. Sorry to read of the situation you are in. Heart breaking.
I am also married to an alcoholic who is very ill from his alcohol abuse, he continues to drink.
I urge you to take care of yourself and your health.
Sadly alcoholics are going to do what they are going to do. No one else can stop them, they are the only ones who can decide when they are ready to quit. We have to protect ourselves from their actions.
Attending Al-anon and working their program has been an enormous help to me. AH and I live in peace, most of the time.
I am also married to an alcoholic who is very ill from his alcohol abuse, he continues to drink.
I urge you to take care of yourself and your health.
Sadly alcoholics are going to do what they are going to do. No one else can stop them, they are the only ones who can decide when they are ready to quit. We have to protect ourselves from their actions.
Attending Al-anon and working their program has been an enormous help to me. AH and I live in peace, most of the time.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
These are very wise words.
I am so very sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here reaching out for support.
I am so very sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here reaching out for support.
Originally Posted by LifeChangeNYC
Cappyjack, ...deeply sorry to hear about your wife’s alcoholism. It’s such an extremely overwhelming and heartbreaking experience to watch someone you love destroy their life (& relationship). I can very much relate to your story.
For many years I watched my ex girlfriend battle seizures and heavy drinking... it’s a painful cycle.
First - you’ve come to a very helpful forum... one that honestly saved me (& still does). It’s a huge resource. So many people will provide support & suggestions for YOU. And see, that’s the thing you learn... you sadly can’t control your wife’s addiction... her decisions or actions.
From experience, when you’re dealing with seizures it’s torturous to watch. It was eventually, for me... my breaking point. My ex nearly died in my arms from a massive seizure a few nights before I left the relationship and went completely no contact.
When an addict gets this bad - I don’t suggest throwing out their booze or limiting anything (from your end). Drinking heavily is heart breaking to witness, but 100% her choice. It’s HER addiction. If you try to dump out... limit.... throw away — it could just create another possible seizure. Plus it’s just creating more heartache for you... trying to control an addicts booze is a wasted effort honestly.
Right now, all you can do... and have been doing... is to provide a safe pillow & calling 911 if needed. Or, deciding you personally can’t live like that anymore. That’s where I was. Exactly where you are. I was always seeking for some golden advice... what more could I do for them!!? There’s only one thing: get support & help for yourself! Her disease will (& probably already has) been eating you alive emotionally & physically. It will break you down. You need support: therapy (really helps!), Al Anon, friends/family, this forum. Support... not to talk about her... but to discuss your needs, life, dreams, well-being.
Why? Because you can only control yourself. Your wife is an addict. She’ll keep drinking... as she’s been doing... up until she decides... if she ever does... to live a sober life. This may come, or never. That’s what you learn here. Alcoholism is a nightmare and extremely difficult to understand for non addicts. Change doesn’t happen because WE want them to. Ugh, how I wish...
It’s a process and I so badly wish there was some magic answer for you besides calling 911 when needed for your wife.
A lot of folks will give you solid advice here... we all share so many common experiences.
We are here for you. We feel your pain.
For many years I watched my ex girlfriend battle seizures and heavy drinking... it’s a painful cycle.
First - you’ve come to a very helpful forum... one that honestly saved me (& still does). It’s a huge resource. So many people will provide support & suggestions for YOU. And see, that’s the thing you learn... you sadly can’t control your wife’s addiction... her decisions or actions.
From experience, when you’re dealing with seizures it’s torturous to watch. It was eventually, for me... my breaking point. My ex nearly died in my arms from a massive seizure a few nights before I left the relationship and went completely no contact.
When an addict gets this bad - I don’t suggest throwing out their booze or limiting anything (from your end). Drinking heavily is heart breaking to witness, but 100% her choice. It’s HER addiction. If you try to dump out... limit.... throw away — it could just create another possible seizure. Plus it’s just creating more heartache for you... trying to control an addicts booze is a wasted effort honestly.
Right now, all you can do... and have been doing... is to provide a safe pillow & calling 911 if needed. Or, deciding you personally can’t live like that anymore. That’s where I was. Exactly where you are. I was always seeking for some golden advice... what more could I do for them!!? There’s only one thing: get support & help for yourself! Her disease will (& probably already has) been eating you alive emotionally & physically. It will break you down. You need support: therapy (really helps!), Al Anon, friends/family, this forum. Support... not to talk about her... but to discuss your needs, life, dreams, well-being.
Why? Because you can only control yourself. Your wife is an addict. She’ll keep drinking... as she’s been doing... up until she decides... if she ever does... to live a sober life. This may come, or never. That’s what you learn here. Alcoholism is a nightmare and extremely difficult to understand for non addicts. Change doesn’t happen because WE want them to. Ugh, how I wish...
It’s a process and I so badly wish there was some magic answer for you besides calling 911 when needed for your wife.
A lot of folks will give you solid advice here... we all share so many common experiences.
We are here for you. We feel your pain.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
Cappyjack,
Welcome to Sober Recovery. The unfortunate answer is that there is nothing you can do to keep your wife from drinking, aside from praying that she decides to stop herself. I wouldn't throw the booze out. Like you said, she'll just go buy more, costing you more. (been there, done that) With each seizure and medical issue, you may think to yourself "Surely THIS will be the eye-opener!!", only to find that the alcoholic keeps drinking. (been there, done that too!)
Like others have said, I think the best thing to do for now is to "put your oxygen mask on" and get some support for YOU. This is a great place to start.....you may find Al-Anon to be beneficial as well. There is literature abounding out there for people in our situation. Just start educating yourself.....the more you know and understand about the dynamics of this nasty disease, the more peace and sanity you will have for yourself. (((HUGS)))
Welcome to Sober Recovery. The unfortunate answer is that there is nothing you can do to keep your wife from drinking, aside from praying that she decides to stop herself. I wouldn't throw the booze out. Like you said, she'll just go buy more, costing you more. (been there, done that) With each seizure and medical issue, you may think to yourself "Surely THIS will be the eye-opener!!", only to find that the alcoholic keeps drinking. (been there, done that too!)
Like others have said, I think the best thing to do for now is to "put your oxygen mask on" and get some support for YOU. This is a great place to start.....you may find Al-Anon to be beneficial as well. There is literature abounding out there for people in our situation. Just start educating yourself.....the more you know and understand about the dynamics of this nasty disease, the more peace and sanity you will have for yourself. (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I have no idea what to do to help her, or if it is even possible to help her. Is there a way I can encourage her to be sober? I have no idea what to do.
your wife's drinking is truly a problem that is beyond your power to resolve. keep in mind she has been to the ER, detox, inpatient, ICU....and a snowstorm! numerous opportunities where the focus was on HER and her HEALTH. and each and every time she turned her back on the solution, and returned to the problem.
her drinking sounds quite advanced. alcoholism is a progressive disease, and the X factor is how quickly it will progress. it might help if you see this AS a medical condition in which the patient HAS to accept that the condition is terminal UNLESS they agree to lifelong treatment. it's a bit like someone with diabetes who can successfully manage and life a long healthy life WITH their disease by taking measured steps on a regular ongoing basis.
it is also helpful to keep in mind that a patient has the right to refuse treatment. this is especially difficult for the loved ones, in particular those who live WITH the alcoholic. it seems simple enough....just stop drinking, problem solved. but for long term/progressed alcoholics, the very thought of NOT drinking is akin to not BREATHING. it has metastasized to their brain function, their belief system, their thinking, their daily life.
yet even in these cases, one can have what is called a Moment of Clarity. a time when the window to another way of life opens, however briefly. for some it comes as a spiritual awakening. for others a close call with death. they have a choice in those moments to respond. some do, some don't.
you unfortunately are now in damage control. sure you can keep finding the secret stash and dumping it out. but there are always more stashes you haven't found. you can cut off access to funds - which could precipitate withdrawal and more hallucinations and seizures, which could literally be deadly for her. you could possibly force her into treatment via some "danger to self" or other mental health means. you could take every extraordinary measure possible and you still could not assure she will never drink again.
as other kind and caring SR members have stated, now is the time to get some help for YOU. you need not go this alone. you should NOT go this alone. Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, speaking to your pastor, making an appointment with a therapist who specializes in addiction are all options of support for you. none of these methods will cure your wife....that is not their aim.
i am so sorry you are dealing with all this. it's tragic and mind boggling. i hope SR brings you a small measure of peace.
your wife's drinking is truly a problem that is beyond your power to resolve. keep in mind she has been to the ER, detox, inpatient, ICU....and a snowstorm! numerous opportunities where the focus was on HER and her HEALTH. and each and every time she turned her back on the solution, and returned to the problem.
her drinking sounds quite advanced. alcoholism is a progressive disease, and the X factor is how quickly it will progress. it might help if you see this AS a medical condition in which the patient HAS to accept that the condition is terminal UNLESS they agree to lifelong treatment. it's a bit like someone with diabetes who can successfully manage and life a long healthy life WITH their disease by taking measured steps on a regular ongoing basis.
it is also helpful to keep in mind that a patient has the right to refuse treatment. this is especially difficult for the loved ones, in particular those who live WITH the alcoholic. it seems simple enough....just stop drinking, problem solved. but for long term/progressed alcoholics, the very thought of NOT drinking is akin to not BREATHING. it has metastasized to their brain function, their belief system, their thinking, their daily life.
yet even in these cases, one can have what is called a Moment of Clarity. a time when the window to another way of life opens, however briefly. for some it comes as a spiritual awakening. for others a close call with death. they have a choice in those moments to respond. some do, some don't.
you unfortunately are now in damage control. sure you can keep finding the secret stash and dumping it out. but there are always more stashes you haven't found. you can cut off access to funds - which could precipitate withdrawal and more hallucinations and seizures, which could literally be deadly for her. you could possibly force her into treatment via some "danger to self" or other mental health means. you could take every extraordinary measure possible and you still could not assure she will never drink again.
as other kind and caring SR members have stated, now is the time to get some help for YOU. you need not go this alone. you should NOT go this alone. Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, speaking to your pastor, making an appointment with a therapist who specializes in addiction are all options of support for you. none of these methods will cure your wife....that is not their aim.
i am so sorry you are dealing with all this. it's tragic and mind boggling. i hope SR brings you a small measure of peace.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Cappyjack. Welcome.
Your story just breaks my heart, for you and for your wife. I'm a recovered alcoholic and have also been on the other side, watching several of my loved ones kill themselves with alcohol. By the Grace of God, I have 21 years of continuous sobriety, and I don't know why me and not my brother, my dad, my ex-husband, aunts, uncles, and on down the line.
One hundred percent, I agree with every word Anvilhead said. Please read and reread the suggestions she's laying out here for you. You really need some professional help to sort this all out, for you and your wife.
I'll keep you and your wife in my thoughts and prayers.
Your story just breaks my heart, for you and for your wife. I'm a recovered alcoholic and have also been on the other side, watching several of my loved ones kill themselves with alcohol. By the Grace of God, I have 21 years of continuous sobriety, and I don't know why me and not my brother, my dad, my ex-husband, aunts, uncles, and on down the line.
One hundred percent, I agree with every word Anvilhead said. Please read and reread the suggestions she's laying out here for you. You really need some professional help to sort this all out, for you and your wife.
I'll keep you and your wife in my thoughts and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
[I]her drinking sounds quite advanced. alcoholism is a progressive disease, and the X factor is how quickly it will progress. it might help if you see this AS a medical condition in which the patient HAS to accept that the condition is terminal UNLESS they agree to lifelong treatment. it's a bit like someone with diabetes who can successfully manage and life a long healthy life WITH their disease by taking measured steps on a regular ongoing basis.
it is also helpful to keep in mind that a patient has the right to refuse treatment. this is especially difficult for the loved ones, in particular those who live WITH the alcoholic. it seems simple enough....just stop drinking, problem solved. but for long term/progressed alcoholics, the very thought of NOT drinking is akin to not BREATHING. it as metastasized to their brain function, their belief system, their thinking, their daily life.
it is also helpful to keep in mind that a patient has the right to refuse treatment. this is especially difficult for the loved ones, in particular those who live WITH the alcoholic. it seems simple enough....just stop drinking, problem solved. but for long term/progressed alcoholics, the very thought of NOT drinking is akin to not BREATHING. it as metastasized to their brain function, their belief system, their thinking, their daily life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
I used to check the hiding spot for the empty bottles every Monday morning. I think i was trying to build a case for alcoholism-for or against. Knowing about the quantity doesn't change anything.
Now, i don't look high or low, in cupboards or behind things. I'm choosing to look forwards, If AH wants to come along, then I will support him in sobriety in any way I can. But alcoholism is his journey.
Now, i don't look high or low, in cupboards or behind things. I'm choosing to look forwards, If AH wants to come along, then I will support him in sobriety in any way I can. But alcoholism is his journey.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 2
Thank you, everyone, for all the replies. And sorry it took me so long to reply; I’ve been working a string of long shifts and haven’t had time.
I am hearing the message from everyone that I need to take care of myself, and that seems like sound advice. It has been draining me emotionally and physically for some time. I looked up local Al Anon meetings and will probably try to go to one of the ones with a “b” for “beginner” next to it. I’m going to look into finding a therapist who specializes in alcoholism as well, as that seems worth trying.
I also appreciate everyone’s kind words. It helps to know that there are people who can relate to what I am going through.
I am hearing the message from everyone that I need to take care of myself, and that seems like sound advice. It has been draining me emotionally and physically for some time. I looked up local Al Anon meetings and will probably try to go to one of the ones with a “b” for “beginner” next to it. I’m going to look into finding a therapist who specializes in alcoholism as well, as that seems worth trying.
I also appreciate everyone’s kind words. It helps to know that there are people who can relate to what I am going through.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
