Two steps forward and one step back

Old 07-28-2019, 03:01 PM
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Two steps forward and one step back

I apologize for only posting my own perspectives on this board so far and not responding to others yet. I want to get to a point where I feel confident to give others advice and support but I am not sure of the right course for myself right now. i am very thankful to have met this group and read the stories. The logical part of my brain knows that things are never my fault but there is reassurance in hearing the similarities in other people’s stories. As sad as that might be.

I am at a precipice right now. Tuesday my boyfriend has his first appointment with the addiction centre. They talk about his goals (moderation vs abstinence etc), set him up with a peer mentor and do counselling sessions every other week. He’s actually been doing really well in the past few weeks. No issues since my first post. That is until I went away for the weekend. I am an international athlete so at times I fly out for tournaments for a few days.

I was gone for four days this time. He was great on Thursday. Had a couple drinks that night it’s friends but only beer and went home early. Friday he seemed fine. Saturday night he went out to watch a friend play at a bar and got wasted. Today he is a mess. I’m sitting in the airport trying to keep myself together because I know he won’t be able to pick me up later tonight as promised. I called during my layover and he went through the normal emotional. “Trust me, I will be fine to get you in five hours” to complete sadness to anger to that anger turning on me. He used to be part of the tournaments I am in but has since gotten in fights with the key people in the sport (partly due to drinking and partly not). I know it upsets him that I am there and he is not. And I know it is hard for him to be alone without me there.

I am trying to remind myself that this is still better than normal. He had several weeks of being sober. He has not gone full angry A-hole yet and he didn’t drive drunk at all. He was smart enough to leave the car(my car) at the bar and get a cab home.

He also has his first appt on Tuesday. Another plus.

But this incident today is still an issue. And it sucks. I can’t rely on him for simple things. Like picking me up from the airport. I can’t rely on him to stay strong without me. He even drunk texts the organizers of the tournament while I am there. And of course that is horribly embarrassing and detrimental to my place in the sport. They turn to me and say “is he drunk texting me again”. They simply won’t have me come to events anymore if this happens every time.

But two steps forward and one step back is still one step forward, right?

I am trying to stay positive. He WANTS to change. His ACTIONS have shown progress - making the appt with the addiction centre, being sober for several weeks, etc.

Is it a a good thing that he can keep it together while I am there with him? Or is that just codependency?

I guess i am I am asking for perspective. I am trying very hard to put my emotions aside and see this for what it really is.

The addiction centre also offers counselling for partners of alcoholics. I am debating starting that for myself. I am not sure I would benefit from the al-anon meetings. I don’t think the group setting works for me. But then again I don’t know for sure. Has anyone had experience with PARC or ADAPT (Ontario) or a similar addiction centre?

Thanks again for listening. I appreciate all the help.
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Old 07-28-2019, 03:17 PM
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Today he was off work (he is waiting on a new job to start in a couple weeks) and when I came home he was already drunk. There is a 3L bottle of vodka in the fridge. He was the worst I have ever seen him today. He vomited on himself while sitting on the couch. He swayed and swerved as he stood or walked. He spit at me several times. He punched a hole in my wall. I finally got him to bed around 7pm. He tried to get up to pee and fell over on to the floor and couldn't get up.

I am trying to remind myself that this is still better than normal. He had several weeks of being sober. He has not gone full angry A-hole yet and he didn’t drive drunk at all. He was smart enough to leave the car(my car) at the bar and get a cab home. .

first post was on 7/14 - today is only two weeks later. not several. 14 days. and he has not been sober all 14 days. he started drinking as soon as you left, 4 days ago. so his stretch of sober time was 10 days. ish.

I was gone for four days this time. He was great on Thursday. Had a couple drinks that night it’s friends but only beer and went home early. Friday he seemed fine. Saturday night he went out to watch a friend play at a bar and got wasted. Today he is a mess.

from the outside, way over here, this does not look like recovery in action. this does not look like someone who is really poised to QUIT for good. this is someone who took a bit of a break and that got back to it, hard. he's already demonstrated anger AT YOU for his drinking.

i suggest that YOU seize whatever support you can get. regardless of what he does. do not expect him to pick you up tonite. do not ask anyone that you know has been drinking to EVER drive to get you.
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Old 07-28-2019, 03:39 PM
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Looking.....Anvil gives good advice.....By all means---see the counselor for partners of alcoholics.....I suggest alanon, too...if it is available, up there...
I have observed that people benefit the most when they approach things with an open heart and willing attitude....
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Old 07-28-2019, 04:50 PM
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Absolutely Al-Anon might be helpful, but you can't be sure until you try. I get the whole group setting thing, I'm not entirely comfortable with it either (I have only been to 1 meeting). What I found was a group of really nice people that understood.

You will never be forced to share anything you don't want to, in fact you never have to share your story if you don't want to but eventually you might find that helps you.

I don't know how much you know about alcoholism but alcoholics can never moderate, it's really unheard of. Maybe one in several thousand can? But if you read in the newcomers to recovery section you will find many threads about how it just never works.

Alcoholics don't drink because they like the taste or it's refreshing or it's sociable, they drink to get high, or to feel normal or to get black out drunk. Sure, occasionally they can get away with having 1 or 2, but that will never be the norm, the craving to drink more will be too strong.

As for perspective - when:

"He has not gone full angry A-hole yet and he didn’t drive drunk at all".

Is considered a "plus", that's not something to hang your hopes on.

Speaking of that, what are you hoping for? That he will stop drinking with the help he is going to be receiving?
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Old 07-28-2019, 05:56 PM
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What leaps out...

“It’s only beer.” No. He was drinking.

“Trust me, I will be fine to get you in five hours” to complete sadness to anger to that anger turning on me. ” No. Getting angry at you because he is drinking is not recovering.

“I know it upsets him that I am there and he is not. And I know it is hard for him to be alone without me there.” And? There are a hundred ways he could address this that don’t involve drinking. You being there or not does not control his drinking...he does.

“And of course that is horribly embarrassing and detrimental to my place in the sport. They turn to me and say “is he drunk texting me again”. They simply won’t have me come to events anymore if this happens every time.” So his drinking is not only trashing his your personal life, it’s trashing your professional life.

“I can’t rely on him for simple things.” This is progress?

I’m really sorry you’re going through this...honestly, positive thinking or no, I don’t see anything more than maybe a half step forward, if that. And a whole lot of damage to you.

I hope you grab onto that counseling for yourself...having real life support can make a world of difference.

I hope you find yourself a better path.
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Old 07-28-2019, 06:24 PM
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Funny, I would have described all this nonsense as "One step forward and two back".

In order to save yourself from the dissapointments his alcoholism presents, live your best life by making that next right step for yourself.
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Old 07-28-2019, 06:57 PM
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Maybe it's better than what you're used to, but this still doesn't seem like any kind of "normal" (yet alone "better than normal"). It sounds like you were away for days and he didn't drink for only one of those four days ("beer" on Friday is still drinking). And now he's "turning on you" when he's supposed to be sober to pick you up at the airport.

I think your standards for what is acceptable behavior may have been negatively affected (lowered) by prolonged association with him. Within the last two weeks he's vomited on himself, spit at you (!!!), kept drinking 75% of the time that you were away, and then blew off picking you up because he was drunk.

Maybe he does want to change, and maybe he'll really change at some point - time will tell. It's up to him to decide what he wants to do about his drinking. But how much of this behavior do you want to put up with? (SPITTING?!).

Stop being grateful for things like not driving drunk or not going full angry a-hole. Keep reminding yourself that you deserve respectful treatment, not just a slightly reduced level of verbal and emotional abuse, whether he's drunk or not.

(Sorry if I'm coming on too strong. The boiling-frog quality of your story [it gets worse so gradually that you don't grasp how bad the situation is until it's "boiling"] has a lot of resonance for me).
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Old 07-29-2019, 04:28 AM
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Trying to have a relationship with an addict is constantly about disappointment. We have expectations - normal simple expectations such as a planned ride from the airport - but they get blown apart by addiction.

I learned I couldn't have any expectations for anything. She constantly disappointed me over very simple things. Things she said she would do for me. Each & every disappointment hurt - over & over - never ending.

Sorry for your situation.
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Old 07-29-2019, 04:35 AM
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LookingBusy, I understand that you want to see any little step, no matter how small, as progress on his part. I remember feeling that way about my AXH. He would tell me about how much "better" he was doing now than he was before and I was supposed to be proud and praise him and just be glad it wasn't as bad as "before". It was a slippery slope... it ALWAYS ramped back up to as bad as "before" and often times got worse. Not just his drinking but my reactions to it as well. He was the drinker but we were both very sick.

Some people here don't like the label of "codependent". I KNOW that *I* was a raging codie. I didn't just get on that train to crazy town, I was driving it. I drove myself nuts minimalizing his bad behavior, accepting unacceptable things, trying to figure out ways to control, stop and/or hide his drinking. Trying to understand WHY??? ...

The only answer for them doing what they do is : alcoholism.

Thinking that anything we say or do can or will influence their drinking is flawed thinking on our part. Of course we want to help someone we love, that's natural, but when it comes to alcoholism, we can't help them. We can support their efforts to become sober, but we can not control the outcome.

His drunk behavior is affecting your life in so many negative ways. Not just at home, but everywhere, and every aspect of your life. How much of your day is spent worrying about his alcoholism and the chaos it creates? A whole lot of your energy, if not most of it, is being spent on something you can't control. It's so heavy and it's so exhausting. I remember it well.

I hope you reach out to all avenues of support. Alanon is absolutely available in Canada ( I'm originally from Canada) meetings can be found in even very small towns. There are other options for support as well. I'd love to see you turn the energy you are spending on his issues on yourself and what's healthy for you instead.

I'm glad you are here talking to us LB, I hope you stick around. Have you read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie? You don't have to identify as codependent to learn some very valuable things from that book. It changed my life.

*hug*
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Old 07-29-2019, 07:51 AM
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty View Post
I hope you reach out to all avenues of support. Alanon is absolutely available in Canada ( I'm originally from Canada) meetings can be found in even very small towns. There are other options for support as well. I'd love to see you turn the energy you are spending on his issues on yourself and what's healthy for you instead.
This is a perfect way to describe the purpose of the AlAnon program - to turn the energy we spend on others' issues toward flourishing in our own lives. Doing this in community has many healing purposes, the first being to help lift us out of our propensity to isolate when life gets tough. I, myself, chose to also see a therapist for specific family-of-origin work that was much too personal for me to share in a group, but the community aspect of AlAnon has been a treasure. I'm grateful that I have a place to belong and enjoy kinship with others who totally get it and who mentor healthy living, given our shared love of someone(s) with alcoholism. The community aspect of AlAnon has such a healing quality to it.
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Old 07-29-2019, 08:01 AM
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Please don't worry about coming to seek support. That is what SR is here for.

I am guessing you only know the tip of the iceberg as far as his use. Addicts are crafty.

That being said, I think the counseling for partners is an EXCELLENT idea for you. Thing is, you cannot be in charge of his recovery. He has to do that, not you. However, you can go and get the support you need so that no matter what the outcome is, you are good within yourself.

Big hugs.
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Old 07-29-2019, 08:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972 View Post
Maybe it's better than what you're used to, but this still doesn't seem like any kind of "normal" (yet alone "better than normal").
Yep, this is exactly it. Better than what I am used to and better than last time. 1 day of being drunk vs 4. No new holes in the wall, no screaming or name calling, etc.

So where is the line between progress and excuses? This is legitimately better than last time (and the time before, and before, etc), but yes, I agree with everyone that it is still not good.

Thanks everyone for the perspective. I am a hard-truth person myself, so I sometimes need to hear it back.

He has his first appt with the addiction centre tomorrow. Afterwards, I will call and see if I can get in myself since that is a service they offer. Fingers crossed they say something to get through to him.
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Old 07-29-2019, 10:40 AM
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When I first started Al anon and coda meetings I was surprised how much it changed my husband's behaviour. Magic????
no, but I learnt so much about acting instead of reacting, expectations and disappointment, boundaries ...... That it appeared his behaviour had changed. It was actually the way that I responded to him and interacted with him that changed
You have nothing to lose by going to Al anon and you don't have to say anything. You can just
Listen and learn
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Old 07-29-2019, 12:18 PM
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Looking...….no new holes in the wall and no screaming at you, and name calling is a very low bar for acceptable behavior....
That is abusive and nobody should have to live like that.....you deserve so much better.....

The rules that apply to "normal" relationships do not work for alcoholism or abuse.....This is very counterintuitive to most people, unless they have had occasion to learn about this....
There is sooo much to know. Knowledge is power....
I am so glad to hear that you are going to seek help from the counselors for partners of alcoholics....
I think it will help you so much!
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Old 07-29-2019, 12:37 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Looking...….no new holes in the wall and no screaming at you, and name calling is a very low bar for acceptable behavior....
That is a very good reminder, thank you.
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Old 07-29-2019, 01:07 PM
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I am trying very hard to put my emotions aside and see this for what it really is.
I am trying to remind myself that this is still better than normal.
These two statements of yours seem in conflict with each other. You want to see this for what it really is (an alcoholic who is not ready to surrender to his disease) YET you try and remind yourself it’s better than “normal” (denial). You want all of those things he says he’s going to do to be real but reality is showing you something else that maybe your heart is not ready to accept.

I think counseling for you, al-anon and doing as much research as you can on alcoholism.
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Old 07-29-2019, 03:27 PM
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Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but an alcoholic can't moderate. I call myself an alcoholic because when I have one I have no control over how much I drink or what happens. I think it's good to keep the focus on you and your feelings. Do you trust and respect him?
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Old 07-29-2019, 03:28 PM
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Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but an alcoholic can't moderate. I call myself an alcoholic because when I have one I have no control over how much I drink or what happens. I think it's good to keep the focus on you and your feelings. Do you trust and respect him? Alcoholism is a progressive disease: is this what you want in a relationship?
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Old 07-29-2019, 03:59 PM
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty View Post

His drunk behavior is affecting your life in so many negative ways. Not just at home, but everywhere, and every aspect of your life. How much of your day is spent worrying about his alcoholism and the chaos it creates? A whole lot of your energy, if not most of it, is being spent on something you can't control. It's so heavy and it's so exhausting. I remember it well.
Totally agree here. It gets to the point where your entire life revolves around managing his drinking. It sneaks up on you slowly though and gets worse and worse until you are completely obsessed and your mental (and maybe physical) health is deteriorating. That's not a responsibility you want to take on. Can't tell you how many times I thought, "ok, he's making progress, he wants to change, etc." only for it to get worse. It's a terrible rollercoaster ride and the sooner you can get off, the better.
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Old 07-29-2019, 04:01 PM
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Also, I totally get the feeling that things are getting better because of that time when he had a few beers and didn't get completely wasted. My xabf could drink in moderation, except when he couldn't.
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