what to do for my children?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 16
what to do for my children?
its been around 2 years since I last posted. I was splitting up with my partner of 15 years and I am so grateful for the support I received on here. We have now been separated for three years and mostly it’s been no contact for the last year (for me anyway).
he was vile to me and I ended up having to sell the house and gave him £40k as he had nothing... nowhere to live and no job - which apparently was all my fault as I was the ‘bitch from hell with ice running through my veins’ I begged him to use it to put himself through rehab but that didn’t happen. I could see the car crash that was going to happen and begged his mum to let me give her half of it so that she could help him when the time was needed but he was just as horrible to her so she gave in.
the whole time was awful. He then met a lady in AA which was then another disaster. My children really liked her but then they both started drinking again, spending the money on holidays and it eventually led to domestic violence, police arrests and sadly her death alone in some flat surrounded by wine bottles. At this point I had to tell my children the extend of their dads alcoholism and that they were never allowed to get in the car with him. He was beaten up in an alleyway, received three hairline fractures and ever since then has suffered many seizures often hospitalised. When he first went to hospital I told my kids, prepared them to go to visit with me, only to get a phone call to say he had discharged himself after three nights. He has been in and out with seizures since but now I just don’t tell the kids.
he knows he has a problem. His family have tried to help, contacted and tried to help him with rehab places (he has never last more that 2 days), put him in touch with mental health workers and now they are just praying for him to hit rock bottom. The doctors say if he carries on like this he will be dead in 5 years. His mum doesn’t like talking to him as it’s very distressing. Her son was once a talented artist, musician, lovely friend and partner and a fabulous father. It’s all gone now.
roll on to present day, money was spent within a year, he found another girlfriend and has only seen the kids once every three weeks or so and only then for a couple of hours - my 16 year old is too embarrassed to be seen with him so doesn’t go but my 12 year old really wants to see him. He has lost his license for the 3rd time, this time for 5 years, has no job, and living at a friends house. Social services have been in touch 2 weeks ago and suggested only supervised contact for the kids (I always saw him before the kids visited to check what state he was in anyway) as he had a fit in the street and refused to go in the anbulance. Yesterday, I had a phone call saying he was beaten up again and is in hospital. He then text me to say that he didn’t want me telling the kids not the kids seeing the state of his face. I don’t want them seeing him this way.
however, guilt never leaves so I suppose so am asking for advice:
1) do I tell the kids he is in hospital?
2) do I go and visit him to find out how bad things are? He is there by himself - I know this as his friend has been trying to kick him out for a while but feels too guilty. He told me that my ex had to take himself into hospital on a bus because he refuses to give him any help anymore. I find it so sad and tragic to think he is there on his own.
If if anything happens to him, I don’t want the kids to feel guilty but I also do not want that madness in their lives again. I have a new partner that they like and I thought life was returning to some semblance of normality- if anything happens to their dad however, it’s goi g to come crashing down again.
sorry for the ramble.... I am on my phone.
have lovely Thursdays everyone!!
he was vile to me and I ended up having to sell the house and gave him £40k as he had nothing... nowhere to live and no job - which apparently was all my fault as I was the ‘bitch from hell with ice running through my veins’ I begged him to use it to put himself through rehab but that didn’t happen. I could see the car crash that was going to happen and begged his mum to let me give her half of it so that she could help him when the time was needed but he was just as horrible to her so she gave in.
the whole time was awful. He then met a lady in AA which was then another disaster. My children really liked her but then they both started drinking again, spending the money on holidays and it eventually led to domestic violence, police arrests and sadly her death alone in some flat surrounded by wine bottles. At this point I had to tell my children the extend of their dads alcoholism and that they were never allowed to get in the car with him. He was beaten up in an alleyway, received three hairline fractures and ever since then has suffered many seizures often hospitalised. When he first went to hospital I told my kids, prepared them to go to visit with me, only to get a phone call to say he had discharged himself after three nights. He has been in and out with seizures since but now I just don’t tell the kids.
he knows he has a problem. His family have tried to help, contacted and tried to help him with rehab places (he has never last more that 2 days), put him in touch with mental health workers and now they are just praying for him to hit rock bottom. The doctors say if he carries on like this he will be dead in 5 years. His mum doesn’t like talking to him as it’s very distressing. Her son was once a talented artist, musician, lovely friend and partner and a fabulous father. It’s all gone now.
roll on to present day, money was spent within a year, he found another girlfriend and has only seen the kids once every three weeks or so and only then for a couple of hours - my 16 year old is too embarrassed to be seen with him so doesn’t go but my 12 year old really wants to see him. He has lost his license for the 3rd time, this time for 5 years, has no job, and living at a friends house. Social services have been in touch 2 weeks ago and suggested only supervised contact for the kids (I always saw him before the kids visited to check what state he was in anyway) as he had a fit in the street and refused to go in the anbulance. Yesterday, I had a phone call saying he was beaten up again and is in hospital. He then text me to say that he didn’t want me telling the kids not the kids seeing the state of his face. I don’t want them seeing him this way.
however, guilt never leaves so I suppose so am asking for advice:
1) do I tell the kids he is in hospital?
2) do I go and visit him to find out how bad things are? He is there by himself - I know this as his friend has been trying to kick him out for a while but feels too guilty. He told me that my ex had to take himself into hospital on a bus because he refuses to give him any help anymore. I find it so sad and tragic to think he is there on his own.
If if anything happens to him, I don’t want the kids to feel guilty but I also do not want that madness in their lives again. I have a new partner that they like and I thought life was returning to some semblance of normality- if anything happens to their dad however, it’s goi g to come crashing down again.
sorry for the ramble.... I am on my phone.
have lovely Thursdays everyone!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 16
As an aside....
I just went back to read my threads of 3 years ago... it’s made me realise how far I have come from a time that was a living hell.
its strange how the feelings of what could have been never completely go away. It’s tragic to watch someone ruin their life so completely.
When I speak to people about what the doctors have said about my ex, They say that I am being over dramatic and that alcoholics can go on for years. They say that I shouldn’t talk about it with the boys as they rarely see him and ignorance is bliss and just help them lead their best lives.
Why isn’t there ever a magic wand to make this okay for everyone?
its strange how the feelings of what could have been never completely go away. It’s tragic to watch someone ruin their life so completely.
When I speak to people about what the doctors have said about my ex, They say that I am being over dramatic and that alcoholics can go on for years. They say that I shouldn’t talk about it with the boys as they rarely see him and ignorance is bliss and just help them lead their best lives.
Why isn’t there ever a magic wand to make this okay for everyone?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
I really feel for you. It's hard to know what to do for the kids. Your 16 year old is possibly old enough to handle the truth. I'm not so sure about your 12 year old.
have either of them had counselling?
Glad to hear you have come a long way in the last couple of years. Hold onto that and stay strong
have either of them had counselling?
Glad to hear you have come a long way in the last couple of years. Hold onto that and stay strong
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Daily, you can only do what you think is best at the time. The consequences might be good or bad, but as long as you don't act out of vengeance or anger, you will have acted with integrity.
I don't think telling the kids, or visiting, brings madness into their lives because they have a stable home with you. If they do visit, maybe they could take a card or something. It's not to help him, but will give them a feeling they were kind to him if the worst does happen.
I don't think telling the kids, or visiting, brings madness into their lives because they have a stable home with you. If they do visit, maybe they could take a card or something. It's not to help him, but will give them a feeling they were kind to him if the worst does happen.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 235
My kids handled the truth much better than they handled me pretending.
You can dance around and expend your energy trying to fake that everything is OK, but it will be for nothing. Your kids likely know things are bad, really, really bad. Ask any adult child of an alcoholic parent, the kids KNOW that something is going down and whatever it is, it ain't good.
Kids can tell from the way you are behaving. My kids can pick up almost immediately when I am on edge. I used to try to fake it, for their sake, but, having been their primary carer their whole lives, they know my "tells". We all have our "tells".
You can dance around and expend your energy trying to fake that everything is OK, but it will be for nothing. Your kids likely know things are bad, really, really bad. Ask any adult child of an alcoholic parent, the kids KNOW that something is going down and whatever it is, it ain't good.
Kids can tell from the way you are behaving. My kids can pick up almost immediately when I am on edge. I used to try to fake it, for their sake, but, having been their primary carer their whole lives, they know my "tells". We all have our "tells".
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
keep it simple, direct and on point.
dad was in an altercation and is in the hospital recovering.
no need for all the other chaos that led up to it, or having to take the bus. just the facts of the current situation.
and he is NOT alone in the hospital. nurses and doctors check in with patients regularly, food is delivered bedside, other patients, noises. def NOT alone.
dad was in an altercation and is in the hospital recovering.
no need for all the other chaos that led up to it, or having to take the bus. just the facts of the current situation.
and he is NOT alone in the hospital. nurses and doctors check in with patients regularly, food is delivered bedside, other patients, noises. def NOT alone.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
With children, honesty is the best policy. You are the reliable one to them, so they rely on you for solid answers. Be open to answer their questions, age appropriately. I like Anvil 's suggestions. You don't have to go on about the long sob story,, but you can give the the honesty they depend on from you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I agree that honesty is the best policy. Real honesty:
"This is why dad's in hospital, all these health incidents relate directly to his alcoholism. However we did not Cause, we cannot Control, and we cannot Cure his alcoholism. And all of these scary and sad feelings we feel can be really confusing and upsetting. In some ways we have to protect ourselves from the insanity of his decisions, and yet we want to still send him love. I feel like showing support in these ways: a...b,...c.... etc. Do you kids feel good about those ways or do you have some other ideas for showing love but remaining detached? There is also an option of staying out of his life completely for a while, and we can talk about some of the feelings that come up with making that choice."
Then maybe brainstorm some ways you each can still show love without having a front row seat to his self-destruction: sending cards or letters or flowers, etc.
When I was a kid my Dad was admitted to the hospital for heart problems one Christmas Eve. My little brother and I had to accompany him and my Mom to the hospital because no one was home to babysit. I was really scared. I remember overhearing the nurse and doc mention "holiday heart" while speaking to my Mom. I'll never forget it. Because as a little kid (maybe I was 10) it was a term that registered in a very confusing way. Did Christmas cause his heart to get sick???!! LOL Not until I got older (probably in nursing school) did I learn what holiday heart is - a slang term for a variety of heart rhythm problems directly related to acute abuse of alcohol in a longtime alcoholic.
Hindsight is an exact science and the conversations I dream up, like my example above, are the ones I wish my Mom had had the courage and openness to have with us when we were kids growing up with an A Father. Also AlAteen would have been a godsend.
https://al-anon.org
But whatever you decide, share as much of your struggle and confusion with them as is appropriate - just saying to a young person, "This is really tough stuff, and even Mom gets overwhelmed and confused about her feelings sometimes, but please know you can always come and talk to me and ask me anything." That kind of open honest communication would have been such a comfort and relief to me and all my siblings.
Good luck, I know it is so hard
but you're the super hero for your kids, you have the super powers of sobriety and sanity and consitency!
Peace,
B
"This is why dad's in hospital, all these health incidents relate directly to his alcoholism. However we did not Cause, we cannot Control, and we cannot Cure his alcoholism. And all of these scary and sad feelings we feel can be really confusing and upsetting. In some ways we have to protect ourselves from the insanity of his decisions, and yet we want to still send him love. I feel like showing support in these ways: a...b,...c.... etc. Do you kids feel good about those ways or do you have some other ideas for showing love but remaining detached? There is also an option of staying out of his life completely for a while, and we can talk about some of the feelings that come up with making that choice."
Then maybe brainstorm some ways you each can still show love without having a front row seat to his self-destruction: sending cards or letters or flowers, etc.
When I was a kid my Dad was admitted to the hospital for heart problems one Christmas Eve. My little brother and I had to accompany him and my Mom to the hospital because no one was home to babysit. I was really scared. I remember overhearing the nurse and doc mention "holiday heart" while speaking to my Mom. I'll never forget it. Because as a little kid (maybe I was 10) it was a term that registered in a very confusing way. Did Christmas cause his heart to get sick???!! LOL Not until I got older (probably in nursing school) did I learn what holiday heart is - a slang term for a variety of heart rhythm problems directly related to acute abuse of alcohol in a longtime alcoholic.
Hindsight is an exact science and the conversations I dream up, like my example above, are the ones I wish my Mom had had the courage and openness to have with us when we were kids growing up with an A Father. Also AlAteen would have been a godsend.
https://al-anon.org
But whatever you decide, share as much of your struggle and confusion with them as is appropriate - just saying to a young person, "This is really tough stuff, and even Mom gets overwhelmed and confused about her feelings sometimes, but please know you can always come and talk to me and ask me anything." That kind of open honest communication would have been such a comfort and relief to me and all my siblings.
Good luck, I know it is so hard
but you're the super hero for your kids, you have the super powers of sobriety and sanity and consitency! Peace,
B
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
This stands out for me:
Yesterday, I had a phone call saying he was beaten up again and is in hospital. He then text me to say that he didn’t want me telling the kids not the kids seeing the state of his face. I don’t want them seeing him this way.
This sounds like he's asking you to cover for him with the kids - not in an age-appropriate don't-overwhelm-them-with-information way, but in a minimize-the-consequences-of-my-drinking way. I assume he was drunk when he got beat up?
Given the kids' ages, I think you could say something like "Dad got in a fight and got hurt - he's in the hospital right now and he's not up for visitors. When he gets out of the hospital, we can figure out what to do about visiting him".
You don't have to have all the answers right now, and you really don't have to cover for him (you also don't need to go see what kind of shape he is in - that's what hospitals are for, they are full of people whose jobs it is to look after the sick and injured. You don't have to step in).
Yesterday, I had a phone call saying he was beaten up again and is in hospital. He then text me to say that he didn’t want me telling the kids not the kids seeing the state of his face. I don’t want them seeing him this way.
This sounds like he's asking you to cover for him with the kids - not in an age-appropriate don't-overwhelm-them-with-information way, but in a minimize-the-consequences-of-my-drinking way. I assume he was drunk when he got beat up?
Given the kids' ages, I think you could say something like "Dad got in a fight and got hurt - he's in the hospital right now and he's not up for visitors. When he gets out of the hospital, we can figure out what to do about visiting him".
You don't have to have all the answers right now, and you really don't have to cover for him (you also don't need to go see what kind of shape he is in - that's what hospitals are for, they are full of people whose jobs it is to look after the sick and injured. You don't have to step in).
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This!!!
Originally Posted by Sasha1972 
This stands out for me:
Yesterday, I had a phone call saying he was beaten up again and is in hospital. He then text me to say that he didn’t want me telling the kids not the kids seeing the state of his face. I don’t want them seeing him this way.
This sounds like he's asking you to cover for him with the kids - not in an age-appropriate don't-overwhelm-them-with-information way, but in a minimize-the-consequences-of-my-drinking way. I assume he was drunk when he got beat up?
Given the kids' ages, I think you could say something like "Dad got in a fight and got hurt - he's in the hospital right now and he's not up for visitors. When he gets out of the hospital, we can figure out what to do about visiting him".
You don't have to have all the answers right now, and you really don't have to cover for him (you also don't need to go see what kind of shape he is in - that's what hospitals are for, they are full of people whose jobs it is to look after the sick and injured. You don't have to step in).
Yesterday, I had a phone call saying he was beaten up again and is in hospital. He then text me to say that he didn’t want me telling the kids not the kids seeing the state of his face. I don’t want them seeing him this way.
This sounds like he's asking you to cover for him with the kids - not in an age-appropriate don't-overwhelm-them-with-information way, but in a minimize-the-consequences-of-my-drinking way. I assume he was drunk when he got beat up?
Given the kids' ages, I think you could say something like "Dad got in a fight and got hurt - he's in the hospital right now and he's not up for visitors. When he gets out of the hospital, we can figure out what to do about visiting him".
You don't have to have all the answers right now, and you really don't have to cover for him (you also don't need to go see what kind of shape he is in - that's what hospitals are for, they are full of people whose jobs it is to look after the sick and injured. You don't have to step in).
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