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Old 07-29-2019, 06:12 PM   #1 (permalink)

Join Date: Jul 2019
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Frustrated with my alcoholic ex boyfriend

I was dating an alcoholic/drug addict for 4 years. When we first met I thought he was just someone who liked to have fun and he would grow out of it. I had no addiction in my family so I was not used to spotting the signs.... and then 2 1/2 years into it I found out that he had hidden from me that he was in rehab for heroin when he was in his early 20's (6 years prior). Despite all of this, I continued to see him but addiction was always clearly an issue. The relationship never progressed, I bought a house and he refused to move in - probably because I would give him **** for his drinking. At one point I found out he was selling coke behind my back. He promised he had stopped and I tried to support him through his journey to being a better person because he would always say, "I am better with you than I have ever been, I need you."
Fast forward to now - we broke up 6 months ago because he was unwilling to seek treatment and thought I was trying to control him, when really I was just trying to get a grasp on my own life and see him get better. We did not speak for a month and after that he tried to contact me and basically has been bothering me weekly if not multiple times a week via text trying to pretend we're still together (calling me babe, saying he wants to see me, take me out etc.) However, I keep trying to put goals infront of him like, If you want me back that badly then I'll see you when you decide on a treatment program. Over the 6 months, he has backed down from treatment. I gave him several options, including hypnotherapy or a better therapist in general as ways that he can set small goals in the right direction. He keeps saying he will follow through with one of the options but never does. He has gone to a total of 2 AA meetings since we have been apart and I am not impressed. Most recently I went on a trip to europe and he said he would have "good news" for me when I got back aka an appointment lined up with an addiction specialist and when I got back he had not done anything. I am so frustrated I just told him to mail my house key back to me and haven't heard a word from him since. I really don't know what to do at this point. Despite everything I still love him but his inability to move in any direction is driving me insane. If I just ghost him completely will he finally get it?
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Old 07-29-2019, 06:43 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi csips and welcome.

If you mean will he understand your boundary of not being interested in a relationship with him until he shows he is following a REAL path of recovery - maybe.

He just keeps testing your boundary, nothing more.

How about now, will she agree now? What if I go to 1 AA meeting, will she meet me then? How about now, if I go to one more meeting.

Only you can decide how strong your boundary is here and once that is done, stick by it.

As for "ghosting" I don't think that's necessary, if you don't want to speak to him anymore just let him know. I don't wish to speak to you anymore, no need to be cruel about it I don't think? You already ended the relationship, you don't have to continue this conversation if you don't want to.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it (the 3 c's)
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Old 07-29-2019, 07:52 PM   #3 (permalink)

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When you love someone and have deep attachment it can be hard to see through the fog.

You've been very strong over 6 months to have broken it off and held your boundaries, but he's persistent in roping you back in and preventing you from moving on. It's very controlling behavior and not respectful of YOU and your desire to have a healthy relationship with a partner who shows up for you, which is what it seems you want but he's not willing or able to give you.

Even if he goes into treatment, he has a strong chance of relapse, and he has a history of hiding things from you, and disappointing you. You've never known him sober, and sober-him may be a very different person. You truly have a gift right now of time and the ability to reflect on what you truly want in a relationship. We empaths with bleeding hearts often want to love and nurture our men into wholeness, but that's an inside job that he has to want.

Ghosting him to motivate him to get into treatment and transform himself into the man that can show up for you is a long shot. Ghosting him to give yourself the time and space to heal, gain clarity and potentially let in a new relationship with someone who can love you from a genuine and healthy place is a greater opportunity.

I know this is hard, big hugs.
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Old 07-29-2019, 10:51 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I was hoping for the same for some time (after i found out about the alcohol addiction of my x), but nothing happened, which is where I drew my line and said ‘no more time wasting’. Because unfortunately, this is what it was, after all. Besides, from everything i have found out about alcoholism in the meantime, it seems that it takes forever for them to even realize/admit they have a problem, and then years of rehabilitation, and even then, there is no guarantee that they will actually stay sober. So i guess its a huge risk for you and your life. Hope you’ll do whats best for you.
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Old 07-30-2019, 02:35 AM   #5 (permalink)

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He's shown you what he wants. Believe him.
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Old 07-30-2019, 03:30 AM   #6 (permalink)
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csips…...I know that you feel that you love him...but, when it comes to addiction, love, alone, is not enough....
Your being with him has not influenced him to get sober and clean....and, actually, being away from him will not change him, either....
It amounts to the 3 Cs
You didn't Cause it. You can't Control it. and You can't Cure it.

It will do you no good to play Therapist with him....or to play Motivational Speaker to him.....or to try to be his Life Coach...…
If you try to play those is not a balanced and equal relationship and it will self implode in the end.....
You cannot rescue him...In the end, the rescuer turns out to be the victim.....

My immediate suggestion to you is to get a copy of "Co-Dependent No More"...and read every word. It is an easy read, and it is the most recommended book on this site. It may well save your life....

You sound too young to let your life be frazzled by alcoholism/addiction.....
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Old 07-30-2019, 03:31 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Hello csips, and welcome!

The one truth I've learned over the years is that there is no amount of persuasion or motivation that I can provide to make my alcoholic loved ones change their behavior.

It is sad, but your bf is what he is at this moment. He is both the sober, wonderful him and the drunk him. If you can accept him as he is, then great! If not....perhaps it's time to let him go completely.

Changes to his behavior will come if and when he decides it's what he wants and wants it more than anything else. Change comes when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing. Change is real when the words match the actions--and actions are the most important thing.
The ordinary acts we practice every day at home
are of more importance to the soul than their simplicity might suggest.
~ St. Thomas More
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Old 07-30-2019, 11:22 AM   #8 (permalink)
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To repeat the cliche, actions speak louder than words. Eventually you'll see that his words are meaningless without taking the big step of getting into a program. My approach would be: call me on you're first anniversary of being sober.
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Old 07-30-2019, 11:27 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I would also just go ahead and change the will probably cost ~ $100. Even if he mails your key back, he could have made a copy.
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Old 11-23-2019, 08:23 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Hi csips,

Just wondering if you're still around here. Keep posting. Hang in there!! With our own recovery, life does improve in all ways.

Thinking of you and sending good wishes for the upcoming holidays.
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#codependent #exboyfriend #alcoholic

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