FWN

Are there any other threads as to what I should expect to see from someone who is really trying to change? Do I ask him about it? Do I completely stay out of it unless he brings it up?

It's 3 nights a week, 3 hours at a time, for 2 months. It wasn't inexpensive and he says it's something he wants to do for himself (although of course he'd not be doing this if it weren't for me threatening to leave if he didn't stop drinking). Because I will leave him. He can start life 2.0 with wife 2.0 and she can deal with this nonsense. Going backwards now, I just cannot imagine. It was too miserable for too long and my sanity cannot take any more!! I deserve better and so do my kids.

djlook

Hello, fortworthnative.

Expectations always get me in trouble. I've been in recovery for 21 years and the most helpful thing the oldtimers have taught me is for me to work on my acceptance and keep my magic magnifying glass off of what I expect out of anyone.

I have a son who's new to recovery and I peppered him with questions while he was in outpatient and I regret every question I asked him. He's been sober five months and is still in somewhat of a confused state. He doesn't remember a lot from the last five years, but he feels he has to come up with an answer. I wish I could take it back, but I can't. I hope I've learned from it.

I think that's a good idea when you asked should you completely stay out of it unless he brings it up.

I'm in AA and also in Al-Anon. I've seen many couples who have been able to keep their marriage together because the two programs go hand in hand in my opinion.

Good luck to you and your family.

trailmix

As is said often around here, recovery looks like recovery, there won't be any need to guess. I will look to see if I can find some threads with more info.

As for how you approach his treatment, personally I don't think this is the time to add more eggshells to the list. While specifics are really not on your side of the street, a general - how did it go? Is entirely appropriate in my opinion. You don't have to pretend he didn't leave the house and isn't working at out patient.

He might answer with a - it seems good or he might share more, that's up to him, I certainly wouldn't quiz him though, simply because, again, not your side of the street.

AnvilheadII

he's been to ONE meeting. just how much is there to ask about???

if he mentions something, great. you can respond with non-engaging replies - like: great! good to hear it. i'm sure that was quite the experience for you.

no need to get too excited. bit soon to throw a parade.

let's pretend for a moment he has just decided he wants to climb Mt. Everest OR run a 10k marathon. and he has NO experience or training or even knows much ABOUT climbing mountains or running marathons.
and let's say today is his FIRST day of heading towards the goal.
and he says he read a few chapters of the "Mounting Climbing for Dummies" book.
how supportive should YOU be at this stage?
and how far has he made it on his journey?

trailmix

Here are some threads you might find interesting:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (How do you or DO you EVEN talk to your Q about their recovery?)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...y-morning.html (She checked into recovery this morning.....)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (Not actually in recovery?)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...e-answers.html (Hopefully some answers to.......)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ooks-like.html (Update - what recovery looks like?)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ooks-like.html (Does anyone know what real recovery looks like?)

Dazedandconfus

Dazedandconfus

dandylion

fwn…....same here. No need to get into details...especially asking him specific questions. The reason for this, is that it will just further cause resentment toward you...even if he doesn't say it, out loud.
You already know that he is going under duress....at least, he is at this point, feeling the pressure for YOU....so, you will be the one who is coming between him and his ability to drink freely. No matter how much he cares about you...you are in the role of "the enemy".....as is anyone who comes between him and the drink.....
The less said, by you...the better....
Also, any issues that we wants to discuss...related to his alcoholism is best directed at his meetings...AA meetings...and his sponsor/counselor....
****Also, anything you have to say on the subject of alcoholism or his alcoholism will roll off of him like water off a duck's back----but, he is more likely to receive it better from another alcoholic---because it doesn't have the daggers of judgement attached to it.....

FireSprite

No - you don't ask about his recovery. Stay out of it & practice generic answers like , "uh-huh", "that's interesting" & "I didn't know that".....

If you really want to see if he's serious about recovery, stay OUT of it. It's not your expertise, right? How can you guide him, really?

What you can do, very easily, is get right in the way.... and give him a lot of reasons to point the finger at you & your involvement if/when he fails.

Someone once suggested this to me - giving my partner the dignity of recovering on his own vs. involving myself like his mommy & it was a huge AHA for me. It IS dignified to step aside & give him absolute control over himself in this way - I certainly hadn't been part of the demons in his head creating the chaos, right? What place did I have here, in his recovery? My time was far better spent on me & my needs outside of that situation.

I know you're new to a lot of this but reading this makes me want to point out the difference between ultimatums & boundaries AND that if your expectation is zero backward movement you might be setting yourself up for a huge disappointment.

Not only is recovery a bumpy road full of unexpected monsters, the potential for relapse is significant, especially with someone not committed to really recovering. It's way, way more than just not drinking & a totally personal path that a person has to walk alone to succeed. These forums are FULL of testimony on that topic.

What you do is focus on YOU & your kids. That's it. Figure out your boundaries, learn about leveling your expectations, give yourself some extra self-care time & stay in touch with your support system.

FWN

Thank you everyone for your responses. I got ahead of myself getting excited about him attending a single class.... HA. What a joke.

He was in a fine mood when he got home last night. This morning I could tell something was bothering him and it's almost like I can FEEL the resentment he's sending my way without saying anything. If I'm being honest with myself, I know he's only doing this for me. He knows he has a problem but he also thinks he can fix it on his own. And I also know he thinks I'm controlling him through this latest ultimatum.

I got to thinking about this letter I wrote him in March 2013 that I just pulled up. I started sending him emails when I got frustrated with his drinking instead of fighting with him while he was drunk. It seemed more productive and gave me something to look back on to know I wasn't crazy.
It was me begging out of concern for him to consider how much he was drinking and how alcohol had adversely affected our marriage (3.5 years in). There are replies upon replies where I follow up angry saying we are STILL having the same conversation. Many of the later ones with me saying I'm DONE at the end. I could easily put together a time line of episode after episode where he's disappointed me and said he's going to 'do better' - ugh so sick of that phrase' - and then he puts just enough time between screw ups where he placates me. It's mind boggling to look back on and it makes me feel damned stupid and just duped.
I want so badly to reply to the latest string and tell him to read through this ridiculousness again and realize that this is his last chance. But I won't. I don't think that will help anything but I'm just HOT right now.

Life is too short for this sh*t. How am I still here 10 years later when I have been begging my husband a year into our marriage to evaluate his alcohol consumption. How have I been strung along this long?! All he tells me is 'I'm not always as miserable as I say I am'.

Sorry, went off on a tangent.

hopeful4

You have strung yourself along. I understand, I did it too.

You cannot change how another human acts, only how you react.

Many hugs.

NYCDoglvr

Yes, and Alanon can be a big help with this. It was a lifesaver for me.

dandylion

fwn…….I hear you, that you are "Hot" right now....and, of course y ou have a basketful of resentments of your own, towards him. You feel like he has negatively impacted your marriage and you are angry.....very understandable.

I think that it is good that you can come here and express your angry feelings...because you need to deal with that in some way.
I, also, get that you would like to shove all of those past emails in his face.....
AND...I agree that it is not a good idea, just now....

I have heard so many alcoholics, who are struggling with recovery, say how overwhelmed they feel...with shame and guilt...after they have gotten a bit of sobriety under their belt....I have, also, heard them say that it is so overwhelming that it is a "trigger" to want to drink...to relapse, again....

I believe that, if he can stay sober and work the program for a little while...he will remember enough to feel the shame and guilt.....
He will remember,for himself....you won't have to "rub his nose in it", so to speak.....because he is likely to see it that way....