A letter... & a bad day.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
I guess... yes... not great, but better than expected, Trailmix.
I’m definitely dealing with it. I’m facing it. I haven’t crumbled. I’ve remained NC even with a broken heart... I’m actually breaking old patterns and for that, I’m thankful and proud of myself.
I’m definitely dealing with it. I’m facing it. I haven’t crumbled. I’ve remained NC even with a broken heart... I’m actually breaking old patterns and for that, I’m thankful and proud of myself.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
LifeChange…..You ask "if any of it was real".....An important point, I think....is, that you know that Your feelings were real. You cannot know what is in someone else's mind, for sure. You can guess and try to estimate, but, that is as far as you can get.
You know that what you felt, at the time was real, and you know that your motives were sincere. Hold on to that....which, I think, is a good starting place to go forward....
You know that what you felt, at the time was real, and you know that your motives were sincere. Hold on to that....which, I think, is a good starting place to go forward....
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 235
Originally Posted by LifeChangeNYC 
I’ll never forget one night she “wanted” to “beat my head in with a baseball bat.” Her eyes glazed over as they often did when she was in a rage. She always had this entitled aura about her... she’d smirk & laugh about things she “hated” about me... small weaknesses or having “no friends.”
Note...I lost most of my friends because she consumed all my time... all my worry. But she claimed it was because I was a loser.
[/left]
Note...I lost most of my friends because she consumed all my time... all my worry. But she claimed it was because I was a loser.
[/left]
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 319
What Wehav2day said on the previous page about alcoholism not necessarily causing the abuse, I tend to agree with. Of course substances affect people in different ways, and sometimes you do get those Jekyll/ Hyde personality changes driven by a substance.
Bottom line, though, whatever the reason (the substance , a personality disorder, a repeat of learned childhood patterns, some combo, something else..) it’s almost irrelevant why, in the moment, where the abuse is originating from, it’s the abusive behavior in and of itself that’s the issue and the priority. You say you are in NY- I’m in the states too, not sure what kind of resources you have available to you, but there’s some great info on the Canadian Centre For Men & Families website, for men and boys/ children specifically who are in situations where the female is the abuser. They are on Facebook, and they have some thoughtful discussions on YouTube, where men are sharing their experiences, and the challenges they faced when getting help.
Also about the letter and what to do with things like that. I’m reminded of this show Enter The Dojo, a Martial Arts comedy/ parody web series on YouTube. There’s this girl Fiona that’s stalking this guy Anthony pretty much all through season 1 & 2 and he just tries to ignore her best that he can. Eventually she comes back with an “apology “ (which she can’t really verbalize because she keeps passing out). Finally he caves a little, and leaves her a note saying that he accepts her apology. When she wakes up and sees the note, all she can zero in on is the fact that he signed it “sincerely, Anthony”. She’s like, “he said “sincerely”...I knew he still wanted me!!”(and it started all over)
I think that’s how it is in real life too when you’re dealing with someone unbalanced, you just don’t know how they are going to take things or what will set them off, especially when they have a history of becoming unhinged. I think your plan of burning it is wise, who needs another potential trigger, or that mean, cutting stuff floating around in their head :/.
Bottom line, though, whatever the reason (the substance , a personality disorder, a repeat of learned childhood patterns, some combo, something else..) it’s almost irrelevant why, in the moment, where the abuse is originating from, it’s the abusive behavior in and of itself that’s the issue and the priority. You say you are in NY- I’m in the states too, not sure what kind of resources you have available to you, but there’s some great info on the Canadian Centre For Men & Families website, for men and boys/ children specifically who are in situations where the female is the abuser. They are on Facebook, and they have some thoughtful discussions on YouTube, where men are sharing their experiences, and the challenges they faced when getting help.
Also about the letter and what to do with things like that. I’m reminded of this show Enter The Dojo, a Martial Arts comedy/ parody web series on YouTube. There’s this girl Fiona that’s stalking this guy Anthony pretty much all through season 1 & 2 and he just tries to ignore her best that he can. Eventually she comes back with an “apology “ (which she can’t really verbalize because she keeps passing out). Finally he caves a little, and leaves her a note saying that he accepts her apology. When she wakes up and sees the note, all she can zero in on is the fact that he signed it “sincerely, Anthony”. She’s like, “he said “sincerely”...I knew he still wanted me!!”(and it started all over)
I think that’s how it is in real life too when you’re dealing with someone unbalanced, you just don’t know how they are going to take things or what will set them off, especially when they have a history of becoming unhinged. I think your plan of burning it is wise, who needs another potential trigger, or that mean, cutting stuff floating around in their head :/.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Personally, I wouldn't even bother burning it. I'd simply toss it in the trash..where it belongs and get back to living my newfound life of freedom. If another ever came... straight in the trash at the po box. Just like I/most do with junk mail.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
LifeChange…...the trauma is still so recent and fresh, in your brain.
Keep in mind, that, people who are raging while on drink or drugs don't even remember a lot of what they do. Much of it is in blackout....
Which is not the case for those who are suffering from the wounds...we tend to hang on to every word and action...as if it came from a rational, alert, well considered mind.....
Keep in mind, that, people who are raging while on drink or drugs don't even remember a lot of what they do. Much of it is in blackout....
Which is not the case for those who are suffering from the wounds...we tend to hang on to every word and action...as if it came from a rational, alert, well considered mind.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Trailmix: the letter wasn’t about true or false... or listing everything I did wrong. We never fought about dirty dishes or me looking at other women... I was 100% in love with her & committed to our relationship.
We fought only at night after she’d drink to nearly blacking out... it would start with small... tiny mean comments under her breath... things like: “You don’t really love me...” or “you never planned to marry me.” Then, I’d say - wait, what? And I would fuel the fire trying to defend my love for her. Get where I’m going with this....
This was how we fought. And I couldn’t bare it... the pain of all her little comments began to eat away at my soul.
I’m not going to get into all the levels of pain... and complexities in our relationship on here... but it’s a lot.
Much of her pain (& honestly my pain) revolves around how many times I left her. It was turbulent to say the least. And I feel horrible about that. I never wanted to add more trauma to our rollercoaster of a relationship. But I left because of the insanity... & returned each time with the same HOPE... and false promises of sobriety. She’d beg me to return... we’d make our life goals... talk about therapy together... etc etc etc. I’d crumble and return.
It isn’t just about this letter... it symbolizes all the thousands of little, yet painful pokes she’d stab into my heart... nearly every night while drinking.
We fought only at night after she’d drink to nearly blacking out... it would start with small... tiny mean comments under her breath... things like: “You don’t really love me...” or “you never planned to marry me.” Then, I’d say - wait, what? And I would fuel the fire trying to defend my love for her. Get where I’m going with this....
This was how we fought. And I couldn’t bare it... the pain of all her little comments began to eat away at my soul.
I’m not going to get into all the levels of pain... and complexities in our relationship on here... but it’s a lot.
Much of her pain (& honestly my pain) revolves around how many times I left her. It was turbulent to say the least. And I feel horrible about that. I never wanted to add more trauma to our rollercoaster of a relationship. But I left because of the insanity... & returned each time with the same HOPE... and false promises of sobriety. She’d beg me to return... we’d make our life goals... talk about therapy together... etc etc etc. I’d crumble and return.
It isn’t just about this letter... it symbolizes all the thousands of little, yet painful pokes she’d stab into my heart... nearly every night while drinking.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Originally Posted by LifeChangeNYC
Much of her pain (& honestly my pain) revolves around how many times I left her. It was turbulent to say the least. And I feel horrible about that. I never wanted to add more trauma
You can live with abuse for many years and never take a break, never leave, heck never even threaten to leave. What inevitably happens is burn out. Now that seems obvious, but how many people in an abusive relationship/marriage take a time out? Not that many.
Whenever you are in a relationship like this it drains you. Drains your strength, your sense of self, your confidence etc etc. Fighting your way through life to just be YOU is not the easy road.
Eventually the burn out happens. The emotional if not physical break down. You cannot continue in any kind of healthy way when the person that is closest to you takes and takes and takes and never gives. Now, they might throw you a few crumbs now and then, heck maybe even a slice, but the divide is too great.
Your situation was really accelerated and volatile, plus you had your surgeries to deal with. That's a lot! So if you hadn't taken those breaks, if you hadn't walked out, you probably would have ended it much sooner than you did.
I don't know, just thinking, maybe don't be too hard on yourself, six of one half a dozen of the other? Regardless you would have left eventually anyway, or been forced to leave.
Perhaps because this was your first really close relationship you don't see how truly abusive and horrendous it was. Short of her actually physically abusing you as well, it doesn't get much worse than this NYC.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Originally Posted by LifeChangeNYC
Much of her pain (& honestly my pain) revolves around how many times I left her. It was turbulent to say the least. And I feel horrible about that. I never wanted to add more trauma to our rollercoaster of a relationship.
Leaving under those circumstances is the SANE RESPONSE. Hanging around waiting for her to catch her breath and abuse you more would have been...nuts. If it caused her so much pain to have you leave, she could have...dunno...quit being horrible to you?
She made her choices over and over again. I’m with those who say there was more wrong there than alcoholism...sounds there’s a sadistic streak in there that maybe found gratification in bullying you.
Again....she’s mentally ill. If she said you were a pink rabbit out of her mental delusions, would you feel like you might be a rabbit? So try not to let the words she did hurl at you have any more validity than that.
You’re a good guy. I hope you have help in real life to get you through this, because it’s way past time for you to have a happier life.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Ny, I'm an ACOA. It's taken me, literally, over 40 years to stop replaying my 1st qualifiers' " Greatest Hits" in my mind. I heard so many times what a piece of crap I was as a child that I carried that belief long into adulthood.
Others told me it wasn't true, but I struggled with my own truth for an interminable amount of time. It hurts.
I hope you achieve a level of self- talk that helps you reverse the damage your qualifier has caused.
Yoga, meditation, prayer, self- affirmation, and just moments of gratitude have helped me tremendously.
Others told me it wasn't true, but I struggled with my own truth for an interminable amount of time. It hurts.
I hope you achieve a level of self- talk that helps you reverse the damage your qualifier has caused.
Yoga, meditation, prayer, self- affirmation, and just moments of gratitude have helped me tremendously.
Last edited by skippernlilg; 07-25-2019 at 06:20 PM. Reason: Sp
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by LifeChangeNYC
Whether I rip, burn, stomp on... or whatever I do with the letter isn’t the issue. Her words are etched in my brain... trying to move past the trauma is the problem.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
For the first time in over 5 years... I felt a little understood... by someone 😪 ... I finally felt my shoulders relax slightly reading your thoughtful responses to me. Thank you beyond words. I feel less alone tonight.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,985
Big hug to you Mr. Lifechange. This indeed is a set back. Keep working and putting together "No Contact" time. Any contact just breaks open the wound.
Note: I would so have opened that letter . . . ugh.
Note: I would so have opened that letter . . . ugh.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Trailmix: No one has ever described exactly how I felt like you somehow did. I was worn out... ripped apart... completely exhausted. Leaving was never about how much I loved her... or wanting the relationship to work... it was about me being emotionally & physically exhausted. I had absolutely nothing left, not even money or possessions... all I knew... I couldn’t breathe or tolerate a single minute longer of her rage... torment... manipulation... addictions. And yes, you’re right... I would have left the relationship a hell of a lot sooner if I hadn’t taken those breaks away from her! No question about that.
I just haven’t forgiven myself until this very moment. I hadn’t allowed myself to step back and see things with kindness, instead of guilt.
I’ll never forget the night I started throwing up blood. For so many years... I’d have such a turning stomach... difficult to describe but it was a deep pain every time she’d fall down... slur negative words at me... guzzle wine like water. It was around midnight and I raced to the bathroom... dark blood trickling down my face. I was yelling for her... but she had blacked out. As I hovered over the toilet — I vividly remember thinking... holy sh*t, this relationship is killing me. I fell asleep, curled up on our bathroom floor until she stumbled in hours later. She wouldn’t call 911 for me... kept saying it’s nothing. Looking back, I can’t even believe all this happened. I was throwing up blood for 8 hours... finally a neighbor stopped by & demanded to call 911. I was in the hospital for nearly 10 days for a severe bleeding stomach ulcer.
Until the letter, I honestly buried any thought of “abuse” deep... very deep within my soul. I was embarrassed... still embarrassed & mad at myself that I stuck by her side for all those years. Trailmix, yes... because she was my first love... I truthfully convinced myself into thinking that all this was extremely difficult... but somehow normal. Ugh, sickening how wrong I was. But I didn’t know.
I do want to add, men experience abuse too. My story is one of many that live behind closed doors... in shame... in complete embarrassment. I blamed her addiction. But now I know... it was so much more.
Thank you again... everyone... I don’t think you realize just how much you’ve impacted my healing... and life.
My ex is very wrong... I now have a lot of friends who care! But... she was correct, I don’t deserve someone like her... because I deserve far BETTER!!!
I just haven’t forgiven myself until this very moment. I hadn’t allowed myself to step back and see things with kindness, instead of guilt.
I’ll never forget the night I started throwing up blood. For so many years... I’d have such a turning stomach... difficult to describe but it was a deep pain every time she’d fall down... slur negative words at me... guzzle wine like water. It was around midnight and I raced to the bathroom... dark blood trickling down my face. I was yelling for her... but she had blacked out. As I hovered over the toilet — I vividly remember thinking... holy sh*t, this relationship is killing me. I fell asleep, curled up on our bathroom floor until she stumbled in hours later. She wouldn’t call 911 for me... kept saying it’s nothing. Looking back, I can’t even believe all this happened. I was throwing up blood for 8 hours... finally a neighbor stopped by & demanded to call 911. I was in the hospital for nearly 10 days for a severe bleeding stomach ulcer.
Until the letter, I honestly buried any thought of “abuse” deep... very deep within my soul. I was embarrassed... still embarrassed & mad at myself that I stuck by her side for all those years. Trailmix, yes... because she was my first love... I truthfully convinced myself into thinking that all this was extremely difficult... but somehow normal. Ugh, sickening how wrong I was. But I didn’t know.
I do want to add, men experience abuse too. My story is one of many that live behind closed doors... in shame... in complete embarrassment. I blamed her addiction. But now I know... it was so much more.
Thank you again... everyone... I don’t think you realize just how much you’ve impacted my healing... and life.
My ex is very wrong... I now have a lot of friends who care! But... she was correct, I don’t deserve someone like her... because I deserve far BETTER!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by LifeChangeNYC
Trailmix: No one has ever described exactly how I felt like you somehow did. I was worn out... ripped apart... completely exhausted. Leaving was never about how much I loved her... or wanting the relationship to work... it was about me being emotionally & physically exhausted. I had absolutely nothing left, not even money or possessions... all I knew... I couldn’t breathe or tolerate a single minute longer of her rage... torment... manipulation... addictions. And yes, you’re right... I would have left the relationship a hell of a lot sooner if I hadn’t taken those breaks away from her! No question about that.
I just haven’t forgiven myself until this very moment. I hadn’t allowed myself to step back and see things with kindness, instead of guilt.
I’ll never forget the night I started throwing up blood. For so many years... I’d have such a turning stomach... difficult to describe but it was a deep pain every time she’d fall down... slur negative words at me... guzzle wine like water. It was around midnight and I raced to the bathroom... dark blood trickling down my face. I was yelling for her... but she had blacked out. As I hovered over the toilet — I vividly remember thinking... holy sh*t, this relationship is killing me. I fell asleep, curled up on our bathroom floor until she stumbled in hours later. She wouldn’t call 911 for me... kept saying it’s nothing. Looking back, I can’t even believe all this happened. I was throwing up blood for 8 hours... finally a neighbor stopped by & demanded to call 911. I was in the hospital for nearly 10 days for a severe bleeding stomach ulcer.
Until the letter, I honestly buried any thought of “abuse” deep... very deep within my soul. I was embarrassed... still embarrassed & mad at myself that I stuck by her side for all those years. Trailmix, yes... because she was my first love... I truthfully convinced myself into thinking that all this was extremely difficult... but somehow normal. Ugh, sickening how wrong I was. But I didn’t know.
I do want to add, men experience abuse too. My story is one of many that live behind closed doors... in shame... in complete embarrassment. I blamed her addiction. But now I know... it was so much more.
Thank you again... everyone... I don’t think you realize just how much you’ve impacted my healing... and life.
My ex is very wrong... I now have a lot of friends who care! But... she was correct, I don’t deserve someone like her... because I deserve far BETTER!!!
I just haven’t forgiven myself until this very moment. I hadn’t allowed myself to step back and see things with kindness, instead of guilt.
I’ll never forget the night I started throwing up blood. For so many years... I’d have such a turning stomach... difficult to describe but it was a deep pain every time she’d fall down... slur negative words at me... guzzle wine like water. It was around midnight and I raced to the bathroom... dark blood trickling down my face. I was yelling for her... but she had blacked out. As I hovered over the toilet — I vividly remember thinking... holy sh*t, this relationship is killing me. I fell asleep, curled up on our bathroom floor until she stumbled in hours later. She wouldn’t call 911 for me... kept saying it’s nothing. Looking back, I can’t even believe all this happened. I was throwing up blood for 8 hours... finally a neighbor stopped by & demanded to call 911. I was in the hospital for nearly 10 days for a severe bleeding stomach ulcer.
Until the letter, I honestly buried any thought of “abuse” deep... very deep within my soul. I was embarrassed... still embarrassed & mad at myself that I stuck by her side for all those years. Trailmix, yes... because she was my first love... I truthfully convinced myself into thinking that all this was extremely difficult... but somehow normal. Ugh, sickening how wrong I was. But I didn’t know.
I do want to add, men experience abuse too. My story is one of many that live behind closed doors... in shame... in complete embarrassment. I blamed her addiction. But now I know... it was so much more.
Thank you again... everyone... I don’t think you realize just how much you’ve impacted my healing... and life.
My ex is very wrong... I now have a lot of friends who care! But... she was correct, I don’t deserve someone like her... because I deserve far BETTER!!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
