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Fooling Myself

Old 11-23-2004, 02:18 PM
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Fooling Myself

I had lunch today with my H and we got talking about my family. He said he hoped that I could figure out something that worked for me regarding them. He said this because I finally told my truth to them regarding the way they have treated me over the years and we haven't spoken in over 2 months.

At first my auto reply (can anyone say - "react") was to say to him, "I really don't think about it much". He replied, "Yes you do", and he was so right.

I still try and pretend that nothing hurts me. Even when I still feel the grief of, and am trying to accept the fact that I have no legitimate, i.e. emotionally capable, parents. It bothers me and strikes me as unfortunate that I still autoreply to situations rather than dealing with the emotions connected with them. Definitely a meeting tonight. I've not been to any lately and I REALLY need some this week.

This Thanksgiving I have much to be thankful for, and will include in my list the fact that I am beginning to accept that my family will never be the way I would like them to be. That they will never stop all the co-dependent games and that if I am to thrive, rather than survive, I must learn to detach from my biological family. I'm struggling with disconnecting (what I am doing) rather than detaching (what would be healthier). I am thankful for SR and the willingness of all the people here to open their hearts, souls, minds, and spirits to try and make life better for themselves, and thereby help others.

Life is beautiful, sometimes it just doesn't take the shape we wish it would.

Peace to all,
Petunia
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Old 11-23-2004, 04:02 PM
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Nothing like a meeting to whip up back in shape, Petunia. Good choice.

Hugs
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Old 11-23-2004, 04:24 PM
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Auto-replies are dangerous.
How about the Codie classic... "I'm fine."
Or the other Codie classic (when asked "What's wrong?) "Nothing."
(Usually said through clenched teeth).
We have taught ourselves to stuff our feelings and not deal with them.
Fortunately, we can "un-learn" this behavior.
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Old 11-23-2004, 04:36 PM
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i can relate to you a lot. and if you ever need to despretly talk, i am always here, along with everyone else in SR. this is a touchy subject and something that i still avoid at all costs. it's hard to say anything else that you probably haven't heard a thousand times, but just know that you aren't alone!
keep yer head up
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Old 11-23-2004, 05:26 PM
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I can so relate to the family issues

Petunia-

I'm so sorry you are having problems with your parents.

My parents haven't spoken to me in just about 4 years. They do, however, spend lots of time trashing me to my sister. Most days now it doesn't bother me all that much - except where my daughter is concerned. That makes me sad. At other times I waiver between extreme anger and confusion/sadness. How do you hate/dislike/trash one of your kids? Yes, I can see if I was a problem child -- but mostly I'm just a regular person ... I never even knew how much my mother has hated me all of these years until a family melt down about 4 years back ... discovered she'd been telling horrible stories about me for several years ... everyone believed her ... but no one told me ...

Anyway.... I hope you find peace in your life with, or without your parents.

Blessed be
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Old 11-23-2004, 09:35 PM
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I had to come to terms with the fact that I may not like my family of orgin but I needed to accept the fact they were/are doing the best they know how with the tools they were given at this time. I needed to do that for me not them.

That doesn't mean I accept unacceptable behavior from them or others. It just means that I can't change them anymore than I can the alcoholics in my life.
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Old 11-24-2004, 06:20 AM
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Petunia,
I have been dealing with this same issue for a long time. I can get ok with detaching from anyone, even Mr Magic, now. But my mother, father, and brother, and even my extended family, still bring up all those old thoughts and behaviors that I loathe. I feel powerless to do anything but be away from them at this time.

I am working the steps on this matter. I know that I have to find some peace about this. I know that in time, with God's help, I will.

Prayers and support for you. You aren't alone in this struggle. And at this time of year, it seems that much harder. Hugs, Magic
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Old 11-25-2004, 12:30 AM
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"I had to come to terms with the fact that I may not like my family of orgin but I needed to accept the fact they were/are doing the best they know how with the tools they were given at this time. I needed to do that for me not them."

Amen, Daffodil.

Petunia...be grateful that you are breaking the cycle...I too have a "strained" relationship with my family, sometimes its good, sometimes its very dysfunctional....I chose to distance myself from them over this past year....and I'm really working on exactly what Daffodil wrote...and praying a lot.

Best wishes,
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