Women’s Aid
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Women’s Aid
so this morning I went to Women’s Aid. It was a drop in - I spoke to a really lovely lady for a couple of hours. I told her everything. She did an assessment of my risk and found me to be medium score. They’ve said they will do a letter to access me legal aid so I can start divorce proceedings.
She said that she had major safeguarding issues surrounding AH and the kids though and urged me to contact social services. She said that it’s but going to look good on me if I’m not attempting to stop him driving the kids whilst under the influence. Also that I need to be putting measures in place to stop him from entering my home. Otherwise she said he remains in charge. He remains in control and I cannot move on.
shes right. I’m struggling with the social services thing ... it feels like the ultimate betrayal. It might tip him over the edge ... what if it makes him kill himself because I did that? The kids would blame me. I would blame me. My head hurts and I have a lot to process today.
Tomorrow I see a solicitor to get the ball rolling.
She said that she had major safeguarding issues surrounding AH and the kids though and urged me to contact social services. She said that it’s but going to look good on me if I’m not attempting to stop him driving the kids whilst under the influence. Also that I need to be putting measures in place to stop him from entering my home. Otherwise she said he remains in charge. He remains in control and I cannot move on.
shes right. I’m struggling with the social services thing ... it feels like the ultimate betrayal. It might tip him over the edge ... what if it makes him kill himself because I did that? The kids would blame me. I would blame me. My head hurts and I have a lot to process today.
Tomorrow I see a solicitor to get the ball rolling.
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I am so glad you went and did this.
What I hear from you is that you FEAR him. You fear the ramifications of doing all of this. I can only say that I completely understand. I was diagnosed with PTSD and had complete and absolute fear of my XAH's outcomes. I imagined worse case scenarios in my head at all times.
I think having an attorney/solicitor will help you know your rights so much more and will help you to dissipate some of that fear, allowing you to do what is right for your children.
What I hear from you is that you FEAR him. You fear the ramifications of doing all of this. I can only say that I completely understand. I was diagnosed with PTSD and had complete and absolute fear of my XAH's outcomes. I imagined worse case scenarios in my head at all times.
I think having an attorney/solicitor will help you know your rights so much more and will help you to dissipate some of that fear, allowing you to do what is right for your children.
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Originally Posted by RainingButtons 
Otherwise she said he remains in charge. He remains in control and I cannot move on.
I’m struggling with the social services thing ... it feels like the ultimate betrayal. It might tip him over the edge ... what if it makes him kill himself because I did that? The kids would blame me. I would blame me.
Anything he does, from stubbing his toe on the doormat to killing himself out of a sense of "betrayal," is on HIM, not you. Everything that he is dealing with is b/c of his alcoholism, NOT b/c of you. But this shouldn't really be news, right?
Hallelujah that you're getting the assistance from the women's center. I hope that things start to turn around.
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Originally Posted by honeypig
Truer words were never spoken.
Are YOU the cause of the need for social services? Do you believe that your actions have that much effect on him? If they did, wouldn't he be sober by now?
Anything he does, from stubbing his toe on the doormat to killing himself out of a sense of "betrayal," is on HIM, not you. Everything that he is dealing with is b/c of his alcoholism, NOT b/c of you. But this shouldn't really be news, right?
Hallelujah that you're getting the assistance from the women's center. I hope that things start to turn around.
Are YOU the cause of the need for social services? Do you believe that your actions have that much effect on him? If they did, wouldn't he be sober by now?
Anything he does, from stubbing his toe on the doormat to killing himself out of a sense of "betrayal," is on HIM, not you. Everything that he is dealing with is b/c of his alcoholism, NOT b/c of you. But this shouldn't really be news, right?
Hallelujah that you're getting the assistance from the women's center. I hope that things start to turn around.
If he killed my children in a drink driving accident I’d never forgive myself for saying nothing. She did say social services will actually offer him access to drink support groups it’s his choice whether or not he takes an opportunity to get sober for his kids though.
Right now he is on another one of his “I’ve quit drink I feel so much healthier already” episodes that convince nobody.
He failed to pay me the promised child support over the weekend again too. Then got angry because I didn’t make him feel ok about it when he called me “love” and tried to patronise me saying his bills had been more than he’d expected.
Ive also quit my role as admin on his business Facebook pages as of today too. Doubt he’ll even notice!
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Join Date: May 2018
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Hey, my dad-total alcoholic threatened to kill himself if my mom didn't marry him. They got married. Had a dozen kids and we ALL suffered for over two decades. Alcoholics lie. They will say whatever it takes to keep an enabler in place.
If he really wanted to kill himself you would have no power to stop him. You have no power over any of his decisions.. And please remember as I often have to remind myself.. Those decisions are being made by a damaged brain. Just because he can tie his laces up, put the car in gear just means he can still operate most subconscious actions. Until the day he can't.
If he really wanted to kill himself you would have no power to stop him. You have no power over any of his decisions.. And please remember as I often have to remind myself.. Those decisions are being made by a damaged brain. Just because he can tie his laces up, put the car in gear just means he can still operate most subconscious actions. Until the day he can't.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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It sounds like the Women's Aid person gave you some great advice.
I second what hopeful4 said about fear. It sounds like you're living in fear, even if you're not conscious of it as such (I was in the same condition for a long time). All the worrying about "what will he do" sounds like displaced fear to me.
And I know you know this, but if he kills himself or talks about killing himself or whatever, that's HIS doing, not yours. If you go off and kill him, then yes, it's your bad. But you are not doing that. You don't have life and death power over him. He has life and death power over himself, and what he does with that power is completely up to him.
I second what hopeful4 said about fear. It sounds like you're living in fear, even if you're not conscious of it as such (I was in the same condition for a long time). All the worrying about "what will he do" sounds like displaced fear to me.
And I know you know this, but if he kills himself or talks about killing himself or whatever, that's HIS doing, not yours. If you go off and kill him, then yes, it's your bad. But you are not doing that. You don't have life and death power over him. He has life and death power over himself, and what he does with that power is completely up to him.
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