A letter... & a bad day.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
A letter... & a bad day.
Today was just a bad day. Need to vent, more than anything.
Earlier today, a friend & old colleague died... a suspected suicide.
Then I received 2 letters. One from my mother, who (along with my father & brother) I’m estranged from. But she sent me a letter saying she was diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis. I know absolutely nothing about it... if anyone has any experience or knowledge about PF, please let me know. I’ll do some research tonight... not that this will necessarily start us communicating again.
Then I received a typed letter (sent to my PO Box) from my AXGF which took me over the edge... I’ve been completely NC w/her since May. I thought I was doing good... thought I’d be strong enough to open it — or, I thought something positive would be in her words. For a brief moment, I actually was feeling excited to open it up. Crazy how I still only dream of good things for her... well, sadly there wasn’t one good thing written. It was definitely one for the books. She ripped me apart... everything she knew would hurt me... she mentioned. It was one of those nightmare letters that every person (re: me!) dreaming of closure... will now never get!
I cried of course. I’m hurt. Really hurt.
I guess my heart just broke into pieces all over again. I assume, she knew it would. My rational brain knows her abusive words mean nothing... that it’s her addiction talking... but my heart still aches tonight.
I loved her more than anyone in my lifetime. She was my first love. And yet she now sends me such words of hate... I don’t know how to recover from this agony. I don’t understand why I care... why this is so hard for me to get over!?
Why can’t I just stop caring?!...
How can I stop loving her?!!!!
I need virtual hugs guys. Tears....
Earlier today, a friend & old colleague died... a suspected suicide.
Then I received 2 letters. One from my mother, who (along with my father & brother) I’m estranged from. But she sent me a letter saying she was diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis. I know absolutely nothing about it... if anyone has any experience or knowledge about PF, please let me know. I’ll do some research tonight... not that this will necessarily start us communicating again.
Then I received a typed letter (sent to my PO Box) from my AXGF which took me over the edge... I’ve been completely NC w/her since May. I thought I was doing good... thought I’d be strong enough to open it — or, I thought something positive would be in her words. For a brief moment, I actually was feeling excited to open it up. Crazy how I still only dream of good things for her... well, sadly there wasn’t one good thing written. It was definitely one for the books. She ripped me apart... everything she knew would hurt me... she mentioned. It was one of those nightmare letters that every person (re: me!) dreaming of closure... will now never get!
I cried of course. I’m hurt. Really hurt.
I guess my heart just broke into pieces all over again. I assume, she knew it would. My rational brain knows her abusive words mean nothing... that it’s her addiction talking... but my heart still aches tonight.
I loved her more than anyone in my lifetime. She was my first love. And yet she now sends me such words of hate... I don’t know how to recover from this agony. I don’t understand why I care... why this is so hard for me to get over!?
Why can’t I just stop caring?!...
How can I stop loving her?!!!!
I need virtual hugs guys. Tears....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
Oh, dear. I am so sorry for that. What normal, kind people do is they write that letter with all the sh***y things about their ex and then they cry and burn it. What an awful thing to burden you with.
But, this is why you are here with us (such as we are) and not with her. Because she is willing to shred you for a seconds worth of her own relief or vindictive glee.
I can imagine how it hurts, but I hope you let it wash over you in time. She can’t make you into any ugly thing she calls you and we already know she cannot be trusted to be kind, or rational, or a reliable narrator. Burn the letter and be glad to be rid of someone who would do that to you.
I am sorry about your friend.
But, this is why you are here with us (such as we are) and not with her. Because she is willing to shred you for a seconds worth of her own relief or vindictive glee.
I can imagine how it hurts, but I hope you let it wash over you in time. She can’t make you into any ugly thing she calls you and we already know she cannot be trusted to be kind, or rational, or a reliable narrator. Burn the letter and be glad to be rid of someone who would do that to you.
I am sorry about your friend.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Have you seen that post someone made here (I’ve been looking and can’t find it to give them credit) that shows the brain scan of advanced alcoholics versus a normal brain? Their brains are literally filled with huge gaps in their white matter...here’s one link but you can find lots of them out there: https://c8.alamy.com/comp/HRJH0X/nor...ans-HRJH0X.jpg
My point is that she is brain damaged, possibly severely. Her hatefulness is just the product of a very diseased mental state, no more, no less. You just happen to be the target of the moment.
So please, please try not to give her words any credence. She’s long gone and only the disease remains. Burn that thing ASAP, turn your face toward the future and move on.
I am very sorry she was able to get around your NC. Next time, if there is one, flush it before you even open it, yes?
Sending you a monster hug.
My point is that she is brain damaged, possibly severely. Her hatefulness is just the product of a very diseased mental state, no more, no less. You just happen to be the target of the moment.
So please, please try not to give her words any credence. She’s long gone and only the disease remains. Burn that thing ASAP, turn your face toward the future and move on.
I am very sorry she was able to get around your NC. Next time, if there is one, flush it before you even open it, yes?
Sending you a monster hug.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
NYC: So sorry to hear this news...all around. What a brutal day you have had. I truly hope you can find a little peace tonight. I hope you ave something sweet to eat in the house...cake or ice cream...chocolate. Your strength in going NC since May is testament to your strength, the letter sounded harsh but my money is on you, pulling through in short order. Of course it hurts...it has to, you loved her..Someone said it to me today "this too shall pass", but you gotta feel your way thru. Peace from the west coast.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 66
2x3 coming your way...
This woman who you witness before you is not the woman who was your first love. This woman is a horror show who screwed you over right and left with her behaviors.
You escaped!
You love her? of course you love her... the woman you fell in love with... but this is not her... the woman who tormented you and wrote you such a disgusting letter.
Screw her!
Remember the pain.
Move on.
This woman who you witness before you is not the woman who was your first love. This woman is a horror show who screwed you over right and left with her behaviors.
You escaped!
You love her? of course you love her... the woman you fell in love with... but this is not her... the woman who tormented you and wrote you such a disgusting letter.
Screw her!
Remember the pain.
Move on.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,984
Oh Lifechange, I wish I could just fold you into a big hug and let you cry. What a truly horrific day. Not one or even two but a triple whammy.
Sending you all the kindness, peace and healing possible.
Sending you all the kindness, peace and healing possible.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
“I wish I could take back those 5 years of my life that I wasted on you...”
“I have chosen to forget about you because you don’t deserve someone like me. I have erased all the good memories and time we spent together.”
“You are dead to me.”
“You odious son of a b*tch...”
“I wish I could say I wish you the best in life but to be honest, I don’t.”
—
I hope to feel better come the morning...
They shouldn’t... but words like these hurt. And this was the better... of the worst.
I’m sure in a few days, I’ll start to detach... and begin healing again...
I just have to wrap my head around finding closure for myself in this relationship... so I can truly move on.
Thank you for listening. Thanks everyone, for your caring words & honesty. I know she’s very sick. I know, it’s bad. It’s been bad. And it’s not about me. But letting go... is.
“I have chosen to forget about you because you don’t deserve someone like me. I have erased all the good memories and time we spent together.”
“You are dead to me.”
“You odious son of a b*tch...”
“I wish I could say I wish you the best in life but to be honest, I don’t.”
—
I hope to feel better come the morning...
They shouldn’t... but words like these hurt. And this was the better... of the worst.
I’m sure in a few days, I’ll start to detach... and begin healing again...
I just have to wrap my head around finding closure for myself in this relationship... so I can truly move on.
Thank you for listening. Thanks everyone, for your caring words & honesty. I know she’s very sick. I know, it’s bad. It’s been bad. And it’s not about me. But letting go... is.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
Ah sunshine. I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I've looked at the brain scans of young alcoholics and it really is brain damage. If she'd survived brain trauma you wouldn't put any stock wotsoever into her words. She probably lashed out while drunk.
You do not deserve one moment of this pain. This is her pain and her disease. Know that we've all been there and God I know what it feels like to feel my heart break all over again... And I thought my EXAH could never hurt me again.
I hope you can be with a friend tonight, family.. I hope your mum gets better. You will get past this. We are all here.. All the time. I'm sending you a cosmic knock knock joke.
You do not deserve one moment of this pain. This is her pain and her disease. Know that we've all been there and God I know what it feels like to feel my heart break all over again... And I thought my EXAH could never hurt me again.
I hope you can be with a friend tonight, family.. I hope your mum gets better. You will get past this. We are all here.. All the time. I'm sending you a cosmic knock knock joke.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Hi NYC, well, those are quite the comments by her. I'm guessing you have heard similar from her before, during a rant. This is no different.
They say hurt people hurt people, you know she is hurt, not necessarily by you (although I'm sure that wasn't her finest hour) but by the way she is living.
They say hurt people hurt people, you know she is hurt, not necessarily by you (although I'm sure that wasn't her finest hour) but by the way she is living.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
LifeChange….my heart goes out to you! I know how deep her words must have cut you. Just awful.
I am glad you told us about it....and, I am glad you were able to let yourself cry...
I cried for you, myself, as I read your words....
sending you virtual love, LifeChange….
I am glad you told us about it....and, I am glad you were able to let yourself cry...
I cried for you, myself, as I read your words....
sending you virtual love, LifeChange….
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 235
Originally Posted by LifeChangeNYC 
Why can’t I just stop caring?!...
How can I stop loving her?!!!!
I need virtual hugs guys. Tears....
Us co-dependents, in my experience, don't have to stop caring. We don't have to stop loving. I still care about and love people who have hurt me. I just choose not to be involved and not to enable nor fund their drama and chaos. My mental and physical health cannot deal with the drama, the chaos and the expense (financial and emotional). So, I choose to be D. O. N. E. with it.
Maintain your own boundaries, this is easier said than done, but you need to do this for your own sake. Put yourself first. Care and love from afar if that's how you roll, but boundaries. Keep them.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by LifeChangeNYC
“I wish I could take back those 5 years of my life that I wasted on you...”
“I have chosen to forget about you because you don’t deserve someone like me. I have erased all the good memories and time we spent together.”
“You are dead to me.”
“You odious son of a b*tch...”
“I wish I could say I wish you the best in life but to be honest, I don’t.”
—
I hope to feel better come the morning...
They shouldn’t... but words like these hurt. And this was the better... of the worst.
I’m sure in a few days, I’ll start to detach... and begin healing again...
I just have to wrap my head around finding closure for myself in this relationship... so I can truly move on.
Thank you for listening. Thanks everyone, for your caring words & honesty. I know she’s very sick. I know, it’s bad. It’s been bad. And it’s not about me. But letting go... is.
“I have chosen to forget about you because you don’t deserve someone like me. I have erased all the good memories and time we spent together.”
“You are dead to me.”
“You odious son of a b*tch...”
“I wish I could say I wish you the best in life but to be honest, I don’t.”
—
I hope to feel better come the morning...
They shouldn’t... but words like these hurt. And this was the better... of the worst.
I’m sure in a few days, I’ll start to detach... and begin healing again...
I just have to wrap my head around finding closure for myself in this relationship... so I can truly move on.
Thank you for listening. Thanks everyone, for your caring words & honesty. I know she’s very sick. I know, it’s bad. It’s been bad. And it’s not about me. But letting go... is.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
LC, consider that everything she wrote to you, she is actually saying to herself.
"What Jack says about John says more about Jack than it says about John"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Thank you again...everyone for pulling me back to sanity last night. I cried pretty much all night long. It’s completely crazy but I had to actually remind myself that I was a very kind, faithful, and devoted boyfriend. Abusive words make you feel just the opposite... but I gave my life to that girl...& then some (to the point that I had nothing left... for myself or anyone else!). I had to make yet another list to remind myself of all that.
The insanity of loving an alcoholic is just so forever confusing & heartbreaking to me. Nothing ever feels “normal”... UGHHHH!!!
I feel a little better this morning... but the feeling of emptiness and sorrow is still pretty overwhelming.
Much love...
The insanity of loving an alcoholic is just so forever confusing & heartbreaking to me. Nothing ever feels “normal”... UGHHHH!!!
I feel a little better this morning... but the feeling of emptiness and sorrow is still pretty overwhelming.
Much love...
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 35
Oh man, that is so rough, I'm sorry I left my XABF in May as well, and I sure thought I'd be farther along by now as I approach the 3 month mark. But I am still grief stricken too.
Those horrible things she said are CLEARLY her way of blame and shame-shifting in my opinion. They don't seem to be capable of owning their role in the demise of our relationships. And so they spew the poison out onto us to temporarily relieve themselves. Please try not to take it to heart, easier said than done, I know
I will say this-- my XABF uses a different tactic.. He has been sending me "nice" messages about how he misses me and I was his love and future. Pretty words that I would love to believe, but I don't. Very few of his words over our years together were true, why would these nice ones nearly 3 months later suddenly be real?
My point being, even nice messages from them can eff us up. It leaves us questioning our senses and if maybe they weren't as bad as we thought. It keeps that d*mn door of hope open a crack. The mean messages are easier for me to deal with in a way because they at least line up with and confirm what I already know to be true-- that these people are not healthy, not in their right minds, and not able to contribute enough to sustain a happy, healthy relationship like we deserve.
Let her foul letter be a reminder to you that she is still ill, that you made the right decision in going NC, and that you deserve much better.
I left my XABF in May as well, and I sure thought I'd be farther along by now as I approach the 3 month mark. But I am still grief stricken too. Those horrible things she said are CLEARLY her way of blame and shame-shifting in my opinion. They don't seem to be capable of owning their role in the demise of our relationships. And so they spew the poison out onto us to temporarily relieve themselves. Please try not to take it to heart, easier said than done, I know
I will say this-- my XABF uses a different tactic.. He has been sending me "nice" messages about how he misses me and I was his love and future. Pretty words that I would love to believe, but I don't. Very few of his words over our years together were true, why would these nice ones nearly 3 months later suddenly be real?
My point being, even nice messages from them can eff us up. It leaves us questioning our senses and if maybe they weren't as bad as we thought. It keeps that d*mn door of hope open a crack. The mean messages are easier for me to deal with in a way because they at least line up with and confirm what I already know to be true-- that these people are not healthy, not in their right minds, and not able to contribute enough to sustain a happy, healthy relationship like we deserve.
Let her foul letter be a reminder to you that she is still ill, that you made the right decision in going NC, and that you deserve much better.
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