Salty dog
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Location: northeast, United States
Posts: 12
Salty dog
I've spent the last five days searching and reading different areas of this site. Thank God we are all here together to share our common knowledge and give support. Thank you in advance for reading about my dilemma, offering support or your insight on any similar situation.
First a little history on the two of us. AW and I have been together 25 years, married for 19. We have three well rounded teenagers at home with us ages 18, 16 & 15. Our oldest girl is heading off to college in 21 days. AW has always been a stay at home mom running the day to day operation on the home front while I run a self started business for the last 32 years. Our roles have been design by choice and both love what we do. To keep it real, our family wants for very little. Maybe to spoiled at times.
The first crack in the armor came four and a half year ago when AW had an online emotional/sexting affair with one of my sons friends father. The drunken texting was discovered after she passed out with iphone in hand. I was completely devastated at the time and wasn't sure I could ever forgive her. After eight months of marriage counseling and hard work on both our parts we got passed the short lived inappropriate behavior. I learned that I needed to take on some of that responsibility myself, which I have.
We rebounded by purchasing a beach home is southern Florida. Our monthly trips south became a getaway for us to party, reconnect and have fun together. Going back north to our real home was never any fun but back to the grind was necessary for both of us. AW wanting to keep the fun going and before long I realized she was drinking during the days up north now. A bottle of wine plus some ever night for her became the norm.
The kids are getting older now and need much less attention then in the past. I can see boredom setting in for AW.
On early work days I'd come home to find AW passed out, she calls it sleeping. I know better. The drinking is escalating now and I'm starting to get really concerned for her. Fast forward to: "I will only pour you two glasses of wine a night". Before long its the same old, same old. Our only differences now are all about her drinking. The constant lying and hiding of booze is taking its toll on both of us. It's transparent now AW priorities are drinking and mine needs to be running a business and raising our kids.
Never giving up the fight to help my AW, I try everything the internet and my soul suggest to save her. Finally, one night AW says " I can't do this anymore". Thank you god, please help AW. She quits cold turkey and three day later is taken out of the house by paramedics after a full blown seizure. We leave the hospital with anti seizure medicine and pamphlets on recovery. AW insist she is to good for rehab so on our own we continued with doing this ourselves and family doctor. AW would never do a group meeting, that is out of the question. Fast forward 3 week, "I can have just one with dinner each night". AW keeps the act of one a night going for some time but I'm getting that sick felling in my gut again. I think she hitting the bottle day and night. AW remains very functional but the attitude is back. I'm sure she back drinking full time but can't be certain.
AW and I needed to take a long weekend trip with my daughter to visit a college 5 hours away. Of course AW is keeping up the act and only having her one glass of wine per night while we are away. On our ride back home AW has another massive seizure in the car. Three seizures in total, one in the car, one in the ambulance and another in the ER. This time she could of died. After 3 days in a hospital that was two hours away from our home we left again with the pills and list of AA meetings in our area.
Fast forward three more weeks after the last episode: " Can you F**ing believe she is drinking again". Thats it, the gloves are coming off this time. I organize a family intervention with the kids crying and pleading with mom to save her own life. It works AW agrees to do a detox and rehabilitation at a first class center.
In my opinion this is where the trouble really begins. Have I told you yet that my 45 years old AW is stunningly beautiful and get carded in half of the new bars and restaurants we walk into.
"Welcome to your new home for 30 day AW."
30 days goes buy and AW comes home to a loving and supportive family ready to help in any way possible. I personally went with her to the first three AA meetings with her. After that AW wants to meet up with friends from the rehab and go with them. No problem as long as your going!
I found out she was meeting with this young male speaker that she had met at the rehab center. He was a invited speaker to share his story with the group. He gave AW his number and asked her if she needed a sponsor.
AW gladly call him not only from the rehab but after getting back home to work on step 4 of the 12 step program. It didn't take long to figured out she was lying about who she was going out to meet. She would tell me she was meeting Cindy but in reality she was meeting Jason (names have been changed) her new sponsor. Within a week of returning home from rehab AW was coming home from AA meetings drunk. She was out with her new "friends" and the speaker from rehab. AW would tell me they all had wine with dinner then they would go to the AA meeting and then have drinks at the park. They had convinced themselves they were supporting each other.
And yes, dinner and wine was on my credit card.
WTF, now I'm pissed! What is going on? Thats it!
Cancel all her credit cards, shut off her cell phone, take the keys to her car. No way am I being an enabler of any kind any longer. Get out! or go back to rehab for another 60 days, your choice.
The next day she steels my daughters car and disappears for 24 hours. We found the car at Jason's dads beach house and took it back home. AW shows up back home at 12:30 in the afternoon the next day. AW is so messed up, never seen her this bad. We had also changed all the locks the night before. The Kids and I wouldn't let her back in the house, our only communication was through a window. "Get back into rehab or go back to where you came from." At 8;30 that night her sister came to get her after my youngest daughter called her. By 9:30 they were both back at the house agreeing to get AW back into detox the following day. That was 2 days ago. Last night my kids drove AW back to detox at the rehab. AW therapist just now called from the rehab, before hanging up on her I told her to keep AW there 90 more days and call me back then.
I have been seeing a therapist myself now for about a month, so has AW since she got out of rehab the first time, that was 6 weeks ago.
I share many dreams and three beautiful children with AW. I love her with all my heart. Right now I'm a salty dog looking for shelter and my own piece of mind.
First a little history on the two of us. AW and I have been together 25 years, married for 19. We have three well rounded teenagers at home with us ages 18, 16 & 15. Our oldest girl is heading off to college in 21 days. AW has always been a stay at home mom running the day to day operation on the home front while I run a self started business for the last 32 years. Our roles have been design by choice and both love what we do. To keep it real, our family wants for very little. Maybe to spoiled at times.
The first crack in the armor came four and a half year ago when AW had an online emotional/sexting affair with one of my sons friends father. The drunken texting was discovered after she passed out with iphone in hand. I was completely devastated at the time and wasn't sure I could ever forgive her. After eight months of marriage counseling and hard work on both our parts we got passed the short lived inappropriate behavior. I learned that I needed to take on some of that responsibility myself, which I have.
We rebounded by purchasing a beach home is southern Florida. Our monthly trips south became a getaway for us to party, reconnect and have fun together. Going back north to our real home was never any fun but back to the grind was necessary for both of us. AW wanting to keep the fun going and before long I realized she was drinking during the days up north now. A bottle of wine plus some ever night for her became the norm.
The kids are getting older now and need much less attention then in the past. I can see boredom setting in for AW.
On early work days I'd come home to find AW passed out, she calls it sleeping. I know better. The drinking is escalating now and I'm starting to get really concerned for her. Fast forward to: "I will only pour you two glasses of wine a night". Before long its the same old, same old. Our only differences now are all about her drinking. The constant lying and hiding of booze is taking its toll on both of us. It's transparent now AW priorities are drinking and mine needs to be running a business and raising our kids.
Never giving up the fight to help my AW, I try everything the internet and my soul suggest to save her. Finally, one night AW says " I can't do this anymore". Thank you god, please help AW. She quits cold turkey and three day later is taken out of the house by paramedics after a full blown seizure. We leave the hospital with anti seizure medicine and pamphlets on recovery. AW insist she is to good for rehab so on our own we continued with doing this ourselves and family doctor. AW would never do a group meeting, that is out of the question. Fast forward 3 week, "I can have just one with dinner each night". AW keeps the act of one a night going for some time but I'm getting that sick felling in my gut again. I think she hitting the bottle day and night. AW remains very functional but the attitude is back. I'm sure she back drinking full time but can't be certain.
AW and I needed to take a long weekend trip with my daughter to visit a college 5 hours away. Of course AW is keeping up the act and only having her one glass of wine per night while we are away. On our ride back home AW has another massive seizure in the car. Three seizures in total, one in the car, one in the ambulance and another in the ER. This time she could of died. After 3 days in a hospital that was two hours away from our home we left again with the pills and list of AA meetings in our area.
Fast forward three more weeks after the last episode: " Can you F**ing believe she is drinking again". Thats it, the gloves are coming off this time. I organize a family intervention with the kids crying and pleading with mom to save her own life. It works AW agrees to do a detox and rehabilitation at a first class center.
In my opinion this is where the trouble really begins. Have I told you yet that my 45 years old AW is stunningly beautiful and get carded in half of the new bars and restaurants we walk into.
"Welcome to your new home for 30 day AW." 30 days goes buy and AW comes home to a loving and supportive family ready to help in any way possible. I personally went with her to the first three AA meetings with her. After that AW wants to meet up with friends from the rehab and go with them. No problem as long as your going!
I found out she was meeting with this young male speaker that she had met at the rehab center. He was a invited speaker to share his story with the group. He gave AW his number and asked her if she needed a sponsor.
AW gladly call him not only from the rehab but after getting back home to work on step 4 of the 12 step program. It didn't take long to figured out she was lying about who she was going out to meet. She would tell me she was meeting Cindy but in reality she was meeting Jason (names have been changed) her new sponsor. Within a week of returning home from rehab AW was coming home from AA meetings drunk. She was out with her new "friends" and the speaker from rehab. AW would tell me they all had wine with dinner then they would go to the AA meeting and then have drinks at the park. They had convinced themselves they were supporting each other.
And yes, dinner and wine was on my credit card.
WTF, now I'm pissed! What is going on? Thats it!
Cancel all her credit cards, shut off her cell phone, take the keys to her car. No way am I being an enabler of any kind any longer. Get out! or go back to rehab for another 60 days, your choice.
The next day she steels my daughters car and disappears for 24 hours. We found the car at Jason's dads beach house and took it back home. AW shows up back home at 12:30 in the afternoon the next day. AW is so messed up, never seen her this bad. We had also changed all the locks the night before. The Kids and I wouldn't let her back in the house, our only communication was through a window. "Get back into rehab or go back to where you came from." At 8;30 that night her sister came to get her after my youngest daughter called her. By 9:30 they were both back at the house agreeing to get AW back into detox the following day. That was 2 days ago. Last night my kids drove AW back to detox at the rehab. AW therapist just now called from the rehab, before hanging up on her I told her to keep AW there 90 more days and call me back then.
I have been seeing a therapist myself now for about a month, so has AW since she got out of rehab the first time, that was 6 weeks ago.
I share many dreams and three beautiful children with AW. I love her with all my heart. Right now I'm a salty dog looking for shelter and my own piece of mind.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
So, no only is she an addict, but a cheat??
I personally would prepare for the worst. Protect yourself financially. See an attorney, just in case, so you know your rights.
It seems like a lot for your children. Maybe they need a counselor too? That really helped my kids.
I don't say any of this lightly as I know it's painful. It sounds like she has been given every opportunity, and fails to take it. I hope this time is different, but certainly would not count on it.
Kind hugs, I am sorry you are dealing with this.
I personally would prepare for the worst. Protect yourself financially. See an attorney, just in case, so you know your rights.
It seems like a lot for your children. Maybe they need a counselor too? That really helped my kids.
I don't say any of this lightly as I know it's painful. It sounds like she has been given every opportunity, and fails to take it. I hope this time is different, but certainly would not count on it.
Kind hugs, I am sorry you are dealing with this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
Yes, even though the children are older, they would probably benefit from Alateen or therapy (or both).
I'm sorry you're going through this as well. And I'm not 100% sure on this, but aren't sponsors supposed to be same-sex? That alleviates the temptation.
I'm sorry you're going through this as well. And I'm not 100% sure on this, but aren't sponsors supposed to be same-sex? That alleviates the temptation.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Hi Saltydog and welcome. Sorry for what brings you here, of course.
First of all, you seem to have really strong boundaries, that's so important and good that you have them. This is what is going to save your sanity and is also a good example for your children.
It does sound like your wife is probably bored and a bit aimless, but it is up to her, of course, to find new interests and goals, hopefully she will get on that path as she does some soul searching at rehab.
You have really done all you can. This is absolutely not the first time I have seen a story such as yours here at SR. Spouse starts drinking, out of control, goes to rehab, relapses almost immediately and gets involved with someone from rehab. It's a vulnerable time for them so it is a risk, however, not all people go to rehab and find a relationship or sorts instead.
Are you still in communication? Have you looked in to Al-Anon at all?
What other support do your children have?
First of all, you seem to have really strong boundaries, that's so important and good that you have them. This is what is going to save your sanity and is also a good example for your children.
It does sound like your wife is probably bored and a bit aimless, but it is up to her, of course, to find new interests and goals, hopefully she will get on that path as she does some soul searching at rehab.
You have really done all you can. This is absolutely not the first time I have seen a story such as yours here at SR. Spouse starts drinking, out of control, goes to rehab, relapses almost immediately and gets involved with someone from rehab. It's a vulnerable time for them so it is a risk, however, not all people go to rehab and find a relationship or sorts instead.
Are you still in communication? Have you looked in to Al-Anon at all?
What other support do your children have?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Location: northeast, United States
Posts: 12
AW has been in detox at the rehab facility for 24 hrs now. She did call today with therapist while I was writing my story. I had no time for either of them. I'm still angry right now and not sure when I will feel better or even open to have her come back home. Right now I'm working on myself. My kids seem to be stronger then dad at the moment. I plan on seeing my own shrink again on Friday and will talk to the front office about family help for the Teenagers.
I went to one Al-Anon meeting, didn't help much. I will try a different location.
Thanks you for your advice .
I went to one Al-Anon meeting, didn't help much. I will try a different location.
Thanks you for your advice .
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
My heart hurts for you Salty dog, for you and your children and what you are dealing with right now. They are lucky to have you...you are doing the best you can right now and this is really hard.
Take care of you and your children first and foremost as you seem to be.
Alcoholism is a terrible disease, but nothing any of us can do, so keep your head above water and focus on that, it's all you can do.
Keeping you all in my prayers tonight. Glad you found us. This site has been a life saver for me more than once.
Take care of you and your children first and foremost as you seem to be.
Alcoholism is a terrible disease, but nothing any of us can do, so keep your head above water and focus on that, it's all you can do.
Keeping you all in my prayers tonight. Glad you found us. This site has been a life saver for me more than once.
Stay true to your values. I hope you can find some peace of mind.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,004
Hi Salty and welcome. Also so sorry about what brings you here.
What a horrific series of events for you family. The pain that is left in the wake of the alcoholic is excruciating.
Alanon is a life saver for some although I didn't go that route myself. Glad to hear you are giving it a try.
Please do everything you can to take care of yourself and your children. Let us know how you get on and may battalions of angels swarm you and your family!
What a horrific series of events for you family. The pain that is left in the wake of the alcoholic is excruciating.
Alanon is a life saver for some although I didn't go that route myself. Glad to hear you are giving it a try.
Please do everything you can to take care of yourself and your children. Let us know how you get on and may battalions of angels swarm you and your family!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 76
For me the hardest part of dealing with someone else's drinking is watching them willingly destroy their body with no care whatsoever. I watched my Dad do it my entire life and always spoke out, unlike any of the other family members. He eventually got diabetes at 50 and stage 4 throat cancer when he was about 65. Same thing with my 32 yr old ex fiance, ended up having a brutal seizure right in my arms on the beach back in the fall (still doesn't think alcohol played any part in it, sadly). At the end of the day I guess there is nothing that can be done, we can only hope that the inevitable damage is not too severe and they can somehow see the light.
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