Hello, I’m new here and I’ll guess need to vent. Little background, I’ve been married for over 10 years and always knew my husband was a heavy drinker, I’m sure you all have similar stories, can’t keep alcohol in the house, even when you think you’re hiding it, you go pull the bottle out months later to make yourself a rare drink, and it’s empty or filled with water. His mother passed away about 6 years ago (he was never able to cope with it) and lost his job almost 4 years ago (the reason for his termination may have been a lie since he had been a functioning alcoholic up until that point). Now he spends his days drinking vodka. I’m sure most of you have similar stores as well, finding random bottles, getting slurred speech, falling down and that horrible smell of sweat and vodka when you get too close (oh but vodka doesn’t smell &#128580 or the smell of vodka when you walk into a room, waking up in the morning to find a burner still on the stove, oven on or the backdoor unlocked. End of last year some friends were finally able to get him to the hospital to detox, his liver enzymes were off the chart, he was diagnosed with fatty liver and hepatitis. He stayed sober for two months, refused any additional treatment, but stayed sober, I felt like my husband was finally starting to come back. Well I had to go out of town for work for a week, and halfway through my trip I could tell over the phone he had been drinking. He was supposed to pick me up at the airport but I couldn’t get ahold of him prior to my flight leaving, when I landed, I had texts and voicemails from him very confused and didn’t know when I was coming back (I had printed out my itinerary and had it on the fridge). We have two dogs and somehow they got out of the backyard and he was looking for them but couldn’t manage to tell me what happened. I ended up taking an Uber home, he still swore he wasn’t drinking but a bottle of vodka was sitting on the counter. We had a long fight he cried, said he stays sober for me and since I was out of town, he couldn’t deal. Since then, it’s been the battle again, he detoxes when I catch him (I know totally unsafe to do by yourself) then the cycle begins again. Up until yesterday, I had no solid proof he was drinking (besides the horrible smell of BO and vodka and finding the black liquor store bags hidden in the pantry floor behind grocery store bags). I had lost a sock while doing my laundry and was looking for it, walked in the laundry room and he was in the corner, said he fell (did not hear anything that sounded like a fall and smelled the disgusting smell of vodka) well I thought maybe I had thrown out the sock, didn’t find a sock but found the bottle of vodka behind the washer that he had quickly hidden when he heard me coming. This morning, I went to grab something in another room and noticed a bag that I had on top a tote was moved, opened the tote and found a handle of vodka. I’m not sure I am going to bother to confront him, it all ends the same, him crying then trying to detox, saying he doesn’t need help etc.

So now I start out my workweek angry, angry at him and angry at myself. I can’t kick him out because it’s technically his house (inheritance and that’s not community property in my state) I of course pay all the bills for it so if I did leave, he would be sitting in the dark with his vodka and regardless of what he says (he always said he would get to keep one of our dogs) I would take them both (renting with dogs, especially larger sized dogs is always difficult) so it will take time for me to get everything lined up to leave, then I would have the guilt of what if he drinks himself to death? Which he’s probably on the road to again, he’s getting jaundice again, his ankle is swollen and he has red like bumps all down his legs. Part of me wishes it would hurry up and be over (and I feel horrible for even thinking that) but I don’t know how much more I can take. I’m in my late 30s, we have no children but I want some, just never been able to bring myself to have them with him and bring a child into the world with an alcoholic parent. I just needed someplace to vent and I’ve been to a few Al Anon meetings but nothing on a regular basis but I do think I’m co-dependent. If anyone is still reading after that long story I thank you.