seekingcalm

My son and I are no contact since I set some boundaries and called him out on his bad behavior around alcohol and anger.
My daughter moved into her first apartment 1 month ago. Since she moved, her brother, my son, has been to her apartment a few times, and she shared with me that he showed up there at 3am on Saturday drunk. She was expecting him...much earlier. He stayed the weekend, and she said he was good company.
I haven't seen him or spoken to him in almost a year...some texts here or there...I've shared some on this site. After numerous invitations to him went ignored...I have stayed away for now. I am happy in my life, and I feel that he has his life to live, and that it's up to him to reach out to repair our relationship when he wants to. I believe that only in learning how to behave better and by making amends on his own will he someday recover from alcoholism. I used to think it was right to continually try to shine a light down the rabbit hole he has gone into with regard to me, but now I believe that only in climbing out on his own will it really benefit him.
I feel that I want to ask my daughter not to share anything about her brother with me. It's her decision not to question him about how poorly he has treated me...she doesn't want to jeopardize her own relationship with him by bringing up anything that might upset him.
I have a very close relationship with my daughter, and I feel unsure about what I am considering. I just need to detach and I really don't want to know what he does at all right now. Making her relationship with him off limits in her conversations with me might harm our relationship...anyone have any insights?
I didn't sleep much last night and I have a pit in my stomach. This so sucks.

djlook

Hello, seekingcalm.

I have two sons who are alcoholic. I'm also a 21 year recovered alcoholic.

Both of my sons are in recovery, not by any of my doings, but a choice they made on their own.

You wrote: "I feel that I want to ask my daughter not to share anything about her brother with me. "

I have a piece of paper on my desk that says I can't set boundaries and take care of someone else's feelings at the same time.

If when she shares with you anything your son says to her or if she wants to share with you what he's up to, I agree with you 100 percent, and you should tell her the next time what your feelings are. When anything affects your emotional sobriety, you've got to do something about it. I think your daughter will understand that you're no longer willing to participate in the drama and chaos. I hope your son reaches out for help soon. My opinion, you did what it took to preserve your sanity. Good luck to you and your family. Pray about it. Fear is a terrible thing. Make God bigger than the problem and the answer will come.

SmallButMighty

I also have young adult children. A daughter 25 and a son 21.

I am much closer these days with my daughter. We message each other numerous times a day, we travel to visit each other for weeks at a time, we take trips together. It's not like that with my son. It's his choice to keep the distance between us. Like you, I have released him, as little birdies are supposed to leave the nest and go about their own lives. I'm sad he chooses to keep his distance, with just a few points of contact a year, but I've built a new middle aged, empty nest life for myself and I've got to say, it's a pretty darn good life.

My daughter will sometimes fill me in on what her brother is doing. I don't mind getting that info, but if I did, I don't think she would have a problem if I just asked her not to. A simple explanation, like, "Daughter, it makes me upset to hear XYZ about Son, I think it would be better for me if we just don't talk about him at all for now" I don't know how old your daughter is, but if she is out living on her own, I suspect she is mature enough to understand and respect your request.

Hang in there, this being a mother to grown children "thing" isn't always so easy. *hugs*

NYCDoglvr

Your daughter is right. It would be a mistake to raise issues that could adversely affect their relationship. We're powerless over alcoholics; in fact we're powerless over other people. Accepting that is a huge boost to peace of mind.

hopeful4

I personally have taken this approach in speaking to my kids regarding their alcoholic father, my XAH.

I still talk to them about him, however, I have let them know he is not a part of my life and I want it to be that way. That I really don't need to know what is going on with him unless it affects them in some way they really need to discuss with me (one is a teen the other a young adult).

It works pretty well.

seekingcalm

Thank you all so much for your replies, experience and support. This site, this community make all the difference to me in navigating this very difficult journey.
I feel clearer, and oh so much calmer.
Last night, I was ready to call my daughter and tell her that I don't want to hear ANYTHING at all about her brother, but I didn't do it. I took a breath, and I went on this site, and I read, and although I didn't get much sleep, I posted today how I was feeling, and tonight I know I will sleep well. I have a right to my "emotional sobriety", and my peace, and I will let my daughter know that I am here always if she needs to share anything about her brother that is weighing on her, but that as far as his drama, and comings and goings, I will appreciate if she doesn't share with me as I find it most upsetting, and I am trying with every fiber in my being to be peaceful and happy, as we all should.
Bless you all for being here, for me and for all of us who struggle with this terrible disease.