Why won’t he go???
 

Dazed......you are the one who knows him. You would know his reasons better than any of us would. If he is entering treatment, today....perhaps he will settle down a bit.....maybe, just take a chill pill for right now and let the dust settle for a few days....and, give some calm consideration...and, then try some calmer negotiations to affect the separation...…
I think that this has unfolded in such a dramatic way...and, you are still trying to wrap your head around it...you are probably going to be somewhat ****off or angry and discontent with whatever direction he takes.....

well to be fair, you told him you were filing for divorce on July 4 or thereabouts. that's not a full three weeks yet. you have already agreed to a move out date, giving him six weeks to do outpatient. which he may or may not adhere to.

he'll likely negotiate, plead, deflect, ignore, stall, whatever to keep from actually having to MAKE any changes. it's worked for 20 years......

Who knows? He might be doing it just to make you angry (which it is) or he might be doing it just because it suits him?

He's comfy, he's at "home", he probably doesn't really want to move. He's used to living in conflict, that's his norm so this isn't really anything new. As you have mentioned, he can just sit there sometimes as if nothing is going on.

To YOU, the sky is falling, to him, it's kind of a normal day? What's the rush?

Anyway, that's his side of the street.

On your side, you need to take control of this situation and basically ignore what he is up to. However possible you need to separate your life from his. When you cook you cook for yourself, when you do laundry you do that for yourself, you clean up after yourself. Separate, distance, detach.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rty-lines.html

"Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me, and what doesn't. If it's not mine, I won't keep it. I will deal with myself, my issues, and my responsibilities. I will take my hands off what is not mine."

From Melodie Beattie's Language of Letting Go.

Well, that can be terrifying. As someone who has been divorced I can verify it's no picnic.

Doesn't mean you don't have to take care of business (him).

I was very scared the first time I divorced.

I wasn't working at the time so I had to go out and get a job and I took the first one offered and I didn't like it at all. It was out of the way I was underpaid and etc etc - well isn't that just too bad.

I had to move from my comfy house to an apartment.

I had to fly on my own after being married since I graduated basically - boo hoo lol

Yeah, divorce is no fun but millions manage to do it, he will too.

Act in your own best interest. He is an adult and needs to step up to acting like one.

as has been recommended a few times, the less time you spend as his audience of one, the better for everyone. go to another room, go mow the yard, take the dog for the 5th walk of the day. you too have to make changes now. time to quit breathing his air and hanging on to his every word or eye twitch.

Dazed....the fact that the sight of him "disgusts" you....that is on your side of the street and will require you to manage a way to deal with it....until the agreed on time of actual separation.....

Try to stay out of the house and away from his presence as much as humanly possible....If he really is in outpatient treatment...that should take him out of the house for lots of hours....You could invent some ways and reasons to be away from the house.....

If your emotions are too intense to tolerate that, until the separation date....then, maybe, it would be better for you to exit to a cheap long-term motel...and ask him to help pay the bill....
If you are seeing your therapist, on Friday, ask her to help you with this....
In a way, I suspect that your global anger is protective, for you---away from the underlying sadness and pain of the loss of the relationship....

Dazed...yes, good idea. You can call it a gift to yourself....a writer's sabbatical ….and work on finishing your book.....

Just as you kept looking for the right words to convince him to change, he’s still looking for the words that will convince you he doesn’t have to.

At some point, it’s all just wasted air.

Take good care of you.

Beautifully said and absolutely true.

Dazed, did you tell him he could stay there? It sounds like that is what he was understanding if he went and purchased food and things.

I hope you do whatever you need to do to continue taking good care of YOU.