He moved out
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 40
He moved out
AH moved out Friday night. He still has a lot of his ‘stuff’ here, but that’s fine with me. We have our own spaces, and for the first time in a really long time, I don’t feel anxious about coming home to see how much he’s had to drink. I’m completely broken-hearted, and I actually started crying in the middle of grocery shopping today, but I’m still breathing. Kiddo has been with me all weekend, and AH came to pick him up this morning for them to spend some time together.
I know that I’m biased because he’s mine, but I am so blown away and humbled by how well my child is dealing with this. He cried quite a bit last night after a good-night phone call with his dad and talked to me about how he felt. I absolutely hated to see him cry and know the grief he feels, but I’m relieved that he’s not holding it in.
I’m sorry, I feel like I’m rambling. Just wanted to share how things are progressing and lean on y’all for just a little bit.
I know that I’m biased because he’s mine, but I am so blown away and humbled by how well my child is dealing with this. He cried quite a bit last night after a good-night phone call with his dad and talked to me about how he felt. I absolutely hated to see him cry and know the grief he feels, but I’m relieved that he’s not holding it in.
I’m sorry, I feel like I’m rambling. Just wanted to share how things are progressing and lean on y’all for just a little bit.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
saudade, I'm sure there are really mixed feelings right now for you, sadness and some relief, as you have described.
It's never easy.
Hopefully your AH spending time with your Son today will help to reassure him that his relationship with his Dad is still fine, it will just be different. He might not be living with you but he's still there for him.
It's never easy.
Hopefully your AH spending time with your Son today will help to reassure him that his relationship with his Dad is still fine, it will just be different. He might not be living with you but he's still there for him.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
oh that's tough going, saudade. yes there is now peace in the home.....but there is the thought that "if he had only......" there could be peace AND your family unit could be intact.
it's ok to cry. it's ok for the kiddo to cry. i hope you can do some extra special things with your child to sooth your souls. it will take time to adjust.
it's ok to cry. it's ok for the kiddo to cry. i hope you can do some extra special things with your child to sooth your souls. it will take time to adjust.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 40
We went out for a mother/son day yesterday... did some back to school shopping, supper, and a movie. It was good for both of us. We also picked up a few little things for him to keep in his room at his dad’s, which I think helped him to feel a little better, too.
I’m really struggling again with self doubt. When I have talked to AH this weekend, he has minimized his drinking even more than he usually does. To hear him tell it, I kicked him out of his house because he likes to drink a beer after mowing. He says that he’s not choosing alcohol over his family, but that he had to move out because I don’t like alcohol and he is not going to quit. Typing it out like that I see it for what it is... complete denial... but in conversation with him, when he is 100% convinced that his drinking is not a problem... it just makes my head spin.
I’m really struggling again with self doubt. When I have talked to AH this weekend, he has minimized his drinking even more than he usually does. To hear him tell it, I kicked him out of his house because he likes to drink a beer after mowing. He says that he’s not choosing alcohol over his family, but that he had to move out because I don’t like alcohol and he is not going to quit. Typing it out like that I see it for what it is... complete denial... but in conversation with him, when he is 100% convinced that his drinking is not a problem... it just makes my head spin.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
You know it is really odd - this "thing" (yes, that is the proper psychological term) that we see posted over and over again here.
It is explained by the poster as you have, self doubt that you did in fact see what you saw, say what you said and made the right decision.
Or, sometimes the poster disbelieves all, sees it as either manipulation or the ranting and denial of the alcoholic.
I think that's another good reason to post here, attend Al-Anon, talk to close family/friends, for the perception check. The - I did see that right - right and it's really wrong - correct. Because it's been the norm so long and because the downplaying has gone on so long, it clouds your judgement. Plus, you WANT to believe him, you didn't really want to leave and have things turn out like this.
The only even partially true part of what he said is the last part:
he had to move out because I don’t like alcohol and he is not going to quit.
And it's only partially true because it's not that you don't like alcohol, it's that you don't want him to be impaired by alcohol around you and your child. If he only drank non-alcoholic beer (and was in true recovery), all would be well.
It is explained by the poster as you have, self doubt that you did in fact see what you saw, say what you said and made the right decision.
Or, sometimes the poster disbelieves all, sees it as either manipulation or the ranting and denial of the alcoholic.
I think that's another good reason to post here, attend Al-Anon, talk to close family/friends, for the perception check. The - I did see that right - right and it's really wrong - correct. Because it's been the norm so long and because the downplaying has gone on so long, it clouds your judgement. Plus, you WANT to believe him, you didn't really want to leave and have things turn out like this.
The only even partially true part of what he said is the last part:
he had to move out because I don’t like alcohol and he is not going to quit.
And it's only partially true because it's not that you don't like alcohol, it's that you don't want him to be impaired by alcohol around you and your child. If he only drank non-alcoholic beer (and was in true recovery), all would be well.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 76
The denial thing is what always got to me the most. You know what you see, you know it's totally unhealthy and not remotely ok, but they brush it off and we're left feeling like we're crazy and then question everything. I'm still dealing with that, every other day I ask a friend or someone whether I over reacted and it wasn't actually a problem. The answer is always a solid NO! But I still question it. From the first week we were together when I carried her out of a party, to the middle of the relationship where she was hiding vodka and pouring it in La Croix cans to conceal, to the neurologist appt that I went to with her after she had a seizure who explicitly said she shouldn't drink more than 1 or 2 drinks tops, ever (this was 6 months ago and she drank basically every day since, mostly well more than 2 and on weekends 10+), to the last weekend together when I picked her up off the bathroom floor after falling down, she still downplayed it all and said I was making a big deal about nothing!! And I am still questioning my perspective to this day! It's truly sick--
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
In the midst of crying and being at my lowest, my therapist said, "and the sun will still rise and set tomorrow." That gave me comfort. I would get through it. A day at a time. And I did.
Keep talking with your child. Keep the door open and communicate, that's the best thing you can possibly do for both of you.
Big hugs!
Keep talking with your child. Keep the door open and communicate, that's the best thing you can possibly do for both of you.
Big hugs!
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